DEVELOPMENT OF BASIC EMOTIONAL COMPETENCES IN OLI INTEGRATIVE PSYCHODYNAMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY

Theoretical foundations

Psychodynamic integrative psychotherapy is a developmental process through which the basic abilities of the Ego to process emotions – emotional competencies – are developed or unblocked. The main difference between OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and other psychotherapy schools is, in our view, the emphasis on working on basic emotional competencies, “software” for processing emotions. These emotional competences are extracted from the study of four psychoanalytic psychology (Drive psychology – classical psychoanalysis, Ego psychology, Object relations, Self psychology) . They are not defense mechanisms because they do not distort reality in order to protect the Ego from anxiety. Numerous authors of the mentioned psychoanalytical schools recognized and described developmental achievements in managing emotions, but did not define them as developmental achievements that go beyond defense mechanisms, as mature emotional competencies do. In the OLI method, eight emotional competencies are taken as the theoretical basis and the basis for the integration of techniques from other psychotherapy schools.

               There is a pronounced tendency in modern psychology, in various fields, especially in educational psychology, developmental psychology, and even clinical psychology, to determine, define and operationalize basic human competencies in the cognitive, affective and psychomotor domains, as well as to define ways of developing these competences. This paper is a contribution to the definition of basic emotional competencies from the perspective of psychodynamic developmental psychology, as well as the methods by which these competencies can be developed in the psychotherapy process. By defining the paths of normal development of basic emotional abilities to process emotions, it is possible to understand pathology as a developmental deviation, and psychotherapy as an educational corrective process. Connecting the psychotherapy process with education enables the transfer of knowledge from the fields of education and psychotherapy, and the mutual enrichment of these areas of research.

Defense mechanisms and emotional competences

            Term definition

            According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM III-R; American Psychiatric Association, 1987) ^[1], defense mechanisms are: ” patterns of feelings, thoughts or behavior that are relatively unintentional, automatic and arise as a reaction to the perception of psychological danger. They are constructed to hide or alleviate conflicts or stresses that can cause anxiety. Some of these mechanisms, such as projection, splitting and acting-out are almost always non-adaptive, and others such as conscious suppression and negation can be both adaptive and non-adaptive depending on their severity, inflexibility and the context in which they occur.

            Defense mechanisms are theoretical constructs and we can make conclusions about them indirectly only, by observing specific behaviors and contents of communication.

General characteristics

The general characteristics of defense mechanisms are:

• A certain degree of distortion of reality
• Rigidity of behavior
• Lack of control of such behaviors
• Anxiety that occurs if defensive behaviors are blocked
• Some discrepancy between verbal communication and facial expression or gestures.

From defense mechanisms to emotional competences

            Plutchik’s psychoevolutionary theory of ego defense gives statements about the relationship between defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms, which are similar to the relationship between defense mechanisms and basic emotional competencies that we are talking about in this paper. Namely, according to psychoevolutionary theory, defense mechanisms reflect the early stages of mental development, while coping styles are more mature and adaptive as a result of life experience. Defense mechanisms are unconscious, rigid and have limited adaptive value, while coping styles are conscious and flexible methods of problem solving. The difference between our view and this one is that we consider basic emotional competencies to be more primary mental processes that are the basis on which the behaviors that Plutchik calls coping styles are built. Coping styles are the products of adequate functioning of the basic abilities for processing and managing emotions. We will elaborate this thesis in more detail later in the paper.

According to Plutchik ^[2], each defense mechanism developmentally outgrows the corresponding coping style. Repressing replaces – avoidance ; negation – minimization ; displacement – substitution ;regression, acting out – asking for help ; compensation, identification, fantasy – replacement , promotion; intellectualization, sublimation, cancellation – planning; projection – accusing someone else; reactive formation – resorting to the opposite behavior. Coping styles are ways of solving problems that, unlike their “counterparts” among defense mechanisms, take place on a conscious level if the ego is relatively strong and mature. Of course, the question arises as to what makes the ego strong and mature enough to use coping mechanisms instead of defense mechanisms.

Psychoevolutionary theory says that the defense mechanisms are based on a specific personality structure, that each defense is connected to certain personality traits, social needs, characteristic methods and goals . A certain personality structure has “at its disposal” and chooses certain defense mechanisms. We can conclude that this also applies to coping styles. One can ask a question that leads even further: “what is it that makes the very structure of the ego that enables the use of more mature adaptive mechanisms”. We believe that these “ego strengths” are the basic emotional competencies that we have listed.

Clinical experience shows us that clients are often aware that in numerous problematic situations they could have acted differently, used some of the coping mechanisms, but that they “habitually” used their defense schemes. They know what would be “rational” and adaptive, but still choose established defensive and manipulative patterns of behavior, which they often justify with the statement “that’s my character”. A relevant motive whose understanding is important for us in therapeutic work is the tendency of the ego to maintain its organization in efforts to avoid negative effects , or, in other words, the tendency of a person to continue functioning in a familiar and almost automatic way that serves to avoid psychological pain.Reich (1949) ^[3]called it character defense. The concept of resistance in psychoanalysis shows how strong the forces are that resist change. So we are talking about fairly automated patterns of content processing and patterns of behavior.

Can something that is not automated replace something that is automated? We believe that it is possible, but for a short time and with a lot of conscious effort, for which people are generally not ready, and in situations of greater tension, they return to well-established mechanisms. Coping mechanisms, as conscious mechanisms, would have to become established, habitual patterns of behavior to be effective. It requires a character that, relatively automated, will have a tendency towards more mature patterns of behavior. At the basis of this automation are more basic, automated mental processes such as basic emotional competencies.

We often come across, for example, observations in the psychoanalytic literature (Klein, 1948 ^[4], Kernberg, 1975 ^[5]) that the defense mechanism of splitting ceases to be the dominant way of defense when the wholeness and constancy of the object is reached. Margaret Mahler (1963 ^[6]) also described the developmental stages of object constancy. However, it is not clearly defined what object constancy actually is. Is it part of the personality structure, a trait…? Object constancy, in certain crisis situations, can be shaken, leading to regression, a return to earlier developmental stages… It can be concluded that object constancy is an ability that performs its continuous automated “background” work in maintaining personality stability. That’s why we gave this ability the nickname “the stabilizer of the psyche”. Thanks to that automated background work, a stable person will, “out of habit”, choose more mature adaptive behaviors, coping mechanisms.

We believe that it is important to classify the concepts described by psychoanalysts as certain processes (mentalization, neutralization, ambivalence tolerance, object wholeness, object constancy…) in capabilities precisely because of the implications for psychotherapy practice. Abilities are something that is practiced, the practice goes through certain steps, then it becomes automatic and becomes highly functional. Who among us thinks about walking while walking or talking while talking? These are highly automated capabilities. No conscious effort is required. It is the same with basic emotional competencies. Of course, in order to master them in this highly automated way (which does not mean rigid and inflexible), it is necessary to go through various steps of practice. In therapeutic work, these basic skills for processing and managing emotions are practiced, which, through their automation, create a basis for replacing defense mechanisms with more adaptive mechanisms for dealing with reality.

When, in a therapeutic situation, the client begins to declare how, in his mind, when he is not in the session, he talks to the therapist, we can say that he has entered the process of “practicing” the constancy of the object. Thus, he restores what Stern (1998 ^[7]) called “moments of encounter” and practices “transmission of functions” (Fonagy, 2002 ^[8]). When such experiences are accumulated, he becomes able to talk to himself in the same way, to mentalize, and there is a gradual separation from the therapist.

Numerous therapeutic techniques created in different psychotherapy schools can be used in practicing these competencies in different stages of their development, which provides a basis for the integration of techniques around the concept of basic emotional competencies, regardless of their theoretical orientation.

.           Although they can be useful as a defense against anxiety of various kinds, each defense mechanism uses a certain distortion of reality, a kind of self-protective lie.

Freud (1964)^[9] believed that repression is always a pathological process. He says:

“Defense mechanisms help control danger… and the ego would probably not have been able to achieve this during development without their involvement. But it is also certain that they alone can become dangerous. Most often, their ego does not give them up after complex years of early development, which can lead to infantile behavior.” (p. 237).

            The majority of classical psychoanalysts believe that, when they have fulfilled their developmental function of protecting the still immature ego, the defense mechanisms should go into a “well-deserved retirement” or be activated, eventually, in some extremely crisis situations and protect the shaken ego until it is consolidated again. .

Hartman (1958 ^[10]), however, believed that what once performed a useful developmental function is not discarded, but transformed into more mature, adaptive forms. His way of thinking has a similar logic to that used by Freud when he talked about the fact that by adopting genital primacy, pregenital urges are not abolished, but are integrated into genitality, while losing their original infantile dominance. “Nothing is thrown away”, it is only transformed into developmentally more mature adaptive forms. Defensive behaviors that were originally formed through overcoming conflicts, when the conflicts are resolved, can be transformed into behaviors that become “autonomous” compared to the originals from which they arose, and used for other adaptive functions. Something similar to, for example, some skills and knowledge created in war situations, transformed into “noble martial sports” or training for survival in nature, “orienteering”… For example, defense through intellectualization, initially, can be connected to conflicts of a sexual or aggressive nature that probably involve superego prohibitions (eg, masturbation). Later, these ego processes may be expressed as an adaptive heightened intellectuality that has no defensive function. Regression can also be adaptive, it is related to creative processes (regression in the service of the ego) . These initially defensive behaviors are transformed into adaptive ones and acquire ” secondary autonomy” .

Secondary gain – benefits from own suffering

One of the important reasons why people do not switch to more mature patterns, emotional competences in which there is no distortion of reality or manipulation of oneself and others, is the so-called “secondary gain”. It always exists in every immature behavior, symptom, manipulative pattern. To make it easier for students to remember and always keep it in mind when working with clients, I introduced a “law” of psychodynamics that says: ” a person never does anything if there is no benefit from it.” It is impossible for behavior to exist without a motive, of course. This is a basic psychological fact. Every behavior serves to satisfy some need and it is driven by some motive.

            Gain is a psychoanalytic concept that was first discovered and defined by Freud (1917. ^[11]18 He described two types of psychological gain from illness: primary and secondary. According to Freud, the primary gain was the reduction of anxiety caused by a defensive operation that resulted in the creation of disease symptoms. An example of a primary gain could be a patient who shoots his wife using his right hand. He is guilty and has an internal conflict about this action. Then the right hand becomes paralyzed through a mechanism called conversion (turning the psychological conflict into a physical symptom). This is how he is punished. This results in reduced guilt and reducing intrapsychic conflict and anxiety – which is a primary gain. Freud further defined secondary gain as the interpersonal or social benefit achieved by the patient as a consequence of the illness (e.g. support, attention, pity, protection, tolerance of dependence…).

            A large number of secondary benefits are described in the literature:

1. Satisfying existing addiction aspirations (Ross 1982 ^[12])
2. Satisfying vengeful desires (eg, being paid for not working in an environment where the employee feels undervalued or engaged in risky work, revenge on parents for bad parenting…”look what you’ve done”…).
3. Getting attention, trying to cause concern (Bokan 1981 ^[13]),
4. Overprotection by significant others.
5. Family antagonism (anger) due to some disability or incapacity can increase the dissatisfaction and determination of the patient to prove his right because he is damaged by society, he gets some “mission” to fight.
6. Benefits at work, less strenuous working conditions. Avoiding work.
7. Sympathy and care of family and friends
8. The ability to withdraw from an unpleasant or unsatisfactory life role or activity
9. The role of the “sick” allows the patient to communicate and relate to others in a new, socially sanctioned way.
10. Financial benefits related to disability (eg disability pension…)
11. Medicines to reduce tension, “sedation”.
12. Keeping spouses in marriage
13. Maintaining status in the family
14. Maintaining family love
15. Dominance in the family
16. Liberation from the socioemotional role

Both primary and secondary gains are considered to be acquired through unconscious mechanisms.

We could say that the basis of secondary gain is the ambivalence between the need for dependence, parasitism, remaining in the role of a child and living at someone else’s expense, and the need for maturation and independence-living at one’s own expense. Not only financially, but also emotionally. Secondary profit is unhealthy because it is not directed at the development. There is always a part of us that would like to live in an easier way, to be “tucked in”, to “steal” something “little more than we deserve”… and a part of us that strives for development, independence and reciprocity in relationships. That second part is the basis for establishing a “working alliance” in psychotherapy work. When we manage to connect the symptoms, the suffering for which the person turns to the psychotherapist (the damage they have from the secondary gains), with their secondary gains, immature and manipulative patterns of behavior, that person comes into a position to choose (because they are now aware of the patterns). To choose whether to let go of secondary gains or to accept and reconcile themselves to the suffering caused by their abuse. You cannot choose both. However, you cannot take something from a person without giving them something in return. In order to give up on immature patterns of behavior, one must develop more mature forms of behavior and mature benefits from them, and for that one needs to develop emotional competencies, which we will talk about in the following modules.

            In order to understand well the patterns of behavior that lead to secondary gain, it is not enough to understand only what the client gains in an non-developmental way, but also how exactly he does it. This is where we meet the concept of “counter-skills”:

 

Counter-skills – “gets the job done” behavior patterns

Counter-skills are more complex behaviors than defense mechanisms, and may include multiple defense mechanisms, as well as related patterns of behavior. We use the term counter-skill because of the emphasis on abilities and “counter-abilities”. (Jovanović, N. 2013 ^[14]). We distinguish them from defense mechanisms because counterskills are, in fact, the abuse of defense mechanisms, used for “secondary gain” and when they are not necessary. Counter-skills are dead ends on the path of development. Just as we need to know which way the development of abilities goes and where it should lead us, it is important that we know where it can go astray, and how it can return to the development path from dead ends. Recognizing and understanding counter-skills (we also call them “gets the job done” skills, because they bring a certain emotional benefit, but also great harm – due to stopping the development of the client), their recalculation (recalculation of profit and loss through the process of “emotional accounting” – a technique developed in Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy), renouncing them and replacing them with basic emotional competencies, are necessary steps in the process that leads to change.

Every behavior is a reflection of a certain skill and strategy. No skill or strategy is inherently bad. They are valued compared to the goal . Is coming off as stupid a skill? Of course. The only question is who needs such a skill and what purpose it would serve. Ask Mr. Bean. He makes good money from the perfected skill of coming off as sloppy, clumsy, stupid… Can it be acted so well if one doesn’t know the essence of those skills, the process that leads to their perfection. Is it a skill to be depressed? Of course, as well as being enthusiastic and in a good mood. If someone was buying, depressive clients who would have the motivation to engage in conscious research of their skill could hold seminars and workshops… If you wonder why someone would learn a skill that does not serve anything positive, then you do not understand an essential determinant of human nature (living nature in general). People never develop useless skills. People never do anything from which they do not get some benefit, because there would be no motive to drive that behavior. Where there is behavior, there is motive . Where there is a motive, there is also a need that the behavior satisfies and the belief that the need can be satisfied in this way and that, in some way, it pays off.

A brief presentation of the theoretical basis of basic emotional competencies

Neutralization – psyche regulator

Neutralization is a term introduced into the psychoanalytic literature by Hartman (1939 ^[15], 1950 ^[16]). By neutralization, he considered the change of pure, instinctive energy into forms of energy that are more appropriate for the functioning of the ego (neutralized energy), characterized by a high level of ego control and the capacity of ego to postpone immediate instinctive gratification.

Neutralization is a person’s ability to be prudent, to still themsleves and turn the energy of instinct into the energy of reason, energy that is directed towards problem solving and adaptation, towards satisfying needs in a reasonable way. It is the ability for self-regulation, the regulator of the psyche. When the energy of the psyche is balanced, a person is able to mentalize, to think, to understand their own conditions and the conditions of another person, and only then to act. In everyday speech, people describe the process of neutralization and mentalization with sentences such as the following: “First, calm down, sort yourself out… then think about why this is happening to you, why you feel that way, why he or she feels like that… and then you will know what you should do…, hold your horses, don’t react too fast… you don’t think clearly… think it through in your head, reconsider, than everything will look different to you…” These sentences describe the active processes of neutralization and mentalization. However, these abilities also have their own permanent effects. Some people are generally prudent, while others are impulsive and reckless in their reactions. Some people think first, then act, while others act first, then think. However, in order to have a deeper understanding of these abilities and their development, we will first deal with the history of the concepts of neutralization and mentalization and theoretical concepts.

Hartmann divided ego functions into primary, autonomous ego functions, such as cognitive functions of perception, intelligence, thinking, understanding, language abilities, learning abilities, and synthetic ego functions, which are innate characteristics of the ego and free from conflicts (they do not develop from conflicts , nor are they developmentally related to conflicts, but they can be caught in a conflict, which leads to their inhibition) and to secondary, autonomous ego functions. Secondary autonomous ego functions are those that were involved in developmental conflicts (oral, anal, phallic, oedipal), and then were released as a result of the resolution of those conflicts through the process of neutralization (Hartman, 1950). For example, a child’s ability to think clearly may be jeopardized by conflicts about sexuality or aggression. The secondary autonomy of that function results in clear, unequivocal thinking followed by the resolution of those conflicts (Hartman, 1939).

When the energy involved in the conflict is transformed into neutralized energy, there is a change in function. Function becomes autonomous and automated (e.g. general ability to solve problems, plan and organize action…). Insufficient secondary autonomy makes a person unable to deal with their own urges and susceptible to regression (returning to more immature levels of functioning).

A person who has managed to resolve internal conflicts, to soften the intensity of their emotions involved in conflicts, to distance themselves from heat and to find an adequate solution, acquires certain knowledge and skills (procedural knowledge) from these successes. They have developed generalized mechanisms for solving problems, are now experienced and, when the next problems appear, that person already knows how to stay prudent, calm down and turn their energy into working energy, energy that will allow them to look at the problem wisely and use their own capacities to solve it.

Freud (1923 ^[17]) noted that through sublimation the ego subjugates instinctual energy and channels it into socially acceptable activities . For example, a voyeur becomes a photographer, an exhibitionist – a dancer, a person with the need to worship – a fashion designer, with the need to get dirty – a sculptor, to change identifications – an actor… However, the ability to do any of these activities well depends on how much that activity has become autonomous, separated from the original sphere of conflict. A sculptor for whom the activity of making a sculpture is strongly influenced by anal needs, the need to get dirty and smeared, will hardly create any valuable work. Its sublimation is ineffective, it is re-sexualized. This will also happen with an actor whose exhibition needs dominate his performance.

Hartmann’s concept of neutralization is different. Neutralization, in fact, deprives the drives of their sexual and aggressive qualities. These energies then become conflict-free or autonomous and available to the ego for use; they become secondary autonomous functions. Such ego functions become independent of the id, and the ego can use available energy in the service of adaptation and learning . In the case of secondary autonomic functions, energy is neutralized, conflict is eliminated, and ego functions can contribute to adaptation.

A person whose cognitive functions are powered by unneutralized energy has a distorted picture of reality. If cognitive functions (perception, thinking, memory) are powered by aggression, a person will look for and see signs of danger and aggressiveness and will look for negative components of reality that will justify their aggressiveness. Their perception will be focused on the negative, threatening aspects of reality, on the negative qualities of other people… They will focus on the dangerous or bad intentions they attribute to others. In this way, all received data will be interpreted, processed and remembered. If the cognitive functions are powered by unneutralized sexual energy, the person will also distort reality, see sexuality in everything, eroticize those cognitive functions that are not sexual, see only those aspects of the person that fit their sexual needs. Of course, sexual energy can be directed to oral, anal, phallic, and a person can eroticize cognitive functions with oral, anal, or phallic sexuality and aggression. The consequence of this is that the person does not perceive, does not think and does not remember clearly, without distortion. This does not mean that they are a rational, realistic person, without energy, that they have suppressed all instincts or extinguished them and are asexual or he does not have the necessary aggressiveness. They are not a thinker without emotions, a robot, a computer… Their ego has a lot of energy, but this energy is neutral and serves the ego for the functions of adaptation to reality.

There are important differences between sublimation and neutralization. First, neutralization is a continuous process that supplies the secondary autonomic functions with the necessary energy, while sublimation is a defense mechanism used only when the original libidinal satisfaction is not available. Second, neutralization changes the quality of Id energy, while sublimation only shifts the object of its discharge.

When, through conflict resolution a person develops problem-solving skills, they enjoy using those skills. They enjoy practicing the Ego functions alone. The energy that powers these functions is no longer sexual or aggressive, it is free-of-instincts energy, Ego energy. Enjoyment is not the sublimation of sexual or aggressive satisfaction, but satisfaction in the adequate functioning and adaptive abilities of the ego.

Synthetic ego function is a term Hartmann borrowed from Nunberg (1930 ^[18]). It is one of the autonomous ego functions that Hartmann considered to be of organizational significance as the centralization of functional control or integration of the personality. It involves the ability to synthesize (or integrate and organize) experiences and thus adapt to reality . Hartmann believed that both the adaptive and defensive functions of the ego are organized as part of the synthetic function of the ego. The ego mobilizes defenses to protect itself from four types of danger: conflicts between the Id, Ego, and Superego, conflicts in interpersonal relationships, conflicts in relation to social norms, and distractions that arise in response to trauma. The organizational or synthetic function of the ego is mainly responsible for maintaining the intrapsychic balance and the balance between the individual and the environment. This synthetic function of the ego is difficult to establish without neutralization. Neutralization plays a decisive role in the mastery of reality demands, as well as in the formation of object relations and the establishment of the principles of reality. As a function of self-protection, neutralization is a powerful tool of the ego. The integrative functions of the ego used in self-protection use neutralized energy. A person who is not able to neutralize aggressive energy can make a lot of mistakes when protecting themselves (not being able to see all aspects of reality and what will really lead to self-protection…), reacting impulsively, without sober thinking. Only after the regulation of affects is a suitable internal environment for reason created – an environment suitable for the process of mentalization, thinking before acting.

Degrees of neutralization

There are gradations of neutralization, just as there are different degrees of instinct influenceon an ego functions. Neutralization is not digital , it is not something that is present or absent, but is a continuum on which instinctual energy is transformed into neutral energy.

The energy of both instincts (libido and aggression) can be neutralized in the service of the ego and superego. In the service of the Ego, the energy derived from the resolution of conflicts related to sexuality or aggression becomes the energy of our problem-solving functions (the energy that fuels our problem-solving functions in close relationships, or problem-solving functions where there is aggression, competition, conflict of interest…) . In the service of the superego, the neutralized energy provides the fuel to sustain our conscience, the will to moral reasoning and action. Aggressive energy equally participates in the development of psychic structures as libidinous. Unneutralized aggression often turns against self-protection. Neutralized aggression can be used within the ego, which is contrary to Freud’s idea that self-destruction is the only alternative to aggression directed towards external reality and objects. With an aggressive drive, therefore, there does not have to be such an “either-or” situation – either aggressiveness towards someone (or something) or towards oneself. It is also possible to neutralize aggressive energy as a development solution. From aggression, through the process of neutralization, one can develop inner strength, a source of energy for toughness (not for destructiveness towards oneself or others), for coping with life’s troubles. Neutralized aggression can make the ego tough or resilient (as it is called in psychology today), resistant to frustration.

A lack or impairment of the Ego’s capacity for neutralization is a basic feature of schizophrenia. Schizoid individuals display an excessive amount of free aggression which, by itself, is a predisposition to conflict and breakdown of what Hartman calls the basic level of external reality testing. There is interference with the process of moving or transferring neutralized energy to those activities where it is needed – to the anomaly of primary autonomy , which can be part of the hereditary core of schizophrenia. Thus, neutralization is a mechanism that develops at the earliest age (far before sublimation), before the ego takes its ultimate form and before the establishment of constant object relations. It can be concluded that the formation of ego and object relations are processes that require a certain degree of neutralized psychic energy. The child’s ego, which is overwhelmed by raw instincts, without the ability to calm them, cannot combine extremely positive (strong desires for the object) and extremely negative (strong frustrations, hatred) emotions and develop the wholeness of the object, and thus the object’s constancy.

As this process takes place so early, the greater part of the energy of sublimation must come from the neutralized pregenital libido. The early development of the neutralizing ability affects the child’s later ability to turn his instincts towards acceptable objects and ways of satisfaction, the ability to sublimate, to discharge instincts through socially acceptable means. We can conclude, from the early development of the sublimation process, that the process of sublimation is not initiated by the superego, although it plays a significant developmental role in it. Certain forms of the superego can interfere with the process of neutralization ( persecutive super ego, guilty conscience, persecutory conscience ), while that part of the superego that we call the “ego ideal” has the greatest influence on the selection of goals and functions that will be freed from their instinctual character. Through sublimation, there will be a shift in goals from instinctive goals to those that are more socially and culturally acceptable (or to those that are ego syntonic, more acceptable to the person’s ego). The quality of energy, in sublimation, remains the same, only the goal changes. When the ego functions are sexualized, although there is sublimation, they are nevertheless more susceptible to regression under pressure. Although sublimation is the most mature defense mechanism (because it does not use energy for counter-investment, does not go against the instinct, but with it, in the same direction, only changes the goal to an acceptable one), it is a more unstable means of achieving secondary autonomy of the ego than neutralization.

There is a continuum of gradation of energy from completely instinct-driven to completely neutralized. Once the ego accumulates a reservoir of neutralized energy, it develops goals and functions that draw from that reservoir and do not have to depend on ad-hoc neutralizations.

A person, for example, does not have to get angry in order to get the energy to move and solve a problem when they calm down. They don’t have to fall in love to have the inspiration to work, to do something important for themselves… The source of energy needed for a person’s adaptive functions is stable. Their thinking clarity and ability to solve problems do not oscillate to a greater extent. Ego strength is stable. Such an ego is capable of building a stable relationship with another person (object constancy), a stable image of oneself ( self constancy ) and image of reality ( reality constancy ). The ego achieves secondary autonomy. Different degrees of neutralization are not equally appropriate for all ego functions. Some functions (as well as professions) require a greater, some a lesser degree of neutralization. Different professions require different degrees of neutralization ability. The profession of a psychotherapist, for example, places strong demands on this ability. The ability to neutralize aggressive and libidinal energy can also be different within the same person.

Hartmann (1950) believed that not all the energy needed by the ego comes from the libido and the aggressive instincts. There are three sources of energy that the ego can use for its work: 1) neutralized libido, 2) neutralized aggression, and 3) non-instinctual neutral energy that is innately available to the ego (even Freud suggested that there is an innate basis, not only for instinctual energy, but also for certain ego functions (this is also the basis of Hartmann’s concept of primary ego autonomy).

How does neutralization develop?

The connection of theoretical definitions with clinical experience was given by Ernst Kris (1951 ^[19]) in his papers. He recommended that the terms sublimation and neutralization should be kept separate (as many considered sublimation and neutralization to be different names for the same mechanism or ability) and that the term neutralization should be used for energy transformation and sublimation for goal displacement. Moving the goal is possible even without energy neutralization. Such activities may continue even after secondary instinct re-influencing (when the activity is again filled with instinct-driven energy). There is a circular interaction between goal displacement and energy transformation. In the complex development of a child, the interdependence between goal displacement and energy transformation can be influenced by many factors. In each specific manifestation of sublimation, different degrees of instinct discharge are possible, but certain degrees of neutralization are also required. In some games, for example, the child will release his urges in a sublimated way, releasing sexuality or aggression through play that is socially acceptable. Yet some games will not be a sublimated discharge of instincts only, but the child will enjoy new functions of the Ego, new abilities for adaptation, problem solving, coping… Such activities will use neutralized energy.

Chris distinguished between reservoirs of neutralized energy available to the ego and so-called bursts of energy. The reservoir of neutralized energy is the basis of the ego’s secondary autonomy. Bursts of energy represent the degree and capacity for unstable redistribution of instinct energy. This can be seen in any type of activity and is very important for creative individuals – whether they have constant work energy or have to wait for bursts of inspiration .

The question remains, however, how the ability to neutralize and sublimate is developed (primarily with the aim of knowing how to encourage the development of this ability in the psychotherapy process).

Chris studied how sublimation and neutralization occur in the anally erotic activities of children in the nursery. That is, how anally erotic needs to spread feces, soiling, are neutralized and sublimated in activities such as painting and drawing. When the children were stimulated to such activities (drawing, coloring), Chris noticed how the processes of neutralization and deneutralization alternated. It is a common problem in the development of children between the ages of two and three. They are under constant temptation related to the breakthrough of immediate gratification of needs, depending on the stress they experience and the direct stimulation they are exposed to (children of this age constantly lose and establish control). With maturation, they master such temptations, and we can see how the very structure of the activity encourages neutralization on the one hand, and how the increased capacity for neutralization leads children to prefer certain activities. Thus, for example, a child with artistic talents demonstrates a high degree of capacity to neutralize some of the anal stage urges and, experiencing satisfaction from this mastery and skill, it tends even more to intensify the process of neutralization.

Another group of Chris’s observations related to how identification (with mother, teacher…) can affect the process of neutralization. A detailed longitudinal study of two children shows us how the children’s preferences for certain activities, their ability to endure some difficulties in these activities, to solve problems, to elaborate fantasies and, at the same time, to release instinctual tensions, are determined by the character of the relationship with the mother and identification with her. Changes in the object relationship with the mother contain within themselves a model for defensive sublimatory mastery of instincts, as well as the beginning of preferred types of solutions, and even preferred types of failure. Thus, in stressful situations, when the relationship with the mother is good, the child increases the tendency for certain types of neutralizations, while, in situations of disappointment or anger towards the mother, precisely those sublimations that are specifically associated with the mother are first lost (when painting, for example, they start scribbling aggressively, smearing paint, getting dirty, etc.). The choice of sublimation is most successful when the activity, at the same time, represents a connection with the object of love. When the relationship with the mother is bad, then the preferred area for regression is precisely that which is closely related to the relationship with her. The child develops those forms of sublimated activities that the mother likes the most, that she prefers and identifies with her ways of sublimating instincts… But, when the relationship with the mother deteriorates, the child, as if out of spite, regresses first in those activities that are closely related to the mother’s preferences.

A third group of Chris’s observations illustrates the possible general influence of the earliest object relations on the capacity for neutralization. The emotional deficit in early child care, notes Chris, particularly negatively affects the capacity to neutralize both libidinous and aggressive energy. Children in institutions, deprived at an early stage by the lack of an empathic and permanent object of love, have a problem especially in those areas that require a high level of organization of instinct discharge. For example, when solving problems and considering actions. Chris concluded that the processes of biological maturation are most closely related to non-instinctual energies (development of perception, thinking, speech…), while the organization of action and problem solving are much more dependent on the neutralization of instinctual energies. A person can develop primary cognitive processes (primarily autonomous – memory, thinking…), but will have significant difficulties with secondary autonomous processes (impulse control, action organization, problem solving).

If that neutralization does not occur, as it should, the lack of that neutralized instinctual energy that is not available to the ego leads to problems in developing the functions for which it is needed.

Findings illustrating the transformation of neutralizing ego activities into their instinctive predecessors have been provided by many other child analysts, as well as the possible connection of such transformation with problems of character development and maturation. Augusta Alpert (1949 ^[20]), like Chris, conducted long-term research with children in daycare centers following the painting-drawing activity. She illustrated the changes in ego activities in children with disorders that occurred when there was a conflict between ego interests and instinctual impulses in them. When drawing or coloring, children usually start with a single line. They then examine line, form and color, then move on to design and representation. They progress spontaneously from primary discharge (scribble) to more ego-directed expression. Disturbed children, however, do not have such a spontaneous progression. If left on their own, they continue to scribble and smudge, or crumple, or stain everything… until the end of the third year. They may start with a good intention, that is, with a certain shape, but as soon as the painting continues, the neutralized ego weakens and the children start scribbling and smearing. This fluidity and reversibility (quick return to regressive forms of behavior), lack of resistance to regression and sexualization, is noticeable in such children. Non-neutralized aggression, especially in the form of impulsivity, interferes with all goal-directed activities beyond the expected age. The capacity to identify is closely related to the capacity to neutralize. Compared to normal children, disturbed children show greater distortions quantitatively and qualitatively in identification with parents, teachers and other children. However, when the ratio of educators to children increases (more educators) and when better conditions for identification with the educator are enabled, the ability of such children to draw improves significantly.

The physiological process behind the neutralization process is unknown to us. How does energy change its properties and become neutral? We do not know the mechanism (although we have some ideas about it which we will present later), but a process of neutralization can also be seen in the observations obtained from modern dynamic neurology. People who have certain brain injuries, regardless of the source of the trauma, show an inability to neutralize aggressive energy. Their impulse control is impaired, especially in frontal lobe injuries.

In the discussion about neutralization, we can consider two sides of it – 1) neutralization of instinctual energy, turning instinctual energy into energy available to the ego for performing mental processes, and 2) creation of certain mental abilities – secondary autonomous functions that arose through conflict resolution (e.g. general ability of solving problems, planning and organizing actions…). This other side of neutralization is closely related to the concept of mentalization elaborated by Peter Fonagy (2001 ^[21], 2002 ^[22], 2003 ^[23]).

Mentalization – the articulator of the psyche

Patients show a great hunger to understand how the mind works, they learn about it not so much from the analyst’s specific comments, but by watching the analyst develop a coherent model of their mind – through the experience of the mind that keeps their mind in the mind.

Fonagy and Target, 2005^[24]

The concept of mentalization belongs to the tradition of French psychoanalysis, where it is understood as a process in which drives and affects are transformed into symbols (Bouchard & Lecours 2008 ^[25]). Also important is the connection of this term with the theory of thinking of the British psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion (1962a ^[26]). The main contribution to modern understandings of mentalization, however, was made by Peter Fonagy et al. (2002).

Mentalization is a mental process by which a person implicitly or explicitly interprets his or others’ actions as meaningful based on intentional mental states such as desires, needs, feelings, beliefs, and reasons (Bateman and Fonagy, 2004^[27]).

Fonagy was a major proponent of an approach that balances psychoanalytic theory with Bowlby’s theory of affective attachment. He began his project of bridging the differences between affective attachment theory and psychoanalytic theory by outlining points of similarity and differences between them. First, in a large research paper (1999 ^[28]), and later in a monograph entitled Theory of affective attachment and psychoanalysis (2001), he systematically discussed all the most important psychoanalytic theories and the theory of affective attachment, stating the differences between them as well as the points of agreement. We will not list the similarities and differences here, but highlight one of Fonagy’s points of view, which sheds new light on the nature of affective attachment and the process of mentalization, and completes the understanding of the process of neutralization.

In linking psychoanalysis and the theory of affective attachment, Fonagy started from Bowlby ‘s concept of Internal Working Models (IWM) and the psychoanalytic concept of mental representation. He drew a distinction between internal working models and mental representations as defined by psychoanalysis, pointing to the processes that underlie them. Internal working models are created implicitly and stored in procedural memory, while mental representations take place explicitly and are stored in episodic memory (Fonagy, 2001).

We mention this because making a difference between procedural learning – learning skills, procedures, and conceptual or declarative learning – understanding concepts, creating concepts, what can be verbally expressed, is also important for understanding the psychotherapy process. Through psychoanalytic psychotherapy, for example, the client goes through both types of learning. Through the insights he gains, through a better understanding of himself, his relationships, becoming aware of the unconscious, he changes his mental representations of himself, important objects, changes his views, beliefs… and he can express all this in words. However, that is not all. Through the relationship with the therapist, through identification with his functions, way of thinking, way of self-regulation, through the so-called moments of encounter (we will clarify the term in this chapter later), he, mostly unconsciously, also learns certain procedures, skills, working models of the therapist, learns, through experience, a different way of being together with someone. Those two equally important types of learning take place through different mechanisms and are stored in different memories of our nervous system.

According to Fonagy, a shift in connecting the concept of internal working models of affective attachment theory and the concept of mental representations of psychoanalysis would have to include a shift from a behavioral perspective to an understanding of the role that internal representations play in social relationships. The discussion revolved around the conceptualization of maternal sensitivity and how the child internalizes the mother’s responses. The theory of affective attachment assumed that the mother’s sensitive responsiveness appears in her behavior and personality, while psychoanalysis assumed that the responsiveness of a good enough mother implies much more, including her personal psychological organization and the way in which the child internalizes these experiences. For Fonagy, the transmission of attachment patterns is related to the child’s internalization of the caregiver’s psychodynamics . He reinterpreted Bowlby’s presentation of the role of maternal sensitivity as a causal factor in determining the quality of object relations and psychological development. The child develops the capacity for self-reflection through the internalization of the caregiver’s mirror response, and self-reflection is equivalent to the capacity for mentalization. First, the mother recognizes the child’s emotions and states, then she mentalizes for the child, tells him what he feels and why… then the child begins to think about itself in the same way, bringing that mother’s function into itself. A secure attachment, therefore, is the product of successfully acquiring the capacity for mentalizing, while an insecure attachment occurs when the child identifies with the caregiver’s defensive behavior. In the second case, the child acquires internal experiences that do not accurately reflect reality and the interaction with the caregiver, and therefore distortions occur in the personality. Maternal sensitivity and the ability to mentalize become necessary conditions for the development of a secure attachment. Contrary to the concept of internal working models, the child creates internal representations through the reflection of the internal states by mirroring the mother. This observation by Fonagy is very important, because it points to a key factor that leads to secure attachment – and that is the child’s learning to mentalize, through the mentalization performed by the mother.

The mother can be present, take care of the child, be warm… but, she will not create a secure affective connection if she is not able to teach the child to mentalize, to mentally process its emotional states.

Fonagy proposed the use of the concept of mentalization as central to the integration of affective attachment theory and psychoanalysis. The concept of mentalization is closely related to the theory of mind construct .

The term theory of mind indicates the ability of a child, who develops in a normal way, to attribute mental states such as desires, beliefs, intentions to himself and others, as a way to process and predict the behavior of others (Tager-Flusberg & Baron-Cohen, 1993) ^[29]. . That ability involves understanding that other people’s behavior contains an intention or purpose, that they are motivated by a desire to express their mental state or to communicate with others. Theory of mind describes how it is possible to attribute false beliefs to others, while mentalizing or reflective function refers to understanding one’s own behavior, as well as the behavior of others, in terms of mental states. Mentalization or the reflective function is a developmental novelty that enables the child not only to respond to the behavior of others, but also to his own idea of another’s attitude, intentions, or plans. Mentalization allows the child to read other people’s thoughts. By attributing certain mental states to others, the child processes the reactions of others so that their behaviors become meaningful and predictive. As the child begins to understand the behavior of others, it can, based on multiple settings of self-object representations organized on the basis of previous experience, activate those that are most suitable to respond in an adaptive way to a certain relationship with another (Fonagy & Target, 1998) ^[30].

Mentalization includes all these abilities, but it also includes affective states and the child’s ability to perceive its own intentions. This function of reflection enables the child to understand that others also have beliefs, feelings, attitudes, desires, hopes, knowledge, ideas, visions, plans, etc. The process involved in the development of mentalization led Fonagy to realize the importance of the role of reflective awareness of others’ mental states for the development of mental representations of others. Fonagy expressed his belief that the ability of parents to express their intention towards the child, i.e. the ability to practice the mentalizing function, is central to the transmission of affective attachment patterns between parents and children. Adoption of internal working models by the child is directly related to the development of the reflexive function, i.e. mentalization. Affects are crucial in this process because the child associates meanings with its inner experiences, through the relationship with the caregiver, in the context of a secure relationship. My caregiver thinks of me as a thinker and therefore I exist as a thinker (Fonagy, 2000); he also says: Therefore the theory of mind is the first of all theories of the self.

Central to Fonagy’s theory of development is that attachment behaviors in a child such as crying, laughing, vocalizing, influence the caregiver not only to get closer to the child as Bowlby claimed, but also to reflect the child’s affective state through the ability to mentalize. The child perceives the mother’s adequate reflection of her own inner state as an indication of her empathy. The child’s anxiety is contained and he gradually realizes that he has thoughts and feelings that are his own and different from those of the caregiver. This gives the child the opportunity to create a representation of its anxiety, which Fonagy calls a symbolic representation or second-class representation – I’m tense because… I’m tense when this and that happens… The child develops the capacity to represent the inner state, ie. the ability to reflect on one’s own inner state. Fonagy uses the object relations model to describe this process. The child internalizes the state of its caregiver, which it then incorporates into its own self and representation of the object. He says: Self exists only in the context of another; the development of the self has the same importance as the aggregation of experiences of the self in object relations (Fonagy, Gergelz, Jurist & Target, 2002). Self is not present from the beginning, but is built from early connections with others. At the core of the child’s mature self is someone else in the moment of reflection (Fonagy, 2000).

Stages of mentalization development:

Fonagy and collaborators established that the development of this capacity goes through four developmental stages (Fonagy 2006 ^[31]):

1. In the second half of the first year, the first distinction between animate and inanimate objects, the basic distinction between goals and means, and the appearance of so-called social reference appear- babies observe reactions on their parents’ faces to judge how they should react themselves.

2. In the second year, children begin to understand that actions are caused by previous states of mind (needs, desires, emotions) and the first distinction between intentional and unintentional actions appears.

3. In the third or fourth year, children manage to distinguish beliefs from real events, to hide their emotions, they understand that other people do it too and the roots of empathy, the ability to imagine other people’s emotional states appear. Children at this age are capable of keeping a secret, which shows that they clearly see the difference between internal states and social interaction. The biggest qualitative jump occurs around the age of four, when the largest number of children successfully solve tasks that examine the existence of theory of mind (Doherty, 2009 ^[32]).

4. Around the age of six, children can notice a new progress in the development of mentalization – the autobiographical self appears. They are able to give coherent descriptions of intentions and plans that they place in a logical causal-time frame (Dimitrijević, 2011 ^[33]).

The researchers do not mention further developmental stages of mentalization, although one might expect that development, as with other emotional competencies, continues at least until adolescence, or until the end of life.

Mentalization also supports the development of the capacity for self-regulation, which is based on acquiring the technique of aversive arousal states regulation. Secure attachment, in fact, results from the capacity for self-regulation, which depends on the mentalizing capacity of the mother herself. Early connections equip the individual with a control mechanism for processing information. This regulatory system is the most important evolutionary function of bonding. As his opinion developed, Fonagy elaborated his theory, taking into account the development of the self. He expanded the concept of mentalization to include the fact that the child is not simply a recipient of empathic responses from others, but interprets and adds meaning to the events to which it is exposed, which requires an explanation through neurobiological mechanisms. That’s why Fonagy proposed the Interpersonal Interpretive Mechanism (IIM) model.

The interpersonal interpretive mechanism is a brain function that requires specific activation by environmental stimuli and represents a comprehensive brain structure, a neural mechanism with a key evolutionary function. This brain function is not innate in the sense that it can develop by itself, but requires specific stimulation that activates it . The environmental stimuli is the mother’s appropriate responsiveness to the child. Such responsiveness enhances the capacity for mentalization and reflective function, which in turn initiates a process leading to the development of capacity for self-regulation. Then the child develops a secure attachment with the caregiver, which is based on a model of representation that includes interpersonal interpretive mechanisms. In contrast, when the process is not developed, the child’s insecure attachment occurs (Fonagy 2003). The way a child perceives the environment acts as a filter in the expression of genotype and phenotype. Genotype is the set of inherited characteristics with which a child is born, while phenotype is the product of the interaction between the genotype and the environment in which the child grows up. Specific genes that are expressed during development form a specific phenotype that comes to the fore. The manifestation of the genotype is not related to the child’s objectively existing environment, but to the interpersonal interpretive mechanism that refers to how the child interprets the events to which it is exposed . This function is genetically defined and localized in the medial prefrontal part of the cortex. Damage to that region is consistently associated with social behavior disorders and personality disorders that can be described as a loss of interpersonal interpretive capacity , i.e. weakened social reasoning, pragmatics, self-regulation and impoverished personal experience of social situations.

The difference between this formulation and the formulation of the traditional theory of affective attachment is that what is lost through separation is not attachment, but the opportunity to create a mechanism of higher class regulation – a mechanism for evaluating and reorganizing mental contents (Fonagy & Target, 2002). The transition of mentalizing functions is a key factor in creating a secure affective attachment. Teaching the child to think about itself and others, and thus acquire mechanisms of self-regulation, is the basis of secure affective attachment.

These findings are very important for understanding the therapeutic process in working on developing neutralization and mentalization – the therapist is not expected to compensate the love that the client did not receive from his parents, but to help him develop the ability to mentalize and self-regulate. This formulation of the dynamics of affective attachment allowed Fonagy to specify what goes wrong when a child develops an insecure attachment. Trauma in the form of neglect or abuse disrupts neurobiological functions that include the representation of feelings, thoughts, beliefs, desires and results in dissociation. The child does not perceive its mother as a person who properly reflects its affective states and develops an insecure attachment. The inner world of the child becomes incomprehensible, frightening or painful. It cannot process it, explain it to itself, understand it… it needs someone else to do that for it. This is what clients expect from their therapists, especially when they are in a state of incomprehensible tension or panic, to mentalize for them and teach them how to do it.

Sometimes borderline pathology can arise in the child’s attempt to adapt to its inability to mentalize its own or the caregiver’s conditions. The absence of mentalization leads to an unstable representation of the self. What is crucial is not the loss of early connections, but the child’s failure to develop the mental processing system that generates mental representations. A child who has developed the capacity for mentalization will also bear the loss of early relationships with less damage because it is more independent in self-regulation.

We have seen, from Chris’s and Fonagy’s findings, that the child’s capacity to neutralize and mentalize is directly dependent on its relationship with the object of love and that it is adopted and developed by some kind of identification. This means that it is directly dependent on the capacity of the mother (or other person raising the child) for neutralization and mentalization. What can influence the increase of the capacity for neutralization and mentalization in the psychotherapy process?

Technical implications

It is well-known in the psychotherapy literature that the psychotherapist cannot help the client in resolving what the psychotherapist himself has not resolved within himself, nor to help him develop some ability that he has not mastered on his own. That’s logical. One cannot give to another what one does not have. We have already mentioned that the work of a psychotherapist requires a high degree of autonomy of ego functions and neutralization and mentalization.

Ralph Greenson (1966 ^[34]) discusses the difficulties of candidates in psychoanalysis training related to instinct involvement in the listening process. What happens is that the relatively autonomous ego function of listening to the client is re-influenced by instincts (deneutralized). An autonomous ego function that takes place in a conflict-free zone can lose its autonomy if some isolated and repressed sexual (or aggressive) conflict is mobilized, triggered by something in the work with the client. Unneutralized energy then occupies the ego function that was free from conflicts. Then the function of listening falls under the service of the id – seeking satisfaction (eg voyeurism of a psychotherapist, I listen to satisfy my curiosity …). Before, the candidate listened to understand, but now he listens to satisfy his sexual curiosity or aggression. We need to distinguish between empathy and countertransference. The goal of empathic listening is to understand the client. The goal of countertransference is to satisfy some of the therapist’s impulses or attempt to master them. The desire to cure the client can also be re-influenced by instincts, which can jeopardize the psychotherapy process. The client is not in psychotherapy to meet any needs of the psychotherapist. The object relationship with the client is of decisive importance for whether empathy or countertransference will develop. It is not possible to empathize with a client if there is a strong instinctual component to the relationship. Empathy requires that we care for the client (not that we are strongly attracted to him or that we love him as a possible partner…), which is a goal-inhibited, relatively neutralized object relationship. Greenson believes that the capacity to empathize with a client is an autonomous ego function that uses neutralized energy. Empathy is dependent on the neutralization of instincts and maintenance of object constancy (by the therapist).

As the development of the ability to neutralize is closely related to identification with the object, the quality of empathy that the object (parent, therapist) has in relation to the subject and the ability of the object itself to neutralize, it clearly follows that, in development of the ability to neutralize, the therapist ability for empathy is of crucial importance – his high level of ability for neutralization (prudence) and mentalization (the ability to understand and explain to the client his feelings, as well as his own feelings and states). The client identifies with those aspects of the therapist’s behavior.

The client is confused about his own emotions and the emotions of other people. Confused by the dual role that emotions can play in relation to cognition. They can “darken the mind”, make us irrational, or they can also be the core source of cognition, the key criterion for recognizing the truth, the knowledge criterion. Teaching a child or a client to mentalize implies that, in some way, certain basic knowledge about the principles of the emotion functioning is imparted to them. When some basic principles of the functioning of emotions are understood, then it is easier to create a “theory of mind”, to understand the states of others and oneself.

Stein (Stein, R. 1998 ^[35]) talks about two principles of the functioning of affects; he calls the first principle of affective functioning the principle of articulation (calling it principle A ). The principle of articulation sharpens and illuminates emotions and self-understanding. Stein calls the second principle of the functioning of affects the principle of affective saving (principle B ). It is the principle that blocks, cancels or moves overwhelming or damaging affects. Together, these two principles form the basis of affective life – the dualism of affective functioning, the combination of cognitive and hedonistic in affects . Feelings, on the one hand, provide us with immediate, intimately meaningful knowledge about ourselves and others. On the other hand, feelings are a source of danger, the basis of unbearable experiences, traumas and dangers for our mental existence. Feelings inform us about ourselves, about people, our environment, in an immediate and personally specific way. But there are also situations when feelings change their face . Instead of an informative, signaling, cognitive function, a function of amplifying the most important dimensions of experience, feelings become bearers of suffering and pain in an intensity that cannot be endured. That dualism is deeply rooted in the nature of emotions. Learning dualism and pain-pleasure principle in affect. Border between the recognition of some mental event through feelings and reaching the limits of one’s experience on the dimension pleasant-unpleasant, joy-pain, is dictated by critical thresholds, above which feelings automatically change – causing the need to stop and control (principle B ) . It is very important for a psychotherapist to understand these two dialectically alternating principles, and to respect them. Some psychotherapeutic schools believe that the release of emotions in their full intensity is curative , while others are in favor of learning to control emotions, without understanding the inherent duality in the core of the affect functioning.

Discussing the duality of these principles is also important for understanding the ability to neutralize – turning raw drive energy (overwhelming, threatening to the Ego) into neutralized energy that the Ego can use for cognitive and adaptive purposes. (principle B protects principle A, they complement each other).

Some psychotherapy techniques are aimed at supporting principle A (insight, verbalization, expressive techniques), and some at supporting principle B (self-regulation techniques, affect control…). Psychotherapy methods could be classified as revealing and covering . Revealing tends towards insight, awareness of the unconscious, while covering tends towards support, mitigation, establishing control… If we understand the duality in the functioning of affects, it becomes clear that such exclusivity is not in accordance with human nature.

Principle A tends to the articulation of feelings, naming and explanation, which opens channels to verbal memory and connecting affects with linguistic structures ( mentalization ), thus enriching affects with mental representations from other modalities that can preserve them. The search for insight and interpretation, in psychoanalysis, support the full development of affects, their manifestation, explanation and confirmation. But interpretation is only one of the functions leading to articulation. Those functions include: 1) abstraction – extracting a special affect or emotional experience from the mass of sensations and unfinished feelings, giving it a meaning and sense; 2) verbalization of affects, translation into words, into a normal communicative form ( giving names to feelings reduces anxiety, it is no longer something that bothers us, but something specific, which can be verbalized, communicated to others through speech); 3) symbolization – translating bodily sensations into mental experience (similar to the transition from present objects to the symbols that represent them); 4) historicization and narrativization, which surrounds previous and present life experiences as a context of the affect…

Emotions must undergo a transformation in order to become material for thoughts (Bion, 1962 ^[36]). In the first stage, they are the raw material for thinking and dreaming. In the second stage (which requires the achievement of object constancy), feelings can be manifested as knowledge and become means for the development of other thoughts and the development of personality.

These theoretical clarifications should help us to understand the therapy techniques that we will use with clients in the process of learning and developing the ability to neutralize. From what we have already seen, it appears that the ability to neutralize can be developed, in general, in two ways: procedural and declarative learning. We will clarify these two ways of learning, before moving on to the techniques offered by different psychotherapy schools, which can be used to develop the ability to neutralize through the first or second form of learning.

Procedural and declarative knowledge

An increasing number of authors within psychoanalytic theory accept the position that something more than interpretation is necessary for emotional change. Insight and interpretation are forms of cognition that fall into the symbolic domain of so-called explicit declarative knowledge (knowledge that can be verbalized, symbolically represented, conscious knowledge of facts…).

However, at least two kinds of knowledge, two kinds of representations, and two kinds of memories are created and reconstructed in dynamic psychotherapy. One is explicit (declarative) and the other is implicit (procedural), or, as the authors call it, implicit relational knowledge (unconscious knowledge about ways of being with another person (Stern, 1998 ^[37]). In the analytical setup, this domain includes moments of interaction that occur between the client and the analyst, that can create a new organization or reorganize not only the relationship between the interacting persons, but, even more importantly, the client’s implicit knowledge, his ways of relating to others. The client learns, for example, in the relationship with the analyst, a different, new model of how to be in a relationship with others. Through insight, he can gain knowledge that, for example, in his relationship with his parents, he always felt tension and the need to meet their expectations, and that he feels the same way with other people, especially to authorities. Procedural knowledge is, in fact, the acquiring of the ability not to feel that way, to feel that he can be himself and have an authentic relationship (learned in relation between him and the analyst). In order for a person to feel relaxed in relation to another, certain mechanisms of regulation must be mastered, certain procedures, activities within the mind and organism that are implicitly learned through a new relationship and extended to other relationships. Stern talks about the fact that such implicit, procedural knowledge about relationships is acquired in the relationship with a therapist in special moments that initiate the process of moving forward . He called them moments of encounter .

Powerful emotional movements occur within implicit relational knowledge. Most of what is perceived as a lasting psychotherapy effect is actually the result of changes in this intersubjective relational domain. Practice shows us that after successfully completing treatment, clients generally remember two types of key events that they believe led to change. Some are key interpretations (insights) that reorganized their inner world. Others are specific moments of the authentic relationship established with the therapist that changed the relationship with the therapist and further changed the client’s experience of himself. These reports indicate that many therapies fail or end too quickly not because of inaccurate or unaccepted interpretations, but because of a missed opportunity to establish a meaningful relationship between two people. Interpretations and moments of encounter can act to influence each other or reinforce each other, but, nevertheless, they cannot be explained with the help of the other. Also, neither of those two factors of change takes a privileged place to explain the change itself. They remain separate phenomena. They also shouldn’t be put in competitive positions. They are complementary events.

Declarative knowledge is explicit, conscious and represented symbolically through images or words. It is the content of the interpretation that enhances the conscious understanding of the client’s intrapsychic organization (what it does, why it does it…understanding one’s own internal dynamics, understanding the origin of current behaviors, their roots in the past…).

On the other hand, procedural knowledge is implicit and operates outside the focus and conscious verbal experience. This knowledge is represented in a non-symbolic way in the form of what we will call implicit relational knowledge . Most of the literature on implicit knowledge concerns knowing the interactions between one’s own body and the inanimate world (these are automated skills like, for example, riding a bicycle). There is also another type of implicit knowledge, which concerns knowing the relationship between intersubjective and intrasubjective – for example how to ‘be’ with someone (Stern, 1985 ^[38], 1995 ^[39]). For example, as explained in the literature on affective attachment, the infant learns very early which forms of affective approaches the parent will accept and which will be rejected (Lyons-Ruth, 1991) ^[40]. It is this second kind of procedural knowledge that we call implicit relational knowledge. Such knowledge integrates affective, cognitive and behavioral/interactive dimensions. It can remain outside of consciousness, but it can also form the basis for what will later become symbolically represented.

Thus, in psychotherapy, declarative knowledge comes from verbal interpretations that enhance the client’s intrapsychic understanding within the context of a psychoanalytic and usually transference relationship (the client realizes that his relationship to the analyst is a transfer of feelings towards significant persons from the past…). However, implicit relational knowledge, on the other hand, comes through an authentic, real relationship between two people, through an authentic experience of a different relationship with someone that changes previous patterns of implicit relational knowledge.

Implicit relational knowledge is a key concept in the developmental psychology of preverbal infants. Observations and research indicate that infants, for the most part, interact with caregivers based on relational knowledge. They have certain expectations and show surprise or upset when expectations are not met (Sander, 1988 ^[41]; Trevarthen, 1979 ^[42]; Tronick et al., 1978 ^[43]). Furthermore, implicit knowledge is formed in the first year of life through representations of interpersonal events in a non-symbolic form. This is evident not only in the fact that the infant has expectations but also in the generalization of certain patterns of interaction (Stern, 1985 ^[44]; Beebe & Lachmann, 1988 ^[45]; Lyons-Ruth, 1991 ^[46]). That implicit, non-verbalized knowledge about relationships, about what it’s like to be with another, what to expect, to get…that sense of relationship is built very early on and is the basis of later patterns of interaction with people.

Implicit relational knowledge is, of course, not only acquired in the pre-symbolic stage of development in children. Research on development, by several authors (Stern, 1985, 1995; Sander, 1962 ^[47], 1988; Tronick & Cohn, 1989 ^[48]; ), has emphasized the developing process of negotiation in the early years of life, which consists of a series of adaptive tasks between the child and its caregiving environment. The child and caregivers harmonize with each other – they adapt through negotiation (which does not have to be verbal), and through this interaction, different strategies for living together and being in interaction emerge. The unique configuration of adaptive strategies that emerges from this process in each individual constitutes the original setup of their domain of implicit relational knowledge. Several different terms and conceptual variations have been proposed, each referring to a slightly different relational phenomenon. Among them are: Bowlby’s internal working models of attachment (Bowlby, 1973 ^[49]), Stern’s proto-narrative envelopes and his schemes for being-with (Stern, 1995 ^[50]), Sander’s themes of organization (Sander, 1997 ^[51]) as well as Trevarthen’s relational scripts (Trevarthen, 199342). ). All these terms describe basic representations, knowledge, patterns and strategies for being with others, internal, non-verbalized models – procedural knowledge.

During life, a wide range of implicit knowledge appears in people, in their relationships with others, including various actions in the relationship with the therapist, which we call transference. These knowledges are often not symbolically represented, which does not mean that they are dynamically unconscious, in the sense that they are defensively excluded from consciousness. They are just not made conscious, articulated. If the therapist recognizes that the client manifests those implicit patterns in in the relationship with him (through transference) and verbalizes them (through interpretation), it can help the client to become aware, recognize, and translate his implicit knowledge into declarative ones (but this may not be enough for a change). Stern cites a typical example of such an interpretation told by the psychoanalyst Guntrip, and it refers to a moment of his personal analysis that he had with Winnicott. At the end of one of the sessions, Winnikott said to him: I have nothing to say, but I am afraid that if I say nothing you will think that I am not here. The analyst recognized the implicit assumption – the knowledge of his client’s relationship and verbalized it.

Just as interpretation is a therapeutic event that rearranges the client’s conscious declarative knowledge, Stern speaks of moments of encounter as moments that rearrange the implicit relational knowledge of both the client and the analyst. This precisely is why this moments are of importance, as they are a basic units of subjective change in the domain of implicit relational knowledge. When there is a change in the interpersonal environment, it is precisely the moment of encounter that has led to it. This change will be felt, while the altered environment will then act as a new effective context in which mental activities will take place and be shaped, and thereby retroactively reorganize the experience of past events.

When working with the ability to neutralize, understanding these mechanisms of procedural knowledge developing are of particular importance to us. What are the internal procedures by which a person neutralizes his instinctive energies and makes them available to the ego, useful for adaptation? How, through moments of encounter, are those new, changing implicit relational experiences acquired that enable better, more synchronized ways of being with others?

Stern talks about the mechanisms of mutual regulation between two people, which is based on micro-exchanges of information through systems of perception and showing emotions. The initial mutual regulation takes place between mother and child, through the regulation of conditions such as hunger, sleep, changes in the sequence of activities, excitement, as well as the need for social contact. Immediately afterwards, the levels of joy are regulated, as well as the levels of other affective states, the level of activation, that is, excitement, the need for research, the formation of meaning through the binding and attribution of concepts; so that almost all other types of states are regulated, including mental, physiological and motivational states. Regulation includes amplifying, reducing, elaborating, fixing, setting, as well as restoring to some predefined state of balance. Depending on whether the caregiver recognises the child’s condition, that is, on the specificity of that recognition, the nature and degree of clarity of the child’s experience will depend, along with other factors. This adaptation establishes a common direction that helps determine the nature and quality of the features that emerge on that occasion.

Mutual interaction does not imply complete symmetry between the participants, but only that the influence is bilaterally managed. Each of the participants brings their own past into the interaction, thus shaping and limiting the space for adaptive maneuvers of both sides. Current concepts that can be drawn from developmental studies suggest that what the child internalizes is, in fact, the product of a process of mutual regulation, rather than an object or partial object in itself (Beebe & Lachmann, 1988 ^[52], 1996 ^[53]; Stern, 1985, 1995; Tronick & Weinberg, 1997 ^[54]). Permanent regulation implies repetitions of a precisely defined sequence of experiences, which then lead to expectations and thus become the basis of implicit relational knowledge. We will cite one example:

Example 1 (Jovanović, N., 2013 ^[55])

Client R., a man in his thirties, comes to therapy because of problems in communicating with people, especially with women. He sees himself as a “social imbecile”, withdrawn, closed, afraid to approach women, to communicate freely…he considers that he is not “sexy”, that he is a “nerd”. He never had a girlfriend, although he had sexual experience with prostitutes. Listening to him talking, I felt a discrepancy between what I was seeing and what he was saying. Already on our first session, after ten minutes, after he relaxed a little, he did not seem to me like a person who lacks spontaneity and charm. On the contrary, I really liked his childish, somewhat confused smile, a certain amount of humor at his own expense, at the expense of his “clumsiness”… It was weird to me that he could not make good social contacts. I felt good in his company, why shouldn’t other people?

Through the conversation, I tried to find out what his “clumsiness” actually looks like, how that “mess” in communication arise when he withdraws and becomes closed. I asked him to describe those social situations in detail, especially with people of the opposite sex. I also searched for the earliest memories of that kind of inadequacy. I found it interesting how he described the scenes of the first “defeats” in communication with girls. The first painful “failure” looked like this: he is in the company of two girls and two boys. One girl is his friend (who had a crush on him) and the other girl is new in class (he likes her and is “in love” with her. The other boys like her too.) His friend announces that the new girl likes one of them too, but she doesn’t say who. Then the girl whispers to her friend who it is, and the friend then says his name. He starts jumping happily and shouts “hooray”… In another scene, he is at a children’s birthday party, and he plots with his friend to “attack” two girls. They agree on who will do what. Then he starts, approaches the girl and hugs her, but his friend does not follow him. The girl pushes him away a little, but they continue to play in a circle… He remembers having a good time and going “crazy” on that birthday.

He felt good in both situations. I asked him what the defeat was. Defeat came later, when he returned home and began to think about it. He had the feeling that he did something wrong, that he was too… too much something, but he doesn’t know how to describe it. He does this all the time. Actually, it also happens that he has some successful, spontaneous communication with girls, but afterwards, through the analysis of his actions, he feels that something was not right, and then freezes in the next communication. He talks about a college friend with whom he established good, spontaneous communication when they met. He saw that he “has a green light”, that she is comfortable with him and wants to continue communication. However, the next day, at the new meeting, he froze because, after the meeting, he had the feeling that something was wrong, or that he would not be able to repeat the good contact. Because of his withdrawal, the friend thought that he was ignoring her, which spoiled their communication.

During those subsequent analyzes of his behavior, he cannot say exactly what was wrong. It’s more of a “feeling of inadequacy”, a feeling that it was “too odd” … as if it could only have two states – either it was “inarticulate” or “frozen”. I could not see that “inarticulateness” in any of the examples he gave me. What is so inappropriate and inarticulate about a seven-year-old yelling “hooray” when he hears that a girl who he likes likes him back?

Through conversations about his family, his relationship with his parents, and the relationship between his parents, we learn that his parents are very “closed” sexually, especially his mother. Those matters were never discussed in their house. The most important thing was what others would say. The mother in particular showed signs of anxiety and discomfort at any sexual allusion, even a joke. It was always “too much” for her, something inappropriate, bad…that should not be mentioned, nor shown. After each manifestation of childish sexuality, the “mother’s voice” was subsequently included, but not in the form of prohibitions, verbal messages, but more as implicit knowledge about relationships, about what is appropriate and what is not in a relationship. That implicit knowledge of relationships became generalized as a way of being with the other. It also extended to relationships with men, though not to that extent.

As a profession, he chose informatics, the exchange of information, instead of the exchange of feelings. When, on one occasion, we hit the topic of the difference between business and personal communication, I mentioned to him that in personal, close communication, emotional information is exchanged much more, information about what someone likes or dislikes, information about personal values…he looked at me and widened his eyes, as if for the first time in his life he heard some great truth, something he had not even thought about. That’s what he told me. “Something like that never occurred to me…neither did anyone tell me that…I mostly exchange dry information, like a computer.” It’s no wonder people are bored by it, that I’m boring to them.” I reminded him of his emotions in the situations we mentioned. “It turns out I was doing the right thing at the time…well yes, I felt much better and I was getting along well with the kids…but it conflicted with what I felt was appropriate in communication with my mother. ” ..as if it was a proper comparison model for me. Now I understand why you do it.”

“What am I doing?” I asked him.

“Well, you know, after a while I noticed something strange about your behavior, unusual actually…At first I didn’t know how to relate to it, but later I liked it. I felt as if it was becoming my new model, that it was somehow being incorporated into me.”

“What do you mean?” I asked him in surprise, because I didn’t know what he meant.

“Well, the fact that you always widen your eyes, or smile, or do something that shows that you like it when I’m a little more emotional, when I’m pointing with my hands while talking about something, when I’m talking about hot girls… I often get the impression that you will start applauding me…”

His statement and the way he imitated my behavior caused me to burst out laughing, and then he did too.

“I like how this is developing,” he told me, “it’s one thing to talk about how I’d like to be with people, it’s another to feel it, to be different with someone…”

I could not say that I was aware of my nonverbal behavior, nor that my nonverbal reinforcement of his emotionality was some kind of therapeutic technique aimed at “corrective emotional experience” through the reinforcement of openness. These were, in fact, my authentic reactions to the client that were there from the beginning, which I did not consciously notice and which led to that authentic moment of “encounter” through shared laughter…

The previous psychoanalytic observations shed some light on how the process of neutralization takes place through the learning of procedural knowledge in relation to the analyst, through mutual regulation and moments of encounter… In psychotherapy, however, there are numerous techniques that can serve to directly teach the ability to neutralize. We will mention only some of them in order to clarify the principle of recognizing the usefulness of a technique for the development of a certain emotional competence. A larger number of techniques for the development of basic emotional competences can be found in the book ” The ability to love and work – OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy (Jovanović, N. 2013) and ” Collections of techniques for the development of emotional competences ” (Cmiljanović, O., Škorić, J. 2022)^[56]

Focusing technique (Eugen Gendlin, 1982 ^[57]) and neutralization

1. Clearing the space : “I will ask you to be quiet, focused on yourself. Take some time to relax… Okay, now I’d like you to turn your attention inward, to your body, maybe your stomach or your chest. Observe what will appear there when I ask you: “What is my life like? What is the most important thing for me right now?” Feel the inside of your body. Let the answers slowly emerge from that feeling . When a concern arises, don’t get into it . Take a step back and say , “Yes, there it is.” I feel it’s there .” Let there be some free space between you and that worry. Then ask what else you feel. Wait and try to feel again. Most often there are several things.
2. Sensory impression : “Among everything that appears, choose one personal problem to focus on.” Don’t get into it just yet . Take a step back. Of course, there are many aspects of that one thing you are thinking about – too many to think about each one individually. But you can feel them all together. Pay attention to the place where you have feelings most often and there you can feel how “everything related to the problem” looks like. Allow yourself to feel a vague sense of it all.”
3. Key word : “What is the quality of that vague sensory impression? Let a word, a sentence or a picture emerge from the sensory impression. It could be a word describing a quality, such as tight, sticky, scary, muffled, heavy, nervous; or a sentence or a picture. Stay with the quality of the sensory impression until the word, sentence, or image is completely aligned with it.”
4. Alignment : “Move back and forth between the sensory impression and the word (sentence or picture). Check how they fit. See if there is some tiny physical indicator that will indicate to you that the two things match. In order to do this, you have to experience the sensory impression again, as well as the word. Let the sensory impression change, if it begins to change itself, and so does the word or image, until the word fits the quality of the sensory impression properly.”
5. Asking questions : “Now ask the question: what is all that is connected to the wholeness of this problem that causes this quality (which you have just named or associated with a picture)?” Feel the quality again, fresh, vivid (not just as a memory from the previous moment). When it reappears, pay attention to it, stay with it and ask it “Why is this whole problem so…?” Or ask the question “What is in that feeling?” If you get a quick answer, without any shift in sensory impression, you simply miss that kind of response. Pay attention to your body again and rediscover the sensory impression. Then ask the question again. Stay conscious of the feeling until something comes up followed by a movement, a slight ‘giving way’ or release.”
6. Receiving . “Whatever comes your way, accept it in a friendly way.” Stay with it for a while, even if you feel only a slight release of tension. Whatever has appeared, it is only one of the movements, and there will be others. You will probably move on after some time, but stay with this movement for a few moments. If, during all these instructions, you spent even just a moment feeling and touching some vague, whole body sensation of this problem , it means that you have been focusing in the right way. It doesn’t matter if an emotional movement occurred or not. It’s appearance is unpredictable. We cannot force it…”.

This technique has the potential of developing the ability to neutralize. How and why? Let’s recall the focusing steps:

Clearing space – at this first step, focusing teaches the client to spot the problem, but to take a distance from it. To not give in, and not let the problem overwhelm him, but to, at the same time, maintain awareness of what’s happening in his body. This stepping away, making a distance between the impulse and the Ego, is the first step in learning the art of neutralization. Not reacting to the first hint, restraint, distancing, maintaining body awareness… can be the first lesson in the skill of neutralization, balancing between principle A – articulation and principle B – affective saving that we talked about.

Sensory impression – We talked about the fact that the object wholeness and the ability to neutralize are two-way related. Maintaining awareness of the whole experience is essential for neutralization. Positive and negative emotions, if experienced as a whole, neutralize each other, reducing the intensity and exclusive quality of black and white emotions. It follows that techniques that support the wholeness (and constancy) of the object also help in acquiring the ability of neutralization.

Key word – everything that can be named, translated into the world of words , can be more easily neutralized. Verbalization translates instinctual energy into neutral energy, one that the Ego can cognitively process. The more accurate the naming, the better the cognitive processing, and its connection with other experiences, the integration of various fragmented elements of the experience into a whole. The word is the glue, the glue maintains the wholeness of the experience, the wholeness of the experience enables neutralization, the neutralized energy strengthens the Ego and allows the glue to hold better , because there are no extreme opposites that tend to tear the experience apart… In addition, the word connects implicit procedural relational knowledge with declarative knowledge.

Alignment – Just paying attention to matching experiences and words, moving back and forth…it’s already part of processing the problem, taking the optimal distance from the problem (I’m in the problem, but I’m not the problem)…these are already actions or stages in the process of problem solving. The energy of the problem is used to solve the problem. Sensory impression is related to procedural knowledge, and the word serves to connect it with declarative – conscious and symbolic forms of cognition. It introduces a person to the process of mentalization.

Asking questions – In this step, the cognitive processing of the problem continues, but the focus is maintained on the body, on relaxing or releasing tension . In fact, this very letting go or release is neutralization. A person is not hooked, trapped, chained by their instinctual energies and conflicts between them. Released, instinct-free energy becomes available to the Ego, comprehensible, usable for problem solving. This balancing between procedural and declarative at the same time shifts the focus of both client and therapist to two equally important types of learning that take place in the psychotherapy process.

Receiving – this step teaches us that the Ego must be aware of its source of energy. He cannot have an arrogant attitude towards it, the attitude of a ruler. The neutralized energy of the instincts can be used by the Ego, but it cannot be produced. He receives that energy with a sense of gratitude. Chris taught us that the reservoir of neutralized energy is the basis of the ego’s secondary autonomy. Focusing allows bursts of energy that represent the degree and capacity for short-term redistribution of drive energy. It takes time for the reservoir to fill up and become a more permanent source of stability for a person.

Techniques of self-regulation and neutralization

Various techniques that teach the client to self-regulate, to control their physiological reactions, can affect the improvement of the ability to neutralize. Using biofeedback and neurofeedback methods in working with clients, teaching them various self-regulation skills, we came to certain insights into how this transformation of energy from instinct-colored to neutral actually takes place (of course, an insight only into a part of that mechanism). The basis of transformation is rhythm, not intensity . (Jovanović, 2005 ^[58]). Neutralized energy is rhythmic . We could say that Stern’s text about the learning of procedural knowledge, about mutual self-regulation and moments of encounter, in fact, tells us about a certain tuning between two people and the feeling that one can be in harmony with another, on the same wavelengths, synchronized… All these are musical terms. Are they just metaphors or realistic descriptions of events?

Sensors and instruments that measure different physiological functions show us that it is not about metaphors, but the real connection of rhythmic events in bodily functions with neutralized energy, available to the ego. For example, it is known that mastering certain brain rhythms through neurofeedback training helps children with ADHD to develop better attention and reduce hyperactive and impulsive behavior (Jovanović, 2008 ^[59]). Better focus, attention, reduced impulsivity and hyperactivity are characteristics of neutralized energy, as changes in brain rhythms obviously affect changes in the form of energy that becomes stable and available for use by Ego functions.

Working with clients in biofeedback, we could clearly see how their rhythms are disrupted when they are flooded with unneutralized aggressive or libidinous energy (sensors recorded heart rate, brain waves, muscle tension, breathing, skin conductivity, finger temperature…). When a person is overwhelmed by emotions, the heart beats irregularly, rapidly, breathing is shallow, rapid and at irregular intervals, muscles are tense and twitch irregularly.. .

However, people can learn to regain their rhythms while remaining under high pressure. When, for example, they stabilize breathing, when it becomes rhythmic and slower, the rhythm of the heart also changes. And even if the muscle tone remains high, a person can feel a light and pleasant rhythmic flow through the muscles. The temperature of the fingers increases, the permeability of the skin decreases (palm sweating). How does the client feel when he matches his rhythms? The client feels that he has adjusted himself, that he is in control of himself, and that he has a new kind of energy that motivates him to solve problems, but in a more calm, prudent and efficient way. This is what we call neutralization. Therefore, we can say that training to stabilize body rhythms is one of the basic elements in learning neutralization. It is clear that a small child learns this mainly through identification processes, by direct synchronization with the mother’s rhythms. However, adults, thanks to the possibilities of verbal communication and instruction, can learn these processes with the help of more developed cognitive mechanisms.

There are numerous therapeutic techniques within other psychotherapy areas that can be useful in developing the ability to neutralize. Here we have listed only a few in order to indicate the principle that guides us when choosing techniques suitable for working on the development of a certain emotional competence. In the collection of OLI Center techniques for the development of each of the mentioned emotional competencies, numerous techniques from other schools can also be found and be used for the development of neutralization and mentalization.

 

Treatment based on mentalization

Fonagy and Beteman (2008 ^[60]) defined several principles of their psychotherapy approach, which is based on mentalization. Treatment based on mentalization is defined as a psychotherapy process in which the patient’s mind becomes the focus of the treatment. The goal of MBT (Mentalization Based Treatment) is for patients to discover what they think and feel about themselves and others, how it causes their reactions, and how errors in their understanding of themselves and others lead to actions aimed at preserving stability and making sense of incomprehensible feelings.

More specific goals of this treatment, according to the authors, are:

• to establish mentalization at that developmental moment in which it was stopped
• to stabilize the ability of mentalizing in the context of attachment relationships
• to minimize the probability of side effects in the treatment
• to enable the client to recognize himself and others as persons with a mind that should always be taken into account and that deserves to be known.

The first among the principles emphasized by the authors of this treatment is the avoidance of iatrogenicity (harm) of psychotherapy treatments . The two authors found that borderline personality disorder, to which their approach is most devoted, is actually not such a hopeless diagnosis and that a high percentage of people who receive this diagnosis feel a significant improvement eighteen months after the start of treatment within various psychotherapy frameworks (Dimitrijević, 2011).

Fonagy and Bateman (2006) explain the fact that their treatment lasts five to six years on average by the ^[61]harmful effect of psychotherapy interventions, which are not precisely aimed at the mechanisms underlying borderline personality disorder. An unstable and reduced capacity for mentalizing is a central feature of borderline personality disorder, so any treatment, in order to be successful, must be aimed at mentalizing or at least stimulate its development as its epiphenomenon, say the authors. Not only borderline disorder, but most of the other mental disorders are also the result of the mind misinterpreting its own experiences (Bateman, Fonagy, & Allen, 2009 ^[62]). Findings already show the important role of mentalization in the emergence of post-traumatic stress disorder and depression (Allen, 2001 ^[63]), eating disorders (Skarderud, 2007 ^[64]). Fonagy and Bateman (2006) highlight the following attitudes and actions as most harmful to patient progress in therapy:

• to be convinced and acting as if we already know how the patient feels
• discuss with the patient about the causes of his problems and disorders
• apply any form of non-mentalizing or even anti-mentalizing interventions.

In therapy based on mentalization, the recommended therapeutic attitude is modesty , which comes from a) an attitude of not-knowing (the therapist does not know in advance what is wrong with the client, but together they explore feelings and experiences to see how the client gets to a certain state), b) patience to provide client with enough time for identifying different perspectives c) actively questioning the client about his experiences, looking for detailed descriptions of the experience (asking what happened, instead of why), e) carefully avoiding the need to understand something that seems to us that it makes no sense (the therapist clearly states that something is not clear to him). The basic technique is clarification, asking the client to try to clarify his experiences, the ways in which he perceives and interprets himself and others. The feature of good mentalization is sensitivity to external and internal signals of possible misunderstandings, as well as the fact that a person tries to understand them if they occur and to adapt to new perspectives or information. This is, in fact, what we call reality testing . Treatment based on mentalization is a form of education and training of the function of mentalization with the aim of developing an autobiographical self – a person’s ability to give coherent descriptions of intentions and plans (their own or other people’s) that place them in a logical causal-time frame (Karterud and Bateman, 2011) ^[65].

We can see the great similarity of this concept with the concept of the Ego (Loevinger, 1976 ^[66]) – as a “storyteller” – an instance of a personality that is able to tell coherent, clear stories about itself and others, stories from which characters can be understood, as well as their mental and emotional states, actions.

In working with the client, the therapist recognizes pre-mentalistic ways of thinking and directs the client to attempts to mentalize. Adults can function at pre-mentalistic stages, especially when they are under a lot of emotional pressure. Knowing the stages of development of mentalization and pre-mentalistic forms of thinking enables the therapist to recognize them even in their similar forms of functioning in adults.

During the development of the child, thinking begins at the level of the so-called psychic equivalence , which means that the child is not able to distinguish between the external and internal world and between fantasy and reality. This inability of differentiation in adults often leads to overflowing emotions and conflicts in relationships with others. What a person thinks and feels is not checked, reality is not tested, as well as the possibility of different interpretations, understanding of someone’s behavior, different perspectives… It can be expressed as an attitude: It is the way I think and feel, because my thoughts and feelings are not representations of reality, but are the reality itself. The therapist follows the indicators of mentalization and directs the client to such ways of functioning by his way of communicating.

Indicators of mentalizing

There are four types of indicators that determine the existence of mentalizing after the application of the Adult Attachment Interview (Dimitrijević, 2011a ^[67]) .

1. Awareness of the quality of mental states and their difference from physical reality

(“Sometimes I wonder if I’m making this all up…”);

• Explicit efforts to understand the mental state underlying some behavior (“I guess my mother was under a lot of pressure then, so she couldn’t think much about us…”);
• Recognizing the developmental factors of mental states (“I was so young that I could not understand that it was normal…”);
• Awareness of the mental states involved in the relationship with the interviewer (“I feel anxious, but I try not to show it…”).

In addition, Fonagy and Bateman listed indicators of good mentalization of others’ and own mental states (2011). The first group includes recognition of the inaccuracy of perception; absence of paranoia; the presence of contemplation and reflection; the ability to take another’s perspective; sincere interest; openness of mind; willingness to forgive; predictability. A good mentalization of one’s own thoughts and feelings is reflected in the acceptance of variability, taking a developmental perspective, realistic skepticism, acceptance of preconscious functioning, awareness of the influence of feelings, experience of autobiographical continuity, and general values and attitudes (such as caution or moderation) .

Forms of mentalizing disorder

Fonagy and Target (2008 ^[68]) describe four types of mentalizing disorders:

1. The first type is characterized by the inability to imagine the inner world of others, naivety or confusion during direct encounters with the mental world of others, as well as a lack of insight into the state of one’s own mind;
2. The second one is characterized by a loss of awareness of the difference between external and internal reality; psychic equivalence – the phenomenon where the mental states are equated with physical reality; omnipotence of subjectivity – a person’s belief that their mentalizing is infallible and that they are always right;
3. In the third case, the person has a problem separating fantasy from reality, and the “as-if” way of functioningreappears in them; as a defensive reaction to this, hyperactive mentalizing can occur – an attempt to see mental contents even when they are not there, as, for example, in the case of paranoid ideas in relationships;
4. In the last case, we have, what the authors, seemingly unjustifiably, call the teleological way of thinking , and by which they mean that some people understand actions only in terms of physical limitations or observable goals; this understanding is logically followed by the belief that thoughts and feelings change only through action. (Dimitrijević, 2011a).

A spectrum of interventions

In MBT, a very wide range of interventions is used, among which, in descending order of the therapist’s involvement, they include (Fonagy and Bateman, 2008, 2011):

1. Supportive and empathic interventions include the following specific strategies: identifying and exploring positive mentalizing, or in other words, stimulating curiosity about own motives;
2. Clarifications, challenges, and elaborations of affective states also include many individual types of interventions. Clarification means the regulation of behavior that occurs due to failure in mentalizing. Many of its elements are identical to those in other psychotherapy schools, and the original ones relate mainly to the marking of feelings ;
3. Basic mentalizing is focused on attempts to initiate mentalizing as an attitude of mind, to get patients to start thinking about own internal mental states;
4. Even more important, and more demanding, are the interventions called interpretive mentalizing . Their role is to introduce the interpretation of procedures in terms of internal mental states and prepare the patient to deal with transference manifestations;
5. Mentalizing transference – the most sophisticated form of mentalizing interventions that should be used rarely and with caution. They warn that there are more potential dangers in using transference, as it can put the patient into a as-if modality (pretending mode), further encourage their fantasy about mutual understanding with the therapist, and brings a little experiential contact with reality. In addition, when mentalizing the transference, there must be no generalization and one should avoid interpreting the present experience as a repetition of the past or a displacement, since this can lead the patient diagnosed with BPD, for whom this treatment is primarily intended, to the feeling that everything that happens in the therapy is unreal.

In mentalization based therapy, individual work and group work are combined. The groups are educational and aim is that participants learn about mentalization, attachment (forms of bonding), emotions, interpersonal interactions and mental health (Karterud and Beteman 2011a).

Other psychotherapy school techniques in development of mentalization

All psychotherapy schools that can be classified in the group of revealing psychotherapy  (those aimed at better understanding of oneself and the others), use approaches that, in a certain way, influence the development of mentalization. Most of the techniques useful for developing the ability to mentalize can be found in Gestalt psychotherapy. Gestalt therapy avoids interpretation and directs the client to the question of how he does something, and not to the question of why he does it (in contrast to the psychoanalytic approach). Gestalt is therefore closer to the principles of therapy based on mentalization ( attitude of not-knowing ). In the OLI method, we use numerous therapy techniques derived from Gestalt and psychodrama to work on the development of mentalization. One of the already mentioned, which Gestaltists call a donut (Rainwater, 2003), has proven to be particularly useful because it also enables the externalization of the mind, bringing what happens inside the mind to the outside world, where it can be observed. We will give an overview of this technique in order to indicate the criteria for choosing techniques for the development of mentalization:

Donut:

1. Wish list – make a list of your wishes. Write quickly and include everything that comes to your mind. Both tangible and intangible things. Include details that you currently enjoy and would like to continue to have.
2. Feelings about it – be aware of how you feel after reading the list. Is there a sub-personality that tells you that you should have all these desires? Or criticizes people who have some desires that you don’t have, or you don’t consider them that important? Make your own list.
3. The six most important wishes – when your list reaches 20 items or you yourself feel that you have written down every wish, examine it and choose the 5 or 6 most important wishes. You can also redo some items.
4. On a large sheet of paper, draw a donut with a diameter of 30 and 45 cm. In the middle is your Self (your deepest property). In the donut we will write 5 to 6 sub-personalities that are expressed through wishes.
5. Now draw the symbols and color them as quickly as they come to your mind.
6. Name each sub-personality (Adventurer, Good Provider, Eager Nelly, Good Health, Healer, Mother Earth, Lover, Satisfied Knower…), find your own string of names that are meaningful to you.
7. Color Self the way you want. One of the goals is to become as aware of your own Self as possible and to give it the power to decide between conflicting sub-personalities. You should not ignore or reject any sub-personality, because each of them is organized around the authentic desire of the entire personality.

Continuation – Donut dialogue

Have each identified personality in the donut talk to all the other sub-personalities and the Self. Let them say what they like about each other, what objections they have and what they want from each other. Five sub-personalities and Self = 15 dialogues, 6 sub-personalities and self = 21 dialogues. Have them say to each other sentences that begin with the words: “I love…” “I resent…” “I want you to…” “I imagine you…”

Continuation:

You can do the following exercise in a group to audibly demonstrate the conflicting voices of sub-personalities in your head: Psychodrama of sub-personalities: Choose participants to play your sub-personalities (give them some examples of dialogue so that they are able to play your sub-personalities, not theirs! ). Sit in the center of the room, and let your friends – the actors – sit around you. At a given signal, they will all start talking to you at once – flattering, persuading you, demanding, threatening… Stay in touch with your Self, register what you feel according to the statements of each of them. Be in control. Like a conductor, raise your hand to stop, or silence an excessively noisy sub-personality, or to encourage and signal one that is timid. When you do, shout “I surrender” to stop them all. Then tell each of your sub-personalities how you feel about what they said and did and how much importance you intend to assign to each of them, as your life goes forward. Thank your friends and disband them from the roles.

From the very description of the technique, we can see that it is aimed at developing the ability to recognize and understand the nature of internal conflict, the role of the Self in balancing and mastering the conflict, which are all essential elements of the ability to mentalize. The psychodramatic element of the technique provides the possibility of externalization, turning something individual, subjective, into something that can be shared with others, available for observation and exchange.

Numerous techniques for developing neutralization and mentalization are shown in the OLI Center collection of techniques for the development of basic emotional competencies (Cmiljanović, Škorić 2022) and the manual for the use of ALFA projective cards (Jovanović, 2017)^[69]

Case reports: (Jovanović, N.)

Client Z. (female), 30 years old, single, employed in a foreign company on jobs related to finance and bookkeeping, starts having panic attacks after having problems with cardiac arrhythmias, during a time period when she worked a lot and stayed at work all day. She was afraid of having a panic attack on the bus (“everyone will see that she is crazy”, “she could die of a heart attack”), in the car, afraid of losing control, at work, “her colleagues will see that she is mentally unstable”…). Then she turned to a psychiatrist for help, and was given “tranquilizers.” On medication, she feels more confident that she won’t have a panic attack, but another problem arises. She wants to start a family and have a child, but she must not get pregnant while on medication because of possible negative effects on the child. She decides to go to psychotherapy and starts working with me.

At first, she did not associate panic attacks with work. Through the conversation about when the attacks started and what she was experiencing at that time, she came to the realization that, just before the panic attacks, she was very anxious about the situation at work and her relationship with her boss. Namely, she got that job through a connection, and with that very boss. On the other hand, she is very ambivalent about that kind of work. She never liked working with numbers. That’s where she felt the least competent, and that’s “exactly what she got”. She has always dreamed of some kind of job where she would communicate with a large number of people, with the public, the media… something like working in marketing or PR service… This is where she would feel “on her own ground”. The other side of the ambivalence is what is attractive to her about the current job – the good pay. Namely, from the beginning she had a “secret plan” in her head – to get a job in that company (even a job that she doesn’t like), and then look for opportunities to get into another service, to some jobs she wants to do. However, this caused her a strong sense of guilt, as if she was doing something illegal, “in secrecy”.

The trigger for the increased anxiety and subsequent panic attacks was a situation where she “recklessly” revealed her “secret plan” and then began to fear “retribution.” In one situation, she was given the opportunity to be in contact with a senior manager in the company (above her boss), and she, incidentally, “told” him that she would like to work in marketing. After that, she feared that her boss found out about it and that she “took it to heart”, that she is preparing some kind of revenge for her, because she “bypassed” her direct superior and turned to someone above, because she is “ungrateful”, “greedy”… Now her boss will vilify her to those above, and some “terrible retribution” will follow. She can’t think of any rational “retaliation”, what it could be…she just feels that it would be terrible…that, the whole town would know what she’s like and she’d never be able to get a job again (rationally, she knows that she can find job relatively easily, she even had some offers… because the type of work she does is in high demand).

Here we can see how the mind is overwhelmed, disabled by an aggressive charge. Regardless of the fact that the client “knows” that her thoughts are not rational, she still feels strongly threatened and fears that punishment will come to her (among other things, insanity is also a possible punishment in her head). She feels that she is “at the center of attention”, of the boss, superiors, all employees of the company… as if everyone is just looking at her. We can say that, in this distorted way, the client satisfies her need to be in the center of attention and, at the same time, punishes herself for a “forbidden” urge (panic is a punishment. When she is panicked, she is miserable, and she cannot be aggressive ). Her mind is threatened by unneutralized both libidinous (need for exposure, exhibitionism) and aggressive impulses (which she projects onto others and expects revenge). Moreover, she does not know at all whether her boss found out about her conversation with her boss’s superior. Realistically, that higher-up probably has better things to do than to inform the boss about a casual conversation in the elevator with an employee…a conversation about what the employee would like to do. This implies that this employee is extremely important, so important that the entire collective should be informed about their “forbidden” desires and “big fraud”… In addition, she actually wants to leave that job because she doesn’t like it. So what if they fire her? Maybe she wants to be fired, and that’s why she exaggerates the danger (someone else would be responsible for her leaving that job, it wouldn’t be her decision.) But why would someone torture themselves so much just so that they wouldn’t make an independent decision? Why not just change jobs? She can change it. In reality, there are such possibilities. Through conversations about these issues, we came to another field, a field from which her feelings and conflicts are transferred to work. Her relationship with her mother.

After several months of work, the client brings up the topic of her relationship with her mother and brother with whom she lives. Namely, she starts the topic because something “terribly strange” starts happening to her, which increases her fear that she might go crazy. She has obsessive thoughts filled with aggressive images towards her mother and brother. Images appear to her in which she, “as if she were crazy”, takes a knife and moves towards her brother. Or, while washing the dishes, she has an image of how she should hide it from her mother because her mother will argue with her for doing that (it is the mother’s job, the “meaning of her life” to take care of them – the children) and then she would have to defend herself, to be aggressive towards her mother…She is, in reality, “never aggressive”…she doesn’t even feel aggression. Any aggression disturbs her. And at work, the thought that she could be aggressive towards the employees who are subordinate to her disturbs her a lot and then she has a panic attack. She perceives it as aggression if she demands something from the employees, if she demands that they do something. It would be better if she wasn’t in such a situation where she had to command… That’s why she doesn’t want a higher status, the position of a senior manager (when she had such an offer, she refused). When she talks about her forced thoughts about her mother and brother, she is sure that she would never do that, but she fears that such thoughts, which she cannot control, will lead to madness. Why is it so terrible for her if she feels aggressive towards her mother and brother? As if her aggressiveness would destroy them? When the ego is flooded with unneutralized instinctual energy, it is prone to so-called magical thinking. A mindset where thoughts are actions. What I think – it happens. If thoughts are actions, then it is necessary to strictly control thoughts. If the thoughts get out of control, then it means that person is crazy – that they have committed a crime. Every day everyone thinks something that seems inappropriate, stupid, crazy…but we all differ in what we do with such thoughts (and the feelings associated with them). Do we push them away, hide them “under the rug”, project them onto others, deny, repress… or do we process them and try to understand those detached, unacceptable parts of ourselves.

Z. obviously had a problem admitting to herself and accepting any aggressiveness towards her mother and brother (and thus, through the mechanism of transferring the pattern to other people, towards the other people with whom she lived in the “business family”, both those below and above her by status). Why was she angry (in her mind, murderously furious) at her mother and brother? One of the reasons is her perception that she is in a kind of “trap”, caught in a situation where it is difficult for her to choose better for herself due to her responsibility towards others (mother and brother). In fact, her income is essential for supporting the family (mother has a small pension, and her brother has an insecure, seasonal job). Leaving such a (well-paid, in a strong company) job would, in the eyes of her mother and brother, be a reflection of her spoiledness, selfishness, irrationality… To them (in her opinion, they didn’t tell her this openly) it would mean that she hadn’t grown up, that she behaves childishly and irresponsibly. They would react by being so worried and scared. In the earlier years of her life, there were similar situations, in which she could engage in some fun and interesting jobs, but her mother and brother were so worried about these jobs, they considered them risky and, even, inappropriate for “honest girl”. Their attitude would always send her the message “choose what’s safe, it doesn’t matter if you like it, because doing what you like is a luxury…” And that’s how she chose. Safe and boring. She unconsciously blamed her mother and brother for her inability to take risks and make decisions. Panic attacks also had the function of giving her an “alibi” – if she quits her job, it’s because she has to take care of her health, which she can’t take anymore… something objective, not a consequence of her “spoiled” choice. When she’s so weak and scared, she can’t even be angry and dangerous.

The choice of her “strategy” was also influenced by some other life circumstances. Her father died when she was 10 years old. Then they lost financial security and stability. After that, the mother was seriously ill for a time, so the children were afraid that they would lose their mother as well. In addition, her father’s family did not give them any support (they even threatened them not to try to fight for a part of the inheritance that belonged to their father). Not only did they not support them, but they also sent them an ultimatum request (first of all to the mother) “don’t you tarnish our family honor as a widow”. Z. saw her father’s family as extremely dangerous people “ready for anything” (even murder). After  father’s death, the mother no longer had any relationship or contacts with men. According to Z., the family constantly sent signals with the message “we are watching you”. How can you be angry with your mother in such a situation? To her, that unconsciously meant killing her. Even worrying the mother was a danger (for her health, heart…). She was not allowed to feel aggressiveness, nor was she allowed to cause aggressiveness. Her psyche found a solution in denying aggression. What is denied, cannot be neutralized (to use the energy of that feeling to solve the problem). Z., actually, could not develop the ability to tolerate ambivalence (which we will talk about a little later), the ability to accept, process, bear conflicting feelings towards another person. When such feelings appeared (in relation to mother, brother, boss, work, colleagues…) she would fall into a state of panic. Unneutralized aggression overwhelmed her ego, making it irrational. She expected disasters in situations where there was nothing catastrophic. By doing so, she put herself in a state of panic.

The psychotherapy lasted about a year and a half (with occasional interruptions of several months).The panic attacks stopped occurring with the same intensity and frequency as at the beginning already after the third month of therapy. After six months they stopped completely. At that time, the therapy goal was to leave the medication, because the client did not have the courage to go to work without the medication (she slowly reduced the dose), “just in case”, which delayed her need to get pregnant. Gradually, she became more and more able to recognize and tolerate her own aggressiveness without fear that it would mean she would go mad or become a murderer. She no longer needed panic as a defense against it (as a lesser evil). Our relationship was also of great importance in the psychotherapy process. Actually, for a long period I served her as a “guarantee that she won’t go crazy”, as a kind of assistant ego (neutralizer, instead of medicine). Gradually, the center of gravity of that function shifted to her. After that, other topics became more relevant in the psychotherapy process: her relationship with a young man, expectations from life, from a relationship, from parenting… In fact, it was no longer a therapy for panic attacks, but work on expanding the capacity for pleasure, decision-making, love and work.

………….

Neutralization and rhythm:

In working with clients through the application of OLI IPP, we came to the insight that simply facing the clients with a loss of rhythm in speech (with the fact that they look at things one-sidedly, that they mostly color reality in certain colors, that they often speak in a certain way – excessively positive or negative) and proposing that, as an experiment, they try to change the rhythm (to balance in their statements the positive and negative aspects of experiencing reality) can lead to significant changes in the way they interpret and experience reality. People often fall prone to something we call the “seriality experience.” When a certain number of positive or negative events occur, they create the feeling of “I’m blessed”, “I’m lucky” (if a series of positive events occurs. Known to gamblers) or “as if I’m cursed”, “I’m unlucky”, “evil never comes alone…” (if a series of negative events occurs). We will describe one example:

Twenty-year-old girl G. comes to therapy because of feelings of “depression” and lack of motivation, that last for two years and which, she says, were triggered by a series of deaths in the family. However, when she talks about that “series of misfortunes”, “years in which only bad things happened”, “years of losses and failures”, I notice the loss of rhythm, the coloring of reality with some “fatally black” events that “seem to be the result of some curse” . As if, at some point, “everything went wrong” (as opposed to the previous period of her life when “everything was good, carefree…). Yes, if it really was the case, it is “logical” for her to be depressed.

However, was it really so, I wondered. Reality is usually not that non-rhythmic, unless we make it so in our head, through non-rhythmic perception and interpretation. I began to question that series of “black events” of hers. First, her grandfather died, to whom she was close with. A sad event, of course. However, I later found out that her grandfather was eighty years old, and that ten years before that he had an illness due to which the doctors predicted that he would not live more than a year. And he lived nine years longer. Isn’t that a good event, I asked her? “Well, of course it is,” she replied, “it was a pure gain, and I enjoyed the time I spent with him… Yeah, I didn’t see it that way… it sounds like I’m ungrateful to life for that…” Then the aunt died, a few months after the grandfather. “She suffered from cancer for a long time… so we expected it to happen… so she wouldn’t suffer anymore, poor thing”. Then, in the following year, a friend of their father’s died from a heart attack, who often came to them, and was like a member of their family… I am not insensitive to the suffering of people when they lose loved ones, but from her story, it was not clear to me why a twenty-year-old girl would be depressed for two years due to the loss of her grandfather who was eighty years old and lived longer than expected, the death of her aunt and her father’s friend. I was missing some “proportion” in that, something was not right.

Then he tells me about her “failure in studies”. She could not pass one exam for two years, and now she is in danger of not being able to continue her studies if she does not pass it by the end of this study year. She had the highest grades in high school, but now she thinks that she is not even capable, that maybe she is not smart enough. “Everything went wrong” and she “lost the will to live”. I interrupted her in that “black series” and asked her to tell me something positive that happened in the past two years. “Well, nothing positive happened,” she answered resignedly. “That’s hardly possible,” I objected, “what about the other exams, for example?” You passed some, didn’t you?”. “Yes, I passed everything,” she answered, as if it was nothing. (by the way, she attends a very difficult university, and she failed several times in a subject in which a large number of students usually fail) “With what grades?”, I asked her. “Well, mostly nines, tens,” she answered. “And you, from that mix of positive and negative, singled out only negative things, thus creating the experience of a series of negative events where everything goes downhill, one after the other,” I noticed. “Yes, it seems so. Until then, everything was going smoothly. No one died from people close to me, I always had good grades…”. “So you expected it to always be like that, that life always brings you only good, success… as if you weren’t immunized to failure and bad things.” “Yes, I think you’re right. I didn’t see it that way, but now it’s clear to me that, without noticing, I focused my attention only on failures, and experienced that life held some grudge against me, that I’m in some kind of disfavor…

In this example, we can see how this client’s low tolerance for frustration (overprotection, lack of “immunization”, dealing with life’s problems…) led to selective perception and loss of rhythm in perceiving and interpreting reality. In fact, she became “furious at life”, and projected her own unneutralized aggression on life (life as a “bad object”), expecting disfavor from life in return, something greater than her, that “shapes her destiny”… I asked her to tell me her story again, but this time to create a rhythm, to insert both positive and negative events into the story. The change in rhythmicity in the perception and interpretation of reality also led to rapid changes in her feelings. After the first session, her mother already contacted me with the question “What did you do to her?!” As soon as she came home, she entered the room, in a good mood, and started studying… Truly, a miracle after that series of misfortunes in the family…”. I replied that I just removed the “series of misfortunes” from her speech and thinking and helped her add positive events to her story, then everything seemed different to her. I also asked the mother to remove the “series of accidents” and “terrible, terrible” from her speech. The girl soon started going out, seeing people, ” again doing the things she used to like”, reading the books she liked, doing some hobbies… and then she got hold of studying for that exam that was a problem, and she passed it.

We can conclude that the development of the ability to neutralize is the development of the ability to “attune” oneself to the world and others, the ability to turn the non-rhythmic and disharmonic into rhythmic and harmonious. We learn this ability to tune ourselves in a relationship through interactions and mutual regulation – through learning procedural, implicit knowledge about relationships, processes of synchronization and identification. But these abilities can also be developed through conscious, declarative learning, learning rational (rhythmic, harmonious) ways of thinking.

Neutralization is related to converting instinctive energy into energy available to the Ego for adaptation and problem solving. And instinctive energy is non-rhythmic. It is precisely this non-rhythmicity, which is experienced as a state of tension, that “forces” living beings to satisfy the drive and by satisfying the drive, they establish rhythmicity, thus eliminating the experience of tension. Let’s just look at the example of a male dog when it smells a fertile female. He’s all uneasy, disturbed, his movements are non-rhythmic, inarticulate… only the satisfaction of the urge brings them back into rhythm. Non-rhythmicity carries the motivational force of an instinct that seems to say ” satisfy me and you will return to a state of satisfaction that is rhythmic “. People, as beings living in civilization, cannot satisfy their urges in naturally predetermined ways (instinctive actions-“programs” for satisfying instincts). A man who would “jump” on a woman like a dog would probably be accused of rape. Instinctive energy can be a driving force, but it must be arranged, made rhythmic and available to the Ego, which, in this case of sexual attraction, must find a way to approach the female person in question, seduce her and satisfy the need in a socially acceptable way. In order for this to be possible, it is necessary to neutralize the sexual instinct, to mentalize one’s condition, the condition of the desired person, their needs, motives, possible ways of reaction… it is necessary to think, design, solve the “problem”.

This text aims to briefly present the theoretical foundations of OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, briefly explain basic emotional competencies and indicate the methodological approach to the development of basic emotional competencies. In the chapter of neutralization and mentalization, we have described several techniques from different psychotherapy frameworks in order to show how the usefulness of some techniques for the development of some of the basic emotional competencies can be recognized. When presenting the following emotional competencies, we will not show a larger number of techniques because there are a large number of them and they are described in a separate manual for the development of basic emotional competencies and a manual for ALFA projective cards.

The object wholeness – the “glue” of the psyche

Object wholeness is a term introduced in psychoanalytic theory by Melanie Klein (Klein, 1940 ^[70]). To develop the wholeness of the object means to overcome the mechanism of splitting – a primitive defense mechanism by which the psyche separates the positive and negative aspects of the experience of the object – it splits them as if there were two different objects. By the term “object”, psychoanalysts mean a person, thing, situation… towards which the feelings of love or hatred are directed. According to Melanie Klein, every child in their earliest development goes through a “schizoid-paranoid position” in which splitting is the dominant defense mechanism and there is no experience of the object as a whole (Klein, M. 1948) ^[71]. The experience of the mother is split into a good mother (“good breast”) who is loved, and a bad mother (“bad breast”) who is hated. The merging of good and bad aspects of the object, the self, the world… leads, as the development of the child progresses, to what Melanie Klein calls the “depressive position”, to feelings of guilt caused by its own aggressive impulses towards the object that the child now perceives as whole. If the child’s experience is occupied by positive feelings towards the object, the child develops the need to “repair the object”, to repair the “damage” that it, in its aggressive fantasies, has caused to the beloved object.

If there is a dominance of negative experiences and feelings towards the object, the reparation process is unsuccessful, there is too much tension that the ego cannot control, which leads to a regressive return to the schizoid position, to the separation of good and bad objects. We believe that only this regressive return to the splitting mechanism can be considered a defense, and that the split world of good and bad objects at an earlier age is a natural stateof the immature ego. Defensive regressive behavior occurs due to the anxiety that arises when good and bad representations of objects are combined into a complete experience (the “realization” that we hate what we love, that we have fantasies of destroying the object on which we depend…). It is difficult to combine intensely conflicting feelings and representations into a whole. If there is no intense ambivalence, when positive experiences of the object predominate, the ego is able to bear the ambivalence and fight the depressive position through the process of reparation. Splitting ceases to be a necessary defense.

According to the function it performs, we call the object wholeness the “glue” of the psyche. It is the ability to maintain different aspects of experience (positive and negative) of a person, himself, reality, as a whole. When it does not function properly, people describe a person with a lack of object wholeness with everyday expressions such as: “he is not sane”, “he has lost his mind”, “he has fallen apart”… and experts use the term “personality fragmentation”. .

Object wholeness is what makes a person realistic, able to see others, themselves and the world as they are, without distorting their perception and experience to fit what the person imagines or wants to be real. The mechanism of splitting the experience of oneself, the others or the world, which is at work when the wholeness of the object is not developed, creates a great distortion in the experience of reality by dividing the good and bad aspects of the same object into separate worlds (“partial objects”). By splitting the object, the person is fragmented. The basic mental operation they use is categorization, classification. Classes and categories are sharply separated and mutually exclusive. People with strongly built wholeness of the object are able to remain “in one piece, glued, integrated” even under very high pressure. The predominance of positive emotions (what we call basic trust and optimism) survives, thanks to that glue, even under stress, under the pressure of negative emotions. When angry or scared, a person does not lose the experience of positive aspects of the other, ownself or reality, witch are there to save them from being overwhelmed by negative emotions.

Fairbairn (1952 ^[72]), based on Klein’s concept of internalized objects, saw the basis of later repression mechanisms in object relations, instead of in instincts as Freud believed. He says:

“The first defenses used by the still immature ego in mastering unsatisfactory relationships with others are mental internalizations or introjections of the object of dissatisfaction.” (p.134) The child’s ego is structured with defenses against unsatisfactory object relations. At the beginning, these defenses are based on the split of conflicting experiences, projection, introjection, negation… There is a “vertical split” of the self.

Kohut (1971^[73], 1977^[74]) explained the various manifestations of deficiencies in the cohesiveness of the self through the mechanisms of vertical and horizontal splitting of the personality. In the case of vertical splitting, self is split into two, that are separated from each other in experience (“double personality”). One is the “superman self” (usually developed from those experiences that the parent mirrored, what the parent liked about the child because it satisfied parents narcissistic needs) and the “miserable self” (developed from experiences of lack of mirroring and validation of the child’s real self, his needs, ambitions, talents, skills…). Such a person may successively display arrogance and a sense of superiority in some areas and situations, as well as helplessness and a sense of worthlessness in others. This successive splitting, ” temporal splitting ” leads to the split of representations of self or object in time, split personalities that seem to have an independent existence (“Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”).

In horizontal splitting, the mechanism of repression of grandiose needs and fantasies is at play, which leads to a lack of ambition, inertia, “false modesty”, feelings of emptiness, numbness and lack of initiative. The self is divided horizontally into conscious and unconscious aspects of the whole self.

Achieving and maintaining the wholeness of the experience of self and object is a key ability for ego development and personality integration. The term object has a broad meaning. Objects are not only significant figures in the child’s development, but everything in which emotional investments are made. We can have a complete or fragmented experience of our own self, other people, the work we do, our own life… For example, living in the past is a reflection of the lack of wholeness of the experience of our own life in time, living “from day to day”, only in the present, it also represents a lack of experience of one’s own life as a whole. Excessive emphasis on one aspect of the self, for example ambition in work, while neglecting others, for example the ability to love, health… are also a reflection of the fragmentation of the self. The ability to maintain the object wholeness is the “centripetal force” of personality, the force that maintains cohesion. Its lack leads to an intense fear of fragmentation, “falling apart”.

The object wholeness is the ability that makes us whole, persons in “one piece”, integrated. Also, what makes our experience of others and reality whole – integrated. This ability, however, is not something that develops at younger ages if the relationship with the object is good enough, but has its own lifelong development line. Klein described the earliest stages of the development of object wholeness and some manifestations of defects in this ability in adults. We believe that monitoring the developmental stages of this ability in later periods of life is worth further research.

One such study comes from an author whose frame of reference is Jane Loevinger’s theory of ego development. Beena Sharma and Susanne Cook-Greuter (2011 ^[75]) examine the relationship between personality maturation and how they master polarities, how they make sense of their experiences through opposites. Thinking in opposites is deeply pervasive and embedded in the way we make sense of our experiences. Whenever we extract something from the phenomenological continuum, we automatically create an object (A) and its opposite (not – A). Describing experiences in dualistic terms is inevitable in everyday speech. Integrating interdependent opposites is a core element of developing an integral perspective of reality. Much human suffering is caused by mental mechanisms that split experience into disjointed oppositions such as good-bad, light-dark, pleasure-pain and that has been known since ancient times. Inherent in our way of making sense, as we become more socialized members of human society, is the attribution of value to desirable and undesirable aspects of experience. Our tendency to have preferences, along with moral judgment, leads us to prefer one aspect of experience over its opposite. The Buddha said that it is our strong attachment to a certain aspect of reality, one of the opposites, that is the cause of suffering. We would like to eliminate opposites from our lives. To overcome weakness with will power, mortality by increasing lifespan extension, aging with various possibilities offered by science… Maturing brings the realization that “a glass of gall asks for a glass of honey… combined, they are easier to drink” (Njegoš, The Mountain Wreath).

We begin to realize that what we have separated by mutually exclusive choices are interdependent dimensions of our reality in which one concept can only be known through another. Few people learn to accept the unfiltered experience of reality beyond our constructs and symbolic representations.

Disorders associated with the underdevelopment of the the objectwholeness

Psychoanalytic literature abounds in papers and articles that deal with the consequences of failure to develop the ability for the object wholeness, the lack of ability to combine and synthesize images of good and bad objects and the self.

Salman Akhtar (Akhtar, 1994 ^[76]), by presenting brief clinical examples, describes six psychopathological syndromes in adulthood that are related to disorders of object wholenessand constancy:

1) closing of the optimal distance; 2) persistent splitting of self and object representations, accompanied by intensification of affects; 3) paranoia; 4) excessive optimism and expectation (‘one day…’ fantasy); 5) malignant erotic transference; 6) reduced capacity for grieving, intense nostalgia and ‘if only…’ fantasy…

In these syndromes, the consequences of the lack in one of two basic emotional competences, which are closely intertwined, the object wholeness and constancy, intertwine. At this point, we will briefly present those that mainly relate to problems caused by the defective development of the object wholeness.

Splitting, emotional overwhelm and violence

One of the consequences of the unsuccessful development of the object constancy is the persistent splitting of the self and object representations – the loss of the object wholeness. Splitting leads to repeated, intense and convincing self-esteem oscillations (Akhtar & Byrne, 1983 ^[77]); (Kernberg, 1976 ^[78]); (Mahler, 1971 ^[79]), which contributes to maintaining an uncertain sense of identity. Such “diffusion of identity” leads not only to observable contradictions in personality traits, but also to a temporary discontinuity in the experience of the self; “it is a life in pieces” (Pfieffer, 1974 ^[80]). The inner world remains inhabited by caricatured partial objects. A person perceives himself and others fragmented – as ideally good, or completely bad. Those fragmented representations of self and others are not put together, but act independently of each other. There is no capacity for understanding others in their entirety and ambivalence tolerance, and there is a tendency to react to real obstacles with negative changes in mood. In clients with an actively directed ego, such an overflow of aggressiveness that cannot be neutralized can lead to destructive and violent actions. Akhtar gives the following example that illustrates such extreme changes with little cause:

“Mr. G, a young man, otherwise a borderline case with increased sensitivity to rejection, came for face-to-face psychoanalytic therapy three times a week. I once informed him that there would soon be a break in our seeing schedule. He reacted with panicked silence, averted eyes and a significant drop in the tone of his voice. My empathic support and encouragement for him to put his feelings into words did not have much success. Later that evening (he told me, sobbing, in the next session) he saw a small frog in his yard that seemed lonely and sad to him. He picked it up, brought it into the house and made it a small home out of a box. Then he tried to cheer it up by talking to it and giving it bread crumbs. The frog soon jumped out of the box and disappeared. Mr. G. searched all over the house. He kept calling it and, after a while, in the absence of any response, he began to feel rejected and angry. These feelings turned into hatred. Then, suddenly, he saw a frog. He cursed it loudly as he chased it around the room, destroying some of the things in his path. Finally he caught it and in anger he hit it against the wall several times with all his strength. Later, his awareness that he had ‘committed murder’ stopped him. He released the seriously injured frog through the window. “

Akhatar comments : “The good frog/bad frog split, the shift from the caregiver self to the killer self, the lack of capacity for ambivalence tolerance and the raw aggressiveness overflowing the ego, are explicit in this acting-out, as well as in the transference feelings of rejection on my part (the bad frog) and the resulting feelings of loneliness and anger. Bloom states that, in such cases, due to the blurring of the boundaries between the self and the object, the object’s desire to be independent is experienced as a desperate and therefore an unforgettable betrayal.”

What actually happened to the “man with the frog”? He was obviously a very dependent person and was intolerable to be separated from the analyst for a period of time (he could not maintain a stable mental representation of the analyst and bear the separation by associating with him within himself). He experienced it as a betrayal and felt rejected. He projected his feelings, which he could not deal with, onto the “poor, little” frog, and felt the need to do to it what he wanted the analyst to do to him – to protect, comfort and take care of it… One could say that he had confused himself with the frog, that he had lost his sense of boundaries, that he and the frog were one being. However, the frog broke the rule “you must not be separated from me, feel differently, want differently…”. Thus, it became a “bad object” and lost the status of a “good object” that the client perceived as a part of himself. The splitting mechanism caused the client to experience the frog as a partial object, as something so bad that it deserved to be smashed against the wall (the client lost the object wholeness). When the storm passed and the tension subsided, the client “glued” himself again, that is, combined the positive and negative representations of the object – the frog, and then he felt a “moral dilemma”, a problem of ambivalence, love and hatred towards the same object, which caused guilt and depression. During his “ungluing”, an innocent frog (which didn’t even ask for any help) suffered. However, very similar situations happen to people precisely in their relationships with the people they are most attached to, because in those relationships there is the greatest “tension”, so the closest ones most often suffer.

Paranoid states and reactions and object wholeness

The splitting mechanism is characteristic of the mental state that Klein (1940) called the “schizoid-paranoid position.” In this position, the dominant feelings are paranoid – the object is perceived as haunting. That experience is the result of archaic childish hatred (the result of frustration) which was originally projected onto the first object, the mother. When there is “good enough mothering”, with a predominance of “good” over “bad” experiences, this position gradually weakens and the next development process called “depressive position” (Segal, 1964^[81]) occurs, in which the child perceives the mother as a whole (it does not use the mechanism of splitting into “good” and “bad” mother any more) and the need for reparation arises – the need for the child to alleviate negative feelings with his love (because of which it feels sad – depressed) and compensate for the imagined damage it has caused to the beloved object. However, although the original intensity of paranoid anxiety weakens, in the depressed position and after it, it is never completely outgrown.

It remains as a potential that can be activated under certain stressful conditions and later in life, and therefore it is possible for a person to experience reality through “paranoid-schizoid” glasses. (Capponi, 1979 ^[82]). Intimacy can cause these paranoid anxieties, especially if early developmental deficits have prevented the development of basic trust (which includes trust in the integrity of self-other boundaries). Without basic trust, it is difficult to lower the “defensive walls”.

Although idealization of the love object is a normal, integral part of intimate attachment, when used for defensive purposes, it is designed to protect the dyad from ambivalence. Relationships of that kind are very fragile because they cannot bear any disappointments. When some disappointment occurs, the idealized object is radically transformed into its opposite (the bad object) and intimacy turns into hatred. (Kenrberg, 1995 ^[83]). The exaggerated and unrealistic quality of idealization prevents the formation of an intimate relationship because intimacy requires a realistic perception of the other. Although elements of both love and hate exist in most human relationships, intimacy requires the integration of those feelings and the ability to tolerate ambivalence. (Kernberg, 1984b ^[84]). Another major defense mechanism in the paranoid-schizoid position, which prevents intimacy, is projective identification. This defense, which is closely related to splitting, consists in projecting unwanted parts of the self (mostly destructive) onto other people. The other person, in fact, is induced, led to behave in a way that is in accordance with those projections, and which leads to the feeling in the person who projected that they have to control the other because they perceive him as a threat. These primitive defenses lead to the impossibility of real contact, dialogue, reciprocity and authentic relationship with others. Intimacy is impossible under those conditions.

Other clinical manifestations of the lack of object wholeness, mentioned by Akhatar, will be discussed in the chapter on the object constancy in order to point out the close interdependence of these two emotional competencies. For the same reason, we will present the implications for psychotherapy and techniques related to the development of object wholeness after the chapter on object constancy.

Object constancy – “psyche stabilizer”

The object constancy is an ability that, according to the basic function it performs, we named the stabilizer of the psyche. When we say that a person has a developed object constancy, it actually means that their connection with the beloved object is stabilized and becomes an extended internal connection , independent of the satisfaction of needs. In simpler terms, we can love someone even when they don’t meet our needs and we can “have them in us”. We are not dependent on their physical presence. When the beloved object is some goal of ours: a job, a task we have set for ourselves, we have a clear awareness of what we want, regardless of whether we are rewarded at a certain moment for our activities, whether the achievement of the goal is far away. Object constancy is the ability that allows us to be stable, to have stable internal representations of ourselves, other people, reality…so that we are not hyped or lowered too much by external events, the satisfaction or non-satisfaction of our needs. This ability is the basis of our psychological – emotional stability and independence.

Such independence includes closeness and distance. People with well-developed object constancy are capable of great closeness and affection, but they also feel self-sufficient, secure, and free, so they have no desperate need for others. Object constancy gives us a clear sense of our own boundaries and the boundaries of the other person. We know where “one skin ends and another begins”. When they are separated, they can handle it perfectly well. They know how to have a great time alone. They have the ability to be alone. Their life is not spoiled by the fear of losing a loved object, the fear of loneliness, the worry of how they will cope if they lose their partner. That’s why they are not forced to control their partner, their children, parents…, they can “give them space”. In contrast, people with object constancy problems will consider a desperate need for someone to be a measure of true love. They usually verbalize this with statements such as: “I can’t live without you”, “I would die without you”…

Healthy couples, people who can live without each other, are more committed to each other – because it’s their choice, not a necessity. They don’t have lovers because they don’t want to, and one of the reasons is that they could, if they wanted to. The feeling of dependence is often a reason to commit infidelity, to prove to oneself independence. Dependence motivates a person to control their partner, and thus themselves, which increases the motivation to escape from the relationship or seek freedom elsewhere. However, dependent relationships are hard to let go of. Paradoxically, it is often easier to accept the loss of a relationship or experience that was very good than to recover from an unsatisfactory one. It’s like there’s a compulsion to keep coming back to that relationship to show it can work. It is, in fact, an attempt to restore the object’s broken constancy. If something was good, and it made us feel happy and fulfilled while thinking about it, it is easier for us to accept that we cannot have it forever, because we have already received so much good from it, and the memory of it sustains us. We could say that object constancy are actually strong, stabilized and integrated good memories. We keep that relationship, that person and memories of them, or as psychoanalysts call it – “mental representations” – firmly inside us. Those memories become part of our structure, a part of our personality through which we filter and process reality.

We can detach from a positive relationship because the memory of it is positive, so we don’t feel guilty that it didn’t work and we don’t feel compelled to fix it. This allows us to be able to grieve if in reality we lose that person or relationship. We cannot “let go” of bad relationships and grieve them. We constantly need to return to them (in reality or in ourselves). What we can’t let go, we can’t even grieve. The process of grieving heals people. The inability to grieve and be sad makes us constantly trapped in self-pity and a convulsive effort not to accept reality. Grief is the acceptance of loss. A person who is grieving does not retreat from the natural suffering that loss causes and does not care more about themselves than about the person they have lost. They allow the pain to affect them and change them. After legitimate grieving comes recovery. In contrast, a person with impaired object constancy feels self-pity and is unable to accept the loss. Instead of letting the experience change them, they want reality to be different than it is, they want to go back, as if the loss never happened.

Object constancy – concept and history

The term object constancy was introduced into the psychoanalytic literature by Hartmann (1952 ^[85]) when he said: “…it is a long way from an object that exists only as long as it satisfies needs to that form of satisfying object relation that includes object constancy”. With this term, he wanted to mark the stage in which the child’s deepening connection with the beloved object stabilizes and becomes an extended internal connection, independent of the satisfaction of needs.

Hartmann believed that the acquisition of this ability depends on the development of the “object constancy” that Piaget talked about (Piaget, 1937 ^[86]), i.e. from the cognitive stability of the mental representation of an object when it is physically absent and from a “certain level of neutralization” of aggressive and libidinal drives. The child is, therefore, at the earliest age, aware of the object (mother) while she satisfies its needs and while she is in its field of vision. Over time, and with the development of the cognitive apparatus, the mental representations of the object become more permanent. The ability to remember also develops. Between the child and the mother, a bond develops that is present inside, in the child, even when the mother is not physically present and when she does not meet its needs.

Most authors who wrote about object constancy placed the achievement of libidinal object constancy between the 6 and 18 months old. Those who placed achievement at that early age took as a criterion the child’s libidinal attachment to the object of love, while those who placed object constancy at a later age within this range added as a criterion some form of stable mental representation of the object, including Piaget’s (1937) criteria for the appearance of mental representations.

Anna Freud (1965 ^[87]) also, in describing the development from dependence to reliance on one’s own abilities, spoke of the “stage of object constancy which allows the positive internal image of the object to be maintained, regardless of satisfaction or dissatisfaction” . The clear implication that the ‘object’, which, in this context, is mainly the mother, becomes explicit in Spitz’s (1946 ^[88], 1965 ^[89]) concept of the ‘libidinal object’, i.e. developing a special stable bond between the child and the mother. However, it was only in Margaret Mahler’s work that the idea of the gradual adoption of object constancy in the context of the mother-child relationship found its prominent place. Margaret Mahler (Mahler. 1963 ^[90]) placed the appearance of object constancy in the later age of the child, considering that the child reaches a certain degree of object constancy only between 25 and 36 months of age, during the fourth subphase of the separation-individuation process. Her main criterion was the child’s ability to tolerate brief separations from the mother – an ability she believed resulted from the child’s achievement of a stable internal representation of the mother. The concept of the phase of separation – individuation in personality development refers to the development of object relations.

There are complex circular interactions, however, between progressive psychosexual development, ego maturation, and the process of separation – individuation, whose outcome is the differentiation of self and object representation and the beginning of reaching object constancy.

Separation and individuation involve two interdependent processes and complementary types of development. Separation refers to the intrapsychic process that leads to self-object differentiation and “objectification” (Hartman 1956). It is a process in which the mother begins to be perceived as separate from the self. Individuation is centered around the child’s developing self-concept, and emerges through the evaluation and expansion of the child’s autonomous ego functions. These processes lead to readiness for and satisfaction in independent functioning. The capacity to retain and use a stable mental representation of a libidinal object is the product of interdependent, reciprocal relationships between the maturation, modulation, and fusion of libidinal and aggressive drives; ego development, including perceptual apparatus and memory, as well as defensive and adaptive functions; as well as the real experience of gratification and frustration in the child’s life. It especially depends on the mother’s emotional availability and the quality of the mother-child interaction (McDevitt, JB 1975 ^[91]).

Initial acquisition of object constancy

Something that always loves us, that constantly satisfy all our needs, we do not perceive as such, but simply count them as part of our subjective ego; that which has always been hostile to us, we simply reject; but for what does not obey our desires unconditionally, what we love because it brings us pleasure and hate because it does not serve us in every way, we attach specific mental markers and traces in memory that carry with them the quality of objectivity (Ferenczi, 1926 a25 ) . This psychological regularity can also be seen in adult relationships. If we have a partner who pleases us in everything, who behaves in such a way that ” where we look, there they jump “, we stop seeing them as a person. We take them ” for granted “, we take for granted what they do. Children, in today’s “child-centric raising” system, often perceive their parents in that way, as if everything they get from their parents is taken for granted, as if they don’t notice what they get from always pleasing parents.

In order to develop the constancy of the object, it is necessary for the child, first, to develop the object wholeness – to unify the various aspects of the mother’s experience into one whole, to see her as a person who both satisfies and frustrates. Before the development of the object wholeness, the object does not exist as a complete being. It can be said that the object constancy is reached when the specific way of defense – splitting the representation of the object – is no longer easily accessible to the ego (Mahler and Furer 1968 ^[92]).

What enables the child’s ego to combine these conflicting experiences, to compose a picture of the object as a whole? The prevalence of love is what unites united representations (Settlage, 1991 ^[93]). On the basis of extensive observational studies that she carried out alone or in collaboration with colleagues, Mahler made a distinction between the psychological birth of a child, i.e. the beginning of the child’s coherent sense of self-awareness and its biological birth. She emphasized that two conditions must be met for the organization of the ego and the neutralization of drives in order to achieve such a sense of self-awareness: 1) extrasensory – intrasensory stimuli must not be continuous (constant) or so strong as to prevent the formation of a structure and 2) the mother must be able to moderate and organize internal and external stimuli for the child. Therefore, in order to develop the object wholeness and constancy, the child needs to grow up in an environment that does not stimulate it continuously, either positively or negatively, and that does not cause too strong emotions that overwhelm the weak ego of the child. The mother must be able to calm the child, to make these external and internal stimuli milder, in order to allow the child’s ego to master them gradually.

She also postulated the order of symbiosis and separation-individuation, the stages through which the child must pass in order to reach a sufficiently stable experience of itself and others.

While the ‘basic core’ (Weil, 1970 ^[94]) of the child in the symbiotic phase awakens in a state of interweaving with the mother’s self, only in the differentiation subphase , approximately from 4-5 to 8-9 months old, which represents the first subphase of separation-individuation , the child is pushed inwardly by its striving for autonomy, it begins to recognize its psychological separation through a rudimentary exploration of the self, the mother and their environment. This is a period with a lot of manual, tactile and visual exploration of the mother’s face and body. There may be engagement in games of ‘hide and seek’ in which the child continues to play a passive role (Kleeman, 1967 ^[95]). Along with the distancing from the mother comes a greater awareness of her as a separate person.

This is followed by a subphase of practice (from 9 to 16-18 months old) in which the child, who crawls and later walks with a waddle, enthusiastically demonstrates its newly discovered psychological autonomy and motor freedom. Encouraged by a pervasive secondary narcissism and relatively impervious to external challenges, the child seems set out to conquer the world. Delight is perhaps also a celebration of escape from the mother’s shelter. Although the child often looks to the mother for “emotional replenishment”, its main concern is to practice the tools of its ego and expand the circle of exploration .

Then, between the 16 and 24 months old; the re-approaching subphase follows , in which the child feels that its autonomy and psychomotor freedom have their limits and that the external world is more complex than it previously imagined. A child who has suffered a narcissistic injury, realizing that it is not as powerful and capable as it seemed to be in the previous stage, regresses in the hope of finding a symbiotic union with his mother again.

However, the return causes ambivalence, given that the drive for individuation has already taken hold, and that the child has encountered the ego satisfaction that autonomous functioning brings. This ambivalence also has its behavioral manifestation, i.e. the tendency to do contradictory things (Mahler, 1974). Thus, at one moment the child leans in and clings to the mother seeking security, even fusion, and at the next it bravely distances itself in order to assert autonomy, control and separation. If the mother responds adaptively to this indecision of the child, and if positive emotions overcome hostility, new regulatory structures will begin to emerge (McDevitt, 1975).

In addition to being turbulent, the rapprochement subphase is also the most significant, as its successful mastery results in profound intrapsychic changes including:

1) mastering cognitively intensified separation anxiety . The development of the child’s cognitive abilities leads it to understand that the world is more complex than it previously thought in the practice stage.

2) affirmation of the basic trust feeling. If the mother understands the child at this stage, and allows it both re-approach and autonomy, despite its capriciousness, the child reaffirms a sense of basic trust, which encourages it to further separation;

3) gradual lowering and abandonment of the omnipotence feeling, experienced in the symbiotic union with the mother;

4) gradual compensation for the diminished sense of omnipotence through the development of the child’s growing ego capacities and sense of autonomy ; In order to abandon the unrealistic feeling of omnipotence, it is necessary that disappointments in one’s omnipotence and omnipotence object be gradual and optimal, as well as that something new is obtained instead – the development of autonomy and the mastery of skills;

5) strengthening of the core experience of the self;

6) establishing a sense of capacity for ego control and modulation of strong libidinal and aggressive urges and affects;

7) remediation of the developmentally normal tendency to maintain a connection with a beloved object through its splitting into a ‘good’ and ‘bad’ object, and thus remediation of the corresponding intrapsychic split;

8) the replacement of splitting as a defense mechanism by repression, as a later mechanism for restraining unacceptable affects and impulses towards the object (Settlage, 1977 ^[96]).

The last subphase of separation – individuation, between 24 and 36 months old, ends with the achievement of object constancy and, consequently, self constancy. This subphase is characterized by the appearance of a more realistic and less variable experience of the self . It is also characterized by the consolidation of a deeper, somewhat ambivalent but more sustainable internalized object-representation of the mother, a libidinal attachment that is not seriously threatened by temporary frustrations. The existence of object constancy ensures the mother’s long-term presence in the child’s mental structure. The development of self-constancy establishes a coherent, self-contained self-representation, with minimal fluctuations under drive pressure. Together, these two functions result in the removal of aggression towards the self and the object through repression, not splitting. The capacity for ambivalence tolerance now appears on the psychic horizon.

The child becomes capable of more complex relations with the object (Kramer & Akhtar, 1988 ^[97]). The inner presence of a ‘good enough mother’ (Winnicott, 1962 ^[98]) reduces the need for her physical presence. Clinging to and separating from her enables maintaining an ‘optimal distance’ (Bouvet, 1958 ^[99]); (Mahler, 1974 ^[100]). ‘Psychic positioning that allows intimacy without loss of autonomy and separation without painful loneliness ‘ (Akhtar, 1992 ^[101]). Parallel to this is the development of “constancy of reality” (Frosch, 1966), which enables the autonomous ego functions “to tolerate changes in the environment without psychic disturbance or maladjustment.”

Achieving the constancy of self and object is not a once-and-for-all step, but an ongoing process. Mahler (1968, 1971, 1974) emphasized that although her descriptions focus on the separation-individuation stage, this process continues to develop and stabilize throughout further development, even into adulthood.

The later course of development of object constancy

Both developmental achievements – the consolidation of individuality and the emotional constancy of the object – are easily challenged by the struggle with parents over toilet training and the recognition of anatomical sexual differences that are a blow to the narcissism of the girl and a danger to the bodily integrity of the boy (Mahler et al., 1975). Self and object representations do not achieve stability and firm boundaries until the end of adolescence, when they become resistant to the changeability of cathexis (Bloss, 1967 ^[102]). The stability of the attachment to the object, as well as the stability of ideas about oneself and reality, is therefore only reached at the end of the period of adolescence.

Since the subphase leading to object constancy overlaps with the beginning of the phallus-oedipal phase of psychosexual development (Mahler et al., 1975); (Parens, 1980 ^[103], 1991 ^[104]), issues characteristic of that period also play a role later. The main themes are the replacement of splitting with repression, the emergence of the capacity for ambivalence and the establishment of an optimal distance.

In order for the child to satisfactorily pass through the trials of the oedipal phase, it is necessary to sufficiently develop the object wholeness and constancy, to develop the ability to endure ambivalence. Oedipal experience requires a unified self, with a capacity for intentionality and objects that are experienced as different from ourselves and toward which a tolerance of ambivalence is possible. However, these demands put the newly adopted object and self constancy to the test. Indeed, there is a reciprocal developmental influence (Parens, 1980) between separation-individuation difficulties and Oedipal stage conflicts. The newly repaired split between the “good” and “bad” representations of the mother, fueled by libidinal and aggressive, is a particularly vulnerable area that could be reactivated as the child confronts the contradictory image of the mother in the Oedipal phase. Earlier fears of losing a good mother might also resurface in the face of intense castration fear. The Oedipal phase is conflictual, it arouses strong conflicting feelings in the child, and this tension puts the “newly born” abilities of object wholeness and constancy under great temptation. If the feelings towards the mother (or father) in the oedipal phase are more ambivalent, will the “glue” of the object wholeness manage to integrate them and keep the whole experience of the object, or will there be a splitting and separation of the experience of “good” and “bad” object? Whether there will be an idealization or satanization of one parent, the retention in the conscious experience of only one of his qualities, negating the other, depends on the firmness of the object wholeness and the stability of the connection – the object constancy. Earlier developmental delays in acquiring these abilities largely determine the child’s ability to cope with the oedipal situation.

Latency (the period after the oedipal conflict, when instinctual tensions are silenced) develops through the internalization of parental prohibitions in the form of the superego and is characterized by better cognitive and motor skills. Object constancy is more or less safe here. Separation anxiety still exists, although it is of tolerable intensity and fused with subconscious oedipal drives. Many children’s games in the latency phase reveal this in displaced, ego-syntonic forms (Glenn, 1991 ^[105]).

However, adolescence is a period during which themes related to the self and the object constancy resurface in full force. This developmental phase, with its characteristic surge of urges, feeds the regression.

Adolescents of both sexes seek to escape the oedipal conflict, seeking refuge in struggles with their parents over issues of control, autonomy, and distancing. At the same time, they seek freedom and regressively behave as dependent on their parents. Adolescents are in conflict between the desire for independence and the need to depend on their parents. Regressive tendencies intensify the original self and object relations. Progressive directions, defensive and autonomous, bring a new configuration of the self and resolution of infantile object relations. On the one hand, renunciation of earlier forms of object relations opens the way to a new relationships more suitable for adolescent years; while, at the same time, regression allows a return to abandoned ego states, including those containing intense idealizations and devaluations of parents. This is why an adolescent behaves sometimes like a two-year-old, sometimes like an adult. It shows an unwavering effort to break free from earlier parental norms internalized in the form of the superego while, at the same time, relying equally strongly on peer values. Trial identifications and role experimentation in later contexts gradually expand the autonomy of the ego, helping to establish a solid and mature representation of the self. Adolescents play “trial roles”, they often behave differently in different groups, they search for themselves, until they stabilize their self-image.

The same happens in the area of object representations. In the process of liberation from the primary objects of love and hate, there is often an intense regression to the splitting of the relationship with the objects (Bloss, 1967); (Kramer, 1980 ^[106]). As they separate from their parents, under the tension caused by the separation process, the “glue”, that is, the object wholeness, often loosens and the adolescent ceases to experience the parents as a whole. They use a splitting mechanism, and perceive them (parents) as ideally good or extremely bad. They do not see the “gray mix”, living people with virtues and flaws. In the vocabulary of psychoanalysis, the decatex of the parental object-representation is accompanied by increased narcissism before the libidinal investment in non-incestuous objects, characteristic for that phase, becomes possible. Only after that phase of increased narcissism, the adolescent gradually turns their emotions (libidinous energy) towards other “non-incestuous” objects – towards their peers. Once the progressive direction becomes dominant, the capacity for connection with the object deepens in the most significant way. “Indeed, what remains as the final task of adolescence is the consolidation of post-ambivalent bonds with the object” (Bloss, 1967). The adolescent becomes determined, knows what they want, is not caught in the conflict of ambivalence, between the need for closeness and the fear of being caught, swallowed up in a relationship, of losing themselves. Of course, this happens if the conflicts of the oedipal phase are properly resolved and if the adolescent managed to maintain both the “glue” (wholeness) and the “stabilizer” (constancy) of the object, coming out of the crisis that adolescence brings with it.

Later life tasks (eg, separation from home and parents, marriage, career choice, often requiring short-term renewal of ambivalent bonds with a mentor) also revive the instability of the rapprochement subphase (Escoll, 1992) ^[107]. Thus, the constancy of self and object are tested in early adulthood, although to a lesser extent than in adolescence.

The object constancy may also be shaken later, through the challenge of raising children. When they are hit by the turbulence of the child’s approach subphase, parents, and mothers in particular, have to adjust their own reciprocal tendencies and contradictory object-representations that the child has. Let’s recall, the re-approaching phase is a sub-phase of separation and individuation that M. Mahler talks about, and it follows after the practice sub-phase, in which the child is unrealistic and “full of itself”. In the re-approach subphase, it became afraid of the world and became more aware of its limitations. Then it needs to get close to its mother again, but only until it “recharges its batteries”, until it is encouraged again, and then pushes its mother away. In that subphase, the child is very moody, clingy, and repulsive at the same time, which can upset the mother, especially if her own mother reacted inadequately in the re-approachment subphase. If the child is moody, the mother must remain stable (maintain the object constancy) Here, the mother’s object constancy is in the service of containing (Bion, 1967) the ^[108]child’s contradictory affects, scattered self-representations and unstable connections with the object. This, in fact, means that while the child is scattered and contradictory, the mother should understand and contain it. If it, at times, lose the connection with her, the mother should not lose the connection with the child. If the child is not able to process or, as Bion says, digest its mental contents (needs, thoughts, emotions…), the mother is able to do it for him, to understand “what’s wrong with it”, and to return those contents processed to it. Bringing those mental functions of the mother into itself through identification, the child slowly learns to do it on its own – to “digest” and process own emotions, needs and thoughts.

Later, the capacity to tolerate the child’s sexual intrusiveness, competitiveness and hostility during the oedipal phase, test the parent’s capacity to maintain an optimal distance. The child’s diminished need for parents during the latency period and the intense, often manic oscillations in behavior, affective responding, and distancing during adolescence similarly require the constancy of the object in the parent for everything to go well.

Furthermore, the middle age initiates the final farewell to silent and unmanifested self-representations. (the person realizes that there is no more time to become all that they could have been, that they have imagined as possibilities…) This is followed by an expansion of the core self-representations and a compensatory deepening of what one has really became. The object constancy is also reworked, as aggressiveness and envy of youth, including one’s own offspring, can now no longer be denied, and identifications with parents, with all implicit Oedipal ambivalence, are finally supported (Kernberg, 1980).

Finally, during old age, as a person approaches the end, a deep post-ambivalent view of the world must be developed (the world, life – are objects towards which one has a constant, positive attitude) in which the person lived and which they will soon leave, in order for this last crossing to be easier. A post-ambivalent view of the world actually means accepting life as it is, an attitude towards life dominated by positive feelings. The feeling that the person’s life had meaning, that it was worth living (even though it was not ideal), that the person really lived it. The feeling of unlived life increases the fear of death.

Syndromes associated with object constancy deficit

Now, when we have defined the concepts of object wholeness and constancy, sketched its importance in development and followed the changes through development, we can refer to the psychopathology of adults that is related to disorders of these abilities. Salman Akhtar (Akhtar, 1994), relying on brief clinical reports, describes six psychopathological syndromes in adulthood that are related to problems with object constancy:

1) reduction of the optimal distance; 2) persistent splitting of self and object representations, accompanied by intensification of affects; 3) paranoia; 4) excessive optimism and expectation (‘one day…’ fantasy); 5) malignant erotic transference; 6) reduced capacity for grieving, intense nostalgia and ‘if only’ fantasy… We will present them in a concise form.

Optimal distance disorder

In a healthy relationship between people, there needs to be an optimal distance. The ability to maintain an optimal distance is based on a paradox. Take, for example, a love relationship. On the one hand, lovers, in order to be close and together, have to tolerate a relative loss of autonomy and self-sufficiency (to fit in, find compromises in different needs…). On the other hand, they have to accept the other’s independence, diversity, different understandings, habits and needs, as well as the fact that they grew up in different conditions, had different parents, styles of growing up, living… The capacity for optimal distance means the ability to be quite close with someone, and yet to be independent…as well as allowing the same for your partner. Being dependent and independent at the same time. To feel clear boundaries between oneself and another. Respecting one’s own and other people’s boundaries (Jovanović, N. 2013).

Akhtar (Akhtar, S. 1994) talks about the fact that the inability to develop object constancy leads to a long-term tendency towards excessive reliance on external objects for self-regulation. Aggression towards them triggers fears of their internal destruction, and this, in turn, activates the need to carefully monitor them in reality. Libidinal attachment and anaclitic desires (desires to merge), in contrast, arouse fears of capture by objects outside, and therefore cause a need to withdraw from them. All this results in profound difficulties in maintaining optimal distance.

If a person failed to establish a permanent inner connection with their primary objects, in later relationships they will tend to over-rely on others, to hang on, glue, control the people they attach themselves to. On the other hand, due to the excessive need to merge with the other, they will be afraid of getting attached and losing themselves in the relationship.

Serious personality disorders are the most important example of this type of psychopathology. In the said article, narcissistic, schizoid, borderline, paranoid, hypomanic, infantile, ‘as if’, and antisocial personality types are mentioned. For them, mixing with others triggers a characteristic ‘need-fear dilemma’ (Burngham et al., 1969 ^[109]): intimacy poses the risk of being swallowed up by others, of losing own individuality altogether, or of feeling terribly dependent, vulnerable and rejected, while separation means a sentence of loneliness that is unbearable.

This leads to various compromises, specific strategies in attempts to resolve the “impossible situation”. What are the strategies that people with object constancy problems try to solve the “need-fear” dilemma?

The borderline personality continues to move back and forth, constantly on the “seesaw” between getting closer and running away, symbiosis and separation. The relationships they build are chaotic, unstable, with great oscillations between love and hate (a reflection of the object’s wholeness deficit), with periods of idyll and periods of intolerance. They strive for a complete merging that terrifies them, and then they turn to the opposite.

The personality of a narcissistic organization may remain loyal longer and show such oscillations less often. However, the strategy of a person with narcissistic disorder is to build double rules for themselves and others. They do not want to give up their complete autonomy in the relationship, but neither do they want to accept the same right for their partner, to accept the separate mental life of others.

A paranoid personality cringes at any change in distance initiated by others. When they feel the closeness and need for another, the paranoid personality starts with paranoid fears in relation to the object of love, which keep them at a distance from person they towards whom they feel it. However, at the same time, instead of a real emotional connection, they maintain a fantasy of a special, magical connection with the object. (they have the same thoughts, they are constantly “in each other’s head”…). A paranoid personality cannot stand indifference, but a contact neither. Building a “special relationship” is their substitute for real contact. However, that special connection is something like an “online” connection, something that is also threatening. When negative emotions are triggered in the relationship, such a connection is perceived as dangerous, because the partner can “get into their head and control them.”

The schizoid personality opts for apparent withdrawal, while maintaining an intense imagined connection with their objects. Instead of relationships with real people, the schizoid person solves the need-fear dilemma by withdrawing from real relationships and living through relationships that only happen in “their head.”

Antisocial and hypomanic personalities , although they do not commit, very quickly develop a superficial closeness with others. The tendency to be extremely adapted to others, and even to magically identify with them, is best seen in the example of the ‘as if’ personality and is the foundation of the deceptive tendencies of all persons with serious character pathologies .

A detailed overview of the manifestation of the problem with object constancy in love and work is given in the book The Ability to Love and Work – OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy (Jovanović, 2013).

Frustration tolerance – immunity of the psyche

Term history 

The word frustration, which is widely used today, refers to the state of a person who denies themselves, or others deny them, the satisfaction of a need. Beginning with the article “Heredity and Etiology of Neuroses (1896 ^[110]), Freud identified sexual frustration as the basis of anxiety neuroses. In the article “Types of beginnings of neuroses” (1912 ^[111]), he uses the word frustration (Versagung) to mark external and internal factors that cause neurosis.

According to Melanie Klein (1975 ^[112]), frustration initiates the principle of reality and modulates psychological functioning. She emphasizes the other side of the coin, the positive influence of frustration on the formation of the psychic apparatus. Neurotic children do not tolerate reality well because they cannot bear frustration , says Klein, they protect themselves from reality by denying it. What is fundamental and decisive for their future adaptability to reality is their greater or lesser capacity to tolerate those frustrations arising from the oedipal situation .

Kohut’s concept of optimal frustration (1971 ^[113]) separates frustrations that lead to traumatic experiences from those that have a positive effect on the development of adaptive ego mechanisms.

We have a frustration tolerance in the OLI Method. We called it the immunity of the psyche because this ability is the basis of our resistance to the frustrations that life brings with it. Like physical immunity, frustration tolerance is developed by being exposed to weaker stimuli – optimal frustrations (Kohut, 1971).

According to Freud’s classic theory (Freud, 1933 ^[114]), at the beginning of psychological functioning, the pattern of functioning that is at work serves the direct satisfaction of desire (principle of satisfaction). Desire can be defined as an entity that from the beginning has exclusively its biological roots – in other words, desire is produced either by a somatic deficiency (lack of something), or an excess, whereby, in the case of the former, the organism is moved to action, in order to achieve compensation for deficiency, or, in the second case, towards relief. At the same time, it is important to note that the process of restoring what is missing, as well as relieving excess, is accompanied by an experience of satisfaction. Immediate, direct satisfaction of desire is not always possible, so the individual must develop another adaptive principle – the principle of reality. Frustration, therefore, is at the root of the reality principle development.

In the psychological sense, the ontogenetic development of man is not possible without frustration; at the same time, the level of frustration must be appropriate to the specific developmental stage and children’s capacities, which can differ individually according to the constitutional features themselves.

By developing frustration tolerance, the ability to delay gratification and endure dissatisfaction, a trait known to us as patience is developed – the ability to endure, the patience that comes with delaying the satisfaction of a need.

Basically, we can say that underdeveloped frustration tolerance has its roots in two types of sources :

1. Trauma (traumatic failure to satisfy certain developmentally essential needs) and

2. Fixation (excessive gratification, lack of optimal frustration, eroticization)

When the ability to tolerate a certain type of frustration is not developed, people use several types of defense mechanisms that can be classified into certain groups: mechanisms that manipulate desire, mechanisms to avoid situations of frustration, and mechanisms to manipulate others in order to avoid frustration (Jovanović, 2013).

One of the most primitive defense mechanisms that can be employed in a situation where there is an extremely strong desire, and the delay or obstacle to the desire acts to cause unbearable tension, could be simply denying the existence of the desire .

One of the mechanisms, which is closely related to the previous mechanism, is the devaluation of desire (“I don’t really care that much about it”), in order to avoid anxiety due to the inability of a person to cope with their frustration. In this way, reducing the intensity of a certain desire, as well as its non-fulfillment creates less intense frustration, so that a person does not perceive it as impossible to tolerate.

The next defense mechanism by which a person tries to cope with a desire whose frustration is perceived as a frustration that can only be tolerated at a huge cost, is the displacement or projection of this desire onto other people. In order for this psychological defensive maneuver to be successful, with another person who has the ability and is ready for actions that also carry the risk of failure (frustration of desire), the person applying the displacement establishes a certain type of relationship that Kohut (1971, 1972) calls twin transference. A person identifies with the other as if the other were themselves – a twin, and through the other they tried to fulfill their own desire, without the risk of frustration that the failure to fulfill the desire would bring if they tried to satisfy it themselves.

In the defense by negation, we saw that the desire is not allowed to exist , while in the process of devaluing and diminishing, it is accepted, but the transformation takes place in terms of its quantity and psychological importance for the functioning of the personality. In the process of projection, the original qualitative-quantitative charge of desire is allowed , but its possession is transferred to another object .

In reaction formation , a desire whose existence causes the feeling that its potential frustration cannot be endured, does not change its intensity or is projected onto another. What is transformed is its direction and valence. In other words , the original desire is replaced by its opposite .

The presented mechanisms of defense against frustration that cannot be tolerated are aimed at some form of manipulation of desire, its negation, reduction, projection onto another, turning to the opposite…However, lack of frustration tolerance of a need can also manifest itself as an inability to refrain from immediate satisfaction of the need, as a breakthrough impulse. That person will impulsively do everything they can to satisfy a need whose frustration they cannot tolerate, regardless of the harm they cause to themselves or others by such means of satisfaction. Such manifestations of frustration intolerance are common in impulsive persons, various addictions, antisocial personality disorders, borderline personality disorders… The ego does not have the ability to harmonize the satisfaction of needs with the demands of reality, self-protection and demands of conscience. Unable to tolerate the frustration of certain needs, a person develops mechanisms of avoiding all situations in which they could experience frustration or mechanisms of manipulation of others to force them not to frustrate the person.

When we talk about a person’s physical immunity, we can distinguish between general immunity and specific immunity , the resistance of the immune system to defend against specific pathogens. The same can be said about frustration tolerance. People can be particularly sensitive to certain types of frustration (“That one strikes me the hardest…”). We can connect the lack of frustration tolerance to certain types of needs with developmental stages in which there could have been traumatic frustration to which no immunity had been developed.

Frustration tolerance and stages of psychosexual development

Freud (1905) divided the psychosexual development into six developmental stages:

1. Oral – from birth to 1-1½ years old
2. Anal – from 1½ to 3 years old
3. Phallic/urethral/narcissistic – from 3rd to 4 years old
4. Genital/Oedipal – from 3rd to 5-6 years old
5. Latency – from 5-6 to 11 or 13 years old
6. Later genital or adolescent phase – from puberty to young adulthood

Six processes are associated with each stage of development:

1. Significant erogenous zone,
2. Dynamics and characteristics of the child’s behavior in the phase,
3. A specific defense mechanism associated with the phase,
4. The type of anxiety associated with the phase,
5. Central theme or developmental tasks around which the phase is organized,
6. Character traits that are associated with the successful resolution of the phase.

In this chapter, we are interested in what are the specific frustrations in each of these stages of development and how frustration tolerance of the dominant needs of a certain stage develops, as well as what happens when the child fails to develop tolerance to these specific frustrations, how it is reflected in its character and later functioning as an adult.

In the oral stage of development (first 18 months), the part of the body where pleasures are focused (erogenous zone) in a newborn is the mouth. Sucking is the infant’s primary source of pleasure. In addition to sucking, the key needs (and pleasures) of the oral stage are the need for skin sensations (warmth of the mother’s body, caressing), eye contact, facial responses (smile, look of love), soothing voice (humming, lullabies…). The basic psychological need is the need for security, empathic response, constant presence and response to the child’s needs. The baby is completely dependent and cannot do anything for itself. Oral needs are, in general, needs for receiving, constant presence and dependence on another.

When an adult cannot bear the frustration of oral needs, the absence of a love object, what we have is a pathology. A person cannot bear the frustration of the need to receive, feed, psychological feeding. They will look for some adult breast: alcohol, pills, drugs, cigarettes, or they will recharge through some other form of addiction: food (overeating), other oral stimulation (excessive talking), other people, situations in which they feel recharged (receptive behavior – through listening, reading books, watching TV), hunger for physical contact, addiction to the feeling of being tucked in, being the center of someone’s attention, the center of the world… being taken care of.

The anal stage of development (approximately from 18 months to 3.5 years old) brings with it new frustrations that the child must learn to tolerate (Freud, 1908 ^[115]). The main zone of pleasure is the anus – activities of retention and relief (emptying). Until this period, the child performed these activities instinctively, without any control. It could enjoy the warmth of his excreta, get dirty to its heart’s content, smear, relieve itself. Until then, it could also satisfy its other needs undisturbed (because the control of impulses and behavior is not yet expected from the baby). And then the limitations begin. The basic psychological theme of that period is control – obedience. The child should become a civilized creature. To learn to control its instincts and to adapt to the demands of the environment. The most important task of adaptation in that period is getting used to cleanliness, toilet training. It also learns to eat at the table, to use cutlery, not to react with anger whenever something is not given to it, not to bite , to spit, get dirty, put things in its mouth, take things without asking… There are various restrictions. It just can’t do as it pleases. The environment begins to demand, punish and reward… and the child comes into conflict with it.

Inadequate development of frustration tolerance in this stage is later most often manifested through the fact that the person cannot bear to give, if they do not immediately receive an adequate reward in return, that they feel used, anxious that someone will rob them of their valuable contents (money, emotions, ideas…), as well as through the fact that they cannot bear to receive, because they feel that it obliges them. The basic fears of people with an anally retentive character are the fear of losing control, shame (if something goes wrong, if they blow it), the fear of being used, of being forced to do something for someone else.

In the phallic stage (phallic/urethral-narcissistic from 3-4 years old and genital/oedipal up to 5-6 years old) the basic erogenous zone, the zone on which the child’s gratifications are focused, is the penis (in girls, the clitoris). Actually, according to Freud (1905 ), both boys and girls wonder why there are differences in the anatomy of the genitals, (why girls don’t have a penis…did someone cut off that part of their body… ). Children, during this period, become especially interested in playing with their genitals. The most important psychological theme of that period is sexual identification and questions of morality related to sexual needs (shame, guilt for bad desires…). The child learns what it means to be a boy or a girl. Sexual feelings towards the parent of the opposite sex develop (it is what Freud called the Oedipus/Electra complex/Jung) but, since these feelings are socially unacceptable, the child enters into a conflict between its desires and the norms of the environment. It feels rivalry and a certain hostility towards the parent of the same sex. Boys experience castration fear (fear that the father will punishe them by castration due to illicit desires towards the mother), and girls envy their penis. The conflict is resolved by identifying with a parent of the same sex and directing sexuality towards peers (Freud, 1924 ^[116]).

The lack of frustration tolerance of oedipal needs refers to the intolerance of rivalry, competition, defeat, the inability to assume a leadership role without unconscious phobic reactions from the role itself (“I envy the stronger, and I would take away their strength if I could, and if I were superior, all would envy me as well and want to destroy or embarrass me…”). Jealousy, possessiveness, constant fear of the third party, the need for security against the possibility of the partner finding someone else are exaggerated…

One of the most common defenses against the frustrations of the phallus phase, from the feelings of inferiority and fear that these frustrations cause, is the so-called phallic organization of the personality (Ikonen, 1998 ^[117]). Phallic organization is a defense based on an attempt to compensate for inferiority by building a false superiority.

Speaking of developmental stages, according to Freud’s model of drive development, we did not cover one large and important area of the personality and the frustrations that occur in that sector – the narcissistic sector of the personality.

Frustration tolerance of narcissistic (self-object) needs

It is not only the dissatisfaction of instinctual needs that can cause frustration. We are all familiar with the experience that sometimes we can be more “triggered” by a blow to our self-image, than the lack of opportunity to satisfy our urges. Or, on the other hand, by a violation of the image of someone or something that we idealize, perceive as an ideal, and feel that we are a part of it. Our objects, the people who raise us and to whom we bond when we are young, do not only satisfy our urges. They help us build a positive self-image, self-esteem, self-confidence, trust…

It is also important for us to develop a positive image of them, to feel surrounded by strong, capable, good, soothing, accepting people, that we are a part of them and, therefore, that we are similar to them. Such experiences form the core of the narcissistic sector of the personality, two structures that Kohut (1972 ^[118]) called the “idealized parent image” and the “grandiose self.” The child has a natural need to see its first objects as ideal (idealized parental image: “My dad is the strongest… my mom is the best… they can do everything…”) and that, by primary identification with them, it also sees itself as the center of the world, a magnificent being (grandiose self). Those two psychological structures, although they are composed of idealizations and grandiosity at their developmental beginnings, are the basis for the further development of the narcissistic sector towards mature ideals and self-esteem. If narcissistic needs are satisfied, there is cohesion in the narcissistic sector of the personality and gradual maturation, reduction of idealization and grandiosity. The functions of maintaining the sense of self-worth, that were performed by self-objects (parents, caregivers), become internalized functions, the person themselves maintain the sense of self-worth and the value of others, has developed ideals, ambitions and mature self-esteem.

Frustrations of narcissistic needs that are too strong can lead to a lack of cohesiveness in the experience of self and significant other, and to the activation of defense mechanisms that the child’s psyche employs to make the experience of frustration bearable. Defense mechanisms against the frustrations of narcissistic injuries are generally based on some falsification of reality. If one cannot bear the frustration, they can deny the desire (the desire to feel valuable, ambitions, ideals), devalue it, project it into another… (the mechanisms are the same as in defenses related to the frustrations of instinctual needs), turn it into the opposite, or desperately try to satisfy the desire in an infantile way with various forms of manipulation of others (“I will not give up the need for idealization and grandiosity. I have to get it, even if I falsify reality and abuse others…”). Dissatisfaction of basic narcissistic needs leads to feelings of worthlessness and disappointment in objects. Such feelings cannot be tolerated and defensive attempts to restore the narcissistic balance occur through the maintenance of an unrealistically grandiose self-image and through uncritical idealization. Those attempts to restore damaged narcissism are the basis of narcissistic pathology (Kohut, 1971). What was a normal stage in the development of a child’s healthy narcissism becomes a pathology in an adult. Narcissistic vulnerability, intolerance to the frustration of narcissistic needs, leads to the creation of “expensive” defenses (the price is unreality, “conceit”, ” superiority complex” as a defense against “inferiority complex”, strong envy… or denial and repression of narcissistic needs, ambitions, ideals, shyness, “false modesty”, absence of ambitions and ideals). As we did with the stages of psychosexual development related to the frustrations of instinctual needs, we will also show the basic narcissistic needs, the stages of their development, frustrations and typical defensive reactions to frustrations. We will show in table 1 which are the basic self-object needs that can be frustrated (Wolf, E. 1980 ^[119]).

Elementary self-object needs

1. The need for reflection by self-objects	The need for a person to feel recognized, acknowledged, as well as for the self-object to react to their existence and the actions they undertake
2. The need for an idealized self-object	The need for a person to feel that they are a part of an acknowledged and respected self-object; the need to have the possibility of being accepted and merged with a stable, powerful, protective, wise other, who possesses those qualities that the person perceives as lacking.
3. The need to merge with the self-object	A primitive form of the need for mirroring, where the self asserts itself only if it is in fantasized complete symbiosis with the self-object
4. Alter-ego self-object needs:	The need to experience essential identification with the self-object; the basis for forming and maintaining relationships with peers, co-workers, and togetherness in a general sense
5. The need for positive rivalry	The need for the self-object to be a friendly rival, that is, a rival which even supports opposition.
6. The need for efficiency -influence on the self-object	The need to experience that one can influence others through initiative, in order to provide narcissistic satisfaction; “I can influence another, therefore, I am somebody”
7. The need for vitalizing self-object experiences	The need to experience that the significant other is “attuned” to the person’s deepest affects, i.e. to respond to changes in the rhythm and intensity of the person’s emotions.

 

Implications for work technique

A number of psychotherapy schools have provided techniques that can help in developing frustration tolerance.

The very concept of undertaking psychoanalytic treatment carries with it the induction of frustration : Psychoanalysis does not offer easy and quick solutions, and the client learns to accept the frustration of the need for a magical release from suffering. If they overcome this frustration (let’s recall that the advertising of some other types of psychological treatments offers a certain happy outcome for a short investment of time), another frustration follows – regarding the guarantee that, while they have already given up the search for happiness, and even agreed to an undefined period of time filled with their efforts to reach their goal, the analysand expects at least some guarantees that their efforts and frustrations will result in success. Even this is not granted to them. In order to engage in the process of psychoanalysis, they must be able to bear the frustrations that the psychoanalytic method carries with it.

When the “rules of the game” of analytical work are gradually formed, a well-known “ground rule” will dictate that analysand needs to communicate whatever is on their mind, no matter how unrelated, unimportant, trivial, embarrassing, or whatever. The analysand must obey this basic rule, or in other words, submit (if they want to progress). The abstinence rule, in itself, carries the assumption of frustrations and the need for their tolerance. The client is suggested not to make any major changes in their life before their motivation is analyzed, not to look for easy releases of tension, but to bring the tension into the psychotherapy situation, in order to be analyzed… Postponing something that appears to the analysand as the fulfillment of a wish, so it can be analyzed, deviates greatly from the powerful but infantile principle of pleasure. During the analytical work, a multitude of transference reactions will be activated, along with the need for transference satisfactions, which, as a rule, are rejected (the analyst does not satisfy the needs of the analysand to compensate them for what mom or dad did not give them, he does not satisfy infantile needs). Here we should mention one peculiarity of the frustration of transference wishes: they do not appear for the first time in the analysand, but, at the very least, the second time. At the same time, the rejection of transference gratification is not the first, in the genetic sense, but the second in genetic order.

To summarize, the analysand, during the analytic process, will set their frustrated needs in motion by transferring them to the analyst, so that they (those needs) will, roughly speaking, have essentially the same fate as those that were based on the real objects of the analysand’s past. Here we must remember that it is about optimal frustration – but frustration nonetheless. The psychoanalyst will sympathize with the analysand’s difficulties due to reactivated needs from childhood, understand and accept it, but will not satisfy those unsatisfied childhood needs (that is not even possible), but will help the analysand to feel them again in order to learn to tolerate them better, to build more adequate mechanisms of dealing with them and more mature ways of satisfaction. In other words, one could say that the engine of therapeutic change in psychoanalysis is based on frustrations, which are not a manipulative tool, but appear as a natural and integral part of the method and technique of psychoanalytic work.

According to RECBT (Rational Emotional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), there are four basic irrational beliefs. Low frustration tolerance is one of them. We understand it as an irrational idea of not being able to bear circumstances, or certain actions that we, or other people, have done. So, we consider something that happened difficult to bear and irrationally convince ourselves that it is, in fact, unbearable. High frustration tolerance is one of the basic rational beliefs – the idea of tolerance is the rational idea that no matter how bad or painful something is, we can bear it. That idea contains three components: (1) something is difficult for us, (2) we struggle to bear it, (3) but deny that we cannot bear it and support the idea that it is possible. So: “it’s bad, but it’s not true that I can’t stand it, because I already do” (Dryden & Branch, 2008 ^[120]). Within the CBT and REBT approaches, numerous techniques have been developed for learning frustration tolerance. They are described in more detail in the book ” The ability to love and work – OLI Integrative psychodynamic psychotherapy ” (Jovanović, 2013).

In OLI IPP, when we work on developing frustration tolerance, we usually take the following steps:

1) We recognize behaviors that indicate inadequate tolerance of certain frustrations .

2) We search for exactly which need is frustrated (clients often cannot define which need is frustrated, but describe the situations that frustrate them). It is important that we define exactly what the need (or needs) are in question.

3) We examine why the frustration of that need is the “Achilles heel” of the client , why they are particularly sensitive to it. These investigations often lead us to trauma or fixation. Either a need was traumatically unsatisfied, frustrated in its development, so the person is particularly sensitive to the possibility of it happening again, or “was not tamed”, person did not have the optimal frustration of that need and did not learn to tolerate it when it occurs .

4) We work with the client to develop a tolerance for the frustration of that need using some of the available techniques. We choose techniques based on an assessment which of them would best suit a specific client.

Ambivalence tolerance – the orientation of the psyche

Nothing in life is perfect, and nothing can satisfy us completely and constantly. Human feelings towards anyone and anything are always a mixture of positive and negative. This is our reality. If we don’t run away from it, we learn to deal with conflicting emotions and to decide on a relationship – to go towards or away from someone or something, with the awareness of mixed feelings. That is why we say that the ability to tolerate ambivalence is the orientation of the psyche. Determination is possible if we are simultaneously aware of different emotions, if we do not run away from one side of the polarity (running away to one side is not tolerance or resolution of ambivalence, but defense against it).

Term history 

In psychoanalysis, the term ambivalence is used to describe the simultaneous existence of conflicting feelings towards the same object (person, object, phenomenon…). The term was introduced by Paul Eugen Bleuler (1952 ^[121]) at the congress of Swiss psychiatrists in Bern, talking about schizophrenia. He described the simultaneous presence of contradictory feelings towards an object or a person which manifested in an insoluble confrontation of two conflicting tendencies in behavior (such as eating and not eating).In the case of the “rat man” Freud (1909 ^[122]) already pointed out thatthe clash of love and hatred towards the same person can explain certain characteristics of obsessive thoughts (doubt, compulsivity). In the book “Totem and Taboo” Freud accepted the term. For him, ambivalence stems from the basic bisexuality of human beings and the structure of the Oedipus complex, which means that a child can simultaneously love and hate its parents. Freud uses the term, in the broadest sense, to indicate the presence of a pair of opposing impulses of the same intensity within a person.Most often, it is the opposition between love and hate, which is often manifested in obsessive neuroses and melancholia. In his metapsychological writings (1915 ^[123]), he adds that it is the loss of the object of love, through regression, that leads to causing the conflict of ambivalence (anger at the lost object love).

Karl Abraham (1927 ^[124])emphasized the intensity of sadistic fantasies that are related to urinary and digestive functions.Later (1924) he expanded Freud’s scheme of libido development by postulating that the development of the relationship with the object takes place in two ways. The first way is partial or total investment in the object, and the second is ambivalence. According to him, the first oral stage of sucking is pre-ambivalent. The child feels neither love nor hatred towards the object (mother). Then there are four ambivalent stages. The later oral stage, which is cannibalistic and in which the child has a need for total incorporation (ingestion, swallowing) of the object (biting the breast…) is a mixture of love and aggression towards the object. Such ambivalence gives birth to the original guilt and fear of the object’s revenge (which is recognized in the saying ” you will remember when you bit your mother’s tit” which is used when someone is threatened with revenge). Then follows an earlier anal-sadistic phase in which the child has impulses to eject and destroy the object (“getting the bad out of yourself”. In everyday speech this is recognized because when someone verbally vents aggression, it is said that they “shit a lot”, “spill their shit” “…) , and the later anal-sadistic phase in which impulses for conservation and dominance in relation to the object appear (“I won’t give you my precious contents”, “I won’t poop on the potty”, later “I won’t give you my emotions” ). This is followed by an early phallic genital phase associated with phallic aggressiveness, and ends with a final genital phase of love for the whole object which is post-ambivalent (predominant love). In “New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis” Freud (1933 ^[125]) integrated Abraham’s contributions. Within the oedipal conflict, ambivalence is resolved as a neurotic symptom, either through reaction formation (defense from one side of the ambivalent feelings by turning it in the opposite direction) or through displacement (moving one side of ambivalence towards another object). In the second theory of instincts, Freud saw ambivalence as part of the basic dualism of instincts: life instinct-death instinct.

For Melanie Klein (1935, 1940 ^[126]), ambivalence was the key to formulating her theory of depression. According to her theory, in the first phase of the infant’s life (paranoid-schizoid position), the child does not experience the mother as a whole, but its experiences are divided into two groups of experiences and feelings, directed at “partial objects”. Positive experiences refer to the “good breast” towards which one feels love, and negative experiences to the “bad breast” towards which one feels hatred. When the child begins to combine its experiences of the mother into the whole, depressive anxiety (depressive position) appears in the experience of the person (the whole object). The child becomes aware that it feels both love and hate for the same person and fears its own destructiveness that could destroy the mother (as well as the destructiveness of the love object into which the child projects its own aggressiveness). If positive feelings prevail, depressive anxiety can be overcome and the need for reparation (repairing the damage) arises. When the conflict of intensely opposite feelings is too strong, regression to the pre-ambivalent stage (paranoid-schizoid position) can occur using the mechanism of splitting into good and bad aspects of the object – “partial objects”. Melancholy is a hyper-ambivalent state of intense struggle between love and hate, while schizophrenia can be considered a basically anti-ambivalent process where opposing impulses are radically separated. This is achieved either by feeling and expressing only one side of ambivalent feelings in a pure form (either love or hate) towards the same object, at different times, or by simultaneously directing opposing feelings to partial objects that are separated, divided . (the experience of a person is split into its parts that are loved or hated, the experience of the other person as a whole is lost).

The ability to tolerate the coexistence of ambivalent feelings is one of the most important abilities that separates sanity from pathology. Perhaps the most important, along with the ability to tolerate frustration (although both are dependent on the success of the neutralization process, and all the mentioned abilities are closely interdependent with the development and maintenance of the wholeness and constancy of the object. Without the object wholeness, there is no ambivalence because there is no object-person experienced as a whole). One can get out of the anxiety of ambivalence in different ways, with different defense mechanisms, but they are generally “expensive” and lead to some form of pathology. Freud considered neurosis to be the product of an ambivalence conflict that arises either because both love and hate are intense, or because they are of equal strength, or a combination of both factors. In the psychotherapy process, it would be very useful if one could determine not only the client’s capacity to tolerate frustration, but also his capacity to tolerate ambivalence.

The indiscriminate use of the term ambivalence for any kind of conflict or mixed feelings is not useful. However, the restriction of using the term only to the coexistence of love and hatred towards the same object excludes important aspects of ambivalence as a term that decribes the simultaneous existence of conflicting feelings towards the same person. When we use the term “love” generically, then it can cover a wider range of feelings of positive quality. When we talk about parental love, we say that it includes care, concern, interest, admiration, pride, affection… Likewise, the term “hate” should not be viewed globally, but as a continuum of feelings from dislike, disinterest, repulsion, anger. ..to hatred. Following this way of thinking, we can talk about precursors or derivatives of the love-hate polarity. Those derivatives, in adults, can be attributed to the coexistence of feelings of envy and gratitude in transference relationships; or the simultaneous activation of desires to appreciate or idealize someone, on the one hand, and to accuse or devalue them on the other. The frequent coexistence of admiration and fear for the same person belongs here, especially if the analyst discovers that the fear is a projection of hostile desires.

 

Types of ambivalence in children

Antecedents of ambivalence can be seen in the analysis of children. Especially in very young children, conflicting feelings towards the same object coexist side by side, without any indication of conflict: the child will kiss its mother at one moment, and hit her at the next; or a child will embrace its younger sibling with such delight that it almost suffocates him. These two examples characterize two types of ambivalent manifestations. The first shows the successive expression of two sides of ambivalence (separated in time), and the second the condensation of both sides in one action.

Example 1: The intensity of ambivalence in Anna’s object relations contributed to her difficulties in dealing with the conflicts of ambivalence. In treatment, her ambivalence manifested itself most clearly in relation to her brother. Through the game, Emma told a story about a sister who is “happy” to have a little brother, and then about a boy who has to hide from a sister who wants to kill him. After six months of treatment, Emma tried to resolve that conflict through play with the therapist in the role of her brother, saying: “Sometimes we play together, sometimes we don’t, and sometimes we can fight…”

This form of expressing ambivalent feelings towards the same object can be successively called “temporal splitting of ambivalence” (Splitting, separation of ambivalent feelings. They are manifested at different times), in order to separate it from defensive splitting where one side of ambivalence moves from one object to another.

The following illustration shows a mixture of temporal splitting of ambivalence and indications of the beginnings of compromise formation between the two sides of ambivalence in a slightly older child, a seven-year-old girl.

Example 2: Ana’s increased ambivalence towards all her objects was noticeable: family, friends, the therapist. She said she used to call mom and dad big fat elephants and dirtbags, adding, “One day I love them, the next day I hate them.” She said about her friends: “Angela loves her mother one day, and hates her the next; as you say here.” One day she wrote down how she felt about the therapist and began: “Love, hate, adoration, I like him, good, terrible,” adding: “You see, there are more loves than hates.” Later, she tells the therapist: “Coming here is the best and the worst for me.” A little later, she says about her mother: “I can think that mom is good, but also that she is a pig.”

This example shows Anna’s growing awareness and tolerance for the coexistence of both positive and negative feelings toward the same object, despite the presence of hostile feelings. In general, this development seems to be related to the consolidation of the emotional object constancy as well as to the ego’s capacity for integration (the object wholeness).Achieving the object wholeness is a prerequisite for the emergence of conflict between ambivalent feelings, followed by a longer developmental process in the direction of tolerating ambivalent feelings without mutual interference.

It is obvious that love and hate, in the narrower sense, move toward very complex emotional states that cannot be realized before a certain degree of psychological development occurs and before a higher level of connection with the object is achieved. This is in accordance with Freud’s view that ambivalence is not a product of conflicting instincts and their objects, but is rather an expression of feelings that the self experiences in relation to the other object as a whole. Therefore, it is debatable whether we can talk about ambivalence in children before they reach a point of development where they are fully aware that the person who frustrates them and towards whom they feel anger is the same person who meets their needs at another time.

Of the two types of ambivalence manifestations described above, the time-separated activation of the opposite sides, from a developmental point of view, appears to be the earlier, since it does not contain any signs of synthesis or integration of ego parts.The second type, which contains a condensation or compromise between the two sides of ambivalence, has already shown indications of such integration . In children, this capacity of the ego to integrate and synthesize contradictory or incompatible ideas or affects is not yet fully developed. As development progresses, the ego becomes increasingly intolerant of the simultaneous presence of such incompatible desires, ideas, or feelings in relation to the object. At this stage, a conflict situation appears in which the child must and can apply some defense mechanisms.

Defense mechanisms against ambivalence

Two specific forms of defense seem to be particularly associated with ambivalence conflict. One of them is the so-called “defensive splitting of ambivalence” (one side of ambivalence moves to another object), which is often seen in children, but not so often in adults. In the past, that defense model was encouraged by the presence of nannies or housekeepers. The following example is an illustration from the treatment of a five-year-old boy and shows this defense mechanism.

            Example 3: Philip’s relationship with his mother was predominantly ambivalent in nature. The therapist saw that he seemed to split his ambivalence, expressing hatred mainly towards his mother, while expressing love was mainly directed towards his father. He saw his father as completely good, and his mother as completely bad. Later in treatment, he seemed to split his ambivalence between therapist and mother, seeing the therapist as a good mom and his mother as a bad one.

This example reflects the influence of the boy’s phallic oedipal development on the shift of love feelings from the mother to another object (the father, the therapist). We could expect that younger children will more often show a tendency to protect the object that satisfies their needs (the mother) as a good and beloved object and to shift hostile feelings from her to another accessible object (relatives, teachers, father, or animals or even some inanimate object).

Another defense model often encountered in attempts to resolve ambivalence conflict consists of suppressing one polarity component and reactively enhancing the other. It often manifests as excessive concern for the safety and well-being of a loved one. This phenomenon is well known to us from the analysis of obsessive persons. It is also often found in children who are trying to cope with intense death wishes for a parent (usually the mother) they depend on and love and are afraid of losing. In such children, the behavior of clinging to their parents and the difficulty of separating from an omnipotent threatened parent is often related to reactive care for the object , as we can see from the following example of a six-year-old girl.

            Example 4: One of Jana’s symptoms was difficulty in separating from her mother. She was usually very upset when she had to be separated from her mother to go to kindergarten. Even in kindergarten, she always demanded to be taken home during lunch every day. During treatment, she was initially very anxious when her mother was not with her, and often had to run out of the session to make sure her mother was still there in the waiting room. For months, she could not tolerate the idea of her mother going anywhere while she was with the therapist. What emerged at the beginning of the treatment was her great concern for her mother. Apart from a general tendency to provoke her mother at home and a sadomasochistic quality in her relationship with her mother, there were no conspicuous signs of hostile feelings towards her mother. This emerged only after a longer period of intensive work on her obsessive defensive organization and when the maternal transference came into focus of analysis. It brought to the surface intense wishes for the death of the mother, at first in a displaced and distanced form (for example removing and killing the bad stepmother, fantasy of anal destruction of the therapist), but gradually became directly associated with the mother who confronted her with her brother when she had two years, when she felt that her mother deprived her of her penis, and who she now perceives as a rival in fulfilling her Oedipal desires towards her father.

Clinically, it is not always easy to make a clear distinction between these two mechanisms – splitting and repression. In both cases, the connection of one side of ambivalence towards a certain object disappeared, in the first case by moving one side of ambivalence to another object, and in the second as a consequence of repressing one side of ambivalent feelings. Reactive intensification of feelings of love or hate towards a certain person can indicate the type of defense being used. On the other hand, it is easy to make a mistake and understand the hatred expressed towards one person as a detached part of the ambivalence belonging to another person, when, in fact, the hatred is really directed towards the first person. Nevertheless, this distinction is of great clinical importance in understanding and interpreting the phallic-oedipal material that appears in the transference relationship.

Superficiality is one of the typical defense mechanisms against ambivalence that, as a possibility, adolescence brings. It is unusual that superficiality is not on the usual “list” of defense mechanisms in the psychological literature. Superficiality is, in fact, splitting the relationship into small pieces (which is not the same as the mechanism of splitting good and bad, love and hate). This results in the discharge of tension through “a large number of small holes”, on several channels, none of which is of large importance. “A little bit of everything, not enough of anything” strategy. A person does not get attached to one object or activity and does not develop the intensity of attachment that would lead to strong emotions of love and hate, thus avoiding the conflict of ambivalence (and thus the necessity of developing ambivalence tolerance). This is not possible for a younger child, because it is dependent and does not have a large number of available relief channels. Adolescents have a wider range of possibilities for relationships and ways of releasing tension, so many of them choose superficiality as a convenient way to escape from the conflict of ambivalence. Where there is no strong attachment to someone or something (an activity), there is no strong ambivalence either. Often, such a defense mechanism is rationalized by the way of thinking like “I’ll stay free, I won’t get attached, it’s only important to have a good time…” (Bora “Čorba”), “philosophies” of ” hanging out”, “chilling” and similar urban “youth lifestyles” that carry a similar message, the “morality of fun” (what’s fun is good).

We believe that the misuse of the mechanism of superficiality is one of the important reasons why a large number of adolescents do not develop the ability to tolerate ambivalence (the development of this ability is continuous, it does not end at an early age, with the development of object constancy, but, like object constancy, develops throughout life) and that, when the time comes for “serious decisions” such as choosing a profession, university, job, permanent relationship, marriage, having children… an increasing number of adolescents face panic attacks (or completely deny the need for development). All those “serious questions”, relationship, job, marriage, children…require a developed ability to bear frustration and the ambivalent feelings that frustration causes. We believe that the most common cause of the growing number of divorces is the inability to endure ambivalence, which is a necessary ingredient of every human relationship. Isn’t it easier to fall in love every so often, and be in it while the positive side produced by idealization lasts, and then break it off before the ambivalence grows, and find a new object to idealize? Or not to enter into relationships with more intense emotions?

Mechanism of non-thinking: This mechanism is also often used by adolescents. Not thinking is not the same as repression. The person is aware of both sides of their ambivalent feelings but, when they come into conflict, a person solves the problem by directing their mind to something else (usually it is “chilling” at the computer, listening to music, watching TV…)…with the expectation that “things will work themselves out”. Unlike repression, which represses certain contents and emotions into the unconscious, in non-thinking they remain conscious, one side is not devalued (“I don’t care about that…school is irrelevant…”), it is not denied (“there is no problem”), but when person has to make up their mind, make and implement a decision, they just don’t think about it. The mind is occupied with something else and thus the unpleasantness of the conflict is avoided. Usually this is expressed in sentences like “Oh, let it go for now, I can’t think about it right now…”, which are included in situations where something needs to be put into action. The feeling of ambivalence is unpleasant, creates tension that calls for resolution, and it is easier to defend with superficiality and lack of thought (if there are no more immediate unpleasant consequences).

Technical implications in working with ambivalence tolerance

 

Psychoanalytic method and tolerance for ambivalence

            We could say that the standard psychoanalytic method, as Freud (1959 ^[127]) described it^[128], is basically directed towards the development of ambivalence tolerance. Analysis of resistance is, basically, a procedure aimed at overcoming ambivalence, revealing repressed ambivalent feelings through insight or interpretation. The standard psychoanalytic method that was aimed at working with people with a neurotic personality organization implies a “built or intact ego”, that is, the sufficiently built capacity of object wholeness and constancy, as well as ambivalence tolerance, which is strengthened through therapy. Let’s see how:

            Basic rule – the rule of free association

            The analysand turns to the analyst for help because they are in a state of tension. They are looking for a “cure” to release that tension. The analyst offers them a “cure” – a way by which they can get to the truth about themselves and create the conditions to change what creates that tension. The basic rule, the rule of free association, refers to the conditions necessary for the analysand to reach their subjective truth – their own subjective reality. It is a type of research design . Freud (1976 ^[129]) says: “We instruct the patient to transfer themselves to a state of calm self-observation without thinking and to communicate all their internal perceptions that they might have: feelings, thoughts, memories, in the order in which they occur to them.” At the same time, we expressly warn them not to yield to any motive to make some selection or exclusion among thoughts, whether the motive is: it is too unpleasant, or too indiscreet to be said, or it is too insignificant, it does not belong here, or it is meaningless, it should not be said. We tell the client always to move only on the surface of their consciousness, to leave out any criticism that comes in their way, no matter what kind of criticism, and we tell them, in confidence, that the success of the treatment, and above all its duration, depends on the conscientiousness by which they adhere to this basic rule of analysis.”

            The basic rule is the recommendation of a research method where one tries to overcome the distorting influence of moral factors on the perception of inner and outer reality – truth. The analysand is unable to adhere to it in the beginning, even if there is a conscious intention, because there is an inner “strife” between “is” and “should be” – moral and true, as well as fear (which arises from the inner “strife”) of possible conflicts between the analyst’s supposed moral “should be” and the analysand’s truth. Consistent adherence to an accepting and non-judgmental attitude by the analyst (“attitude of “neutrality”. Non-evaluation of the content presented by the client) allows reduction of the fear of moral judgment from outside and inside. Free association is learned by overcoming resistance.

Resistances are mainly the result of intolerance to ambivalence, to certain unbearable thoughts, feelings, attitudes related to significant objects (and oneself) from the analysand’s life. The side of ambivalence that one wants to avoid is the source of resistance to free association. Analyzing the resistance, the client faces that side of ambivalent relationships that they have suppressed, moved, separated… hid from consciousness. Non-valuing, non-judgmental, accepting attitude of the psychoanalyst, helps them to accept that side of themselves and their relationship with important persons, and to learn to tolerate it without hiding it from the conscious ego. Tolerating the “whole reality” as it is, ambivalent, allows the client’s Ego to find new solutions, to resolve the ambivalence.

           

            Therapy situation and ambivalence

                     The client turns to the therapist for help because they are at a standstill that prevents further growth of their personality. They are in a state of tension that motivates them for therapy. Revealingtherapy is a process that leads to the removal of those obstacles that immobilize the client and the actualization of their nature, and that is why this process is aimed at discovering those forces that lead to stagnation. Revealing therapy, therefore, usually begins with the client feeling that they are in a state of dissonance and tension and that they cannot overcome this state on their own. They turn to the therapist for help and, after clarifying their motivation, expectations from the therapist and therapy, the therapist makes a certain type of contract with them that they will work on discovering, understanding and overcoming those forces in themselves that prevent them from maturing. The therapist will try to help the client with their understanding and knowledge. A revealing psychotherapist, regardless of orientation, has certain ways to help the client discover these strengths. He can, for example, tell the client to say whatever comes to their mind, regardless of whether it seems unimportant, rude or stupid… (a basic rule in psychoanalytic therapy) or to breathe deeply including the chest and abdomen in a relaxed lying position (bioenergetic therapy) in order to remove censorship or raise the energy level, and thus the tension, and confront the client with repressed feelings and content… However, something seemingly paradoxical happens. The client came to be “cured”, and when they were offered the “medicine”, they did not follow the “instruction manual”. This is reminiscent of patients who run away from an injection or “forget to take an antibiotic after 6 hours”. When the therapy situation is clearly defined and the basic therapeutic attitude is consistently adhered to, these client behaviors are noticeable and we can confront them . The client, therefore, finds various, often very cunning, ways to sabotage the therapy process. Freud (1976) called those forces in the client’s personality that lead them to set up obstacles to the development of therapy process: resistance, and defined it as ” all forces within the patient that oppose the procedure and the progress of the analysis” . What are those forces?

                     Since the therapy process is directed towards the development of the person, the forces that hinder that process are the same forces that defend the neurosis (which are old, established and infantile) from change. These are the same forces that once had the function of defending the ego from danger (external and internal) and now, when there is no longer a real need for that, they still work to stop its development and resist therapy process aimed in that direction. Neurotic defenses are “guardians of the acquired balance, which deprives the individual of various pleasures, but makes them relatively safe”.There are, therefore, conflicting forces within the person. Some push in the direction of development (and these are the ones that bring them to therapy), and others tend to maintain the status quo. The therapy situation becomes an arena of ambivalence in which these forces collide. The therapist supports those forces that strive for development, establishes a “working alliance”, “contract”, “therapeutic alliance” with the client… and helps them to discover (recognition and confronting), understand (illumination and interpretation) and overcome (working-through) resistances which stop the progress of therapy, i.e. its development. Here is an overview of conflicting forces in the client given by Greenson (1978 ^[130]).

The forces that are aimed towards development are on the side of the therapist and the therapy process

1. The client’s feeling of disharmony, “neurotic misery”, handicap, which forces him to work in therapy, no matter how painful it may be.
2. The client’s conscious, rational ego that has long-term goals in mind and understands the purpose of therapy.
3. All which is repressed, restrained and tends to manifest itself.
4. A working alliance between the client and the therapist to cooperate in joint work despite the existence of forces in the client that resist the progress.
5. Instinct-free positive transference due to which the client evaluates the therapist as competent.
6. The rational super ego that forces the client to fulfill their duties.
7. Curiosity and desire to get to know oneself.
8. Desire for professional advancement and other types of ambition.
9. Irrational factors such as competitive feelings towards other clients, the need to repent and confess…which are occasional and unreliable allies.

Forces that oppose the therapy process

1. Unconscious ego-defense mechanisms.
2. Fear of change , the need for security that forces the infantile ego to cling to familiar and safe patterns of behavior.
3. An irrational super-ego that seeks suffering to quell unconscious guilt.
4. Hostile transference that motivates the client to defeat the therapist.
5. Sexual and romantic transference seeking satisfaction, leading to jealousy and hostile transference.
6. Masochistic and sadistic impulses that force the client to provoke various painful pleasures.
7. Impulsive and acting-out tendencies that lead the client in the direction of quick gratification and against insight.
8. Secondary gains from neurosis that bind clients to neurosis.

            The balance of these forces is constantly changing during therapy. The therapy situation is the arena for the struggle of these ambivalent forces in the client.

 

OLI IPP and ambivalence tolerance

            OLI IPP is basically a psychodynamically oriented approach, and is used to work with resistance and transference. However, in working with ambivalence tolerance, it also uses other techniques that are not part of the psychoanalytic method. One of the most useful for working on ambivalence tolerance development and ambivalence resolution is “psychological mathematics” or “emotional accounting” (emotional accounting is a more elaborate, complex form of psychological mathematics). Both procedures are aimed at dealing with ambivalence, quantifying emotions (accounting works with numbers), calculating “gains” (psychoanalysts call the gains from problems “secondary gains”) and harms from certain patterns of behavior or “counter-skills” (complex patterns of behavior that serve as substitute for the development of basic emotional competencies).

            People are not ambivalent about others only, but also about themselves, especially about their own changes. This is the form of ambivalence that we most often deal with when working as psychotherapists. Every day we meet people (including ourselves) who are trying to change something in their way of life, to change some habits related to problems such as food consuming immoderation, smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, lack of physical activities, workaholism, chaotic disorganization of time, procrastination (delaying duties, tasks)… and they fail to do so, even though potentially effective strategies are available to them (various weight loss programs, smoking cessation, overcoming procrastination, time management…). Even when they participate in certain problem-solving programs, people don’t stick with the program.

Ambivalence towards change is even more noticeable in problems related to relationships with others. In attempts to be more assertive in expressing one’s needs, to control “temperament” (impulsivity) in relationships, to communicate better… What we see in people’s struggles with their attempts to change themselves is typical of the conflict of ambivalence – repeated cycles of attempts and failure, partial success and then going back to the old ways… A large number of people who initially succeed in changes are not able to maintain those changes (Brownell, 1986). We think that ambivalence in relation to changes is the reason for the widespread opinion that “people don’t change”. Ambivalence and self-obstruction also occur in groups of students for future psychotherapists, among those who plan to devote their lives to teaching others to change. For years, we have been conducting training for psychological counselors, psychotherapists and life coaches. When we ask students: how many of you are currently trying to make some personal changes that you believe will improve the quality of your life”, the majority raised their hands. However, when we ask “how many of you consider these efforts towards self-change to be unsuccessful”, again the majority raises their hand. Then we start working on “emotional accounting”, with the intention of calculating what and how much benefit the candidates have from their own harm.

            Emotional accounting and psychological mathematics

            The techniques of “benefit and harm analysis” are not new in psychotherapy. They are often used in the REBT approach. However, emotional accounting is a more complex procedure that also involves understanding the psychodynamics of ambivalence.

            All accounting is based on some regulations – laws, on mathematics and statistics. The goal of accounting procedures is to obtain an overview of the situation – “balance sheet”, “income statement”, periodic or final account, to calculate taxes and contributions. All this also applies to emotional accounting. Even in our emotional life, it is important to make a balance sheet and an income statement, to understand how far our emotional life has brought us, our behaviors, choices, decisions, beliefs, our ambivalence. To see where the way of life we live leads us next. Are we emotionally poor or rich? What tributes, levies, “taxes” do we pay to our way of life. Everything we do costs something. Are we aware of the price we pay, or do we allow ourselves to be surprised and suddenly see that we are “broke”. Just as “bookkeeping” or “accounting” in business has certain procedures for reaching certain results and conditions, based on which further organization of work and investments is planned, emotional accounting also has its own procedures. Some of the procedures are similar to those used in business accounting, but adapted to the field of emotions.

Laws and regulations

            Business accounting is based on laws and accounting regulations. They are a reflection of the system functioning in which the company operates. Emotional accounting is based on the laws of functioning of human nature and the laws of human interaction. Those laws are not published in the “Official Gazette” and there is no general consensus about how human nature works. Different theories say different things. The laws of psychodynamics that we will list have been extracted from different theories of psychotherapy, from different approaches, searching for what is the common in the different, something “constant in the variable”, something that has been confirmed in the experiences of otherspsychotherapistsof different orientations, and above all, in our many years of psychotherapeutic experience.In order to be convinced of something at the meta-level of principles and laws, we must get confirmation for it through a large number of repetitions that confirm the principle without exception. That’s how we created beliefs. Laws are the most general principles, the goal of rules, abstractions that are the basis of specific actions and events. We will list the laws of psychodynamics on which the OLI method is based, and which we gradually, through the therapy procedure, educate clients on:

            Laws of psychodynamics

            The first law of psychodynamics – ” The Law of displacement“:

            “Each lie, immersed in the psyche or mind, displaces the amount of self-esteem and psychological health that is the “volume” of that lie.”or, expressed differently:“The degree to which a person, consciously or unconsciously, lies to themselves or others is inversely proportional to the degree to which they approach the ideal of a “good man”, that is, psychological health.

            The second law of psychodynamics – ” the law of compound lies “: (derived from the first one) reads:

            “The degree to which a person, consciously or unconsciously, lies to themselves is proportional to the degree to which they lie to others”

            The third law of psychodynamics, ” the law of merged  judgments ” reads:

            “Judgments about oneself are merged  with judgments about others.” As one judge themselves, so do they judge others .”  This law, however, has two levels of manifestation in which it seemingly contradict itself:

            Surface level: “By diminishing oneself, a person elevates others. By diminishing others, a person elevates themselves.”

            Deep level: “Diminishing oneself, one also diminishes the others. By elevating oneself, a person also elevates the others. “

            We note that these laws are nothing new, nothing of our invention, but “general premises” that can be found as basic beliefs in almost all psychotherapy schools of psychodynamic orientation (psychoanalysis, gestalt, transactional analysis, bioenergetics, radix, orgonomy and other schools of “body psychotherapy” “, NLP…). One does not even have to search the psychotherapy literature. These laws can be found as basic principles in the Bible, especially clearly expressed in the New Testament. We just formulated them a little differently for easier memorization and associative connection to the already well-known laws of physics (so that they look a little like the laws of “exact science”, if only as a “joke”).

            These laws are the basis for formulas which one should use to calculate whether a certain way of life is “good business”, whether it leads to real “emotional profit” in the long term, whether it will lead us to development, self-realization, realization of potentials, feelings of fulfillment and self-respect, the joy of living. These laws are the laws of love, truth and faith. One cannot love without truth, there is no truth without love, faith is the path to truth and love. These are the paths to the “heavenly kingdom”, but also the paths to ownself in the “earthly kingdom”. OLI IPP is based on these values. Not because we wanted to, because we propagate them as our own theory about man, about therapy, about ethics… but because human nature functions according to those principles that have long been recognized as universal. The question is why many people do not recognize or adhere to them. Maybe because they are misled not to believe their eyes, not to hear with their ears, to attach different meanings to what they feel (“He who has eyes to see will see. He who has ears to hear will hear”). Any emotional accounting that is not based on these laws has in it wrong algorithms for calculating profit and loss.

If we were to express it in terms of psychoanalytic theory, we could say that all defense mechanisms are forms of distortion of reality, that is, lies. The more primitive they are (splitting, negation, projection…), the more they distort reality, representing “larger volume” lies, the larger part of the personality they occupy (basic beliefs about oneself, the world, the others…). Bigger lies, or more primitive defense mechanisms, lead to deeper pathologies. The mechanism of splitting, for example, carries within it an essential lie of great volume – the lie that there is not one person towards whom we feel both love and hate, but that these aspects are separate (partial objects). It is a lie that leads to the fact that for the person who uses splitting there is no other person as a whole person, there is no man as a being with virtues and flaws that evokes ambivalent feelings in us. That high-volume lie squeezes out an enormous amount of sanity – a person who uses splitting as a basic defense mechanism is insane. What is the internal math that leads to the belief that splitting pays off? What formulas does its internal accountant use?

Methodology of emotional accounting

            Every accounting has “liabilities” and “assets”. Liabilities are what happened before, which affected the current balance sheet and income statement, which provides the basis for statistics and forecasts, for analyzing the situation, creating trend charts… Our past is our liabilities. On the basis of experiences from the past, we formed some kind of unconscious “statistics” and created a picture of the world, attitudes, beliefs and criteria. We have formed some of our unconscious or partly conscious “laws and regulations” on the basis of which we calculate what is worthwhile and what is not, in this world. Those unconscious “laws of how the world works”, “implicit theories of personality” – unconscious theories about how people and interpersonal relationships work, our beliefs, unconscious forecasts… determine our actual “business” in this world – our behavior (internal and external) .

An asset is the current business, the way we function in the present. Our assets are full of patterns from the past, untested theories, beliefs, miscalculations, wrong unconscious formulas for calculating emotional gains and losses. We call those patterns the character. Character consists of typical ways of perceiving reality, interpreting and experiencing it, typical ways of reacting and behaving. Those metamodels, as they are called in N.LP., or our “software – operating systems” as computer scientists would say, are actually algorithms, formulas on the basis of which, mostly unconsciously, we calculate the information we receive from outside and inside (from the sensations of our body, from our thoughts and emotions) and with lightning speed we extract the results that determine the behavior. Every behavior is motivated by some motive, some expected pleasure (reducing pain is also pleasure). Motive is a product of need and expectation that the need can be satisfied. If we do not expect to be able to satisfy a certain need, we will not have a motive to initiate a certain behavior, because we do not expect that it will lead to the satisfaction of the need. And random attempts to satisfy a need are motivated by the expectation that the

behavior will produce a result. If it doesn’t, we lose the motive. We will not invest energy “for nothing”. And it is a calculation that says “it is not worth it”, it is a “limiting belief”. Most often it is unconscious.

However, perhaps that behavior, in a different situation and adapted to that situation, would give results and satisfy a need. But we, from previous experience, have created a reaction formula, a formula for calculating gain and loss, and we tend to generalize it to all situations that even remotely resemble the one in which we came up with the formula (psychoanalysts call such behavior transference – emotional patterns acquired in the relationship with a significant person from the past that are transferred to other persons in the future). Unfortunately, we no longer test the formula (or very rarely do). In business, it is known that “business conditions change” and that the same rules do not always apply. One must constantly test the market, the business reality. There are no formulas that are always valid in every situation. If the current business is guided by the liabilities, if the present is guided by formulas from the past, there is a great danger of bankruptcy, business or emotional.

            We all already have our own psychological mathematics and emotional accounting that determines our behavior. We wouldn’t even move if something in us didn’t recalculate the risk of loss and gain and tell us to “go”. What is called “risk management” in business takes place in us every moment of our existence. Our software does this with incredible speed, unconsciously, with well-established formulas, habits, metapatterns. The problem arises when we have a bug – virus in the software, a wrong formula that distorts the information obtained and gives a wrong result. Then we need an antivirus program to detect and remove the wrong formula. Psychodynamic psychotherapies deal with this – they help people to discover data “viruses” in the system called the psyche. The methods of emotional accounting are aimed precisely at discovering those unconscious wrong formulas for calculating loss and profit and risk management. Like any other accounting, emotional accounting requires to be recorded “in writing”, clear and visible. Emotional accounting methods require pen and paper (or a computer). The clear-and-visible approach prevents the confusion that can arise when we try to keep everything “in our heads”. In our head we can have opposite views, contradictions, one next to the other, without noticing it at all (just as we can be convinced that our business is doing well when we see how customers come and buy, but the accounting shows something else when the costs are accurately calculated, taxes and contributions…). A clear-and-visible approach significantly reduces such risks. It is aimed at bringing the opposite sides of ambivalence into the same territory, into a common ground.

            Filling out emotional accounting questionnaires and forms can be “tiresome” for many people, but it will give a more realistic view of the situation and provide the possibility of correction through the resolution of ambivalence (“after all, something realistic is more worthwhile, so I will focus on it”). There is an expression related to “overview”, “recapitulation” that people often do in relation to their life when they have lived a certain number of years (it can be experienced as a state of crisis). The expression is “draw the line”. We draw a line when we count and want to derive the result. In certain periods of life, or in certain crisis situations, people force themselves to look into their emotional accounting and “draw the line”, whatever the result… Better than to continue to be “fooled” by wrong formulas. But why should we wait for “critical years” or major crises to take a look at our “balance sheet” and “income statement” and make a “periodic calculation”? Well, if companies do it twice a year (and partial cuts every month), why shouldn’t we also check our emotional “jobs” in this world, at least as often? Let’s start with a little emotional accounting training for amateur accountants. First, we will familiarize ourselves with the price list of life decisions .

Price list of life decisions

            It is clear that everything in life costs something. For nothing one can only buy nothing. Whoever does not believe in that, let them try to give us an example of getting something for nothing. “I found money on the street.” Well, in order to even be on the street, one had to move to get on the street. Maybe that price is not appropriate for profit, but it is a price. It is rare, very rare, that something of greater value is obtained for something of lesser value, but it never happens that something can be bought for nothing. To get anything one has to be alive, and living itself has a price (to be alive one has to endure some pain). Even to win the lottery one has to buy a ticket and risk “wasting money” if their number is not chosen. And what if someone else buys you a ticket? And why should someone else buy you a lottery ticket? Because they love you? If they love you, they must have gotten something from you already (they felt good with you, or they felt good when they saw you looking good… you must have given them something, even if you didn’t realize it). Some will say: what does a baby give to its mother when it is tiny and cannot give anything in return, yet it receives unconditional love from its mother? But the statement that the baby does not give anything is not true. A mother feels fulfilled because of her baby. That’s certainly something. Although the baby does not fulfill the mother intentionally, it does fulfill her with its very existence. If the baby does not fulfill the mother, if it does not give her any pleasant feelings, any emotional gain, the baby will not get anything from the mother. And it probably won’t survive. If it survives, it will probably start its life with the emotional formula that “it’s not worth it” to open up to the world. Nothing is gained, yet it hurts a lot. However, it remained alive. And that costs something. Something in the baby, the life force in it, made a decision and made a choice – to continue living and pay the price that life carries.

As strange as it sounds, to say that a baby made a choice and made a decision (because that’s what adults do), a different conclusion would be illogical, considering the fact that all behavior is motivated by some motive. It is a fundamental truth for all living things. If there is no driver – need and motive – there is no movement. And being alive is a behavior. Survival is behavior. Every behavior of every living being is purposeful – it strives to satisfy some need. To act on a certain behavior means to make a decision (regardless of how rudimentary a level of consciousness on which such a decision is made. Everything that is alive has a certain level of consciousness related to feeling on the pain-pleasure, pleasant-unpleasant continuum). As soon as we have, somewhere in the depths of our mind (even as babies), decided to live, in a way, we also made a decision that it is worth paying the price – the pain that life brings us. We “calculated” that “it’s still worth it”, that we can still gain, that we can still satisfy some basic needs and that it’s worth moving – to live. Without that decision, without that risk, we wouldn’t even be alive and we wouldn’t get anything, because only a living being can get something (satisfy some of its needs. Inanimate nature has no needs, so it can’t gain anything either, because gaining is satisfying some needs). One of the basic rules that we teach students in the OLI method is that “a person never does anything if there is no benefit from it” . The benefit doesn’t have to be developmentally healthy, but it is some kind of emotional gain. It satisfies some need.

            When we enter a store, it is usual to look at the prices if we want to buy something. In the “store” called “life”, the price list is not hung. It usually happens that we first reach for some “product” of life, and then we are told how much it costs. If we had known the price, we might not have taken it. It often seems like something can be had for free. So we take it, satisfied that it is “shared for free”. But then the “deferred payment” bill arrives and surprises us. No one told us, no one mentioned the price, or maybe they did, but we thought it was “blabbering” and that they were just scaring us. When the bills arrive, we feel that life is not fair. Even though we were told about the possible price, we hoped that somehow we would not pay it anyway, or that we would at least avoid the “profit tax”, so we feel that life is not fair. And yes, life is often not fair. And often we are not fair to it either. If we looked a little better, and listened better, and paid more attention to life, and tried to learn the rules of the game and “look the truth in the eye”…we would have realized that there is a price list for the “articles of life” and we would have made the rational choice of whether or not we want to pay the price. Well, when we were very young, we did not have a developed apparatus for properly perceiving the reality of life. Or, on the contrary, we had it, but others spoiled it for us. It’s not our fault. But we are responsible and we do have eyes to see and ears to hear, and a brain to think, and a body to feel…only if we decided to stop “pretending to be dull” and if we decided to understand how life works. Then we would recognize the cost of our choices and decide what we are willing to pay. If we decide to go for something that we know costs a lot, we will not attribute the consequences to some psychological problems that “happened” to us, but we will be aware that this is the price of our choices.

How is the price list of life choices made?

We will give a simple example first. We often use psychological mathematics in our work with adolescents, because the wrong psychological and mathematical formulas are still clearly visible “as if on the palm of your hand”, they have not yet been hidden behind numerous rationalizations and other defense mechanisms, and it is not difficult to bring them into the focus of consciousness. Instead of lecturing them about some of their inappropriate behaviors such as slacking off in their studies and lying, which “boring adults” often do, let’s suggest to them that we calculate whether their behavior is putting them in the red or making an emotional profit. We don’t serve them a final result like “that’s not good for you, son…that’s how you’ll fail in life…” and so on, but offer them to investigate the consequences on their own and make sure exactly whether something is worth it or not. We try to awaken the spirit of inquiry in rebellious adolescents. Usually, psychological math is fun for them. In working with teenagers, it is a part of a special program that we call the “Anti-F” program, which gives very good results in the “anti-F” protection of teenagers (how to protect yourself from F’s with the least possible “nerding”. It is important that they see the “job” as emotionally rewarding. The smallest possible investment – “small price”, with a sufficiently large benefit – no F’s nor nagging of adults, and the privileges are returned as well). Here’s an example:

Example (Jovanović, N.)

Fifteen-year-old M. tells me how he got an F at school. Since his parents were not at home, he had no one to force him to study. He knew that he should study, because the history teacher would probably call him out, but, nevertheless, before forcing himself to study, he turned on the television to see what was on. Then he got carried away, and realized that it was already time to go to school. Of course, he went unprepared and got an F. He didn’t tell the parents about the grade so that they wouldn’t “give him shit” about it and forbid him to go out. Then the parents found out and there was drama in the house. He was punished for both F and lying. Since it wasn’t the first time he’d engaged in similar behavior with similar consequences, I assumed that somewhere inside him, whether he was aware of it or not, he believed that the behavior paid off – because otherwise he wouldn’t repeat it. I deeply believe that every human behavior is motivated by the satisfaction of a need and the belief that the need can be met with that very behavior. However, other needs are often not taken into account, which satisfaction is prevented by the given behavior – the needs that will seek their satisfaction later are forgotten. Opposing motives are thrown out of consciousness. I suggested M . to imagine that his emotions are money (because M. appreciates the value of money and cares about having it. For children who do not yet appreciate the value of money, I take another “currency”. For example, marbles, pictures that they collect, chocolate cubes, etc.). Then I took paper and pencil, divided the page vertically into two columns. I put a plus sign above the left column, and a minus sign above the right column. I asked M. to first define each emotional benefit – a pleasant feeling or avoiding an

unpleasant feeling – that he had from his behavior (we are talking about allowing himself to do what is easier for him and avoid the obligation of learning, and about lying). We followed in order of the events first. The table looked like this:

(+) Emotional benefit – pleasant feelings, avoided discomfort

(-) Emotional damage – unpleasant feelings

– Watching television – pleasure -I didn’t study – avoidance of boredom, effort -Lying – avoidance of embarrassment, “crap given by parents” -Avoiding withdrawal of going-out  privileges (three days until they found out) – Some sense of freedom to do what I want, that no one bothers me or forces me to do something I don’t want to do.

– My conscience gnawed at me a little while I was watching TV for not studying. That bothered me a bit, so I couldn’t casually watch… – I was afraid when I came to school that the teacher was going to call me out. Since history was 4. class, I was anxious for three classes. – I got an F. I felt stupid, especially because I knew that I had to study the same lectures again, and even harder now, because the F is harder to fix. – I felt tense as I was walking home and hesitated whether to tell the parents… – I felt guilty for lying to them, and in fear of what would happen when they find out (for three days). – It was disgusting when they found out. Dad was furious and scolded me, and forbade me to go out until I fixed the F, and mom was crying, because they didn’t deserve to be lied to and I was irresponsible, so I felt both angry for being shouted at and guilty for causing crying. – I didn’t go out for 10 days because the history teacher didn’t want to call me out the next class because she was teaching a lecture.   – I had to study a lot more in order to fix F, I had to learn both old lessons and new ones, and repeat them so that I wouldn’t forget them until she called me out. -Relations in the house were tense until I fixed the F.

M. immediately noticed that the right column is longer.

I told him: “Maybe it is longer, but let’s check if it is also more expensive. Since you repeated that behavior, you must have believed that it was still worth it, in some way. If you think of any other benefit, list it, so that our math can be more accurate, because if we miss a benefit, we are doing a bad job… You know, every human behavior is directed to the satisfaction of some need, or at least we believe that we are satisfying some need with it. Why would you do something that does you more harm than good? What do you think, is there any other benefit, any other pleasure, whatever it may be…?”.

M.- “Well, I don’t know…I don’t see anything else…maybe a little stubbornness…”.

“Okay, even stubbornness can give some satisfaction, satisfy some need…Stubbornness towards whom?”.

M. “Well, maybe towards dad. I mean, he’s ok, and I know he loves me and does everything for my own good, but he has no right to yell… I mean, isn’t my school my business? If they left me alone, maybe I wouldn’t have such resistance towards studying. Well, I was alone in the apartment when I was supposed to study, because they were at work before noon, but I felt like they were still forcing me…”

-“Okay, so you had some satisfaction in having things your way – you did what you wanted, not what you thought they would make you do. Maybe that F was a way of showing them that they won’t be able to teach you responsibility if they act that way.”

M. “Well, it is… it’s just that I achieved the opposite effect – now they think they need to squeeze me even more”.

-“Then we will talk about what is a more effective way to achieve what you want – them to stop choking you. Let’s finish what we started first. Add to the list two more benefits that you later found. “I showed stubbornness, revolt because of my parents’ behavior and I sent them a message that they can’t deal with me like that”, but, add another damage – “My parents now think that they should squeeze me even more, because they think that I am irresponsible and that I I need a firm hand, so they control me even more.” Now look at your list, and put the consequences in order by putting numbers in front of them. Here’s how: on the side of positive consequences, put number 1 for what brought you the most pleasure or relieved you of the greatest discomfort. Then go item by item, ranking them from most important to least important. Do the same with the list of negative consequences.

The table, after ranking, looked like this:

(+) Emotional benefit – pleasant feelings, avoided discomfort

(-) Emotional damage – unpleasant feelings

1. – I didn’t study – avoidance of boredom, effort 2. – Some feeling of freedom to do what I want, that no one bothers me or forces me to do something I don’t want to do. 3 – I showed stubbornness, revolt because of my parents’ behavior 4 – I sent them a message that they can’t deal with me like that 5 – Lying – avoidance of embarrassment, “shit given by parents” 6. – Avoidance of withdrawal of going-out privileges (for three days until they found out) 7 – Watching television – pleasure

1. – I had to study a lot more, to fix an F I had to study both old lessons and new ones, and repeat them so that I wouldn’t forget them until the teacher called me out. 2 – I got an F. I felt stupid, especially since I knew that I had to learn the same lessons again, and even harder now, because the F is harder to fix. 3. – It was disgusting when they found out. Dad was furious and scolded me, and forbade me to go out until I got rid of the F, and mom cried because they didn’t deserve to be lied to and I was irresponsible, so I felt both angry for being yelled at and guilty for causing crying. 4. – I didn’t go out for 10 days because the history teacher didn’t want to call me out the next class because she was teaching a new lesson. 5. – I was scared when I came to school that the teacher was going to call me out. Since history was 4th class, I was anxious for three classes. 6. – I felt tense on my way home and hesitated whether to tell the parents… 7. – Parents now think that they need to squeeze me even more because they think that I am irresponsible and that I need a firm hand, so they control me even more. 8. – I felt guilty for lying to them and in fear of what would happen when they find out (for three days) 9 – Relations in the house were tense until I fixed the F. 10. – My conscience gnawed a little while I was watching TV for not studying. That bothered me a bit so I couldn’t casually watch…

This is just a list of ranked benefits and harms of a certain behavior, but it has not yet been quantified, so there is no psychological mathematics from which to derive a price list of behavior and decisions. In order to move on to quantifying on a scale of 1-10, we need to first determine what 1 is and what 10 is. 1 is not difficult to determine. It is a consequence to which we are almost indifferent. It is neither pleasure nor dissatisfaction. It is, for example, “satisfaction” that is within reach, but we don’t even want to move our hand to reach it, or dissatisfaction that is so insignificant that we don’t even want to move our hand to remove it. Ten is the greatest pleasure or displeasure (painful emotion) we have in our experience. I asked M. to recall one of the greatest pleasures from his experience and told him that it was a score of 10, so that, in relation to that pleasure, he should measure the positive consequences of his behavior and rate them. We repeated the same procedure when evaluating negative consequences. Now the table looked like this:

(+) Emotional benefit – pleasant feelings, avoided discomfort	Rating	(-) Emotional damage – unpleasant feelings	Rating
1. – I didn’t study – avoidance of boredom, effort 2. – Some feeling of freedom to do what I want, that no one bothers me or forces me to do something I don’t want to do. 3 – I showed stubbornness, revolt because of my parents’ behavior 4 – I sent them a message that they can’t deal with me like that 5 – Lying – avoidance of embarrassment, “shit given by parents” 6. – Avoidance of withdrawal of going-out privileges (for three days until they found out) 7 – Watching television – pleasure	9   8     7   6   6   6   6	1. – I had to study a lot more, to fix an F I had to study both old lessons and new ones, and repeat them so that I wouldn’t forget them until the teacher called me out. 2 – I got an F. I felt stupid, especially since I knew that I had to learn the same lessons again, and even harder now, because the F is harder to fix. 3. – It was disgusting when they found out. Dad was furious and scolded me, and forbade me to go out until I got rid of the F, and mom cried because they didn’t deserve to be lied to and I was irresponsible, so I felt both angry for being yelled at and guilty for causing crying. 4. – I didn’t go out for 10 days because the history teacher didn’t want to call me out the next class because she was teaching a new lesson. 5. – I was scared when I came to school that the teacher was going to call me out. Since history was 4th class, I was anxious for three classes. 6. – I felt tense on my way home and hesitated whether to tell the parents… 7. – Parents now think that they need to squeeze me even more because they think that I am irresponsible and that I need a firm hand, so they control me even more. 8. – I felt guilty for lying to them and in fear of what would happen when they find out (for three days) 9 – Relations in the house were tense until I fixed the F. 10. – My conscience gnawed a little while I was watching TV for not studying. That bothered me a bit so I couldn’t casually watch…	9       9       9             8       7       7   7       6     6   5
Sum of possitive points:	48	Sum of negative points:	73

Balance…………………………………………… ………………………. -25

M.- “Look at that, I’m in the red by far. How much is minus 25?”

Therapist: “Ha, ha…well, it depends on how you look at it and what you compare it to. That, for example, could mean that you survive your most unpleasant experience two and a half times – the one for minus 10, just slightly spread out in time. Or lose two and a half times your best experience. Or, if you want us to turn it into money?”

M. “How into money?”

Therapist: “Well, if you worked and earned money, it would be easier to compare the value of money and your feelings, because earning money would require your energy, time, and maybe enduring some unpleasant emotions…so we could somehow find a relationship, a formula for recalculation… .”

M. “Well, I also worked a little last summer at the gas station… All day long in the sun… washing windows… not a very fun or a nice job…”

Therapist: “Excellent, then you have experience for comparison.” How much did you earn per day and how many hours did you work per day?”

M. “Well, it depends…but on average about 10 euros a day for about 8 hours of work.”
Therapist: “Okay, now we have some norms… think carefully and tell me how much you would be willing to pay someone, if that was possible, to study history and fix the F instead of you?”

M. “Bro, I’d give him the whole salary instantly!”

Therapist: “Take it easy, think. How many hours did you spend studying history?”

M. “Well, I don’t know…I studied for several days…not really every day, because I had other subjects, but…for those 10 days…when I add up…about 10 hours! “

Therapist: “And you worked for a salary for about 180 hours. Twenty-two days, if you didn’t work on weekends, 8 hours each…So, for one hour of study, you would give 18 hours of work at the gas station?”

M. “Well, I’m not crazy to give so much…Ugh…I didn’t think it through at all…”

Therapist: “You seem inclined to give more for less if you get less right away?”

M. “Yes, I did that when I was watching television instead of studying. And it turns out that I don’t know how to appreciate my own work… as if studying was that hard, so that I would give 18 hours of window washing at the gas station for 1 hour of studying. Well, I’m not really that much of a idiot, I mean, I’m not stupid for studying, I just don’t like it… but I don’t hate it 18 times more than washing windows in the sun.”

Therapist: “How many times do you hate studying more than washing windows in the sun?”

M. “Well, let’s say that I would rather wash windows for three hours than study history for one hour.”

Therapist: “And, in three hours you would earn about 4 euros. Then for 10 hours of study, you would pay someone 40 euros to do it for you.”

M. “No problem”.

Therapist: “So, one emotional point is worth about 4.5 euros for you, because you would give 40 euros for what you rated as a nine. Now do the math, if you lose 25 emotional points because of some behavior, how much money would you lose in that transaction, approximately?”

M. “Math I do well… that’s… 100 and these 12.5 … means 125 euros. Where would I find so much money?! For that money I can buy a new cell phone with… Ha, ha… Well, what I do is crazy. I look like a loser, but I’m not a loser. How much money do I have in that emotional bank?”

Therapist: “That is a question to which I do not have an answer. Although that could perhaps be calculated somehow. There are certainly behaviors in which you play the way you should, so you get a positive outcome and more positive emotions than negative ones. Then from there you spend your emotional reserves on these kinds of behaviors…”

M. “Well, there is…of course…Let’s say basketball. I don’t slack off in basketball, and no one should force me to do my tasks, because I love it, and it’s just my thing…Yes, in basketball I don’t calculate this stupidly at all, and I’m responsible…I know I can’t get good right away, but that I have to practice and invest a lot to get there… Although, my folks say it’s too risky and only a few become professionals.. One serious injury, and it will be all for nothing… That’s why I have to have some kind of diploma…”

This was the way in which the young M. began to learn about the process of keeping track of one’s own emotions – emotional accounting. In fact, it is a process that takes place in all of us when we learn to tolerate ambivalence. If there are conflicting feelings, attitudes, needs… in the same space of consciousness, we weigh them, evaluate, calculate… and, based on those “calculations”, we make a decision – resolve the ambivalence . We focus on one side, while remaining aware of the other side. That’s why we call tolerance to ambivalence, the orientation of the psyche. It is the basis of the ability to make decisions. When we are focused on the positive side of ambivalence, then we go towards the object (person, activity) and try to, in some way, reduce the negative side – to negotiate, to discuss constructively, to understand, to look for possible changes and solutions. If changes are impossible, then we learn to “tolerate”, endure, accept…

Just as in business accounting there are “input” and “output” invoices, income and expenses, so in emotional accounting there are emotional benefits and harms from certain behaviors. The process of emotional accounting is not as simple as it may seem in this example. In this example, we did not dwell on some important factors such as, for example, time. When you introduce someone to something new, you give them a simpler version to begin with. The time factor must be taken into account if you want to make a more realistic calculation. For example, would you accept an offer to spend the night with someone you really like, if the only downside (the price you have to pay) was that you have a little itch on the tip of your nose that you can’t scratch. I guess most would say “YES!”. The only problem is that in the second part of the sentence there was no time indicator like in the first part (one night). Let’s rephrase the offer like this: “I am a genie from a bottle who can fulfill your wish, but I ask that you pay a certain price for it. My offer is this: You can spend the most beautiful night with any person you want. The price you have to pay is to accept that little itch on the tip of your nose that you can’t get rid of. Not a big one, painful itch, but a small, continuous itch… but in the next 40 years.”. I don’t know how many would agree to an offer composed like this.

This is a question we should ask ourselves when we get married. We can tolerate some things in a partner when we have fun, when we don’t live together, when we are driven by passion, by the desire to be with them as much as possible. But, if we don’t include in that “calculation” (which is better called “choosing a partner”) that little continuous itch on the tip of the nose… (let’s say it’s their tendency to nagging, to always be right… which didn’t bother us that much while we were going out and we didn’t have daily obligations and responsibilities, children…it bothered us as well as that occasional itch on the tip of the nose)…in the overall balance, an unwanted result can be shown.

Analogic

This story about emotional accounting is, in fact, an analogy with business accounting. Making an analogy is a good way to find the principle, what is common in the differences. As Đole Balašević would say in his song about his rooster: “The principle is the same, everything else is nuances”. In the previous example, we saw how an analogy was used to connect the experiences of valuing emotions and valuing one’s work – the connection with the value of money. The principle of valuation was extracted, which can connect facts from different areas of value – the value of emotions, the value of work, the value of money. The ability to make an analogy is the ability to draw out principles and recognize principles in perceived ways. Learning in analogies is a higher form of learning because it allows us to apply what we have learned in one area, the principles that work in that area, to other areas of life. In this way, we can draw out principles that are more universal, principles of a higher order in the hierarchy of principles. Nature is frugal in its principles, and very broad in its manifestations, ways of manifesting its principles. Learning the principles is more “profitable”, more applicable, it allows us to find our way in the multitude of manifestations, without always looking for a solution through experience that we have to “feel on our own skin”.

Analogic is necessary in order to extract valuable “emotional accounting”. If the term confuses you, it’s our invention. Analogic is the science of patterns, of ways of searching for principles, of “constants in the changeable”, of the principles of searching for principles and analogies. As far as we know, such a science does not exist, but there are analogists, people who are engaged in searching for common principles in various sciences and areas of human cognition (Jovanović, N. 2006), (a ^[131]book dedicated to Analogic, a love-scientific novel, “Silent Music of Existence” which deals with those most general principles – the principles of music or acoustics and the principles of harmony that rule in all areas of existence and the sciences that deal with them – in physics, chemistry, biology, psychology… life). Here we will only deal with the application of analogic for psychotherapy and educational purposes. We will show you how we still used analogic in our work with M. in attempts to introduce him to emotional accounting (effectively keeping track of his emotions).

            In the first part of example 21, emotional accounting showed that M. loses emotionally with his behavior, as well as how much he loses, and in what way he loses. Analogic was used to connect that loss with other relevant norms of loss (money, time, energy…), to compare, to quantify-determine one’s feelings on a continuum. This helped him not to have “some general feeling of dissatisfaction”, but specific dissatisfaction, due to specific consequences caused by specific behavior. But, the renunciation of certain behavior that would be encouraged in this way would be aimed at avoiding loss, and not towards gain – satisfaction. It is something similar to when we try to wean smokers from smoking with aversive campaigns and information about the harm of smoking to health. A better solution is if the behavior change is related to a positive goal, than if it is related to avoiding negative consequences. For M., learning was still “torment”, “boredom”, “prison”… and if he continued to undergo that torture in order to avoid greater torture, the whole process would continue to be “pull out a smaller wedge with a bigger wedge”, because it is said that “a wedge is pulled out by a wedge”. Something similar to when we would try to increase the motivation of employees to work by using stricter punishment measures, so when they realize that slacking off does not pay off, they will work “without further ado”. It often “works”, but to what extent and for what type of jobs. If your goal is to motivate people to be creative and initiative… this way of motivating will not give results. With this kind of accounting, we could “arrange” M. to cause less problems for his parents (after all, they pay for his sessions), but not to encourage his intellectual curiosity and desire to acquire knowledge. At least knowledge that is not directly related to school duties.

If we go back and look at the table in which M. ranked the positive and negative consequences, we can see several patterns that may be important for his further development. Go back and look at the last table. What is at the top of the positive consequences? The highest score, plus 9, was rated “1.-I didn’t study – avoidance of boredom, effort”, while the highest score for negative consequences, minus 9, he rated: 1. “-I had to study a lot more, because I had to study both the old lessons as well as new, and to repeat them so that I don’t forget until the teacher called me out.” The highest ranked positive consequences are related to avoiding dissatisfaction related to studying. If he would retain that pattern, we could predict that he would be guided in life mainly by avoiding dissatisfaction as a driving motive, and not by achieving satisfaction – moving towards the goals. With such a pattern, a model of attitude towards one’s own needs and demands of life, it is very likely that he would be dissatisfied in almost all areas of life. Studying is a process that follows us throughout our lives, not just while we are going to school. It is an essential resource for achieving success in life. M. had a tendency to study “physically”, through the sport of basketball. His “intellectual inhibition” and “attention deficit” (with such a “diagnosis” he was sent to me because I have a “reputation” for successfully “sorting out silly boys who won’t study”. I alone was one of those. I almost failed in psychology, and I had a bunch of F’s in various subjects during the school year. School, for me, was really a “boredom”.) Therefore, we could correct the balance in emotional accounting by having M. “start digging” when he realized how much he was losing, or by encouraging his desire to study. If I told him that he could love studying, he would probably “burst out laughing” at that irrational idea. M. had a “limiting belief” that for him studying was difficult and “tiring” and that it was impossible for him to love studying, even though it would significantly improve the balance of his emotional accounting. How to motivate him? How do you even get him to believe that this is possible? In order to stimulate the motive, not only the desire is needed, but also the belief that the realization of the desire is possible. In the continuation of the meeting, I tried to do just that:

Therapist: “You see…when I look at this table of yours and what you rated with the highest marks, both positive and negative, I see that avoiding “boring” studying received the highest positive rating, and the effort and time spent in studying received the highest negative rating grade from all negative consequences.”

M. “So what can I do when I hate studying. I’m really tired of it.”

Therapist: ” Did you learn something today, at this meeting?”

M. ” Oh, I did. I learned to think a little differently about what I do. I wasn’t aware that I was coming off as a loser…and I don’t like being a loser…Actually, I knew all that, but I didn’t pay attention and didn’t calculate that way… Yes, that psychological math of yours is useful and fun.”

Therapist: “If you learned something, then it means that you studied now, right here. Can something be learned if it is not studied?”

M. “Well, I guess it can’t. It’s just…I didn’t have the feeling that I was studying…At least not in the same sense as in class or when I’m studying at home… it wasn’t boring. I didn’t feel like I was studying, but I feel like I learned something.”

Therapist: “Could we draw the conclusion that studying doesn’t have to be boring?”

M. “Hm… it sounds logical when you say it like that, but it’s hard for me to say something like ‘learning doesn’t have to be boring’ and feel that I mean it.”

Therapist: “You don’t believe your eyes and ears? You have one belief, a limiting belief, and it’s hard for you to even question it?”

M. “Well, it is…though, I also study basketball…and I’m not tired of it. Well, not all studying is boring, but school studying is. Although, I don’t even read books that aren’t for school. I don’t like to read. I guess I’m sick of school, so I hate everything that looks like school, if only because it’s in the form of a book…”

Therapist: “Hmm…I like that! I also used to hate studying, and then I forgot how to do it. Now it happens to me that, even when I go on vacation, I constantly drag a pile of books, because I can’t resist the need to constantly study something. Would you like to teach me, or at least remind me, how to do it successfully?” (this “trick” of turning limitation into achievement occurred to me by chance when working with an adolescent many years ago, and since then I have used it often because it produced good results. I was pleasantly surprised to read that it is used in NLP as “technique” and that it has exactly that name. It is also used under the name “paradoxical intention”.)

M. “Say what? What do you want me to teach you? How to not love studying? Can that even be learned?”

Therapist: “You think you were born with the fact that you don’t like to study?”

M. “Well, I certainly didn’t. Actually, when I was young I loved to study. I kept asking what is this, what is that, why this, why that…”

Therapist: “Well, it means that later on you learned that you don’t like to study. How does it work? Think of it as an advantage, which is not difficult. At school, don’t you call those who like to study nerds… it’s not an advantage to be a nerd, is it?”

M.-“Well, it’s not. They are fools who do not know how to socialize, but only to study. Nobody likes them”

Therapist: “So it doesn’t pay off to love to study?” That way you risk becoming a nerd and be despised and ignored by others?”

M. “Well, it is…although someone who likes to study doesn’t have to be a nerd. They can study as much as they are interested in something and choose what interests them.”

Therapist: “Are you trying to convince me that it’s not a bad thing to love to study?” And I was hoping that you would teach me how to not like to study”

M. “Heh, heh.. pay me and I’ll teach you. I also pay you to teach me something”

Therapist: “I will, very gladly. That would be very useful knowledge for me. How much does your tutoring cost?”

M. “I don’t know how to determine the price when I haven’t charged anything until now. Except for washing the car.”

Therapist: “Intellectual work is paid more than physical work. For intellectual work, it is necessary to have knowledge, to study, to graduate from school, to be insightful, to think in a way that the one who asks for your service cannot. Since what I’m asking you to do is intellectual work, then charge more for it than washing windows. At least double, or three times more.”

M. “Well, yes, that’s why my parents make me study. Although there are many people here who have no education and have money, but not from manual labor…I guess they have “knack” for earning money…but they also had to learn that too somewhere, somehow…Hmm, but how cunning you are! I lived to say all the things that my parents would like to hear, and that with conviction. That “psycho knack” of yours is very good… And let’s see how much I should charge you for my knowledge… They gave me 5-50 RSD for washing, so 20 on average, so three times it comes to about 60 RSD. Is that an OK price?”

Therapist:” I accept. I turned into an ear to hear how it is done” (I even take a pen and a notebook to write it all down”. Pay attention to what follows in the example, because it introduces us to the understanding of the concept of “counter-skills”)

M. “Oh, that’s not good! You’ve been doing it all wrong from the beginning!”

Therapist: ” How wrong? What am I doing wrong?”

M. “Well, what you are asking is also wrong. If you ask what you don’t understand, it will be clarified for you, and you will learn. First, you must not “turn yourself into an ear” and you must not have the desire to find out how it is done. You are a bad student because you have no talent. You look at me as if I have something to tell you, as if I have something you need, and that’s bad if you don’t want to learn. Well, I’ve never seen a bigger anti-talent…(Obviously he is having fun) You’re going to be a nasty nerd, my child. You will go blind by staring at the book and you will not know life, not to mention the chicks… You are doomed to a dull life. But, I will save you. Listen to what the master of chilling tells you, and you will be fine.”

Therapist: “Wow, I like this. I’m really glad to learn from the master!”

M. “Yuck. Wrong again…If you appreciate me, you will learn something from me. You must think that I’m a stupid moron, that I don’t know about life, but that I just picked up some nonsense that I use to torture students in order to earn money…”

Therapist-. “Ah, I see”

M. “If you really understood, you wouldn’t understand. As soon as you try to grasp it, it means that you are in danger of grasping it, and when you grasp it, then it is not so difficult anymore and, God forbid, you will start to love studying. You have a talent for being an anti-talent. And don’t look at me so clearly in the eyes, but through me, or from the side, because when you look at me, then something from me will reach you… And if you are already looking at me, than think about how boring I am and how because of me you can’t do something you love.”

Therapist: (I look through him, I try to feel how dull and boring he is, but it just doesn’t work for me… I imagine how I could now go to listen to some good music or go fishing, instead of listening to some brat blabbering, but I just don’t feel that. Honestly, this is more fun for me. I feel like a failure. I can’t learn something that is so easy for him. What an anti-talent, well said really). “I am quite a failure. It doesn’t work for me, I can’t…”

M. “Bravo, you are learning already. You have to believe in that about yourself, in the fact that you can’t, that you will never be able to do it… and things will fall into place eventually.”

Therapist: “I see…”

M. ” That “I see” is forbidden. It means that you discovered something, and if you discover something, you expose yourself to the danger of loving to discover, and again you are unsuccessful in not loving to learn.”

Therapist: “Then it’s best to turn off my brain and chill. As soon as I turn it on, I’m unsuccessful.”

M. “There, you’re already learning”

Therapist: “But I wanted to achieve the opposite. To learn immediately, quickly, that I don’t like learning.”

M. “Yes, that one is good. You always try to learn something quickly, so if it can’t, and it usually can’t be done that way, then you’ll be disappointed and you’ll hate studying. Than, when you’re trying to force yourself to study, you’ll remember that disgust…and then it will be even harder to start, and so you’ll waste your time, you won’t study and you’ll feel guilty, and than you’ll feel even more disgusted , so it will be even harder to try…”

Therapist: “But, it all seems so tiring to me. And I wanted to unlearn the love of learning in order to reduce the effort, to be able to rest… but not learning seems to be something even harder.”

M. “Well, it’s hard…and tiring. Especially when you have to study. If there was no school, it wouldn’t be like that. Although, then this skill of mine would be useless. And it’s not useful even like this, it seems…”

Therapist: “Well, then why do you use it?”

M. “I’m used to it, I guess. It’s easier for me to do what I know, what I’m used to.”

Therapist: “I think we can do math for this too, to calculate how much this skill gives you and how much it takes away, but we will do that next time. If you have the will, try it at home to do it yourself, to write the benefits and harms and to rank them and give them grades, like when we talked about avoiding studying and lying.”

M. “Allright. It doesn’t seem so boring to me. I have to admit that you did this very skillfully, that you dribbled me out, but that I don’t feel like I lost…”

Therapist: “Watch out, now I’m going to use the knowledge I got from you. If you admit to me that I’m skilled, that I’m not dull and boring, there’s a danger that you’ll learn something from me and that you’ll even start loving studying.”

M. “Hmm…it’s risky, I must admit…”

Therapist: “I have to admit to you that what you taught me was worth money…and more than you charged (I give him the agreed amount). I will write down all the recommendations for not liking studying, which I also recommend to you. It is a real scientific work. A crystal clear and detailed guide to success to hate studying. It could be turned into training and sold.”

M. “But what fool would buy that. Who would want to study how to not like studying?”

A therapist. “Who knows, the market is odd…people want to learn all kinds of things. After all, it can always be made into a counter-skill. If people learned to do the opposite of the recommendations for not liking studying, then we would have a manual on how to love studying…and how to study effectively”

M. ” Then I would be like a co-author of a manual on how to love studying. What irony!”

Therapist: “You want us to write it together?”

M: “It sounds so twisted that I like the idea”

Therapist: “Then, are we writing it?”

M. “We are writing it!”.

            Counter-skills

            We usually look for analogies in related sciences, in similar phenomena. However, if we look for analogies in processes, we can almost always find them exactly in opposites. Every behavior is a reflection of a certain skill and strategy. No skill or strategy is inherently bad. They are valued in relation to the goal . Is coming off as stupid a skill? Of course. The only question is who needs such a skill and what purpose it would serve. Ask Mr. Bean. He makes good money from the perfected skill of coming off as sloppy, clumsy, stupid… You think it can be acted so well if one doesn’t know the essence of those skills, the process that leads to their perfection? Is it a skill to be depressed? Of course, as well as being enthusiastic and in a good mood. If there were buyers, depressed individuals who would have the motivation to engage in conscious research of their own skill could hold seminars and workshops… If you wonder why someone would learn a skill that does not serve anything positive, then you do not understand an essential determinant of human nature (living nature in general). People never develop useless skills. People never do anything from which they do not get some benefit, because there would be no motive to drive that behavior. Where there is behavior, there is motive . Where there is a motive, there is also a need that the behavior satisfies and the belief that the need can be satisfied in this way and that, in some way, it all pays off. M. has really given us very good guidelines for creating a manual on how to learn effectively and how to love learning. He gave it in the form of a reverse process. We only need to turn the process in the other direction (like making a photograph from a film negative). Let’s summarize what M. gave us as recommendations.

Strategies of dislike and love towards the learning of minor Dr.Pr. M.

How to dislike studying and study ineffectively	How to love studying and study effectively
– Start with a negative attitude that there is nothing for you in it, nothing you want to gain, that would satisfy some of your needs – suppress the need	-Start with a positive attitude that there is something valuable to gain, valuable knowledge – let your need/curiosity take over.
-Create a firm belief that this ability is a characteristic of people you don’t appreciate	-Think about people you value, who have love for learning and knowledge
– Degrade the authority that should teach you something	-Find a good teacher and respect their competence
– Dull the senses, don’t look – blur the vision, don’t listen – plug your ears, dull the emotions – don’t get excited or arouse curiosity.	– Sharpen your senses – look at the one who is teaching you, sharpen your gaze, listen carefully and actively, follow your emotional reactions while learning (curiosity, wonder, doubt, delight) – connecting with emotions binds what has been learned and is better remembered.

– Focus on the negative consequences of studying and look for evidence of them in the information you receive – create a negative perceptual filter. Highlight the positive consequences of your ability.	-Focus on the positive consequences of the learning and knowledge you acquire. Develop a positive perceptual filter that lets in any valuable information that can increase your understanding of what you are learning. Be aware of the possible influence of limiting beliefs and prejudices. Pay attention to them too and try to understand their roots and get rid of them.
-Learn to look for and expect satisfaction of the need immediately, quickly…it will not work for you and you will achieve the goal – hating studying	– Develop patience and calm attention. Learn to delay gratification, because what is valuable cannot be achieved immediately and easily. Enjoy what you achieve, taking small steps towards your goal. Reward yourself for those smaller successes. Create a positive emotional response associated with studying.
– “You have to believe in yourself, that you will fail, that you can’t do it.” – Create a limiting belief about your own abilities.	Believe in yourself, in your abilities. Validate your abilities when you achieve each small step on the way to your goal
-Avoid the experience of discovery (“That “I see” is forbidden”), turn off your brain, don’t ask questions.	Learn through discovery. The most effective studying is learning through discovery, “I see” experiences. Ask questions and seek answers.
-Create an aversive reaction to studying (“be disgusted”) and create triggers for that reaction (book, school, knowledge, teacher…) “Anchor the reaction. Create the appropriate physical state that the “triggers” automatically activate.	– Create positive triggers of the desired mental-emotional state – readiness to learn and joy of discovery. Choose some “triggers” that will remind you of the feeling you had when you were in the desired state – visual, auditory, kinesthetic – “anchor” the desired state so that you can easily activate it
-Practice, repeat, create a habit. Reinforce your habit (by forcing yourself)	-Practice, create work habits, “stamina”, atmosphere. Reinforce your habit (by working)
-Generalize your counter-skill, transfer it to related fields (reading books, “general culture”, personal interest…)	-Generalize your skill, transfer your curiosity to related fields and check if the same principles exist in different fields of knowledge, make analogies, it will entertain you and fill you with satisfaction.

            So everything that people do is certain skills and strategies that they get some benefits from. This also applies to what we call psychological problems, illnesses. These are all skills and strategies that people, with some of their internal formulas and emotional accounting, perceive as “profitable work”. Of course, many of those strategies do not aim for development, do not lead people to the full development of their potential, often make them unhappy, unfulfilled, empty…but they still “do the job”. The saying “does the job ” means exactly that – it’s not the right solution, but somehow it works when we don’t have a better solution. “When I don’t have money to buy a new spare part for the car, I scavenge something from the junkyard…it’s important that it rolls. While it’s rolling, I hate even thinking about replacing it, since I have enough problems anyway… until it stops, and then I have to do something… either to fix it again, or to somehow find the strength and money to find a better, more permanent solution…” Many treat their own personality this way, especially when they don’t have “funds” in their emotional “bank”. Personality has no spare parts. Even when “there’s money” – you have to be “your own repairman” and fix things yourself – with a little help from someone who knows how to do it, so they can help you by knowing the process, but they can’t “fix” it for you . Unlike an inanimate car, personalities do not need spare parts. Its parts-potentials, “resourceful mental-emotional states”…cannot be destroyed (except by bodily injuries, brain injuries). They can just not develop or become passive. Through certain processes, learning and practice…those resources are developed or reactivated. Psychotherapy is one such process.

            Counter-skills are not the same as defense mechanisms, although they include defense mechanisms in themselves. Counter-skills are complex patterns of thinking, emotions and behavior that lead to certain psychological states and relationships with people from which a person derives unhealthy emotional benefits that do not lead to development, but to some form of parasitism. They are substitutes for basic emotional abilities. They are developed instead of abilities, in order to “patch a hole”, person’s attempt to solve an important developmental task in an easier way, without enduring the pain and effort that comes with development. They are attempts to “not pay the price” of development, “life hacks”. The development of basic emotional abilities leads to separation (independence) and individuation, while the development of counter-skills is aimed at manipulation (of oneself and others) and parasitism of various forms. Counter-skills resemble what in transactional analysis is called “playing games” (manipulative forms of transaction with people). The difference is that counter-skills also refer to self and life manipulation. From the previous example we saw how skilled the young M. was in his counter-skill.

It is important to understand that people are experts in the problems they have. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be able to achieve the same result every day. A depressed person is an expert at creating depression, a panicist at creating panic…they know exactly what they need to do to achieve that state (albeit mostly they are not aware of their skills)…how to think, what body position to adopt, how to breathe… In psychotherapy, it is necessary to discover and clearly define those counter-skills. Only when a person understands how they produce their problem, they can work on developing skills that would produce something else, developmentally better. Of course, if their unresolved ambivalence allows them to opt for the latter. Therefore, in the OLI method, we approach people as experts for the problem they have. Each of us is the greatest expert in the world on one thing – how to be exactly who you are and how to live exactly the way you live. No one else on this planet manages to be us. Just us. Every day. We know how to do it. How to live exactly the way we live, whether we like it or not.

The basic moral problem of ambivalence

            The basic moral problem of ambivalence , according to our understanding, could be reduced to the dilemma “to live at your own expense or at someone else’s”, to grow up or not to grow up. If a person is directed towards development (separation and individuation) they resolve this dilemma by deciding to live on their own expense. They develop their own tools for life and do not depend on someone else to do it for them. If they are not directed towards development, the person decides on the mechanism of “finding the patch for the bag” – they will find others to “patch their holes”, to do for them what they are not capable of because they do not have the basic tools for life – basic emotional abilities. In order to induce, seduce or force others to be their extensions (as Kohut would say – self-objects), a person must develop various forms of manipulation – counter-skills. They will either be an actualizer or a manipulator. Their will (we will talk about will in the next chapter) develops either as a will leading to individuation or as a will for manipulation. Either they will create, or they will steal. We said earlier that ambivalence arises when we have conflicting feelings towards the same object, when we are on a seesaw between love and hate, libido and aggression. Self-creation, individuation, growth, self-actualization…reduce hatred and aggression towards others, because we no longer blame others for our failures and frustrations (or rarely do). Commitment to individuation, self-love and self-actualization, despite the pain of development and responsibility for one’s own life, are the weights that weigh the seesaw of ambivalence to the side that is “For” life and that says “Yes” to fulfilling living.

Black and white accounting. “Sins” and punitive measures.

            You may wonder where such a subtitle comes from in a book that deals with the psychotherapy method. Are we, by force, by drawing analogies, trying to draw a parallel between the functioning of a company that operates in this world and a human being who also has his own business – deals with this world. Probably some of you are wondering if we are trying to present human beings as some kind of “calculators” who constantly, consciously and unconsciously, calculate possible loss and gain, unpleasantness and pleasantness, pleasure and pain, and yet we started with the fact that psychotherapy is moral education and that the essence of “healing” is actually a change in the value system. On the one hand, we are “calculators”, and on the other hand, we are beings with built-in moral norms that we need to find in ourselves and realize in our way of life. It sounds like a contradiction. However, this very ability to “calculate” is a mechanism whose goal is to protect the basic value – life. Even the simplest living organisms have it. We will see that the same mechanisms exist, for example, in the psychology of fleas.

The psychology of fleas

            All organisms have a self-limiting tendency if they are faced with negative experience and failure. Let’s take a look at fleas, for example. If a dog full of fleas runs into your house, they will immediately jump out and spread around the house. A flea can jump half a room in one jump. Some idle researchers, who had nothing better to do, decided to investigate limiting beliefs in fleas, so they put them in a jar and closed it with a lid. The fleas jumped so high that they kept hitting the lid. However, even the fleas got “tired” of constantly hitting their heads against the lid, and they “realized” that they would start to faint by constantly hitting the lid. So they started jumping to an inch below the cover. External factors have formed even the beliefs of fleas. However, what is interesting to us humans is that the fleas only continued to jump up to a certain height even when the lid was removed. “Life experience” has taught them not to jump too high. Yes, the fleas made the “it’s not worth it” calculation and reinforced the behavior that pays off (pain avoidance skill and strategy). The first flea that would think to test reality again, to take risks, would discover that circumstances have changed and could become a “flea psychotherapist” or a “life coach”, a trainer of life skills. Why don’t fleas do that? Because they have developed a strategy that “does the job” and brings them some benefit (pain avoidance). It’s better to jump as much as you want, except when you hit your head on the lid of the jar you’re locked in. The fleas got used to the “consolation prize” – “it seems stupid, but my head doesn’t hurt anymore”.

            Yes, pain as a feeling serves to protect life, to warn of danger, but not to overprotect and destroy its essence – an expansive force that tends to develop according to its internal program. If you put armor on a child to protect it from mosquitoes, you have not protected him, you have done more harm than good. We have already said that everything in life costs something. Development costs energy investment, risk of pain. Whoever wanted to learn to walk must have fallen on their “butt” more than once. Therefore, if we want to respect the life force in us (and other living beings), and its development program (development of potential through the realization of life’s tasks), we will achieve legal profit (self-actualization, self-respect, joy of living, happiness). If we want to “do business with life in the dark”, to avoid paying bills (effort, energy, time, commitment…) and taxes (risk, pain, discomfort, fear…) we will build “schemes”, life strategies for doing business ” illegally”, with the hope that “we will not be caught” (repressing into the unconscious). But we cannot deceive the life force. It has its own program, it strives for expansion and the realization of the program, like a flowing river and, when it encounters a dam, it pushes to find a way out. Vortexes (psychological problems) are created around dams and obstacles. The counter force that will keep the force of life from breaking out into a person’s behavior must be great, requiring great energy and effort. “If we don’t pay on the road, we will pay on the bridge.” In fact, doing business illegally does not pay off. You might save some money on taxes, but you are constantly on the lookout and you have to put in a lot of effort not to get caught. The laws of psychodynamics say that a lie does not pay off, because it “squeezes out” psychological “health”, vitality. We heard from many “businessmen” with whom we spoke during these chaotic years in our society that they “can’t wait for things to settle down in this country (Serbia), so that they can, as normal people, do business legally and make a living from it.” Freud (Breuer, J., Freud, S., 1895) spoke about how psychoanalysis can free a person from “neurotic misery” (neurotic defenses, lying to oneself, “illegal” emotional accounting), but not from “everyday misfortunes” (“legitimate suffering”, life risks and painful conditions).

We cannot defend ourselves against the demands of the life force without consequences. It does not allow us not to develop it, to not develop our potentials without consequences. It does not allow us to be satisfied with less than what its program is (the potentials we carry within us). Not developing our own potential is a sin and for that our life force punishes us (“Hell is the inability to love”). We have the freedom of choice – not to realize our potential and pay for it with negative feelings (unrealization, unfulfillment, depression, despair, neurosis. ..) or to realize our potentials and pay the “legal” price of development (effort) and taxes (risk, pain of failure, fears… “normal” negative feelings – sadness, pain, anger…legitimate suffering) and get “legal” reward (feeling of fulfillment, joy of living, calmness, happiness). In this way, ethics based on biophilia (love for life) is embedded in us. Could someone feel like a fulfilled person because they realized their potential for evil, for destroying life, for making people miserable? Of course not. At least we have not met such a person, nor heard that such a person exists. Can we develop self-love by doing evil to others? Does it lead us to self-esteem? If we want good feelings, then we cannot do evil (unless, in part, if some “faith” convinces us that some evil we do is aimed at achieving some much greater good).

Stephen Weiberg, a physicist, says: “Good people will do good and bad people will do evil, regardless of whether they are believers or not. However, in order for good people to do evil, faith is needed”. A conviction is needed that this evil produces a much greater good. However, even faith cannot deceive our body. We, on an unconscious level, identify with the victim and, in this way, do the same to ourselves as we do to the victim. By doing evil, manipulating other people, a person can experience certain “positive” feelings – a feeling of power, for example. Power to rule over others. But it is known that the feeling of power separates us from pleasure. By diminishing others, we diminish ourselves. We cannot elevate ourselves through power without diminishing others – thereby diminishing ourselves again. Why is it that people who strive for power are never satisfied with the level of power they have achieved? Why do they always want more and more? Their calculation is wrong. Power does not lead them to true satisfaction (satisfaction in love for themselves and others, in the joy of communication, in the calmness that doing good brings with it…). They do not realize that the problem is in the chosen means and bad calculation, but they think that there is no satisfaction because they don’t have enough power, so they try to get more.

Why can’t we feel good doing evil? Why can’t we feel good if we don’t develop our potentials? If I believe that it is good to do evil, if my goal is to achieve evil, why don’t I feel good when I achieve my goal? If I like not to develop, if I hate to develop, then what makes me feel displeasure about staying fixed in place? If I have free will, why can’t I choose to feel the way I want to about my decision and choice. This is how it turns out that free will is not free at all. “All things are given to man (the ability to choose), but not everything is to his advantage,” it is said in the scriptures. That “not everything is to his advantage” means, in fact, that he is not able not to feel the consequences of his choice if he chooses to go against God, or the program of the life force in him, the ethics embedded in the core of his being. Therefore, the ethics of our life force embedded in its development program does not allow us not to develop without consequences, nor to do evil without consequences. Looking from that point of view, life is just and punishments for our sins towards it reach us even here, in the “earthly kingdom” – through lack of self-esteem, self-love, bad feelings, unfulfillment, psychological problems, “neurotic sufferings”… The only way to avoid punishment for sins against life is to realize our potentials for good – for doing good towards life in general, towards our own life, our potentials and the potentials of other people. Simply put, to be good people. That is the only good “calculation”. Everything else is “…vanity, vanity and only vanity…”, as the prophet said in the Bible. Any emotional accounting that is not based on these basic “rules” of the life force leads to wrong “business policies” and poor results in dealing with life.

Basically, everything we just said in this way was also said in psychoanalytic theory. Is it about “libido” or some unnamed life force… it is clear that it has some potentials that strive for realization, that it goes through certain developmental stages according to its internal program, that it accomplishes some of its developmental tasks, and that stopping those forces and failure to realize its development program leads to disorders or diseases. Thousands of pages have been written to explain these processes. Numerous “languages” were developed, with words and expressions that serve scientists to better understand each other, but they became more and more incomprehensible to the “ordinary” world, the laymen. The ability to make analogies with one’s own experience has been diminished by the complicating theories and the development of linguistic entanglements that may have made communication easier for scientists but made it more difficult for laymen. If I am a layman, it is difficult for me to understand how my unconscious oral impulses and libido investments are fixed for the oral stage of libido development and that I achieve a certain secondary profit with my dependent behavior, but I would understand more easily if I calculated how it is more profitable for me to ” hang on the breast”, to be dependent on it, instead of exposing myself to the risk of becoming independent, “testing” myself in the fight for “my place under the sun”. “Hanging on the breast” is a skill that some people would find difficult to learn (or remember), and for some it comes easily. The breast-hanged people “operate illegally” and hope, or believe that it will pay off, that they will not pay “taxes”. But, they always pay it, sooner or later, and then they turn for help when the bills (difficulties) arrive, believing that they can, “through the connections”, avoid punishment (that the psychotherapist cures them without them changing, without making an effort in developing their potential, fulfilling development tasks, without exposing themselves to the risk of failure…).

For many years we have worked with very successful business people and wondered how they could understand business processes so well, yet not understand those same processes in “emotional businesses” with their partner or children. We started using business terminology to be able to draw analogies between their disjointed experiences in different areas of life. When, through conversations about their love life, we would ask questions using the vocabulary of business, they understood us much better. “Is it possible to make a profit without investments?” (love is profit), “Does greater profit come with increased risk?” (trust in the relationship, greater attachment to the partner, risk of loss, fraud…). However, we have noticed that people who are not involved in business understand us better. We all have some “jobs”, we exchange “goods” (emotions, services…) and make a certain profit (satisfy some of our needs). People understand that language because it is relevant to them, because we are all in some exchanges and we understand well the language of exchange, gain and loss, profitability and unprofitability, pleasantness and unpleasantness.

Some people are skilled in business in one area, in work or profession, others in emotional business…but, in any successful business, very similar principles apply and can be transferred from one area to another, if for some reasons we do not separate those areas life and we refuse to make analogies – we do not generalize experiences and principles. This means that we are fragmented, that we are not whole, that our “territorial integrity” is violated, that is, that our personality is not one whole territory, but is split into regions where different rules and laws apply. One part of the state – of our personality – flourishes, while the other lives in poverty and decays. Since all parts of the personality live in the same body and experience emotions through the same body, they cannot have separate “cash registers”, so the result of their emotional life is linked to the success in the emotional economy of all parts. Accounting shows a poor overall balance, regardless of which part of the “country” is doing poorly. It is in accordance to the folk song: “They loved each other, the poor and the poor ” – they invested everything in their emotional life, but they are unable to feed themselves, they have no skills, knowledge, competence, or according to the other song by Đole Balašević about Vasa Ladačka: “Everything he had, but nothing in fact… ” (he had money, but not love), both calculations give suffering as an outcome. We come to the question of harmonizing different needs, conflicting motives and more complex calculations in emotional accounting.

More details about the numerous techniques from different psychotherapy schools that can be used in the development of tolerance to ambivalence can be found in the book “The ability to love and work – OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy” (Jovanović, 2013), “Collections of techniques for the development of basic emotional competences” (Cmiljanović, Škorić 2022) and the manual for using ALFA projective cards (Jovanović-Đorđević, S. 2018).

Will – the engine of the psyche

It is remarkable how few articles and books deal with the will in the voluminous psychoanalytic literature. We could almost find more texts about anything else related to the psychic life of man. It is as if the will has been banished from psychoanalysis, unmasked and devalued as a “counterphobic maneuver”, “reactionary formation” or some other trick of the ego in the struggle with unconscious unacceptable contents. On the other hand, the voices of eminent analysts are heard that psychoanalysis is in crisis precisely because of its failure to solve the problem of will and decision-making (Rollo May, 1966 ^[132]). Many eminent psychologists and psychoanalysts who themselves have undergone psychoanalysis share this opinion. Silvan Tomkins (according to Rollo May, 1966), a famous psychologist from Princeton, who was in psychoanalysis for nine years, says: “Psychoanalysis is a systematic training for indecisiveness.” If we believe that for the process of “healing”, moving towards a more mature way of life, it is necessary for the client to make some decisions, take some active responsibility, then we have to ask ourselves if there is something in psychoanalysis itself that diminishes the will. Where do such accusatory statements as Karl Krauss’ statement: “Psychoanalysis is, in fact, a disease for which psychotherapy should be the cure” come from? How did such a situation came about? Allen Wheelis (1956 ^[133]), a sensitive analyst of the Freudian school, writes: “Among the sophisticated, the use of the term ‘willpower’ has become a sign of naivety.” It has gone out of fashion to try to get out of the state of neurotic misery by one’s own efforts. The stronger the will, the more likely it will be labeled a “counterphobic maneuver.” The unconscious overpowered the will. Just as, before psychoanalysis, the will determined the fate of man, now his fate is determined by the repressed mental life.”

The idea that insight, awareness of unconscious content, will lead to change without the need to engage will, courage and responsibility is slowly fading. Insight, it seems, is not enough. Change requires courage, and courage can only exist in the service of the will. In addition to courage, it is necessary to strengthen the will. It is “like a muscle” that needs training to become strong.

Rank showed in his works that the will is also a respectable psychic function in the development of the ego and a creative, organizing and synthesizing function of the self. Connecting the will with creativity, Rank (1932 ^[134]) attributed to the will a positive line of development that leads to the achievement of the highest form of human creation – the creation of personality. Rank saw the neurotic as a failed artist, an artist who failed to create his most constructive creation – the self. He sees the need to create one’s own personality or a work of art in a broader context as the need to create an immortal self and, from that point of view, begins to describe it not as a pathology, but as the source of all human aspirations and success. The desire for immortality is universally human and not pathological, not the product of a “grandiose quest for personal indestructibility” that would disappear with the resolution of the narcissistic aspirations of the grandiose self. Such aspirations exist independently of the presence or absence of early traumas (“narcissistic pathology”) and it is more accurate to see them as phenomena arising from the non-pathological self (creative will) than as the consequences of “grandiose reparation”. The need to create oneself or a work of art is, according to Rank, original, not related to pathology. The instrument of that creativity is the human will, “which can manifest negatively as inhibition (control) or as creative energy “that moves, gives direction and purposefulness.”

According to Rank, the line of development of the human will, from its rudimentary beginnings at the appropriate age, when it manifests itself in opposition to the will of others, reaches its highest level through a successful transformation into a fully developed positive will characterized by the capacity to support ideals created by the person themselves.

Rank outlined several stages along the line of will development:

            The first developmental phase of the will development manifests itself as a “counter will” , as an “I won’t” that opposes the will of others and what “must” be done.^[135]The second phase, the phase of positive expression of will, refers to the fact that someone wants to do what he has to do (“what has to be done, has to be done”). The third, creative phase, refers to the fact that a person is willing to do what they want (achieving their own goals).

Pathology of will

            The pathology of the will is central to Rank’s (1929-31) theory of neurosis. Early developmental disorders in self-object relations play a role in will pathology (neurosis) as well as in narcissistic pathology. If we compare narcissism and will through the dimension of connection with the object, we can say that the feeling of self (narcissistic development) is a function of the empathic capacity of the “mirroring” object (the empathic ability of the parent to reflect the feelings of the child), while the creation of the individualized self (development of the will) is a function of the capacity to separate ourselves from archaic objects. While the empathic capacity of the caregiver is functionally related to the maintenance of a cohesive narcissistic structure, the ambivalence of the self toward love objects is functionally related to the pathology of the will.

In neurosis, the will is not free to keep its own direction, guided by freely chosen, ethically formed ideals (Rank, 1972 ^[136]). Instead, the will is subjugated by formed ideals attached to archaic objects toward which the person has ambivalent feelings. (Kainer, 1979 ^[137]). Just as the failure to develop and maintain a cohesive narcissistic structure manifests itself through the persistence (at an inappropriate age) of the formation of an idealized parental representation and archaic grandiosity, a failure to develop a will manifests itself through an age-inappropriate arbitrary will and a will that turns against the self. Rank says: “a neurotic is a person who exercises their creative will exclusively within their ego…which shows that they cannot accept themselves as they are… they are more occupied with the exercise of arbitrariness than with the achievement of some ultimate goal…” (Rank, 1972). Rank called arbitrary will towards others and oneself (will turned against the self) “counter-will ” and considered it a developmental failure of a person to reach a higher level of self-realized, individualized self.

Neurosis, therefore, is an indicator of failure to accept and overcome the “conscientiousness of duty” through the “willing affirmation of what is necessary.” The pathology of the development of the will, as manifested through neurosis, is characterized by a refusal to accept the obligations set by the world or by one’s own self. “The individual perceives external demands and norms as a compulsion that must be constantly resisted” (Rank, 1972). Thus closed in the stage of counter-will, they are unable to affirm the ideals that belong to themselves. The neurotic is blocked in creating themselves, caught between the need to arbitrarily resist the will of others and the failure to create and validate their own ideals. We could say that a healthy will is an engine (stable energy) that moves in the direction of individuation (“life at one’s own expense”), while a pathological will is one that leads to some form of dependence and parasitism on another (“life at someone else’s expense”, emotionally, financially…).  

 

Will and guilt

            Rank believed that the individual has the need to create a world for themselves in which they will be completely self-determined and autonomous. The main difficulty that blocks the movement towards such a goal is, according to Rank, the guilt that appears as a result of separation from the group. Rank saw will and guilt as two sides of the same phenomenon.^[138]He criticized the tendency of psychoanalysts to overemphasize the impact of insight, of increasing awareness, neglecting to help the person to bear that awareness and develop the will to implement the changes that should result from that expanded awareness. He understood that the common person seeks a balance between cognition (self-awareness), their own will and the projection of their will into the institutions of society. They have the need to discard parts of their self-awareness and their own will by projecting it onto another person or into institutions. For example, we pay taxes for the police so that there is some order and protection of society, and then we are furious when we get a speeding ticket. We have projected this need for control onto the “government” and we no longer feel it as a part of us. Or vice versa, we feel great pride if our team wins, even though we didn’t contribute anything to that victory.

When we cannot bear a certain self-awareness, a part of ourselves that needs to be dealt with, that needs to be embodied, we project our will onto others or into institutions. Then we deny or accept that function of ours through the feelings we have towards the institution on which we projected it . In this way, we achieve that we do not have to deal with that part of ourselves alone. It is a kind of attempt to create an extended parent-child bond, a state of irresponsibility that stops individuation (Rank 1945). Why would anyone do that? Why do we stop our own individuation by projecting our own will onto others?

Rank believed that the will develops through a process of separation-individuation that is always accompanied by a certain level of anxiety. The will is manifested through the process of separation and individuation and develops in the direction of the creative expression of the will through the fulfillment of one’s own goals. By taking responsibility for the insights we achieved, taking the burden of responsibility for our own development. Often, as psychotherapists, we will encounter the question that clients ask when they come to an insight: “So, what now…what should I do with it?”.

Insight does not bring change by itself. Change requires taking responsibility for further actions, the willing participation of a person. It requires separation, separation from the need for others to do something for us. The separation from the mother is initial, and then it is repeated through all subsequent independences in life that strive towards “higher goals”. Rank spoke of the “cosmic primal force” that initiates the process of individuation, not as a mystical force, but as an energy of development that is especially manifested in human beings due to self-awareness and the ability to choose. Rank called such manifestations creative, not only adaptive, and called them phenomena of the will. Through the mechanisms of internalization and identification, a person brings others into themselves. But, to those identifications, the person adds their own, original individuality, and thus a new, independent power is created, which the person turns to the outside world and manifests as will. Manifestations of will begin in the early years of life, as we have already said, as a negative will. Like a child’s “No”, “I won’t do that”, those are the beginnings of the process of separation from the mother and the development of autonomy and individuation. Rank does not attribute it to any special phase in the development of libido (anal), but considers negation as the psychological birth of the child’s autonomous self. Every separation is a manifestation of the will for individuation. What stops the process of separation also stops the development of the will.

The problem is that separation also has negative implications. It brings with it anxiety. Anxiety about losing the dependance and guilt towards the person we are dependent to. The exercise of will is accompanied by anxiety and guilt. It’s not that hard to see why separation is a source of anxiety (loss of protection), but why is it a source of guilt? In order to understand this concept, we must deal with Rank’s conception of “ethics” in humans. He was not referring to “morality”, nor to what we usually call “the dictates of the Super Ego”. For him, “ethics” describes a key aspect of human connection. It is an expression of the biologically given capacity to connect with others through empathy for the other’s situation . The ethical dimension begins with the mother-child relationship. Because the child was one with the mother, it is capable of empathic identification with her. But it also wants to become a separate individual through assertive acts of will, which threatens the union with the mother and empathic identification with her. The result is guilt in the child. Guilt is an inevitable aspect of growing up. It is not guilt because we have done something wrong, nor because of forbidden instinctual desires. It is an existential guilt that is an inevitable part of human life – the guilt of individuation ( individuation is the breaking of an earlier form of attachment, abandonment ).

            Fear and guilt are, therefore, inevitable guests at the birthday of human individuation. Their balance is a strong need for living their own life and fulfillment of the potential for their own uniqueness – will. “To be or not to be” can actually be transformed into “To want or not to want”. The individual who succeeds in separation is also faced with another duality: mortality and immortality. Awareness of life brings with it the other side of the coin – awareness of mortality. The fear of death and its opposite, the desire for immortality, lead, according to Rank, to the fullest expression of life through the functioning of the creative will. Such manifestation occurs not only in artists whose creativity reaches the “criteria of immortality”, but also in average people, through the function of will in creating one’s own self, building a personality and affirming life as well as its inevitable companion – death. Rank describes such affirmation through the expression “willing acceptance of necessity”. Voluntary acceptance is a positive act of the will. Necessity is the nature of life itself, which includes death.

            A characteristic of neurotics is the inability to willingly affirm one’s own will as well as the inevitable aspects of life. Therefore, the goal of therapy is to free the individual from the fear and guilt that inhibit such affirmation. In other words, to free the person’s will. In this sense, it can be said that Rank’s therapeutic goal is more constructivist than analytical . It is aimed at individual development, at the construction of the self, rather than at the exploration and interpretation of psychological content. Rank’s emphasis is on experiencing oneself in a new relationship (with the therapist), a relationship whose character is such that it helps the individual to accept, rather than reject, their “acts of will”.Change occurs through the exercise of voluntary choices, and the client is helped by identifying with the therapist’s acceptance of their unique will. In this way, psychotherapy becomes a learning process in an emotional sense. The client learns to recognize and affirm the manifestations of their true self as will, in the mirror of the other – therapist. This, of course, recalls Kohut’s concept of “mirroring” as a normal part of development in the mother-child relationship and as a restoration aspect of psychotherapy. Rank also attributed individual difficulties in achieving autonomy in the development of the self and will to inadequate reflection through the acceptance of the child by the mother. Since such mirroring is essential for the development of the ego, separation from the mother is, when there is no adequate reflection-mirroring, difficult due to the child’s anxiety and hope that such acceptance will still occur – which keeps it tied to the mother . The therapist’s acceptance of the client’s will is a response to that hope. Once client receives the “nutrients” necessary for adequate development of the self, it is their responsibility to use the will in the service of personal development and understanding of the inevitably conflicting nature of human life. A good parent is one from whom children can walk away without feeling too guilty. This also applies to the therapist. Nurturing is preparation for separation.

Understanding the will beyond psychoanalysis

Psychosynthesis by Roberto Assagioli

            Will is a key concept within the psychotherapy school, which its founder Roberto Assagioli (1973 ^[139]) called “Psychosynthesis”. Will, according to him, is an internal force that leads us to self-realization. It is “the central element and direct expression of the Ego or Self”. Assagioli states three stages of will: 1. Recognizing that a will exists, 2. Having a will and 3. Being a will.

Before we recognize that the will even exists, we can live in a state of inauthenticity in which our activities are based on social expectations, without taking into account, or even without awareness of our own assessment of the circumstances. We feel completely at the mercy of external stimuli, we feel that life is simply “happening” to us and our only form of response is to react. From that state of unconsciousness of our own will, the recognition that our will exists can be a transformational experience, because it moves us into the reality of possibility, and therefore hope. It also brings with it a sense of personal responsibility that comes from recognizing that we have a certain degree of control over those internal and external experiences that shape our lives. In the psychotherapy process, recognizing that we have a stake in how we feel, that we are active creators of our personality traits and symptoms, can lead to the awakening of hope for change and the will to do what is necessary to make the change happen. The final stage of the development of the will is the feeling that we are the will. It feels like knowing that, deep within us, our self and our will are intimately connected. Beyond that level of personal awareness, a higher, transpersonal self can be discovered , says Assagioli. By recognizing the connection between the individual will and the “Transpersonal Will” we become connected to the spiritual aspects of our being. At these highest levels, connection is felt as a voluntary joining of the individual will to the universal will, to universal principles that are experienced as higher than the individual self.

Assagioli identified six steps in all acts of will :

• : determining what we want to do or what our needs are.
• using wisdom to choose between options.
• : what action is most important at that moment.
• staying connected to the decision.
• determining the best way to achieve a goal.
• Directing energy through the steps or actions necessary to achieve a goal.

            With each of these steps a person may have certain problems, and each of the steps can be practiced through training of the will. Such procedures are what is usually missing in psychodynamic schools, and can be found in many protocols of Success psychology, often in books of so-called popular psychology, and they can find adequate application in the psychotherapy process (protocols for defining goals, creating an action plan, time management, etc. Part of such procedures is presented in the book “Live or scrape” (Jovanović, N. 2006 ^[140]), and they are an integral part of the “Life Strategies” protocol that is applied in the OLI method). It often happens, in our psychotherapy practice, that these very methods lead to a change in the client’s functioning. Of course, in combination with a psychodynamic approach. Setting goals and training the will does not lead to results if a person is not able to recognize what they really want, what their original needs are. When they recognize them, many resistances to change can appear. Out of fear, guilt, or other reasons. And that needs to be worked on. But, even when these obstacles are overcome, a lack of certain will skills can appear as a problem, the skill of clearly defining goals and making a plan to achieve them, the skill of time management, the skill of maintaining motivation… The “techniques” of the Psychology of success can help in this situations. We have seen that “I will” does not appear before a person experiences a realistic “I can.” Decomposing the goal into tasks distributed over time and specifying a specific plan of action can promote the feeling of “I can”, and thus the initiation of the will – “I will”. Will requires not only strength, but also skill.

            Assagioli also identified four aspects of developed will: 1. Strong will, 2. Skilled will, 3. Good will and 4. Transpersonal will. It could be said that strong will and skillful will are manifestations of will at the individual level, while good will and transpersonal will are attitudes or values that we attach to how we use strong will or skillful will. Let’s see what Assagioli meant by those terms.

            Strong will is something similar to the Victorian concept of “will power” which is associated with strength and energy. However, this power, if used without skillful will and good will, can also be harmful. For example, breaking a locked door may be unnecessary if the window is open. “Success” that a person achieves at the cost of hurting friends or family often results in a “Pyrrhic victory.” A person may have a strong will to “have it their way”, but making missteps like a “fly without a head” or hurting people along the way. Strong, skillful and good will must be developed and balanced in order to make a fully developed will.

            From what we have stated so far about the basic abilities that develop before the will (the ability to neutralize, tolerate frustration and ambivalence, the object constancy and wholeness), it is not difficult to conclude that defects in the development of these abilities can be reflected in the aspects of the developed will that Assagioli talks about. . For example, a person with an underdeveloped frustration tolerance may have a strong will – determination to achieve something they want, but will be extremely frustrated by the difficulties that arise during realization. They will probably be impatient and hasty in their desire to reach the goal as soon as possible. Difficulties can discourage them and lead them to give up on everything that is not going smoothly, but it can also enrage them and lead them to try to satisfy their need at any cost – by force. If the ability to neutralize is underdeveloped, such a person will experience rage attacks (or “love” attacks – the need for a loved one without paying attention to the needs of that person) in the face of frustration. A person’s ego, overwhelmed by instincts, will not be able to think rationally because it is overwhelmed by unneutralized energy. Such a person will not be able to delay gratification, to plan, to develop the skills needed to reach the goal. Undeveloped ambivalence tolerance can lead to a person not being able to accept the opposite feelings that appear when the desired goal is not immediately and easily achieved, and their ego will have to resort to some of the immature defense mechanisms against ambivalence. Most likely splitting. If they resort to splitting, the person or the goal towards which their desires are directed will be “torn” into partial objects as well as the ego of the person using the splitting. The other person (toward which the volitional act is directed) will not even be perceived as a person, but as a means to satisfy the desire (as a partial object) and so will be treated as such. The lack of object constancy can affect the fact that acts of will of a person are “short-lived”. Stormy, but fast-burning. We will deal with the connection between the influence of previous abilities on the development of will and other more complex abilities in detail later.

            What is important to clarify when analyzing a person’s will is its direction on the parasitism-individuation continuum. Do acts of will lead to separation and individuation, or do they lead to a person using the power of their will to parasitize on another (force, control, manipulation…). If the will does not go in the developmental direction of individuation, it can go, as Erikson said, in two wrong directions: malignancy or maladaptation. Malignancy is listlessness, lack of will, and maladaptation is the use of strong will for the purpose of manipulating others – for the purpose of parasitism. For this reason, we believe it would be adequate to add to this Assagioli stage the two attributes that determine its direction: “parasitic-manipulative strong will” and “strong will for individuation”.

Skilled Will: Another aspect of will is skill. This ability allows us to stimulate, regulate and direct other aspects of our being , our emotions, thoughts, impulses, intuition, imagination and sensations, in order to achieve the desired goal. This aspect of the will allows us to choose activities that are in accordance with our internal attributes , to explore unconscious motives and blocks that influence our behavior, as well as to devise adequate ways to realize goals. We can say that the concept of skillful will combines and balances conation with cognition and emotions. However, skillful will can also be parasitic-manipulative, aimed at the skillful use of other persons (for example, in persons with narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy…). It can be “parasitic – manipulative skillful will” and “individualizing skillful will”.

            Good will is a synthesis of love and will . Therefore, good will can be developed by choosing goals that are consistent with the welfare of others and the general good of humanity . Unlike strong will and skillful will, which can be developed intrapersonally, without regard for others, good will, as well as transpersonal will and universal will, can only be developed interpersonally. Reaching this stage of the development of the will ( for which it is necessary to overcome the basic dilemma of ambivalence – “living on one’s own account”, without exploiting others) strengthens the will in the direction of individuation.

            Transpersonal Will: Beyond Livingof our lives on the level of personality, we can have the experience of higher realities: “Transpersonal self”. (This notion has similarities with Erikson’s generativity, the need that appears after the acquisition of identity, the aspiration to extend identity to others, to the common good…) and its expression through “Transpersonal Will”. (oftenperceived as “enlightenment” in a religious experience, or as a prompting or call from some higher power or meaning). In engaging in a profession, the profession is perceived as a “calling”, the realization of one’s own mission.

            All aspects of willpower can be strengthened with training and practice. The will is strengthened by the use of the will, acts of the will . However, despite our efforts towards development, obstacles may appear on that path – resistance. Some aspects of our personality can cloud our awareness or scatter our attention. What can best keep the will on the path of development is the meaning we find in the goals we set before ourselves. In psychotherapy, it often happens that the ultimate goal, the purpose of development, the purpose of the effort of will is lost sight of, and that the therapist focuses too much on the means of reaching the ultimate goal, while forgetting about the purpose, the meaning behind the ultimate goal of the therapeutic process. The goal of psychoanalysis is not to discover what in the past led to the neurosis. It is a means to an end. If end and means are confused, psychodynamic psychotherapies can lead to “therapy-induced neurosis”. Awareness of the ultimate goal should encourage the will to change.

            The will can be stimulated in two ways. The first is the therapist’s attitude , which is aimed at stimulating the will of the client (not only analyzing and leading them to insight), by seeing them and discovering in them a person with strength, capable of initiating and creating something of their own free will. Today, the average client has significant weakness of will. On the one hand, clients need someone to “heal” them (without changing them). However, at the same time, they fear that someone will change them against their will. That the therapist will apply his will to bring about the changes he thinks should happen. Those clients who really want change are afraid of such a possibility because they feel that “healing” does not mean changing under someone else’s will, but the development of one’s own will and “healing” from within, by one’s own will. That will to “heal” can be stimulated by various therapeutic means. One of them is to break the self-perpetuating vicious circle that the client creates with their compulsive self-observation and preoccupation with symptoms. Encouraging the client to think about new possibilities, expanding that narrow preoccupation with symptoms, can encourage their will to change. The client will want to be “healed” if they manage to give meaning to their healing, if they feel that healing for them means that some part of them that they feel is valuable will be expressed, realized. The will to “heal” is a function of the will to live. In order to feel it and be strong, a person must believe that life has a meaning, and that this meaning is positive, constructive, good . This reminds us of what Viktor Frankl (1987 ^[141]) called the “will for meaning” which is reflected through the acceptance of life, through faith in life itself, through “the courage to wake up” (Tillich, 1952 ^[142]). That act of faith is an ingredient of a real act of will and, as such, is creative and directed towards directing life according to the conditions in which it will show its good, positive and constructive side. The will to change is influenced by the belief that change is possible and that it has meaning . Not only the client’s faith, but also the therapist’s . The stronger the therapist’s belief in the client’s ability to change, the greater his commitment and, as if by a process of osmosis, the client’s confidence in their own progress increases, and thus their will becomes stronger.

            Love is another aspect of the will to “heal”. Being “healthy” means living healthy with others, in relationships of love and cooperation, overcoming egoism, selfishness. At that level, the will to heal means the will to love, to harmonize the individual will with the will of others, with the laws of life, with the “higher will”. It is no longer just an individual will that strives only to satisfy its own needs and express itself. It is a will that rules itself, controls itself by aligning itself with higher principles, the will of other people and the “universal will”.

            Another way for the therapist to encourage the client’s will is to teach them active techniques designed to develop will. There are, for example, various “useless” exercises, which have no practical purpose other than exercising the will. Then, exercises of disidentification with the “disease”, taking the attitude “I have a disease, but I am not that disease”.

            In every psychotherapeutic situation, the essential task of the therapist is to call the client’s will for “healing”, to arouse it if it is lacking, to strengthen it if it is weak, and to direct it and teach it skills to achieve the goals of the person with whom he works. When the client begins to manage it themselves, the task of the therapist is to skillfully and wisely gradually withdraw. Appropriate withdrawal is also essential to the success of psychotherapy as is appropriate guidance at the beginning. (As in parenting. A good parent knows when to step back and let the child go and live independently.)

To these Assagioli’s recommendations for working with the will, we will add that, through the exercise of the will, the will must always be analyzed – which means regularly monitoring its direction. Are the client’s activities for which they have a will, or they are developing it, exercising… directed at the individuation, or at manipulation – parasitism. The position on the basic dilemma of manipulation-actualization ambivalence is usually not so firm, and there are frequent oscillations (regression), so it is necessary to monitor them, observe them, and confront the client when regression and reversal of the direction of will appear.

Unlike psychoanalysis, which did not develop a special methodology for encouraging and developing the will (although expanding awareness can influence the initiation of the will, as well as a good “working alliance” between the client and the therapist, then a “corrective emotional experience” in the relationship with the analyst…), psychotherapies that arose from psychoanalysis paid more attention to this.

            Gestaltists emphasize the client’s assumption of responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, actions and change, transactional therapists make “contracts on specific change” with clients… In psychosynthesis, numerous “techniques” have been developed for training the will, “gymnastics of the will” and so on. Will has a central place in psychosynthesis. Assagioli says: “A weak-willed man is like a straw on the ocean, carried by every wave, a wind pointer, turned by every breath of wind.” He is a slave not only to the will of others and external circumstances, but also to his own drives and desires. “

            But it is not enough for the will to be strong. Such a will is subject to errors and excesses that can lead to individual burnout and dangerous reactions. There are psychological laws that are as true as natural laws, and their neglect or violation inevitably leads to serious consequences. “We can often see strong-willed people who abuse their will, exaggerate their efforts, or use methods that are too aggressive, resulting in internal and external conflicts and disturbed relationships or psychological disorders. Instead, by using more skillful and harmonious ways, based on knowledge of how the psyche works, they could create a much easier way to deal with opposing forces and use them constructively to achieve desired goals with a minimum of effort.” From these sentences of Assagioli, we can also see that in the process of developing the will, education about how a person functions, as well as interpersonal relationships, life… which is one of the methodological assumptions of the OLI method can be very useful. Entering the unconscious is necessary, mostly necessary. But direct education about the “rules of the game” called life is also needed, as well as the most direct training of certain life skills. Learning about these necessary life skills has been woven into the “OLI psychodynamic life coaching” education program.

            Even when a will is equipped with both strength and skill, it is not yet a complete will, nor is it always helpful. As such, it can even be a harmful weapon if directed, consciously or unconsciously, towards evil ends. It can be very dangerous socially. A person of strong will and skill can use their abilities to overpower or corrupt the will of others. Someone who doesn’t care about anyone, who is not afraid of anything, and whose activities are not limited by some internal moral norms, feelings of love or attachment, can have a destructive influence on other people, on society, and even on humanity . There are also moral and spiritual laws which are no less solid than physical and psychological laws, although their manifestation is more subtle and less obvious. The well-known laws of action and reaction, rhythm and balance, which rule the physical world, also rule in the moral and spiritual area. Those who do evil also attract evil to themselves, those who are violent and mean necessarily cause violence and cruelty against themselves. “The will must be good , just as it is necessary to be strong and skillful, to be a complete will,” says Assagioli. The most important question is how to develop such a will?

            Will is often confused with strong urges, with persistence or stubbornness, with impulses, intense external or internal activity. Often people appreciate or admire strong-willed individuals, businessmen who have built wealth through strong will, authoritative generals, explorers who face dangers and difficult situations… However, very often, such people do not possess strong will, but are “possessed” by their own drives, needs such as greed for money, craving for sensations, popularity or adventure. The discovery of one’s own, authentic will is perhaps the most significant and decisive event in a person’s life. The will is the central force of our individuality.

            Techniques for the development of the will from Assagioli’s psychosynthesis, gestalt, as well as forms of manipulation of the will are presented in the book “Capacity for love and work-OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy” (Jovanović, 2013) and “Collections of techniques for the development of basic emotional competences” (Cmiljanović, Škorić , 2022)

 

OLI method and working with the will

            Working with the will can produce results only if the previous basic emotional competences are sufficiently developed. Only when the will strengthened its basic direction – towards individuation, can the techniques of working with the will be effective. In practice, however, it often happens that the direction of the will wavers (that the client falls into regressive states). In such situations or periods, we use “will direction analysis”. It consists in monitoring what the client invests their energy, effort and will into. What direction do these activities turn to – towards separation and individuation, or towards parasitism, hanging on to others, manipulation… When fluctuations in direction are noticed (returning to a state of ambivalence), we stop working on the tasks of developing the will, but return to the analysis of ambivalence.

            As working with the will in the OLI method also involves learning different skills for setting and achieving goals, we have developed certain protocols, which clients can use to work on acquiring those skills and realizing goals independently of the therapist. One of these is the “life strategy” protocol (Jovanović, N., 2006a ^[143]). This protocol is, in fact, an elaborate series of questions that serve as a guide to clients in defining goals, working out tasks, time management… in various areas of life.

In this protocol, we can clearly see that the activities that the clients do while they are workingon the protocol related to the analysis of the will (following its direction – towards individuation), recognizing ambivalence and returning to the developmental direction of the will, as well as developing will skills, motivating and maintaining will power and developing responsibility.

Initiative-starter of the psyche

What is an initiative? Dictionary definitions say: “Beginning; first movement; development of something new; a new way of approaching a problem…”, ” Responsibility for starting something , the characteristic of starting a new idea or method, the ability to think and act without the request of another person.”. “Initiative is a personality trait in which a person has the ability and tendency to initiate: to start some activity, including accepting rules and giving or helping others without being asked.”

            Initiative is, therefore, the ability to initiate, start something independently, the willingness to take the first step, as well as the responsibility for it, to endure in the activity started . Initiative is when “I recognize and do what I think needs to be done before someone asks me to”…

            How does this rare human trait develop and manifest itself? We say rare, because it is rarely seen in adults. In essence, initiative is a basic human ability present as a development potential in everyone. Like other basic abilities, initiative also has its rudimentary forms and developmental stages. A child between three and five years of age is curious and full of initiative, an investigative spirit…and then something often happens that takes away those life joys and abilities. First, the child’s curious investigative spirit faces obstacles that arise in the family, especially related to its sexual curiosity, but also to other “adventures of separation” that the parents do not approve of, and then comes the school, which mostly succeeds in “killing” the child’s intellectual curiosity and inclination towards research with its orientation towards reproductive learning. Generally, the capacity for mature initiative develops in fewer people. Most prefer to “walk the beaten path”. Erik Erikson gave us interesting insights into the crisis of the period he considered critical for the development of the initiative – as opposed to guilt.

Initiative versus guilt – Erikson’s theory

            According to Erikson’s (1985 ^[144]) theory, a mature, developed capacity for initiative is the ability to develop activities or projects, trust and belief that it is okay to do so, even if there is a risk of failure or mistakes. The basic virtues or skills involved in initiative are a sense of purpose and direction, the ability to make decisions, collaborate with and lead others, the ability to define personal direction and goals, the ability to take initiative and take appropriate risks. Although certain rudimentary forms of initiative can be seen in earlier developmental stages, according to Erikson, the decisive and critical time for the development of initiative is between 3 and 5 years of age. At this stage of life, when the child is convinced that it is an independent person (which is a consequence of the favorable development in the previous stage of acquiring autonomy between the ages of 2 and 3, which we talked about in the text on the development of autonomy and will), it must find what kind of person it will become . It is a period of exploring the world, oneself, one’s own interests and possibilities, a period of curiosity and “adventurism”.

Three new developmental possibilities support this phase: 1. The child moves more freely and can have a wider range of goals. 2. The speech develops to the extent that it can understand a lot and constantly ask questions about anything and everything. 3. Imagination develops, which can expand to many roles – even those that the child only imagines. All of this can help the child to emerge from this period with a sense of initiative, which will be the basis for a later realistic sense of ambition and purpose.

            A child at this age discovers what it can do and what it is allowed to do. It tries to understand its potential future roles, or at least to grasp which roles are worth imagining. The emergence of new opportunities requires the child to look for new solutions and take new “risks”, which creates a sense of a new crisis.

            Erikson talks about the fact that, at this stage of development, the initiative is intrusive. It is characterized by a multitude of activities and fantasies similar in appearance. This includes breaking into other bodies – by physical attack, into the ears and minds of other people (the child “pierces the ears” with its voice, interrupts others while they are speaking) – by aggressive speech; into space – with its lively movement; in the unknown – with strong curiosity . Just as autonomy and the development of the will begin with the phase of negativism, counter-will, initiative is also, in its beginnings, offensive. Some people stay at that stage of initiative development, they are loud and can’t stop talking, they do not listen, they stifle the initiative of others, they want to be the initiator of everything, to be “the boss”…

            This is also the stage of infantile sexual curiosity, genital excitability, occasional preoccupation and excessive interest in the sexual area. Of course, this “genitality” is rudimentary, but a promise, a hint of what is to come. It is often not particularly noticeable as such. We have already mentioned, in the chapter on frustration tolerance of oedipal needs, that Freud called this stage of development the phallic stage. Psychoanalysis says that the sexual orientation of the boy focuses on the phallus and its sensations, as well as that he develops an interest in the genitals of both sexes. Boys associate their first sexual interests with the mother figure, and girls with the father figure. Freud called the sexual orientation towards a parent of the opposite sex, jealousy and rivalry in relation to a parent of the same sex, fears and feelings of inferiority in relation to a parent of the same sex, the Oedipus complex. The boy feels that, in the genital area, he is inferior to his father. He also becomes aware that in the future he will not be a father in a sexual relationship with his mother. Curiosity, research, initiative in the sexual area can be experienced as dangerous.

            This stage also brings difficulties to girls. Sooner or later, they notice that they lack one thing – a penis, and with it the important privileges that it brings in some cultures (more rights to free movement, aggressiveness, dirtying, sexuality…initiative), even though they are in their other abilities just as adequate as boys (dexterity in movement, mental, social abilities), which can lead them to behave like “masculine girls”. They don’t even have breasts as an analogically tangible sign of their future. The “maternal urges” of a girl at this age are reduced to “caring for a baby doll”. On the other hand, if the mother dominates the household, the boy may develop feelings of inadequacy, because at this stage he learns that a man, although he may be successful in play and work, will never be the boss of the house, mother and older sisters. His mother and sisters can, moreover, contribute to this and lead him to the fact that the boy, due to enormous self-doubt, feels that he (with his “worm”) is really an inferior and even disgusting being. Both boy and girl are, at this age, extremely grateful for any convincing promise that one day they will be as good as father and mother – maybe even better. They are grateful for gradual and patient sexual enlightenment.

            In that period, the “modality of achievement” develops, first in the childish sense of “achieving material success”. Children, if they are not restrained by fears and guilt, enjoy competition, insisting on a goal, the satisfaction of victory. In boys, the emphasis is on achieving through a frontal attack, while girls strive to be attractive and popular. It can also turn into “catching”, winning over people with attractiveness, cuteness. In this way, the child develops the prerequisites for masculine and feminine initiative , that is, for choosing social goals and achieving them.

            The initiative stage brings anticipatory rivalry towards those who were there before them (the parent of the opposite sex) and who can thus occupy with their superior equipment the field towards which the initiative is directed. Jealousy and rivalry, necessary attempts, albeit full of resentment, to delimit the area of undisputed privilege, come to a climax in the final struggle for the position of a favorite one with one of the parents. Inevitable and necessary failure breeds feelings of guilt and anxiety. The child indulges in fantasies in which it is a giant or a tiger, but in its dreams it runs scared for its bare life. Therefore, this is the stage of fear of losing one’s head, including the fear of losing (in girls, the belief that she has already lost it) the male genital organ, as a punishment for fantasies related to infantile genital excitement. Such experiences related to original childhood initiatives, curiosity and research, can block a person’s initiative in adulthood, as they can be a potential source of energy for destructive drives. The consequences of the guilt that is awakened at this stage (expressed in the form of a deep-rooted conviction that the child as such, or the drive as such, is fundamentally bad) often show up only much later, when conflicts about initiative can be expressed through self-limitations that prevent the individual to live according to their inner potentials, or according to the power of their imagination and feelings (and sometimes in relative sexual impotence or frigidity).

All this, of course, can be further overcompensated by showing tireless “initiative” through one quality of “eternal action” at any cost. The feeling of inferiority from this stage, the “inferiority complex”, tries to compensate by eternally proving power and potency. Many adults feel that their worth as people is entirely about what they do, or even what they will do next, rather than who they are as individuals. This tension is the cause of many psychosomatic diseases.

            Initiative guilt is the feeling that it is bad or inappropriate to initiate something according to one’s own model and that it will cause disapproval. Initiative flourishes in children when the need for adventure through play is encouraged, no matter how silly what the child is doing may seem to the parents. Suppressing that thrill of adventure and experimentation (because of weather, getting dirty in the game, risks, sexual impulses behind some behavior…) will replace the initiative with fear and guilt. (Of course, in doing so, one must take into account the real danger of injury, as well as teach the child how to protect itself). Otherwise, a character attitude develops: “If I don’t initiate, if I don’t stick out, if I don’t stick my neck forward…I’ll be safe” (from guilt or feeling that I’m bad, from punishment).

Success: If it overcomes the crisis of this period in a developmentally constructive way, the child feels more “definite” , full of love, more relaxed and clearer in reasoning – vital in a completely new way. It feels that it is activated to a greater extent, as well as that it is an activator . It has a certain excess of energy that allows it to forget many failures quite quickly and to head towards new desirable areas with enthusiasm , even if they seem dangerous. The child develops a sense of purpose, curiosity and initiative. Overcoming the crisis of this stage is of great importance for the next stage in which the child develops a sense of meaning for the tasks of adults who promise (but cannot guarantee) the fulfillment of its capabilities and needs. It develops a firm belief undaunted by doubt, which is the “leitmotif” of this stage of development: “I am what I imagine I will be.” The virtue that develops is purpose, goal orientation.

Failure: If expansion and attempts at initiative in this period are accompanied by too much fear, feelings of guilt due to rivalry and sexual fantasies, there may be stagnation and giving up of the initiative. Failure to resolve this crisis leads to the strengthening of feelings of guilt, anxiety, fear for life and limbs (the so-called “castration fear” – Istood out a lot, showed my power, so they can punish me by cutting off my penis. In a girl leads to the unconscious belief that she had male genitalia, so they were cut off as a punishment for secret actions and fantasies). Initiative is lost and a “prosecutor’s conscience” develops – an inner voice that constantly watches us, accuses us, burdens us with guilt and drives us to self-punishment. This outcome of the crisis can lead to constant self-limitations that do not allow the individual to live in accordance with their capacities. Another possible solution is the initiative that is shown despite the strong feeling of guilt. The tension that is created in a person’s body can lead to “tireless efforts” to show their initiative by working tirelessly (workaholism) as if their value consists only in what they try to do. This way of solving the crisis often leads to psychosomatic illnesses.

            A sharp conscience and a sense of guilt can be reflected in the latent readiness of person stuck in this stage to follow any leader who can present the objects of victory as both impersonal (non-sexual) and magnificent enough to arouse an essentially phallic enthusiasm in people and thus facilitate their irrational feeling of guilt.

            Erikson, in later works (1982), separated maladaptations from malignancy as negative consequences of failing to overcome the crisis of a certain stage. He then called malignancies “aversions”. Disorders can turn in two directions: overemphasizing something that is good, “too much of something good” – maladaptation (only overemphasizing makes it bad, or not being considerate of others while doing it) or too little of something – malignancy or “aversion”.  When it comes to initiative versus blame, the table looks like this:

Table 1 – maladaptations and malignancies of the initiative-versus-blame crisis stage

Example	maladaptation	Crisis	malignancy	example
Exploitation of others, not being considerate of others in achieving own goals, callousness	Ruthlessness Recklessness	Initiative vs. Guilt	Inhibition	Aversion to any risk, lack of initiative

            Initiative that develops in spite of guilt, which denies guilt, can lead to heartless initiative at the expense of others, callousness…Just as, in the development of autonomy and will, autonomy gained by denying shame and doubt leads to impulsiveness characterized by recklessness towards others. The development of initiative continues and rests on the development of will (just as the will continues on the development of basic trust).

Stages of initiative development

            We have seen that Erikson considered the period between 3 and 5 years of age as a critical period for the development of the ability to take initiative, after the phase of acquiring a sense of autonomy and developing the will. Like other abilities, initiative has its rudimentary forms in earlier developmental stages. In the research of J. Miguel Hoffmann , Laura Popbla, Constanze Duhalde (1999 ^[145]) 239 recorded feeding situations between 41 mother-child pairs were observed, in home conditions, in thirty-day intervals, from the beginning of spoon feeding to the first birthday. The results present the connection between the mother’s response to the child’s initiative and the further development of the child’s initiative. The results confirmed the basic hypothesis of the study that there is a clear connection between the mother’s response to the child’s initiative and four variables: stronger initiative of the child, more attempts by the child, aversive behavior and conflict. A favorable maternal response (when the mother does not impose her initiative in the process of feeding and other activities, but accepts the child’s initiative… does not “force” the child with food, is not intrusive) leads to the child showing even more initiative, trying more often, showing less aversiveness and less conflict. Conflict is defined as a reciprocal exchange of repulsive reactions such as opposition, disgust, or hostility. Conflict represents a struggle and confrontation between both participants in the interaction. Aversiveness is just a child’s reaction of repulsion, disgust or opposition. If the child risks confrontation with the caregiver in order to support its initiative, we can say that, although heavily influenced by the mother’s response, the initiative is the child’s contribution to its own development. We can therefore say that the foundations of reciprocity as a quality of future, developed initiative are built in the earliest period of life. This quality of reciprocity, to a large extent, determines the child’s later experiences in the oedipal period – it prepares the child for the temptations of the phallic stage of development (creating a defensive phallic organization of the personality – lack of reciprocity).

            The developing self has an increasing capacity to initiate activities. If the self develops without serious setbacks, when a person moves from later adolescence to adulthood (21-26 years old), the self becomes an independent center of initiative ( Kohut, 1977, p. 94 ^[146]) . During that period, there is an alignment between the ambitions, ideals, and abilities and talents of the person…However, when and how does the self develop? What is a self anyway? To understand Kohut’s theory of the development of the self as an independent center of initiative, we need to clarify his terms and take a look at the theory of development that he gave us.

Kohut’s self psychology and the development of initiative

 

            Four basic concepts of self psychology

            In the chapter on the object wholeness and constancy, we already talked about Kohut’s self psychology, related to the disorder of optimal distance, the process of grieving and forgiveness… In this chapter, we will work on connecting the basic concepts of self psychology with the development of initiative.

1. self 

            How does Kohut define the concept of self? Is this what we mean when we say, for example, “I don’t understand myself”? Who doesn’t understand who? There is some “I” that does not understand some other part of our personality – “self”. In the Serbian language, there is no accurate word that would be a good translation for “self”. The word “my own” would be the closest to self (one can ask how some language does not have an accurate word for such an important phenomenon).

            Kohut says that the self “is a structure within the mind…which has continuity in time as well as a psychic location…The self is, thus, analogous to the representation of an object, the content of the mental apparatus, but it is not one of its elements, i.e. it is not one of its activities.” Therefore, the self is not an integral part of the mental apparatus such as the ego, a part of the personality that performs certain operations and functions, e.g. adjustments, reality testing, etc. Self is a representation, a representation of self and self-objects…Kohut distinguishes self from identity.

            “I see the concept of self and identity as clearly different. Self is a deeply psychological concept and refers to the core of personality, made up of different (innate) factors in the interplay with the child’s earliest self-objects. It contains 1) the basic levels of personality from which aspirations towards power and success originate; 2) central idealized goals and 3) basic talents and abilities that mediate between ambitions and ideals – all connected by a sense of the whole in time and space, receiver of impressions and initiator of actions. Identity, on the other hand, is the point of intersection between the developed self (as established in later adolescence and early adulthood) and the individual’s sociocultural position.”

            Thus, the self is the core of the personality, the basis of which is formed very early, through the interaction of the child’s talents and abilities with the earliest self-objects (we will clarify this concept a little later). This is what we mean when we say “self”, what we perceive as our “essence” that lasts in time (“It’s still the same me…”) and in space (we experience it as having a place in our mind. Self is in the center of our being, or else we experience that we have moved it inside us, “put it aside”…). For the topic we are talking about, initiative, the term Kohut calls the “nuclear self” is particularly important.

            “The self (nuclear self) contains the nuclear ambitions and ideals of the individual in cooperation with certain groups of talents and skills. Those internal characteristics must be strong and consolidated enough to be able to function as a more or less self-moving, self-directing and self-supporting entity that provides the central driving force of the personality, the sense of meaning in the individual’s life. In the analysis, it can be said that the self is established when self-objects (and their functions) are sufficiently transformed into a psychological structure so that they function to a certain degree independently, in accordance with self-generated patterns of initiative (ambitions) and internal guides (ideals). …

            I mean those experiences of identity through introspection when we talk about the feeling of continuity of self, the feeling that we are the same person throughout life, despite changes in our body or mind, personality and the environment in which we live…I came to the conclusions that even the agents of the self (ambitions, ideals, talents, abilities) can change without losing that feeling of constant sameness, that is, without losing the self. (“It’s still the same me”), and I suggest that it is not the content of the constituent parts of the nuclear self that defines our self, but the nature of the tensional gradient that exists between them, “the immutable specificity of self-expressive, creative tensions intersecting toward the future.” “What remains in me from earlier times” (this is not the same as Freud’s idea that we should remember the past in order to better resolve conflicts that the child could not, but rather corresponds to Proust’s idea that we remember the past in order to establish a sense of continuity and unity with ourself in time)…”

            “The self is a structure that crystallizes” through the interrelationship of innate and environmental factors. It tends towards the realization of a specific program of action – a program defined by the specific internal patterns of its constituents – ambitions, ideals, talents and abilities, and the tension between them. The program of actions that they create, and the activities that strive towards the realization of that program, the person perceives as continuous in space and time – it is the self, an independent center of initiative, an independent recipient of impressions.

            Self is the core of our personality. It has various components created through interaction with those persons from our earliest childhood whom we experience as self-objects. The solid self, which is the result of the optimal interaction between the child and its self-objects, consists of three main factors : 1) One pole from which the basic aspirations towards power and success emanate , 2) the other pole that contains the basic idealized goals and 3) the intermediate space of basic talents and abilities that are activated by the arc of tension that is set between ambitions and ideals.”

            Therefore, Kohut considers the nuclear self to be the source of driving power, the initiative of a person . Its core emerges early, through the interplay of the child’s talents and abilities with the earliest self-objects (persons who raise the child, and whom the child perceives as a part of itself, its psyche). In this interplay, basic ambitions (grandiose self) and ideals (idealized parental image) are formed. How to understand that “tension arc” between ambitions, ideals, talents and abilities? This is what constitutes the basic structure of the self. What is someone “born” for (talents, abilities) and what do they strive for (manifesting their grandiose self through basic ambitions, or merging with the idealized parental image – the representation of the omnipotent parental figure with whom we are united). That relationship between the basic ingredients of the nuclear self is, therefore, what we retain over time.

2. Self-objects (narcissistically invested objects)

            The term “object” is used in psychoanalysis as a label for another person in whom we invest libido or aggression… To avoid explanations such as: was it the mother, or was the child raised by another person… the term “object” is used – a person that we perceive as independent of ourselves and that we love or hate… that is, we “invest” some feelings, desires, needs, urges… in relation to that person. Psychoanalysts call these investments in some object “cathexes”. The concept of object should be distinguished from the concept of self-object. Here is how Kohut defines it:        

            ” Self-objects are objects that are either used in the service of the self…or are themselves experienced as parts of the self….Narcissism is not defined by the goal of instinctual investment (in the subject itself or in other people) but by the nature or quality of the instinctual charge. A small child invests in other people narcissistic cathexes and then experiences them narcissistically, as self-objects. The expected control over such (self-object) others is, then, closer to the concept of control that adults expect to have over their own body and mind, rather than to the concept of control expected over others .

            …There is a key difference between: 1) narcissistically experienced archaic self-objects (objects only in the sense that their manifest behavior can be observed) 2) psychological structures (which are built as a consequence of the gradual decathexis of narcissistically experienced archaic objects that continue to perform…functions previously performed by external objects) and 3) objects that the psyche loves or hates, but accepts that there is an independent motivation and response to them, and is able to master the concept of reciprocity.

            We must distinguish those objects that are experienced as part of the self (self-objects) from those that we experience as independent centers of initiative (real objects). “

            Therefore, self-objects are persons that we perceive as part of our psyche or body . Such an experience of another person also exists in adults (he or she is a part of me, a part of my mind, he or she performs some psychic function instead of me…”You are my courage”, “You are my strength”…” You are my voice of reason…”, “You are my mover…” “Without you I am as without…”). In the development of the child, structures within the mind arise from these self-objects. The function that, for example, was performed by the mother (calming, admiring…) the child takes over and performs it alone, so the self-objects turn into an ego ideal or grandiose self – structures that continue to perform the functions that were once performed by the self-objects. There are two basic structures within the nuclear self that are inheritors of two types of self objects. Kohut says:

            “There are two types of self-objects: those that correspond to and confirm the child’s inner sense of aliveness and perfection, and those that the child can look up to and with whom it can connect in an image of calmness, perfection and omnipotence. The first type is called the mirroring self-object, and the second is the idealized parental image.”

            “From a psychological point of view (introspectively empathetic), there can be objects (persons), which we perceive as independent centers of initiative that we love or hate, and self-objects, persons who are objects only in terms of the functions they perform, which reinforce our self or weaken it.”

            These Kohut’s concepts tell us, in fact, that we can perceive other people in two different ways – as separate persons, clearly separated from us (objects), and as parts of ourselves (self-objects). A small child perceives its first objects as parts of itself – self-objects and, from these internal representations of self-objects, structures are formed within the personality that continue to perform the functions that objects once performed. Those structures are the grandiose self and the idealized parental image. The grandiose self is a structure that houses ambitions, a sense of power, perfection (as a remnant of the child’s experience that it is perfect in relation to its parents who “adored” it… which is the initial basis for the development of mature, realistic self-esteem). The idealized parental image is a structure in which ideals are placed (in contrast to the ideal representation of oneself, in this structure there is an ideal representation of another – an object, with which the child wants to merge by realizing its own ideals… to become a part of something good, big… .)

3. Fragmentation of self

            This complete experience of one’s ownness can be lost due to inadequate performance of the self-object function or some later “narcissistic injury” that leads to the loss of the cohesiveness of the self-experience.

            ” Clinically, I demonstrated the fragmentation of the self in particular in two forms: 1) space – that is, the loss of bodily cohesiveness, which the patient experiences and then elaborates in the form of hypochondria, and 2) in time – the loss of the experience of continuity of self in time, which the patient elaborates in the form of anxiety that they are becoming unrealistic and that there is no good future for them…”

            Kohut, in fact, talks about a person’s experience that, in some way, they have lost themselves, contact with their essence. Or that experience of the essence was lost in space, “that real me is hidden somewhere within me, displaced, moved…or has disappeared”. People often perceive it as a loss of body part, control over it. Another experience of losing oneself is in time, “I am no longer the way I was”, “I don’t recognize myself”, “how did I become like this…”, “I don’t see, I don’t feel the connection between myself and myself, the self from then and of myself as I am now”…

4. Self-object transference

            In the psychotherapy relationship, there are two specific types of transference of feelings, attitudes, thoughts, ideas…related to the therapist, which Kohut calls narcissistic transference (distinguishing it from object transference in that the therapist is a self-object, the client perceives him as a part of themselves, not as independent initiative center).

            “Narcissistic transferences can be divided into two types: 1) Mirror transference in which insufficient or incorrect response to the child’s need for acceptance and validation is revived and 2) Idealizing transference in which the need to connect with a source of idealized strength and calmness is revived.

            What drives people to initiative

           

            With an understanding of these basic concepts of self psychology, we can embark on an attempt to understand their application to the explanation of the development of initiative in people. We have seen, from Erikson’s papers and the point of view of the psychology of drives, that a person can be encouraged to take initiative by the needs to satisfy drives, desires, the need for satisfaction, etc., as well as that various inhibitions of the satisfaction of desires and drives can affect the loss of initiative or its manifestation in inadequate forms (despite guilt, fear). Kohut, however, talks about another driving center, about the forces in us that move us “beyond the pleasure principle” and that push us towards establishing a “narcissistic balance” through the realization of the basic ambitions and ideals of our nuclear self. Person’s narcissism develops and narcissistic needs drive them as well as instinctual ones. Self psychology and the understanding of narcissism do not refute drive psychology, but complement it.

            “If you asked me what is most important about narcissism, I would answer: its independent line of development, from primitive forms to mature, adaptive and culturally valuable ones. This development has important internal determinants, but also a specific exchange with the environment that encourages or diminishes the cohesiveness of the self and the formation of idealized psychological structures… at the same time, there are separate lines of development: the narcissistic and object-instinctual reality of the child, which are closely related to the attitudes of the parents towards the child , that is, parents sometimes relate to the child through empathic narcissistic fusion and see the child’s psychological organization as part of their own, while, in other situations, they respond to the child as an independent center of initiative, that is, they invest it with object libido.” (Kohut, 1977)

About leadership, about courage

            To understand what moves the average person to initiative and courage (because courage is needed to be the initiator, to initiate something) we will take a look at Kohut’s (1977) texts on leadership and courage. When we try to understand a phenomenon in its expressed form, in its extremes, we can recognize those mechanisms that operate in less pronounced manifestations, they are just more difficult to notice. What motivates leaders to take initiative? Kohut distinguishes pathology, in leaders suffering from narcissistic personality disorders, from healthy leadership.

            “We can say that the presence of an unmodified grandiose substructure interferes with a person’s ability to experience another person as an independent center of initiative and perceive them as separate from themselves.”

            Kohut speaks here about leaders with a narcissistic structure and says: ” What distinguishes a leader, however, from others who suffer from personality disorders that interfere with their interpersonal relationships is the fact that, although their capacity to see and distinguish other individuals is damaged, as well as their ability to relate to them as friends and collaborators, leaders develop a high sensitivity to the anonymous group and its motivation and can connect intensely with it. The socially impoverishing tendency to perceive people as types and clichés rather than individuals, which is often found in narcissistically fixated individuals, is compensated by a heightened perception of the group’s unconscious and preconscious tensions, states, fantasies, desires and fears. We must not forget, however, that this power of gifted leaders can only be exercised in an area where the fantasies and desires of the masses are the same as those of the leaders. They are completely unable to understand groups different from their own, and they are unable to understand their own group when it begins to be motivated by aspirations that do not arise from the grandiose fantasies they share with them.”

            The ability of narcissistically fixated leaders comes, therefore, from their grandiose self and the ability to recognize the motivational influences of that structure in others. But it is an “unmodified grandiose self”. The grandiose self, in itself, is not a pathological structure, but the core of a person’s personality which, through development, changes and achieves its crystallized and mature forms.

            In what way do the grandiose self and the idealized parental image become sources of healthy initiative in brave people? We will look at the courage of exceptional individuals from history to understand the courage (or lack of it) in average people. Here’s what Kohut has to say about it:

            ” What enables (or drives) some people to face mortal danger or death rather than give up open loyalty to their ideals…? What is the courage of those who, although few or alone, still retain their self and their ideals? (The question does not refer to those who have no choice, when they fight for biological survival… but to those for whom the continuity of self and ideal becomes more important than biological survival…)

            Courage can be defined as the ability to face death or tolerate destruction rather than betray the core of our psychological being, that is, our ideals. There are genetic, dynamic, and structural aspects to such spiritual fortitude, as well as external means the psyche uses to maintain courage.”

            In the presentation of Kohut’s studies of courage, we will not present examples of historical figures and their brave deeds, but only the conclusions that Kohut reached through his research. Are brave people who are willing to die for their beliefs or ideals mentally disturbed people driven by self-destructiveness? Isn’t maintaining life at the top of the hierarchy of personal values? The answer is not simple:

            “The psychological research of courage throughout history is not a simple matter. When we investigate the personalities and behavior of unusually brave people, those who, like lonely martyrs, have maintained seemingly hopeless and useless beliefs, there is a possibility that they are mentally disturbed individuals. I have no doubt that there are cases in which severely disturbed individuals, whose testing of reality is impaired by psychosis, fall into the roles of political, ideological, or religious martyrs… We tend to value the need for survival as the supreme need of the normal person, especially when some of her behavior has no practical goal and leads to death. But we have typical representatives of historical heroism and martyrdom who should not be judged as necessarily pathological when examined from the point of view of depth psychology, even if some temporary abnormalities can be found in their thoughts and behavior and despite the apparently unrealistic nature of their activities.”

            Therefore, the “crazily” brave do not have to be crazy. It is also possible that they are essentially exceptional normal people. Where did they get such courage and willingness to risk and sacrifice?

            “One striking characteristic of unusually courageous individuals is that, at certain critical moments or stages of their development, they create an image of some all-powerful figure on whose support they rely. An idealized figure may be a personified God, or a prototypical historical figure, or a charismatic person who is alive at the moment. The spectrum of such falsifications of reality, which are in the service of establishing a relationship with an idealized figure in order to support courage, extends from a) temporary delusions and hallucinations, through b) large exaggerating distortions and evaluations of people who in reality have only ordinary or moderate talents, to c) unrealistic, concretizing, living idealizations of really inspiring persons who are distant in time or space from the hero who, however, in his fantasy, feels that he receives specific support from them through connection with them.

            The first group of falsifications or mechanisms to support courage include experiences such as when a person hears the voice of God, or visions in which God appears as a hero. Such messages that a brave individual receives are received from a supernatural force through seemingly meaningful but, in fact, random circumstances. Some of such experiences are traditionally associated with missionaries who, in a specific place and at a specific time, were called by God. A good example of another type of falsification of reality in heroic people is the intense, unrealistic idealization of the physical, mental, or moral powers of someone who in reality has only ordinary talents. I call this phenomenon “transfer of creativity”. The genius, frightened by the conspicuousness and audacity of his pioneering discoveries, and longing not to feel alone, creates for himself the fantasy of an overestimated figure on which he temporarily relies, but later rejects it (withdraws his idealization) when he completes his work. During the transfer of creativity, the genius projects his own mental powers onto someone else. He temporarily attributes his own discoveries to that other person and feels petty and dependent in relation to that idealized protector, mentor, judge who is, in essence, his creation. In the third type of reality falsification, through which courage is sustained through reliance on or merging with inspiring prototypical figures, the mental health of the one relying on such association is not seriously questioned, even if in that group experiences of hallucinatory vividness or temporary distortions like delusions may be occasionally encountered.”

            From these observations of Kohut, we could conclude that extremely brave people are brave because they are not alone, because they call for help from something or someone outside of themselves. Because they create, in their mind, some powerful support. Is the same process, although less conspicuous, also present in people who are brave in everyday life, in “ordinary” people who live bravely in accordance with their deep ambitions and ideals that move them to initiative? We will wait for the answer and listen to Kohut’s analysis a little more.

            “It is not difficult to recognize that all those falsifications of reality, which are so dramatic in certain critical periods in the life of brave persons, are variations on the same theme, regressions along the developmental line of a specific narcissistic configuration – an idealized, omnipotent self-object. My impression, however, is that in many cases of great heroism, it is not just an intensely catechized value system that is the primary motivator for brave thoughts or actions. As I will try to show, that motivation stems from a person’s entire nuclear self, not just his values. Reconcretization of the ego ideal, that is, its (regressive) transformation into an omnipotent self-object – becomes temporarily necessary as an external means through which the fulfillment of the nuclear self can be achieved despite the strongest anxieties and fear of death to which a person can willingly expose themselves. The hero’s pseudo-delusions and pseudo-hallucinations are therefore created in response to a temporary great need, they appear as an outgrowth of conditions reminiscent of those from early childhood when, due to psychological incompleteness at that stage of development, the child’s regulation of self-confidence depends almost entirely on the presence of self-objects that it admires and that allow the child to drown in their idealized perfection. Under certain anxiety-provoking conditions, the archaic need for support becomes so great that the omnipotent object, regressively, will emerge from the ego ideal and become again what it was in early childhood, experienced as an archaic, prestructural, external power. Thus it may happen that an individual, at the height of their psychological independence, when in reality they live much more actively and fulfill the goals of their nuclear self more completely than the average human individual can ever hope to achieve, believes that they have no initiative, but feels as if they live under influences that come from outside themselves.”

            Can courage be explained only by throwing the ego ideal outside and personifying it in the form of an external powerful person or force? That’s only part of the answer, but it’s not all. The essence of courage, according to Kohut, is in contact with the person’s nuclear self, in that the nuclear self permeates the personality and is perceived as its center (the spatial dimension of the self).

            “It seems obvious that courage cannot be easily explained as the personification and concretization of an ego ideal. Nor does the hero simply mobilize his irrational imagination and beliefs to support his rational, non-pathological aspirations. What then drives him to move forward, despite the intimidation that comes from the outside world and from within. He must continue alone on his path, even if it leads to his own destruction, because he must shape the pattern of his life, his thoughts, actions and attitudes, according to the arrangement of his nuclear self.

            But what is the nuclear self to which I give such an important place in psychological health and disorders? It is that continuum in time, that cohesive configuration in the depths, which we experience as the “I” of our perceptions, thoughts and actions. There are those who would define the self as “the center of our being from which all initiatives spring and where all experiences end”. I would not agree with that for several reasons: 1) positing a self as the central driving force of the psyche leads to an elegant, simple theory of mind, but also to an unjustified neglect of the importance of the unconscious, 2) such a definition of the self is not obtained from psychoanalytic material but from conscious experiences. The concept of a unique, central self is an axiom imported into the analysis from the outside… If we choose that approach (psychoanalytic observation), we will see that we can recognize the simultaneous existence of different and even contradictory selves in the same person, selves of different degrees of stability or different degrees of importance. There are conscious, preconscious and unconscious selves; ego, id and superego selves; and we can discover in some of our patients also incompatible selves, next to each other, in the same psychological activity.

            Among these selves, however, there is one which is most centrally located in the psyche, one which is experienced by the individual as basic, and which is the most difficult to change. I like to call that self the nuclear self . It consists of derivatives of the grandiose self (that is, of central self-affirming, self-assertive goals, intentions and ambitions) and derivatives of the idealized parental image (central idealized values). The nuclear self is that unconscious, preconscious, and conscious sector of the id, ego, and superego that contains a person’s most enduring values and ideals as well as their most deeply rooted goals, intentions, and ambitions. “

            Therefore, that contact with one’s deepest ambitions, intentions, values and ideals is the basis of courage and initiative. Contact with that part of the personality is, we would say, something that modern man largely lacks. Some of the most widely read books in the field of popular psychology address this need of people: “How to find your guiding star”, “how to discover your deepest goals”… Can the nuclear self be reached only through in-depth psychoanalysis? The question is, in fact, in which ways a person can be encouraged to come into contact with the nuclear self, with deeply rooted values and ideals and the need to direct their life towards their realization, to the extent that their life circumstances allow it. In the OLI method, the “Authentic personality” protocol (a term that has almost the same meaning as the nuclear self) is one of the methodological attempts to, with the combination of “self-help methods” and depth psychology, encourage the realization of that aspect of selfhood and its temporal and spatial continuity. . However, the question arises, is the nuclear self something unchangeable, something we acquire in early childhood and which remains as it is for the rest of our lives? Kohut responds as follows:

            “The nuclear self, however, is not immutable. The task of modifying or even transforming it is set several times throughout life, under the influence of new internal and external factors. The variability of the nuclear self, at certain developmental junctures such as adolescence or old age, or under the influence of critical changes in the environment, is not a sign of disorder and need not, in itself, be evaluated as a psychological or moral defect. On the other hand, we can justifiably pity some behaviors as manifestations of psychological deficiencies and moral weakness, such as the activities and attitudes of those who quickly and opportunistically adjust their beliefs under the influence of external pressures. Such behavior does not involve changes in the nuclear self, but represents only an adaptation on the psychological surface. In such individuals, the nuclear self ceases to participate in overt attitudes and actions and becomes progressively isolated and eventually repressed or rejected. The psychological outcome, which is more or less characteristic of the psychological core of most adults, is not an individual who strives for a creative solution to their conflicts related to the redefinition of basic ambitions and values, but a person who, despite easily adaptive superficial behaviors, experiences inner superficiality, shallowness, which creates the impression of artificiality in others.

            The nuclear self of the heroic individual is not, therefore, necessarily immutable. In fact, sometimes the hero’s willingness to die results from a creative change in his nuclear self, a change through which he steps away from the goals, ambitions, or values of his environment. The capacity of the nuclear self to undergo change, whether gradual or sudden (like a mystical experience of enlightenment), is entirely compatible with the firmness of attitude so characteristic of the brave.

            Almost all heroic individuals go through a crisis of regret while on the road to making an unwavering decision to remain true to themselves (the nuclear self) regardless of the cost. They are not generally gripped by fear of the consequences they will have as a result of their actions. They seem undaunted by isolation, social rejection or punishment. A crisis of courage is rather a crisis of extreme narcissistic imbalance. They feel deeply frustrated because internal and external obstacles stand in the way of their complete devotion to the central self which alone promises them the inner peace of narcissistic equilibrium… In the decisions and actions of many heroic individuals the values of the nuclear self, rather than the subjective need for grandiosity, provide the decisive motivating force for heroism.

            …Such heroic individuals are not psychotic. Nor are hallucinations and delusional commands, which the hero experiences as motivators for brave actions and attitudes, manifestations of the dissolution of the self. The real motivator that drives the hero to heroic deeds is his nuclear self. Hallucinatory commands are only temporary auxiliary mechanisms, secondarily created to serve the hero’s intentions.”

            When we think about the feeling of fulfillment and calmness that heroes have, associations arise with numerous conversations with our clients about various life troubles, phobias, conflicts they have at the workplace, or with partners… and how little is said about “what it’s worth to live, what is worth dying for…”, about ideals, meaning… as if these topics are irrelevant, “immature”, maddening for today’s man, esoteric, reserved for novels and movies… “Fools die for ideals” , says Bora Čorba, “how to be a hero in these scabby times?”, Goran Bregović asks in the text of his song… Living bravely seems stupid and impractical. According to Kohut, it turns out that this is the basis of mental health. According to common sense thinking, this is the characteristic of a fool. What is it that distinguishes a fool from a self-fulfilled hero who lives a meaningful life, true to his ideals and values?

            “To support this claim I will discuss the qualities of some heroic individuals that place them outside the realm of psychosis. Those three traits are:the presence of a fine sense of humor, the ability to respond to other people with subtle empathy,and, generally, at the time when they make an irrevocable heroic decision and must face the consequences, a feeling of inner peace and tranquility – a mental state akin to wisdom.This is something that always impresses the onlookers, including even the executioners. Heroes, in other words, reach a high degree of development in the narcissistic sector of the personality, and this developmental achievement is maintained during the decisive heroic period of their lives.”

            “… The presence of an original sense of humor is one reliable indication that there is no severe impairment in the narcissistic sector of the personality. It specifically speaks against the existence, or even the tendency, of psychosis. Original humor can only be achieved when primitive forms of grandiosity are overcome, whether the grandiosity was previously associated with the subject’s grandiose self or was focused on an idealized (exaggerated) self-object. Paranoid cold arrogant superiority and hostile confidence in one’s own beliefs about the hostile intentions of powerful persecutors are the antithesis of a humorous attitude towards oneself and those whom a person admires. It bears repeating that having a sense of humor does not mean self-reduction or lack of enthusiasm. Humor is completely compatible with a secure sense of self-confidence or a firm commitment to values and ideals. Of course, there are periods in life, outside the sphere of mental illness, when a person is required to be seriously committed, without humor, to some goals and ideals, when things are so serious that we don’t want to joke. But when the individual has honestly decided to live in accordance with the central intentions of their self and in harmony with the highest idealized values and still retains a sense of modesty and proportion, then we feel that they have reached a high degree of healthy mastery of the narcissistic sector of the personality. We can be sure that the center of their personality is healthy and that the inner forces that drive them to heroic activity are not based on delusions when they are able to respond with humor even in the face of the greatest sacrifices that a man can make in order to remain true to his nuclear self.”

            Furthermore, martyrdom is not the only form of heroism. Kohut distinguishes two types of “healthy” heroes, brave people:

            …I will try to show the difference between two types of heroes:…”Martyrs” and “rational defenders”.

            For many hero-martyrs, a group of central values and ideals, inheritors of an archaic idealized object, is what decisively defines their nuclear self. Thus, the complete state of narcissistic balance in such people merges the personality with the central values of the self. When such an identification is reached, the hero-martyr has a deep inner peace (narcissistic equilibrium) and even the experience or conscious satisfaction that his ideals and his personality have become one.

            In this context, we should mention again that the first awareness of the martyr hero’s nuclear self, in those cases where this central structure is mainly defined by the hero’s idealized values, often comes to the hero in the form of a projection: the idealized values of the central self are regressively transferred into a (pre-structurally) archaic idealized self-object from which they once originated (turned into a structure within the psyche). Those archaic self-objects are then perceived as external. They appear in the form of “calls” or other manifestations of a seemingly external force that shows the hero the path he must follow. Those heroic individuals whose nuclear self is defined more by investments in the subject sector of infantile narcissism (the experience of self) than by derivatives of an archaic omnipotent object (Churchill can serve as an example of such a constellation) will not be inclined to experience a “call” from an archaic idealized figure at a critical moment when they begin their journey without turning back in the direction dictated by their nuclear self, but will experience an increase in inner strength and security that propels them towards achieving their goals.

            The contrast between martyr heroes and rational rebels is great. In most cases, it is easier for us to empathize with rational rebels. First of all, we must admit that normality is often (almost incomprehensible) a complex state, much more complex in any sense than those forms of pathology that rest on regression and primitivization. Second, a consideration related to the previous topic, the activities of individuals from this group are generally not determined by demands that come from the depths of their nuclear self (although the basic aspects of their personalities, especially in their super ego, are of great importance), but by the decisions of their autonomous and dominant ego. Such persons will, therefore, be realistic in their assessments of the social reality that they want to influence with their actions, as well as in their assessment of the ways and means of implementing actions. The actions that the rational rebel takes to achieve their social and political goals will be shaped by the cognitive processes of their ego. Unlike the hero-martyr, they are not inclined to make the kind of unwavering determination to pursue their goals at all costs that is so characteristic of those driven by their nuclear self…While rational rebels may certainly differ from hero-martyrs, we would hardly could say that their personality organization is uniform. As we said earlier, they all share one characteristic: their decisions and actions, whatever their deeper motivations, are primarily determined by the cognitive functions of their egos.

            We could group rational rebels on a scale according to the greater or lesser autonomy of their ego. At one end of the scale we would find those individuals in whom we can assume that the psychological surface has become independent of the psychological depth and in whom the ego is not only the arbiter of means and ends, but also the matrix of their motivation. At the other end of the scale, we find those with whom, judging by their behavior, the psychological surface is in open contact with the psychological depth. In this group, unlike the previous one, the ego is not an autonomous source of motivation. The ego here, in its decisive activities, is guided by and draws strength from the more deeply rooted patterns of the nuclear self.

            “I hope that the research of brave individuals, heroic figures of history, has reduced to a certain extent the distance towards clarifying the position of the nuclear self in the human personality and its function in the individual’s life. But there is much more that may seem unclear. Things are not as simple as they may seem. Different selves are fighting within us, striving to take center stage…”

            We have also seen another approach to the motivational, driving forces of personality. We are driven by drives and needs, striving for satisfaction and pleasure, avoiding pain…but also the need for harmony in the narcissistic sector of the personality, union with our deepest values, ambitions, ideals…through the realization of our basic talents and abilities. A man walks with two feet, walking on one and the other path at the same time “From the source two paths of water flow on two sides”, Lepa Lukić would say (that is, she would sing. If only she knew that she was quoted in a text about depth psychology.. .!). On one path, we share the fate of a “guilty man”, and on the other, a “tragic man”. What are those fates?

            “I will emphasize again that the analysis of the self should not be seen as a substitute for the traditional emphasis of the analysis on drives or on structural conflict, but should be accepted as an additional approach that is carried out within the framework of the established frameworks of depth psychology… The most important regulator of psychological activities in the field of conflicts is the principle of satisfaction (including, of course, its extension, the principle of reality). The most important process in that area is the internalized conflict between (oedipal) drives – the desires of the id, ego, on the one hand, and the suppressing prohibitions of the superego, on the other. The psychological understanding of man in the conceptual framework of the drive-conflict approach in psychoanalysis is connected to the traditional view of human problems, which is expressed in terms such as guilt – redemption, sin – repentance, crime – punishment and so on. I would, despite the wide variety of problems involved, characterize that whole view of human psychology as a focus on a guilty man.

            But there is another dimension of human existence that must be taken into account. It is a fateful question whether a person’s nuclear self is able to manifest its basic patterns within its life cycle. This is a psychological function that is not regulated by the pleasure/reality principle, but is subordinated to forces “beyond the pleasure principle”. Once again I will ignore the great variety of phenomena we are talking about and characterize this second view of human psychology as focused on the tragic man.

            … The art of tragedy, whether it be through song, speech, or written as in the great epics; whether expressed through music, painted on canvas or carved in stone, or on stage – it deals with man’s attempts to live out the pattern of his nuclear self. The tragic hero, who is the protagonist of great tragedies, which must be considered one of the greatest cultural treasures of humanity, is a man who, despite the breakdown of his physical and mental powers (like Oedipus) or despite his biological death (like Hamlet), is a winner – because his nuclear self has reached a supremacy that will not, and cannot, ever be denied…Simple comedies satisfy us through the vicarious enjoyment of fulfilled libidinal desires. Tragedy, however, has another function: it gives the observer, reader, listener or eyewitness the opportunity to experience, through temporary identification with the tragic hero, the expansion and triumph of his nuclear self.”

            Each individual has two paths open before them, and each individual, in one way or another, follows both. In everyday life, every person lives according to the principle of pleasure and reality: they are the person of work and love. But not a single person is excluded from participating in the tragic dimension of life. No individual, however seemingly unimportant their self-fulfilling goals of the nuclear self, is absorbed all the time in the strains of work or the pursuit of time-limited pleasure. There will be periods, or at least moments, in every man’s life when he becomes aware, even if vaguely, of a longing that is not directed toward the pleasure of gratifying desires through the discharge of urges, but toward the overwhelming need to realize the deep-seated intentions of his nuclear self. Every human is driven by both motivational sources and a human life lacking either is incomplete.

            “It is a significant and under-researched fact that a civilized man feels intimidated by the deep aspirations of his nuclear self and his ego appears fragile when faced with the demands of the nuclear self. Civilized man has learned to work; he tries to obey the restrictions which are the necessity of social life and, still, in spite of the work and the restrictions, he manages, directly or indirectly, to reach a certain degree of satisfaction of his urges and desires. But, the weight of social life narrowed his freedom to express his innermost self even more than they hindered the possibility of satisfying his urges. Indeed, I believe that there are forces of civilized society which are, in that area, more restrictive than those which inhibit the drives. From the beginning of our consciousness, these forces make us afraid to develop our self-expressive initiative or our creativity. Perhaps from early childhood onwards, the manifestation of our nuclear self provokes the rage of the fearful and dependent people around us, a consequence of their wounded narcissism. The full affirmation of our nuclear selves is thus, for most of us, beyond the reach of our courage. We retreat from our deepest goals and ideals, and falsify or dilute them.” (Kohut, 1977)

            From the fact that the text on courage spoke of extreme examples, examples of martyrs who offered resistance and paradigmatic tragic heroes created by the great writers of world literature, one should not draw the conclusion that the realization of the basic patterns of a person’s nuclear self is only an esoteric ideal, unattainable for the average person. Nor that acknowledging the importance of such fulfillment as a possible psychotherapy goal in analysis is an unrealistic burden for the average patient. On the contrary, there are good reasons to believe that, if properly conceived, some degree of self-realization is within the reach of most people, and that accepting the limitations of that process encourages the attainment of grains of wisdom.

            “But I will make a perhaps surprising claim. I came to the conclusion that the realization of patterns of a person’s nuclear self is to a certain extent independent of the degree of their psychopathology. Some individuals, despite the presence of conflicts and symptoms of even more serious psychoneurosis, lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. On the other hand, some individuals, despite the absence of neurosis, have empty, shallow and limited existences. ..

…Certain qualities and functions of the nuclear self, once that structure is fully formed, cannot be understood unless the self is conceptualized as an independent, autonomous entity. There are other, broad areas within the personality beyond the nuclear self. But once established, the nuclear self tends to fulfill itself. It moves, from the moment of its consolidation, towards the realization of ambitions and ideals, which are the original heirs of the child’s grandiosity and exhibitionism and its aspirations to merge with the idealized self-object. And, if the individual succeeds in realizing the goals of the nuclear self, they can die without regret or remorse. They achieved the fulfillment of a tragic hero – not the painful death of a man filled with guilt who strives for pleasure, but a death that is “beyond the pleasure principle”.”

            When we know all this, the question arises as to how human initiative develops, what stages of development it goes through, what deformations are possible, and how healthy development proceeds, how it can be encouraged, released… what therapeutic approaches can help in the realization of this ability …Where do we start from? From which angle should we look at the development of the initiative? From the point of view of drive theory? Or from the point of view of self psychology? (Something about the development of the initiative from the point of view of these two schools of psychoanalytic psychology was presented in the previous part of the text). And why not from the point of view of object relations psychology, or ego psychology? When we think about initiative as a developmental ability, we see that it can be developed in different directions, and that each of these four psychoanalytic psychologies has its own theory of motivation, and thus the development of initiative. We will make a brief overview of the theoretical positions of these four directions in relation to the issue of motivation and personality organization:

Four psychoanalytic psychologies – motivation and personality organization

            What is it that moves a person and makes them take the initiative? First of all, we are interested in what are the motivational forces that can move the client to change. First, let’s see how to define motivation in general. There are numerous definitions, but not all of them are broad enough to include all the phenomena considered by the four psychoanalytic trends that we will discuss. We will take the definition of Fred Pine (1989 ^[147])according to which motives are: “all those variables that arouse, maintain and direct behavior”.

            Describing how behavior is aroused, maintained and directed, these psychoanalytic psychologies talk about different forms of motivation – self-activating, reactive and homeostatic, and each of them has different sub-forms. A person can be driven by different types of motives in different periods (drives, needs for an object, needs of the self for homeostasis, aspirations of the ego to master reality…), so, following the development of the initiative, we have to follow its movement along four relatively independent lines of development . Newer empirical research into the life of babies clearly shows that neither drives, nor object relations, nor the self, nor the ego have primacy in a child’s life. All these phenomena have a very early origin. The phenomena studied by all four psychologies attain motivational status and can all be seen as independent actors on the intrapsychic stage.

            From the point of view of drive psychology, the individual is understood as a being driven by constant impulses, created through a mixture of early bodily and family experiences, represented in conscious and unconscious phantasies, which undergo countless changes, and are organized, especially around conflicts – with defenses, conscience and reality directed against instincts.

            From the point of view of the psychology of object relations, the individual is the bearer of an internal drama, which originates from childhood, and in which, more or less, through repetition, they play one or more roles, or even the roles of all “actors” (mother, father, relationships with them, other early objects…). Those inner representations, closely related to early experiences, put their mark on all new experiences, so that they are assimilated into the old drama instead of being experienced completely in their present form.

            From the point of view of self psychology, the individual is viewed in the sense of the gradual strengthening of the differentiation of boundaries, through the achievement of continuity and cohesion of the subjective experience of oneself and a generally positive, but realistic and flexible affective tone (self-esteem) – or through failures in some of the aforementioned.

            From the point of view of ego psychology, the individual is viewed from the point of view of gradually developing capacities for adaptation, reality testing, and defense (development of more mature defense mechanisms); although the traditional approach was focused on defense mechanisms and their role in the conflict, an important place is also the understanding of ego defects (an adult has all the adaptive functions that a child does not have. Those capacities develop, and everything that develops can also develop poorly . This underdevelopment is a defect. For example, underdeveloped capacity for affect modulation, capacity for delay and control of impulses, object constancy…).

            Of course, these four psychologies overlap. There are motivational forces in the phenomena that each of them describes. In some single act of an individual, we can find the predominance of one of the motivational sources, but also overlap with the influences of other motivational sources. All human motives have a developmental history. Whatever the nature of their initial biological basis, the final forms of motivation are the result of complex shaping processes that take time to play out.

We have seen how, in the domains of the four psychoanalytic psychologies, some phenomena attain permanent motivational status in the course of development. In each of these domains there is a presence from birth, an innate motivational tendency that undergoes transformations during development. When working with people in psychotherapy, we can work precisely with those transformed developmental motives. In the field of object relations, the beginning is that primary willingness to connect with others, which evolves into a tendency to repeat old, now internalized object relations in order to master the trauma associated with them (this is known to us through the understanding of the concept of transference – repetition through the transmission of old object relations to persons in the present). In the domain of the experience of ownness (self) are the beginnings of homeostatic tendencies to correct subjective dissatisfaction (a child cries when it is hungry) which evaluates into a tendency to maintain a familiar, close experience of oneself, even though that state (seen from the outside) may be pathologically grandiose or humiliated, fragmented or undifferentiated. In the domain of ego functioning, the beginning is innate tendencies for elementary adaptation to reality, regulation of tension, adaptations that evaluate into a (variably rigid, but never completely flexible) tendency to maintain the achieved mode of organization in efforts to avoid negative effects. And, in the domain of drives (both sexual and aggressive), the beginning is in biologically rooted urges that a) become associated with specific objects and fantasies as these urges gain cognitive representation and elaboration over time; b) they begin to perform a function in relation to self experiences, ego functioning and object relations and c) in the case of aggressiveness, they begin to include reactive forms of aggressiveness that acquire permanent motivational status as the capacity to be permanently angry with someone as adults.

Recognizing the area from which psychological central motives come gives us the opportunity to recognize how one or more of them can dominate the intrapsychic scene and lead to significantly different forms of personality organization. We can understand what drives a certain person, to recognize their driver, source of initiative. Each of us develops a personal organization of these phenomena. Everyone develops a personal hierarchy of phenomena and motives of these four psychologies. Not all of these motivations are equally important to us. One or the other becomes central, and the rest is organized around it. But what becomes central in a personal hierarchical organization varies from person to person.

Some of the phenomena they talk about can become central (satisfaction of instincts, object relations, ego organization, experience of the self) and hierarchically superior to other phenomena. But there is nothing perverse about it. It just represents human variability. For some, one field is more important, superior, for others, another… and the motivational power of some fields is different compared to others. Of course, there can be more or less pathology within any hierarchical arrangement. The dominance of certain motivational factors can change during lifetime. The excessive dominance of one or another group of themes may, in itself, be indicative of pathology.

We can therefore follow the development of the initiative through four development directions:

In which of these areas do we feel most moved from within? Where is our strongest motivation? What activities do we most often start with the feeling that we really want it? In which areas do we feel the need, but have a blockage of initiative? What lifted us upward in the past? When did we feel fulfilled in what we do? When we think about our “life dreams”, in which of these areas is their center? What affects us the most when things don’t go our way? In which area of our psychic life are we most susceptible to injury? When we think or fantasize about the future, what would make the realization of our “dreams” the most satisfying and fulfilling? (“Enjoying some exotic beach, surrounded by handsome people…” – satisfaction of urges, or “perfect relationship” – object relations, or “feeling like an expert in…” – development of ego functions or “being appreciated, famous.. .” – narcissistic balance). What is central, and what is organized around that center? What is our personal hierarchy that distinguishes us from others? These are important questions to answer if we are to understand ourselves, or the person we work with as therapists. Of course, that is not enough. An important question is how we do what we do, or how we start what we start. The question of the quality of initiative (orientation) is equally important as the question of the hierarchy of personal organization in relation to motivational areas (direction). In working with a person’s capacity for initiative, it is necessary, as in the analysis of will, to determine its dominant direction, as well as its quality – the orientation of initiative. What does a person most often initiate or want to initiate (whether it is in the direction of satisfying instincts, object relations, developing ego functions or maintaining narcissistic balance – self-image) and how they do it (quality of initiative, sense of reciprocity – is it oriented forward – towards development, or backwards –  to parasitism) are questions to which we seek answers in the psychotherapy process of initiative analysis.

For the purposes of researching the motivational branches and directions of client initiatives in OLI IPP an instrument was developed which we called MOP (Motivational Profile).^[148]At OLI IPP, a special procedure for working with the client’s initiative has been developed, which consists of an analysis of the initiative (its orientation and direction) and techniques for unblocking the client’s initiative and changing the orientation if it is not oriented towards development. However, the initiative cannot be worked on successfully if the previous basic emotional competences have not been developed. The process of working with the initiative is described in the book “The ability to Love and Work – OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy” (Jovanović 2013).

How does OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy work on the development of basic emotional competencies?

Methodological basis of methods

Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy is a complex theoretical and methodological system. Its basis is working with basic emotional competencies – the basic “software” of our psyche for processing emotions and managing emotions. The IPP provides clear tables with indicators of stagnation in eight basic emotional competencies on the behavioral, emotional, cognitive and conative levels, as well as forms of manifestation of mature, developed emotional competences . In this way, it enables therapists to clearly recognize the stagnation in the development of competence, to have a direction in which the development should move, the “zone of proximal development” of the client. In addition, IPP has an elaborate “taxonomy of psychotherapy goals” in which numerous techniques are classified according to which competence they can develop and at which stage of development. This gives psychotherapists the opportunity to, in a structured way, recognize the developmental delay and choose the techniques they will use for the development of basic emotional competences that are at a standstill.

 

Eight basic emotional competencies:

 

Psychodynamic Integrative Psychotherapy has a clearly defined field of study :a) examines the development of basic emotional (and cognitive-conative) abilities, which are discussed in four psychoanalytic psychologies: drive psychology, object relations psychology, ego psychology and self psychology.

The basic emotional competencies that are examined are: the ability to neutralize, mentalize, object wholeness, object constancy, frustration tolerance, ambivalence tolerance, will and initiative. In addition to the basic emotional competencies, the research also includes more complex abilities that arise as a combination of the basic ones: the ability to empathize, the ability to be alone, the ability to delay gratification, patience, the ability to test reality…as well as the two most important complex abilities that are also the product of the functional interplay of the aforementioned basic emotional competencies – the ability to love and work.

The field of investigation is a) development of basic emotional competencies , stages of their normal development, deviations in development, reflection of normal or deviant development of the mentioned abilities on the emotional, cognitive, conative and behavioral level. b) the interaction of basic emotional competences – interdependence – how developmental delays in one ability are reflected in developmental delays in another ability, what combinations of deviations in abilities can occur, connecting those combinations of deviations with personality structure, personality disorders… c) research on “counter-skills” – which is the term of the IPP method that was introduced to represent complex patterns of behavior (defense mechanisms, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, activities…) that develop as forms of adaptation when basic emotional competence does not function sufficiently. The concept of counter-skills is similar to the concept of defense mechanisms, but it is broader, because it includes specific patterns of behavior, habits, skills of manipulating oneself and others, for a person typical coping skills developed to compensate for deficiencies in basic emotional competencies. d) research into “emotional accounting” – research into typical ways of calculating with emotions, “psychological mathematics”, ways to calculate “profitability” in the field of emotional life, creating a complex system of calculating emotional profitability – emotional accounting. (Jovanović, N. 2013)

About basic emotional competences

(Abbreviated . Detailed tables of indicators of the development of emotional competences are given in the book “The ability to love and work – OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy” – Jovanović, N. 2013):

Neutralization:

The ability to neutralize is the ability of a person to keep their thinking reasonable by neutralizing their instinctual energies (sexual and aggressive) turning them into neutral energy that serves to solve problems, think rationally and reach a goals.

Undeveloped ability – irrational thinking, overwhelmed by aggression or libidinous need, blinded by emotions, impulsive behavior, irrational behavior. Experience “it’s stronger than me”, “it overwhelmed me”, “I have to get it or do it at any cost… I don’t care about the consequences”.

Developed – “person remains sober even in emotionally tense situations”, “reasonable person”, “realistic person”, “that does not lose their head”, “that thinks with a cool head” “objective person”… speak of the cognitive functions of people capable of neutralization.

– Planning, reflection, the ability to take a distance and look from an objective perspective…

– Strong feelings do not threaten rational thinking, but become a person’s “propellant fuel” for solving problems and reaching goals.

Mentalization:

            The ability to reflect on one’s inner state, the capacity to understand the fact that others have their own beliefs, desires and intentions…

Underdeveloped ability to mentalize: inability to think about one’s inner state, inability to understand the fact that others have their own beliefs, desires and intentions. A person’s inability to understand themselves and others. Insecure affective attachment. A person is subject to drastic changes in mood and self-representation, they are at the mercy of external and internal events. Psychic equivalence – the phenomenon that mental states are equated with physical reality; omnipotence of subjectivity – a person’s belief that their mentalizing is infallible and that they are always right. They understand actions only in terms of physical constraints or observable goals; this understanding is logically followed by the belief that thoughts and feelings change only through action. A person has a problem separating fantasy from reality, and in their functioning, the “as-if” way of functioning reappears; as a defensive reaction to this, hyperactive mentalizing can occur – an attempt to see mental contents even when they are not there, as, for example, in the case of crazy ideas of relationships;

Developed capacity : the ability to reflect on one’s inner state, the capacity to understand the fact that others have their own beliefs, desires and intentions. Reflection, understanding of one’s own state and the state of others, motives for certain states and behaviors. The ability to create a “mind map”, a secure affective attachment.

Object wholeness:

It is the ability to experience and accept another person (or some desired goal, work, activity) as a whole. The ability to be aware of both the good and the bad of what we like and want. The ability to accept it as it is. No one person can satisfy all of our needs, and cannot always satisfy them. Not even our desired goal can do that. Everything has both good and bad sides. It satisfies and frustrates. It is, at the same time, the ability to experience and accept ourselves as a complete being, with virtues and flaws.

Manifestation of deficiency: the inability to integrate positive and negative qualities of people, events, activities… makes a person unrealistic, unable to see and accept that no one and nothing is ideal or satanic, that people, the world, life, are not black and white. Such a person will communicate with “partial objects”, with one dimension of the people with whom they are in contact, one dimension of the activities they engage in, one dimension of life. The person is unrealistic, idealizes and then gets disappointed. They begin with euphoria, then become disillusioned and give up or turn against. The experience of self is also fragmented. A person is “not whole”, “from one piece”…

Developed ability: Realistic, integrated perception of reality, other people, work, activities, oneself… Realistic expectations from oneself, from others. Acceptance of limitations. Willingness to invest energy, emotions, and effort in achieving desired relationships and goals, despite limitations and the fact that nothing is perfect.

Object constancy

When we say that a person has developed object constancy, it actually means that their connection with the beloved object is stabilized and becomes an extended internal connection, independent of the satisfaction of needs. In simpler terms, we can love someone even when they don’t meet our needs and we can “have them in us”. We are not dependent on their physical presence. When the beloved object is some goal of ours: a job, a task we have set for ourselves, we have a clear awareness of what we want, regardless of whether we are rewarded at a certain moment for our activities, whether the achievement of the goal is far away.

Manifestation of deficiency: An adult who has not developed this ability will tend towards dependence in their emotional relationships, possession or control of the loved object, constant physical presence… or loss of feelings as soon as the object of love is not there or does not satisfy a need. In relation to work: an activity that a person normally likes, a job that they like, can be abandoned as soon as it does not satisfy the need in an easy way, if it requires something from the person that is not easy for them to do, that requires a certain sacrifice. The person is “short of breath”, has great fluctuations in working abilities and expects success overnight. They lose their will when things don’t go easily, when there is no immediate reward for activity, when gratification is delayed. A person has an excessive need and tendency to rely on others to fulfill needs and tasks, they cannot do it alone.

Developed ability: Realistic perception of reality, other people, work, activities… Realistic expectations from oneself, from others. Acceptance of limitations. Willingness to invest energy, emotions, and effort in achieving desired relationships and goals, despite limitations and the fact that nothing is perfect.

Frustration tolerance

The ability to cope with the discomfort that the failure of some of our needs causes in us.

Manifestation of deficiency: Denying the existence of desire – denying the psychological desire for growth and development, devaluing the desire in order to avoid anxiety due to the inability of the person to cope with their frustration. Avoiding situations that cause frustration. Projection of desire in others, “living through the successes of others”.

Developed ability: A person does not give up their desires and goals. They are able to handle failure and dissatisfaction, which leads them to change the way they try to meet their own needs. They learn from their own failures. They correct unsuccessful ways, replace them with new ones, change the strategy, adjust the amount of required effort, the quality of effort… It is the flexible ability to assume the leadership function, without unconscious phobic reactions from the position itself.

Ambivalence tolerance

The ability to tolerate conflicting feelings towards another person, oneself, activities… with a predominance of positive feelings. The ability to decide. To move towards or away from something.

Manifestation of deficiency: – at the same time, in the same activity, conflicting feelings towards the same object (person, activity) coexist with each other, without any indication of conflict: I do something, but so as to undo what I do.

-opposite feelings are divided in time: “one day I love, another day I hate, one day I work, another day I neglect or spoil what I have done”.

-suppressing the negative side by exaggerating the positive (I become a perfectionist, I want to do something so “well” that, in the end, I fail to meet my own criteria, so I give up, or I get sick of it, or it’s so hard for me that I can hardly force myself… I’m constantly worried about work… it’s weighing me down so much that I don’t want to go into it…

-suppressing the positive side by emphasizing the negative: “it’s so difficult and complicated… that it’s easier to devalue it: college is stupid, it’s only for nerds, I don’t even want to graduate…” overemphasizing the negative qualities of another person or activity – which enables repression of positive aspects.

– Superficiality. It is, in fact, fragmenting the relationship into small pieces. This results in the discharge of tension through “a large number of small holes”, on several channels, none of which is of sufficient importance. “A little bit of everything, not enough of anything” strategy. A person does not get attached to a single object or activity and does not develop the intensity of attachment that would lead to strong emotions of love and hate, thus avoiding the conflict of ambivalence. The strategy “he wanted a lot, started a lot…but he didn’t finish anything”. Preoccupation with numerous activities without denting into any of them.

Manifesting developed ability: A person is able to decide whether to stay in that relationship or activity, despite negative feelings towards a person or activity. “Will or won’t”. When they want to invest in someone/something, they really mean it (despite being aware that they have some negative feelings towards the relationship or activity). When they walk away, then they make a clear decision and do not engage in a relationship or activity. When they work, they do not obstruct themselves with ambivalence, they don’t “put pistons under their own wheels”, they do not procrastinate, or overdo it. They work in accordance with the requirements of the task – goal they have set. Not too much, not too little. As much as it is necessary to achieve the goal. No major fluctuations in working abilities (unless they are influenced by health).

The will

The ability to invest continuous efforts in achieving development goals – the ability of a person to develop into an independent individual. Deep, inner orientation (intentionality) towards the goal, towards change. Will is the central force of our individuation.

Manifestation of deficiency : listlessness, inability of a person to move, invest energy, lack of energy to maintain movement, loss of ambition, of “will to live”. Parasitism (survival at the expense of others) or “counter-will” (for two-year-olds it is a normal developmental stage), that manifests itself as “I will not” that opposes the will of others, what “must be done”. Refusal to accept what is necessary to achieve one’s own goals – because it is perceived as imposed. Age-inappropriate self-will and will that turns against itself.

Developed ability: It manifests itself in the psychological achievement of creative well-being at three developmental levels: 1.) The level of voluntary acceptance of obligations – the person accepts what they previously perceived as coercion. 2.) The creative phase refers to the fact that a person is willing to do what they want (achieving their own goals). A person has the capacity to uphold the ideals that they themselves have created. Creative will is self-serving without dominating others. 3.) Transpersonal will – need that appears after acquiring an identity, striving to extend the identity to others, to the common good, to investing in something bigger than ourselves.

Initiative

The ability to take responsibility for starting something, the ability to think and act without being asked by another person. The ability to initiate something independently, the willingness to take the first step, as well as the responsibility for it, to persevere in the activity started. Initiative is when “I recognize and do what I think needs to be done before someone asks me to do it”…

Manifestation of deficiency : A person cannot initiate anything by themselves, they wait to be “told”, for someone else to start… they can accept and work on what others have started, but cannot start something alone. There is an aversion to any risk, lack of initiative. Avoiding any highlighting, exposing, showing off… or intrusive (obtrusive, breakthrough) initiative. A person initiates things, but does not take into account needs or the well-being of others, imposes their own activities, does not allow others to take initiative… They exploit others, they are reckless… they must be on the top in everything. They have no sense of reciprocity.

Developed ability : Proactivity. A person is able to develop activities or projects, has confidence and conviction that it is okay to do so, even if there is a risk of failure or mistakes. Has a sense of purpose and direction, ability to make decisions, collaborate with and lead others, ability to define personal direction and goals, ability to take initiative and take appropriate risks. In relationships, they have a clear sense of reciprocity.

These abilities are, like atoms, in conjunction and interaction, creating more complex “molecules” of the psyche: abilities to love and work.

The OLI IPP psychotherapist works on two levels: the level of content and the level of process. Listening to the content that the client presents, talking to them about that content, life events, their relationships, love and work, the OLI IPP therapist pays special attention to the patterns that the client applies, to the typical ways in which they process their experiences and the emotions that these experiences cause.

 

The structure of the psychotherapy process according to the OLI method

The process of psychotherapy can be divided into 3 phases : 1. The initial phase (the phase of defining goals, establishing a working alliance, clarifying the therapeutic situation…) 2. The phase of psychotherapy work on insights and change and 3. The phase of ending the psychotherapy process. (chart 1)

INITIAL PHASE

*Initial contact – brief information about the type of problem the client comes with, giving basic information to the client about the price, conditions, setting, arranging the first meeting. *The first interview – clarifying the goals of the psychotherapy process, work methods, client’s motivation for psychotherapy, clarifying misconceptions about psychotherapy if there are any. *Initial meetings – clarification of the client’s symptoms, complaints, when did they occur, living conditions and events during that period, additional clarification of the psychotherapy principles, more precise definition of goals, creation of a suitable emotional atmosphere for discovery and research, creation of a working alliance with the client.

PSYCHOTHERAPY PHASE – DEVELOPMENT PHASE

*Recognizing patterns in the client’s functioning that may be related to symptoms and dissatisfactions because they lead to consequences that the client does not want. Identifying “counter-skills” *Recognizing the secondary benefits that client has from those patterns. *Recognition and analysis of resistance to psychotherapy and change. *Recognition and analysis of the client’s transference in the relationship with the therapist and other persons outside the therapy situation. *Rebuilding the working alliance when it weakens under the influence of resistance or transference. *Recognizing deficiencies in the development of basic emotional competencies, *Working on the development of basic emotional competencies, *Evaluation of progress and changes, achievement of set goals.

FINAL PHASE

*Recognition of separation themes, an indication that the client is preparing for the end of the psychotherapy process. *Working on separation anxiety. *Identification of separation resistances, working on those resistances. *Creating a plan for bringing the psychotherapy process to an end, methods of separation that suit the client. *Final session, evaluation, exchange of feedback on key aspects of psychotherapy that contributed to the change, exchange of emotions that both client and psychotherapist have about the end, agreements on the possibility of continuation or occasional consultations if necessary.

In the initial phase of work, there are no special methodological differences between OLI IPP and other psychodynamically oriented psychotherapy schools. It is aimed at setting psychotherapy goals, defining the therapeutic situation, way of working, creating a working alliance… The specificities of OLI IPP are shown in the second phase of psychotherapy work.

 

2. Psychotherapy phase – Phase of elaboration, recognition of the client’s patterns

When we have defined with the client what they want to work on, what kind of changes they want, the way it will work, the conditions… we can start with psychotherapy. It usually starts with questions related to the problem for which the client turns to the psychotherapist:

– When did the problem arise, in what period of life

– Did something significant happen then, some changes, problems in the family, at work, in marriage, stressful situations, traumas…the circumstances in which the client was living at that time.

-Which of these could have been a possible cause of the problem as a client’s reaction to the situation, a form of adaptation…

– Circumstances in which the client now lives. Is something in those circumstances perpetuating the problem? Is there any similarity between the situations in which the problem arose and the situation in the present?

Through the answers to these questions, the psychotherapist learns about the client’s life story, significant events from their life and how they affected the client, important decisions and persons who had a significant impact on the client’s development and the possible emergence of client’s problems. In order for clients to be able to work on structuring their life story themselves, discovering and connecting the influence of various life periods, key events, decisions and persons, we have developed a special OLI protocol “Authentic personality” that IPP psychotherapists (and other revealing schools) can use in their work with clients. The insights gained from the client’s work on the protocol can be worked on in individual sessions with a psychotherapist or in a psychotherapy group. The ego is a “story teller,” says Jane Loevinger ^[149]. A mature Ego, aware of itself, is able to tell a mature, concise story of its life and development. This OLI protocol is helpful to the client in discovering key “scenes”, characters, decisions, events, the atmosphere in which they grew up and in which they live… from which, by connecting the dots, the client can be helped to tell such a story about their life from which the “main character” will be understandable to oneself and others. However, by getting to know the client’s life story, we are still moving on the level of content. During this time, the OLI IPP therapist observes and works on the process level as well, which is a special feature of IPP as an approach.

 

Two levels of psychotherapeutic work: content level and process level

            -OLI IPP therapist works on two levels: level of content and level of process .

In terms of content, the therapist follows the client’s story , their relationships with people, problems, history of problems, childhood, youth, transfers to later relationships, character patterns, psychodynamics, helps the client in reconstruction, “connecting the dots” of their life story into a mature story about themselves.

At the level of the process, the therapist follows how the client processes emotions regarding the content they present, looking for typical patterns of thinking, behavior, processing emotions. He becomes aware of those patterns with the client, the consequences of those patterns on the functioning of the client, determines the “zone of proximal development” of the client’s emotional competencies and creates a plan for the development of those competencies and “transfer of functions” (through declarative and procedural learning, the therapist transfers to the client his developed functions, abilities for mature processing of emotions and their management).

– The work of the OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapist acquires its specific characteristics in this phase of psychotherapy work:

Recognition of secondary gains, defense mechanisms and counter-skills

(the concepts of secondary gain and counter-skill are described in the previous chapter)

How are counter-skills recognized?

They are most easily recognized by stable and repeatable results. If something that the client doesn’t want happens to them often or even regularly, they certainly have a skill to make such stable results, even if they are unaware of it. We can’t accidentally put the ball in the basket 50 times in a row. We cannot accidentally choose violent partners, remain deceived and disappointed, cause conflict in the relationship, divorce more than once… This requires skill, that is, counter-skill. This is both good and bad news for the client. After all, the consequences are something that they produced. If they could create some consequences, or contribute to them, they can also develop skills that lead to more desirable consequences. If they are active in creating problems, they can be active in fixing and changing them. The “bad news” is that the client realizes that they are not only a victim of the problem and so they may feel guilty or ashamed of what they have discovered about themselves. Empathy and non-judgment attitude on the therapist’s part are key in this process. When the counter-skill is recognized, it is important to be aware of the details, exactly how, by which behaviors and procedures the client achieves results. The technique of “creating a seminar” out of counter-skills proved to be a good and even fun technique, especially when working in a group. “How to always stay without a partner”, “how to always have it your way”… (numerous books with titles like “how to ruin your own marriage”, “how to spoil a child” are also popular). If someone wanted to buy that skill, the clients would be experts. In creating such “as-if” workshops or training programs in counter-skills, clients can be very creative, develop good rationalizations for why it is good to have such a skill, even find a quote, a poem, a thought of a famous author that supports it. In this way, with a dose of self-directed humor, clients more easily recognize their secondary gains, rationalizations, perhaps even neurotic pride in their twisted traits and skills. Whoever learns to laugh at their own weaknesses is on the right path to change.

Working with resistance and transference

      We can expect that, even if we establish a good working alliance with the client in working with clearly defined goals, there will be resistance to the psychotherapy process when we come to sensitive, unpleasant contents or when some change should occur that causes anxiety in the client. Most clients want change, which they cite as the goal of psychotherapy, but would like to avoid the price that needs to be paid for change. Development hurts. There is always a certain ambivalence towards change, the therapy process… ambivalence between what is mature, more self-sustaining, more independent, but difficult… and what is routine, more dependent, more childish, but easier (except for the consequences of such patterns that the client does not want). Resistance in psychotherapy is, in fact, a kind of “bargaining”, a struggle to get the desired “goods” but, if possible, not to pay the full price of development. “Penny and the bun” unconscious dynamics.

We could say that the standard psychoanalytic method, as Freud (1959 ^[150]) formulated it, is basically directed towards the development of ambivalence tolerance. Analysis of resistance is, basically, a procedure aimed at overcoming ambivalence, revealing repressed ambivalent feelings through insight or interpretation. The standard psychoanalytic method that was aimed at working with people with a neurotic personality organization implies a “constructed or intact ego”, i.e. a sufficiently developed capacity for object wholeness and constancy, as well as ambivalence tolerance, which, through therapy, is strengthened (Jovanović, N 2013). Let’s see how:

The basic rule – the rule of free association

The analysand turns to the analyst for help because they are in a state of tension. They are looking for a “cure” to release this tension. The analyst offers them a “cure” – a way by which they can get to the truth about themselves and create the conditions to change what creates tension. The basic rule, the rule of free association, refers to the conditions necessary for the analysand to reach their subjective truth – their own subjective reality. It is a type of research design. Freud (1976 ^[151]) says: “We instruct the patient to transfer themselves to a state of calm self-observation without thinking and to communicate all their internal perceptions that they might have: feelings, thoughts, memories, in the order in which they occur to them. At the same time, we expressly warn them not to yield to any motive that would like to make some choice or exclusion among thoughts, whether the motive is: it is too unpleasant, or too indiscreet to be able to say, or it is too insignificant, it does not belong here, or it is meaningless, it should not be said. We tell them to always walk only on the surface of their consciousness, to leave out any criticism that comes their way, no matter what kind of criticism it is, and we tell them, in confidence, that the success of the treatment, and above all its duration, depends on the conscientiousness with which they adhere to this the basic rule of analysis.” The basic rule is a recommendation of a research method where one tries to overcome the distorting influence of moral factors on the perception of internal and external reality – truth. The analysand is unable to adhere to it from the beginning, even if there is a conscious intention, because there is an inner “strife” between “is” and “should be” – the moral and the true, as well as a fear (caused by the inner “strife”) of possible conflicts between the analyst’s supposed moral “should be” and the analysand’s truth. Consistent adherence to an accepting and non-judgmental attitude by the analyst (“attitude of neutrality”, non-valuation of the content presented by the client), allows to reduce the fear of moral judgment from outside and inside. Free association is learned by overcoming resistance.

Psychotherapy situation and ambivalence

The client turns to the therapist for help because they are at a standstill that prevents further growth of their personality. They are in a state of tension that motivates them for therapy. Revealing psychotherapy is a process that leads to the removal of those obstacles that immobilize the client and the realization of their nature, and that is why this process is aimed at revealing those forces that lead to stagnation. Revealing therapy, therefore, usually begins with the client feeling that they are in a state of dissonance and tension and that they cannot overcome this state on their own. They turn to the therapist for help and, after elucidating their motivation, expectations from the therapist and therapy, the therapist makes a certain type of contract with them that they (the client) will work on discovering, understanding and overcoming those forces within themselves that prevent them from developing. The therapist will try to help them with their understanding and knowledge. A revealing psychotherapist, regardless of orientation, has certain ways to help the client discover these strengths.

Since the therapeutic process is directed towards the development of the person, the forces that hinder that process are the same forces that defend the neurosis (that which is old, close and infantile) from change. These are the same forces that once had the function of defending the ego from danger (external and internal) and now, when there is no longer a real need for it, they still work to stop its development and resist therapeutic work directed to it. Neurotic defenses are “guardians of the acquired balance, which deprives the individual of various pleasures, but makes them relatively safe.” There are, therefore, conflicting forces within the person. Some push in the direction of development (and these are the ones that bring them to therapy), and others tend to maintain the status quo. The therapeutic situation becomes an arena of ambivalence in which these forces collide. The therapist supports those forces that strive for development, establishes with the client a “working alliance”, “contract”, “therapeutic alliance”… and helps them to discover (recognition and confrontation), understand (illumination and interpretation) and overcome (working through) resistances which stop the progress of therapy, i.e. its development. We have listed the forces in the client that oppose the therapeutic process and the forces that resist it on page 110 of this manual.

Working with resistance in OLI IPP

The principles of working with resistance in OLI IPP are similar to those in psychoanalysis, except that the working alliance is not made only in relation to the rule of free association. In addition to free association, which is only one of the techniques, the client and the therapist make various agreements about the client’s activities in and outside of therapy. Other techniques are also used (in relation to which resistance may also appear), work tasks related to the introduction of changes in the client’s life, research into new patterns of behavior. Resistance, therefore, can appear and be analyzed in relation to everything that is agreed upon and included in the working alliance between the client and the psychotherapist.

Resistance analysis

            Revealing the truth about oneself is met with intense resistance by the analysand . By definition, resistance is all those forces in the analysand that resist the therapeutic process and change. To some extent, it is present from the beginning to the end of the therapy. Although some aspects may be conscious, resistances are mostly unconscious.Resistances are not something for which the analysand should feel guilty, as a bad patient, for they are not offenses (although the analysand often feels that way).

The analyst does not value them, as the analysand’s failure, mistake, lack of goodwill, etc. His job is to recognize them and communicate this to the analysand. The announcement is in the form of an hypothesis, e.g. “It seems to me that you are avoiding…” which should be checked.

The analyst needs to understand that their resistances are something they do, their activity, and not something that happens to them. Becoming aware of these resistances, they become responsible for them, overcoming them and continuing the therapeutic process. Awareness is the basis for responsibility and leads, as Sass (1978 ^[152]) says, from the language of utterance to the language of responsibility. The language of responsibility is an indicator of overcoming ambivalence.

The analysand has the right to resist and to decide, according to their capabilities, when and how to leave them, but they should be aware that the success and speed of the therapeutic process is in their hands. Attempts to “disintegrate”, “break through” resistance with “deep” interpretations or other violent means, disrespect the analyst’s autonomy, their pace of development and, in essence, only strengthen the resistance, which often finds much more subtle, harder to notice forms of action.

One of the basic “technical” recommendations in working with resistance is to always “start from the surface” (what is on the surface of consciousness at that moment), from the Ego towards the Id. By respecting the resistance, we respect the analysand themselves, not trying to, “for their sake”, take over their responsibility and the right to decide . The understanding of interpretation as “pouring” of the analyst’s ready-made truths about the analysand is wrong. Interpreting is a process of gradual confrontation of the analysand with their truth about themselves (confrontation with ambivalence), which they should come to themselves.

Another important recommendation that follows from the first one is to always analyze the resistance first and then the content . And this recommendation indicates that the analysis of something that the analysand does not want to be analyzed (regardless of the fact that “I don’t want to” is unconscious) would be disrespecting the analysand and hinder the development of the relationship in the direction of autonomy, which must always be kept in mind. Analyzing resistance before content is, in effect, strengthening ambivalence tolerance before confronting the content of ambivalence.

There are various classifications of resistance . It is of practical importance to distinguish the resistance close to Ego (Ego syntonic) from the resistance foreign to Ego (Ego dystonic). In the case of resistances that are foreign to the ego, the analyst is ready to work on overcoming them, because they perceive them as “enemies in their own ranks”. The work is much more difficult when the resistances are perceived as close, rational and purposeful. They are more difficult to recognize and it is more difficult to establish a working alliance with the analysand’s rational Ego to work on them. These are usually well-established, habitual patterns of behavior, character traits, often socially desirable, character resistances, reactive formations, counterphobic attitudes… The analyst will often say: well, that’s me, that’s my character. By attacking such resistances, we attack the analysand themselves (their perception of themselves). In order to analyze such resistances, it is necessary for the analyst to understand that they are also “enemies in their own ranks”, to distance themselves from them. This is possible only if they are able to “balance” what they get from those evasive ways of behavior, on the one hand, and what they would get by abandoning them. But, in order to reach a situation of comparison – that is, the ability to be aware of conflicting aspirations and emotions, ambivalence towards change, both “sides of the coin” must be clearly accessible to their consciousness, which requires the ability to tolerate ambivalence, so that, through mental and emotional processing, client may choose and “turn” to the side of development, towards the resolution of ambivalence…

Usually, in the beginning, one works with resistances that are foreign to the Ego. Success in overcoming them and accepting the detached parts of their experience (with acceptance by the therapist), the resulting changes in self-perception, give the analysand such an experience of well-being and encourage them to face even stronger resistances, including those that were Ego syntonic. That process is, in fact, the education of the analysand for therapy – the training of ambivalence tolerance. On the basis of positive experiences in self-research, a “working alliance” is created. When a working alliance is created, the analysand begins to recognize and analyze their own resistances.

All mental and physical capabilities can be used for the purpose of resistance. Resistance can be manifested through emotions, attitudes, behavior, body posture, fantasies… i.e., everything can be a function of resistance. Interpreting resistance is not giving ready-made “truths” discovered by the analyst through “brainstorming” the analysand, which is a widespread belief. It is a process of gradually arriving at answers to the questions of what, how and why the analysand avoids, in which the role of the analysand in finding the answers is active. The process of analyzing resistance includes five steps (Greenson, R. 1978 ^[153]):

1. Recognition:

Before the analysis of resistance can begin, it must be recognized. Resistance is recognized as the inability to adhere to the basic rule of free association , silence, through the absence or inadequacy of feelings, body posture, non-verbal expression, talking about irrelevant things or external events, being late, missing meetings, having secrets, acting out, absence of change and through many other forms of manifestation. In OLI IPP, resistance is recognized as non-adherence or inability to adhere to therapeutic agreements.

As all defensive possibilities of the analysand can serve the purposes of resistance, it is not possible to enumerate all possible manifestations of resistance. The way resistance is manifested is individual for each analysand. The question that the analyst always asks himself is: does it seem to me that the analyst is moving towards something, towards some knowledge, insight, truth, or away from it? When he feels that analysand is going towards something, he does not interrupt them, but follows the development of the situation. Then when he feels that there has been a deadlock on that path, that the analysand is avoiding something, the analyst confronts them with that evasive behavior.

• Confronting or demonstrating resistance

It is the second step in resistance analysis. Demonstration may be relatively simple or unnecessary if the resistance is obvious to the analysand. How and when will we confront the analysand with resistance? Here we also have several “technical” recommendations that reflect the importance of respecting the autonomy of the analyst, and show that the mentioned values are woven through the “technique”. Let’s start from the question of how. Confrontation is in the form of an hypothesis that the analysand, i.e. further development of the situation, should confirm . The analyst does not claim that the analysand avoids something, but rather suggests it and also presents the reasons for which he assumes this – he explains to the analysand the way in which he came to those assumptions. Firstly, he may not be right, and secondly, even if he is right, the analysand has the possibility to avoid facing resistance, if he is not ready for it. By showing the analysand how he arrived at his assumption, the analyst demystifies his thought process. He is not a “mind reader”, but only uses a method of reaching knowledge that is available to the analysand and that the analysand adopts over time. Thus, he becomes an active, equal collaborator, which favors the development of a working alliance.

When to confront the analysand with resistance? It will depend on two things: the state of the analysand’s rational Ego and the liveliness of the resistance. We are all sometimes ready or not ready to accept some truth about ourselves, depending on the “mood” and, of course, on who tells it to us. A highly intelligent Ego will be able to accept and perceive even the slightest resistance, while a weakened Ego will deny even obvious manifestations of resistance. Nothing can be done by force and “everything in its own time”, as the folk wisdom says. The state of the rational Ego constantly varies during therapy and depends, to a large extent, on the relationship with the therapist, the state of the working alliance, outside-of-analysis events, regression and many other factors. Therefore, it is necessary for the analyst, through observation and empathy, to recognize the state of the analysand’s rational Ego, especially the ability to tolerate ambivalence, in order to determine how clear the evidence of resistance must be for the analysand to recognize them.

Similarly, an empathic parent is generally clear when it is possible to “prove” something to their child and when it is not. Therefore, we will confront the analysand with resistance only when we feel that the confrontation will make sense for them, regardless of how evident the resistance is to us. If the confrontation has no true value for the analysand at that moment, because they are unable to accept it, any insistence is a reflection of misunderstanding and disrespect for their current limitations. The analyst’s interventions should not only be truthful, but also timely, because the truth, without respecting the person’s ability to accept it, is not effective.        

• Clarification:

When the analysand is faced with resistance and has become aware of their avoidance, it becomes the subject of further investigation. It is clear to them that they are resisting, but there is a certain vagueness and a feeling of incompleteness of knowledge.

In trying to clarify these ambiguities, we can turn the research in three directions. One would be to seek an answer to the question why , the second what the analysand avoids, and the third how they do it. The first two questions refer to the motive of resistance, and the third to the means of avoidance.

Clarification of motives is interrelated with methods of resistance. Regardless of whether a motive or a method of avoidance is being sought, the analyst seeks to sharpen the focus on the psychological processes that he analyzes and isolates the particular motives or methods of resistance that he tries to explain and to separate significant details from irrelevant matters. Approaching the elucidation of resistance is, most often, through an emotional component. The question of why the analysand resists can be reduced to the question of what unpleasant feeling they are trying to avoid. The answer to that question is usually closer to consciousness than the answer to the question which content (what), ie. which instinctual impulses, aspects of the relationship with the object or traumatic memories cause the painful emotional state.

By shedding light on the resistance, the analyst tries to determine the analysand’s feelings in the simplest, clearest, concrete and direct language possible, posing his observation as a hypothesis (It seems that you…, as if…, it seems to me…) which is confirmed or rejected. All these steps are preparation for interpretation. Often these steps are performed by the analysand themselves, and it is best if the interpretation comes from their side as well. Sometimes all actions take place almost simultaneously, or in reverse order, insight can precede the confrontation and clarification of resistance.

• Interpretation:

It is obvious that interpreting is a process of arriving at the truth about oneself in which the analysand is active. Interpretation – insight is the moment when there is a discovery (“Eureka” experience), a process of learning through discovery, a qualitative leap in moving unconscious contents into conscious ones and connecting them – integrating them into a person’s personality. We stated earlier that interpretation is not the “speculation” of the analyst to decipher some sense from the enigmatic material produced by the analyst that would fit into the psychoanalytic theory and thus confirm the theory by spinning it in circles. Interpretation – insight is the analyst’s truth. It comes as the crown of a research process, when the truth is already in the preconscious, “on the tip of the tongue”, when the analyst is ready to let it into consciousness and accept it. Once they are ready to tolerate the coexistence of conflicting emotions – to tolerate ambivalence. There is no fear that the analysand will actually accept the “truths” imposed on them. They may, for some transference reasons (suggestible), agree with a theory, the analyst’s idea, but, says Freud (1976): “Whoever performed the analysis himself could be convinced countless times that it is impossible to suggest to the patient in that way. It is not difficult to sway them to become a supporter of a certain theory and thus also participate in some possible error of the doctor. Therefore, the client will behave like others, like a student, but this only affects their intelligence, not their illness.

However, the resolution of their conflicts and the overcoming of their resistances can only be achieved if they are given such preparatory representations that are in accordance with the reality within them. What was incorrect in the doctor’s assumptions, turns out again during the analysis, must be withdrawn and replaced with what is more accurate.” It sounds paradoxical, but it seems that a person can be, on one level, very suggestible and “naive”, while on another level they are not susceptible to suggestion and cannot be deceived. Therefore, the analysand will really accept the interpretation and assimilate it only if they perceive it as the truth about themselves and if they are ready to receive it.

• Working through:

No matter how skillfully we work the resistances, they will keep coming back. It is necessary to work them through. Ambivalence tolerance is a skill, and the skill is built gradually. A new insight is a hypothesis that needs to be constantly tested in new situations. An interpretation given once, even if it is dynamically and economically correct, is not the “whole truth”, but only a partial discovery. A mental structure that has been maintained for years or decades does not change easily. There are no miracles. This working through usually takes the longest. Everyone has their own rhythm of changing and assimilating truth, accepting and resolving ambivalence.

The therapist’s need to speed up that rhythm is inconsistent with the principle of respect for autonomy. After successfully analyzing the resistance, the analysand often becomes more mobile, more elastic, brings in a new material, but then comes to something against which there is a stronger defense. Sometimes it is enough to remind the analysand of the previous conversation about resistance, but usually this is not the case. The analysis process starts again, but this time somewhat easier and faster. This re-demonstrating of the same thing in different situations, relationships and at different times is working through. The analysis lasts as long as the analyst needs for the working-through process. This process continues even after the therapy. Probably through a whole life. The point at which the analysand feels that there has been enough analysis and that they can continue the process of development without the help of the therapist is a matter for their decision. This is not decided by the analyst based on some “criteria of normality”. The analyst autonomously decides on the completion of their analysis.

Note: about work with resistance and transference, with numerous examples of work, can be read in detail in the manual “Psychoanalysis and non-directive counseling “, Jovanović, N. 1985 ^[154])

Transference

Resistance and transference are the two cornerstones on which the psychoanalytic method rests. Freud (1959) believed that any work that results from resistance and transference can be called psychoanalysis, regardless of whether it will lead to different results than his own.

Working definition : Transference is experiencing feelings, fantasies, attitudes, urges and defenses towards a person in the present that is not adequate in relation to that person, but is a repetition of reactions towards significant persons in early childhood, transferred to persons in the present. In a psychotherapy situation, the person to whom the transference is made is the therapist.

By trying to understand the client, working on their resistances and supporting their growth, the therapist becomes an important person in the client’s life. A special kind of object connection develops between them. The therapist becomes, in a way, the “third parent “. In this new relationship, the client sees the possibility of meeting needs that were not met by the important persons from childhood towards whom they were directed, revives them and thus gains a chance to resolve the conflict in a better way. So, in the therapy situation, a kind of reaction towards the therapist develops, which, for the most part, does not suit the therapist, and which is in fact a transference, in a new edition, of the old object relationship. It is primarily an unconscious phenomenon and the person who reacts with transference feelings is, for the most part, unaware of the distortion.

Transference can consist of any of the components of the object relationship and can manifest itself in feelings, fantasies, attitudes, ideas, or defenses against them. The persons who are the original sources of the transference reactions are important persons from early childhood. Transference is not a product of analysis. It occurs in and out of therapy in neurotic, psychotic and healthy people. All human relationships contain a mixture of realistic and transference reactions. It is important to note that transference is something that happens “here and now”, a journey into the past through the transmission of the past into the present, which makes it available for observation . Transference reactions are experienced as actual, as reality. At a certain moment, the transference manifests itself as resistance, and when it is recognized and experienced as such, the process of analysis that we described in the work with resistance is approached .

The transference component of the relationship appears to varying degrees in every human relationship, and in every therapeutic situation, and becomes the source of the strongest resistance, the resolution of which can lead to the most significant therapeutic effects. Whether we say that a person is “playing games” as in TA (transactional analysis) or “acting out unfinished business” as in Gestalt therapy or something else, we will notice that these are behaviors that do not fit the current situation. By analyzing them, we could discover that they were acquired in a relationship with significant persons from early childhood. Illuminating the relationship between therapist and client (especially negative feelings) should be the “daily bread” of every analytical work. As in resistance analysis, in order to analyze it, the transference reaction must first be recognized.

In OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, we understand transference a little differently . We do not believe that this is a transference of relations from the past to the present, but that the tendency towards transference reaction is woven into the structure of the client, through the degree of development of their basic emotional competencies. A person does not have intense transference relationships with all people because not all relationships are intense.

However, the “failure” of emotional abilities is shown in close relationships, where the “current” is stronger and where “the system cracks under load”. Transference, in our view, occurs when the relationship becomes intense . Not because something is transferred from the past to the present, but because, under the load of the intensity of the relationship, deficiencies in the functioning of basic emotional abilities are manifested . The transference will not be solved just by connecting the relationship to the therapist with the relationships to significant people from the past. That is important, but not enough. A new, corrective emotional experience is necessary through which the client will build or unblock basic emotional abilities. It is not only insight that is “healing”, but also submitting to that insight in a new relationship of trust, which is built, first of all, through a different, corrective relationship with the therapist and the development of basic emotional competencies. As competences strengthen, the intensity of the transference and distortion of the perception of the other person that it carries with it weakens.

How to recognize a transference?

Characteristics of transference reactions:

inadequacy, intensity, ambivalence, moodiness and persistence.       

Inadequacy : In life, we often encounter a situation where one person’s reaction to another does not match the behavior of that other person. In such situations, we can often hear the following: “It’s not my fault that your wife is getting on your nerves. Yell at her, not me” or “Why are you clinging on to me, I’m not your mom to hold you on my chest?” and so on. Such inadequacy, both in life and in a therapeutic situation, is the first sign that there is a transference reaction. Transference reactions are inadequate in terms of quality, quantity and duration in the current situation, but they were adequate in the past . If the client, who came to change something, opposes the therapeutic procedure, they are behaving inadequately . They want something and at the same time act against what they want. In this sense, resistance is also a transference phenomenon, because it does not correspond to the current (therapeutic) situation, and defense arose as an attempt to adapt in the past.

Intensity: Intense emotional reactions towards the therapist are mostly signs of transference. In the analytic situation, in which the behavior of the analyst generally does not give rise to them, the inadequacy of the reaction intensity is easily noticeable. The therapist can, however, realistically provide a reason for an intense reaction, that is, in that case, adequate to the current situation. Often countertransference reactions (irrational transference reactions of the therapist to the client) of the analyst are the causes of such reactions of the client. Neurotic people are particularly prone to transference reactions in life, usually towards people who have a certain function as their parents used to have (because the relationship is more intense then and it “triggers” the manifestation of the deficit of basic emotional abilities). These are usually lovers, authorities, leaders, doctors, teachers, celebrities, actors, priests. They, like the therapist, are only triggers for transference reactions . Clients fall in love with the therapist, attribute to him some qualities they have not had the opportunity to meet, hate him, suspect him, express sexual desires. Intense emotions of transference reactions are the driving energy base of therapeutic work. Representations originating from those who have not sufficiently understood the analytic method see it as a largely intellectual discussion of symptoms. Such representations are incorrect.

The absence of emotional reactions is a sign of resistance. The therapist, because of the function he has, is a person important to the client and if the client’s feelings related to the therapist do not appear in the therapeutic situation, then they are suppressed, hidden or moved to some other person, usually a person that the client, in some way, connects with a therapist.

Ambivalence: All transference reactions are ambivalent. One aspect of the feeling remains unconscious or hidden, while the other is manifested. In the previous example, we could see how the hostile aspect shifted to other persons. Clients seem to, in a way, want to convince themselves that they have only one type of feeling towards the therapist, and that the other, usually the opposite, does not exist. Some find it easier to express tender feelings, love for the therapist, or sexual desires, masking suspicion and hostility, while for others it is the other way around. Such a split arose in relation to some of the parents. The manifestation of the other side and the synthesis of opposite feelings remained “unfinished business” that prevents the client from achieving new relationships in another way. The client needs to complete this “work” in therapy so that they can freely engage in other work, building real relationships.

Variability: Transference reactions are erratic and capricious. Feelings towards the therapist can often quickly and unexpectedly change to the opposite, which is a reflection of their ambivalence. Often the client’s assumptions or fantasies about the meaning of a therapist’s behavior lead to a sudden change in attitude towards the therapist during or after the meeting. A sudden change in feelings can also be the result of a real mistake on the part of the therapist. He should always keep that possibility in mind. Regardless of the cause, such sudden changes usually become resistance and need to be analyzed.

Persistence: Contrary to variability, certain transference reactions can be very persistent and last for a long time. While variable reactions occur more often at the beginning of the analysis, prolonged, rigid reactions are more common in the later stages . Such reactions always lack spontaneity , which is why they are recognized both in therapy and in life. It takes more time to notice them and they are often resistant to interpretation . Their long duration does not mean that therapeutic work has stopped, because during this time other aspects of the client’s neurosis can be worked on.

Note: numerous examples of recognizing transference reactions can be found in the manual “Psychoanalysis and non-directive counseling”, Jovanović, N. 1985 ^[155])

Transference analysis

In order to analyze it, the transference, as well as the resistance, should be developed . The analytical situation is such that it enables the client to develop all the variety and intensity of transference reactions in accordance with their individual history and needs.

What is it in the analytical relationship that enables the development of transference?

The psychoanalyst as a mirror:

Freud (1912 ^[156]) recommended that the psychoanalyst should be like a mirror in relation to the patient. This recommendation was misunderstood to mean that the analyst should be cold and unapproachable to the client. Such an understanding led to widespread stereotypes about the behavior of the analyst and the relationship between him and the client. The recommendation has a different meaning. This means that the analyst will not reflect to the client anything other than what they themselves have manifested. The analyst’s personal values will not enter into the analysis of the client’s conflict. His neutrality will allow the client to explore freely, and their distorted and unrealistic reactions to the analyst become noticeable.

The therapist is not looking for good nor bad in what the client presents to him, but the truth. Only in such conditions is it possible to consistently adhere to the basic rule. Such neutrality makes the personality of the therapist relatively anonymous for the client and they fill that empty space with their fantasies . If the analyst did not realistically provoke such fantasies with his behavior, then it is easier to demonstrate their unreality. We emphasize, once again, that this does not mean that the analyst should be cold, rigid or extremely passive, because that would make it impossible to create a working alliance, but unobtrusive, by not valuing and not bringing his attitudes, values and conflicts into the analysis of the client’s conflicts . This attitude of the analyst enables the free expression of the client’s ambivalent feelings, and the development of ambivalence tolerance.

Abstinence rule:

When a neurotic person is under tension, they find various ways to relieve, repress or partially discharge that tension (we talked about this in the chapter on problem of frustration tolerance). They can do this, for example, by taking alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, compulsive sexual and other activities, overeating, driving fast, constantly falling in love and in countless other ways. Through such discharges (without insight into the reasons for these behaviors), the person avoids the rise of tension and confrontation of its cause. When those valves are not enough, they come to therapy. In a therapy situation, when there is some unpleasant, repressed content, the tension will rise again and the client will try to use old ways of relief, or some new ones that have the same function . If they did this all the time, even the therapeutic situation would not allow them to face the feelings they avoid.

Therefore, these behaviors are recognized as resistance, a way to avoid tension and bring feelings into the therapeutic situation, or attempts to quickly relieve tension, and are analyzed as such. After a successful resistance analysis, the client learns that certain behaviors hinder the development of therapy, that is, their development, and learns to refrain from them. In this way, they learn the abstinence rule . The client is advised to refrain from making sudden changes or decisions before discussing this with the therapist . Any successful analysis of these behaviors should be used to face the client with the need to refrain from them. So, the basic meaning is that the client learns to refrain from current gratifications for the sake of future ones (this methodological aspect of the psychoanalytic method is very important for the development of frustration tolerance. Instead of relief that does not lead to development, the client learns to tolerate frustration. Of course, in the analytic situation, frustration must be optimal).

The abstinence rule, therefore, is not a prohibition by the therapist, because the basic assumption of therapy (the basic rule) is free expression, but a recommendation to refrain from certain behaviors that have been shown (by analysis) to be disruptive to analytical work. It is also important that the analyst’s behavior does not satisfy the client’s transference needs (thus reducing their tension) in order to enable facing them and analyzing them. In order to be able to confront and analyze the transference, the analyst should not “join the game”, that is, he must take care that the analysand does not make a secondary gain from working with him. The meaning of the abstinence rule is, therefore, that the client should learn to refrain from releasing tension in neurotic ways, and to bring that tension into the analytical situation and thus create the possibility of reaching the content that caused the tension.

This applies to the elimination of tension both outside the analysis and in the analysis in the relationship with the therapist. An increase in tension leads to a more intense development of transference feelings, and therefore it can be said that the abstinence rule promotes the development of transference. If the therapist tells the client that there is something they need to abstain from or does not meet their needs, he must also explain why. The client must be treated as a co-worker and as an adult. We cannot treat them like a child and expect them to become mature. And here we can see the combination of basic emotional abilities. The development of transference, through which ambivalence will be analyzed and worked through, where learning to tolerate and resolve it also requires a certain level of the ability to tolerate frustration, postpone relief and orient towards a more difficult, but developmentally better, way of dealing with tension – towards insight. Transference leads to greater tension in the relationship (positive or negative). Stronger emotions put basic abilities to the “temptation”, when their defects are shown, which gives the opportunity to recognize, analyze and correct these “breakdowns” in the basic tools for life through a corrective emotional experience with a psychotherapist.

When will we analyze the transference?

1. When it is in the function of resistance – transference is the driving force in therapy, but can also be a resistance, because it represents a repetition of some aspect of the relationship with the parents, instead of remembering and clarifying that relationship. We will only analyze transference when it starts to interfere with analytical work. As in resistance work, transference resistance must be demonstrable – the analysand must be able to perceive it. The procedure is the same (transference analysis is also resistance analysis).

When he recognizes the transference as resistance, the analyst can, for example, by remaining silent or in some other way (see the confrontation step in resistance analysis) confront the client with the resistance. He can, for example, tell him: “You seem to be avoiding your feelings about me…”, or “It’s like you’re afraid to express your anger towards me…”.

As with resistance, one should wait for the transference resistance to reach its optimal intensity, because only then can the client believe in what they see and experience. When a client asks us the question: “How do I know if it’s like that?” Is it true or my imagination?” – we should ask ourselves whether we too early got involved in interpretations, before they experienced it, or if their way of defense is that someone should immediately interpret their behavior in order to prevent fully experiencing it.

• When is the optimal level of intensity reached – what is that optimal level? It is not a fixed quantity, but depends on the state of the client’s ego. Basically, it is important that the transference experience is emotionally significant and meaningful for the client, but not to overwhelm them, to experience it as a trauma. The therapist should feel what that level is in each particular situation. It is the level that has put the basic emotional capacities under enough stress that they show their deficiencies, but not the level that has exceeded the capacity of the client’s basic emotional capacities to bear. If the transference is not analyzed when it reaches the optimal level, it occurs outside of therapy, or therapy is discontinued.
• When we think that our intervention will lead to new insight – New insights can come when analyzing transference resistance or when it becomes of optimal intensity, but there are also situations that require intervention, and when the question of resistance or the intensity of the transference reaction is not decisive . What characteristics should the material brought by the client have so that the interpretation or clarification could lead to new insight?

1. Contradiction – when there is a contradiction in the client’s attitudes or feelings, then they should be confronted with it. When transference reactions are a clear reflection of ambivalence.

Example: (Jovanović. N.)

Client Z. has had a positive paternal transference towards me with oedipal and phallic characteristics for almost a year. During that time, great hostility, jealousy and disgust towards the mother could be observed. In a series of meetings, she started comparing me to her husband. He seemed rude and insensitive, even brutal towards her at the time, while I seemed gentle, sensitive, and considerate to her. Despite this, she felt that I was also strong, confident and imaginative. She wanted a manly man who would be gentle. Love is more important than sex, there are bigger things in life than orgasm. She wanted to be loved, whole, everywhere, completely accepted. She wanted a man who would love her so much that he would just hug her, mouth to mouth and chest to chest. He would hold her in his arms and caress her, and she would drink his warmth. At that moment I interpreted to her that it seems that she prefers masculine men, but that it also seems to me that there is some longing in her for qualities in me that she perceives as feminine and warm. That intervention was the beginning of her recognition of repressed pregenital urges towards me, as well as towards her mother.

• Repetition – When a certain feeling, attitude or belief is repeated in relation to the therapist, as well as in different relationships and situations outside of therapy that the client talks about, transference can be interpreted and connected to similar feelings and manifestations outside of the therapy situation.

Example: (Jovanović, N.) Client S. begins the meeting by talking about her problems in finding a job and her feeling that society owes her something. She feels an aversion to looking for a job and feels that it is her right to get one. They always gave her responsibilities which she fulfilled, but deep down she felt that they (parents) should do it for her. She protested against it, because they never gave her anything anyway. She is in a conflict in the relationship with the young man because she constantly blames him for not paying enough attention to her. She brought cookies to the meeting. Whenever she buys some food, she can’t help but take it to her boyfriend or to me, if we have an appointment. She would feel selfish if she didn’t. Her mother is selfish and she doesn’t want to be like that. At the previous meeting, we tried to shed light on her resistance to clarifying her relationship with her mother. She felt that it was too hard for her, that I was making excessive demands on her. Then I asked her: “Do you feel that I should do something for you?” She replied that she fantasized that she had throat cancer and could not speak, then I would have to do everything myself. This was a prelude to the elucidation of her feeling of being deprived and entitled to receive, her refusal to become active and seek, because she feels that she should passively receive. In everything she said, she repeated the need to get something, that the world owed her something. She brought her oral expectations into her relationship with me and they became resistance. She wanted me to feed her with interpretations, to do something for her and make her feel good.

• Similarities – When there are evident similarities between the behavior, emotions, attitudes that the client exhibits in therapy, with some of their feelings or behaviors in other situations outside the therapeutic situation:

Example: (Jovanović, N.) With a client, a student of electrical engineering, I discussed his intellectualization and avoidance of bringing feelings into therapy. He begins the next meeting by announcing how uncomfortable he felt after the previous meeting. He went home and turned on the television. Then a friend came to him and asked him why he was watching the first channel, when there was something much more meaningful on the second one. He got so angry that he threw a slipper at him. He could not understand where such intensity of feeling came from. It seemed inappropriate to him. I reminded him that at the last meeting I asked him a similar question: “Why is his intellectualization on the channel in therapy, when introducing emotions would be more meaningful?” He replied that he felt it had something to do with me. He remembered leaving here angry. He couldn’t understand what I wanted from him. How can he introduce emotions, when they don’t appear to him? He began to raise his voice and gradually shout: “I can’t invent emotions, act, what do you want from me?!” How do I get them in?!” I replied, “This is how you do it now. Your anger towards me also existed at the last meeting, but you didn’t show it, but instead of me, you took it out on your friends after the meeting.”

• Key associations – Sometimes, while the client is freely associating, associations appear through which the connection between transference feelings and the original relationship in which such feelings arose is evident. Key associations are more spontaneous, surprising, usually lead to some feeling and open the way to a new area of research.

Example: (Jovanović, N.) Client R., in the third month of the analysis, talks about how she feels relieved towards the end of the meetings and after the meetings, because the tension she feels when she has to come to the session and while the session lasts has passed. It feels like an exam, like in front of a professor. She would like to prepare everything well at home, so that at the sessions she would say something smart, with meaning, organized… But here she only talks about some chaotic nonsense that comes to her mind, and she feels like an ignoramus… as if she is unworthy of the task. Like in Serbian language and literacy class… I remembered how she told me about her father being a professor of Serbian language. I asked her a question: “Why exactly in the Serbian language class?” She answered: “It’s strange, I’ve never had a problem with the Serbian language subject.” I was always good at it…as the daughter of a professor, it was taken for granted…” I tried to encourage her to connect: “When you work with me, you feel like an ignoramus who is spouting nonsense, like in a Serbian language class, you say, and it makes you feel unworthy of the task. Did you have similar feelings about your father?” “Oh, yes…” she replied with a sigh. “I remember, from elementary school, those heavy feelings of tension and unworthiness when, at home, he gave me long grammar and spelling lessons, his annoyance when I couldn’t understand something easily…and I am the daughter of a respected professor of Serbian language… that I am embarrassing him when I say something stupid. I learned grammar and spelling so well just so that I wouldn’t have any more lessons with him, and so that it wouldn’t happen that I don’t know something in class, that I would embarrass him. So even at the university, I took exams only when I was sure that I knew everything. But, here, at your place, I can’t prepare…I need to be spontaneous, to associate freely…and I don’t know how to do that…I can’t find the words, as if I don’t know Serbian… .”

Steps in transference analysis:

In the analysis of transference, we will take the steps mentioned in the analysis of resistance, which are essentially the process of analyzing any psychic phenomenon. When what is being analyzed is recognized, it needs to be demonstrated, elucidated, interpreted, and worked through.

Demonstration of transference :

The client can become aware of their own transference feelings. Very often it is enough to wait for them to become more intense. So, as in working with resistance, silence and patience can be one way of demonstrating transference. If we have waited long enough and the transference reaction has become accessible and vivid enough to the client, and if there does not seem to be any significant resistance to it, we can confront the client with the transference reaction by saying, for example, “It seems to me that you are avoiding some feelings for me” or if we have recognized the sentiment “You seem to have a hard time showing love to me.”Sometimes it can be helpful to show the client the basis of our assumptions. They can thus learn how we do it, which helps develop a working alliance. It is also important that, after our intervention, we give the client enough time to react to it. This applies to all interventions, and especially to those related to transferences. The client will often respond quickly with a “yes or no” and only later, after listening to them, can we often see that their first reaction was submissiveness or defensiveness.

Transference clarification :

When the client is faced with their transference reaction, we will try to go deeper into it, to sharpen the picture. One way is to ask them to explain as accurately as possible the intimate details of their reaction, as well as to include the associations that come to mind.

Interpretation of transference:

To interpret the transference is to get to its unconscious origin, what preceded it in the past, its cause and purpose. Interpreting transference is a long process, not an interpretation that a shrewd, perceptive analyst pours out of his sleeve in front of a bewildered patient. Widespread stereotypes about psychoanalysis, which are deeply rooted, present psychoanalytic work as just that. A psychoanalyst is a magical mind reader, who knows more about his patient than the patient knows about themselves. There were, and still are, such analysts and therapists. Such representations caused many resistances and were the reason for criticism of the analytical method by other therapists. From what we have said so far about the analysis of resistance and transference, it can be seen that interpretation is a gradual process of bringing the client into contact with some unconscious content . The client should first see what they do, how they do it, go deeper into their feelings and clarify them, so that they become vivid and emotionally significant experiences, in order to, in the end, come to an insight into why the client does what they do and where they learned it. It is best if they come to the insight themselves, but even if the therapist interprets, he will do so at the moment when it is close to the client’s consciousness. Analysis is not an intellectual game. The process of arriving at an interpretation must be experienced by the client. For interpretation to be effective, it must not go beyond the client’s current ability to understand it. A correct and up-to-date interpretation will lead to the production of new, in-depth material (which is also a criterion of up-to-dateness and correctness). We will then shed more light on the new material and thus continue the analysis process that leads the client deeper and deeper into their conflicts.

If demonstration and clarification do not lead the client directly to insight, the therapist may:

a ) work on the affects and impulses involved in the transference reaction and through them tries to reach the unconscious source of the transference reaction. Then therapists usually ask questions along the lines of, “Have you had these feelings before?” or “What comes to mind when you let your mind wander with those feelings?” Over time, clients learn to ask themselves such questions.

b) look for a person who is the original object of the transference reaction . In this sense, the client should try to answer the question: “Towards whom have I felt this in the past?”

c) explore transference fantasies .

Transference processing

Regardless of whether it is correct, no transference interpretation, by itself, remains effective for a long time. To achieve its full effectiveness, it must be repeated several times in different situations . Remember, ambivalence tolerance is a skill, and skills must be practiced in order to develop . If, for example, the client came to the insight that with their condescending behavior towards the therapist they were defending themselves against their own hostile feelings and connected this with their relationship with their father, they may later find that they apply the same scheme in relation to other authorities, to play their own games everywhere. Sandor Rado (according to Greenacre, 195660) made a good comparison of working through with grieving. A person who has lost a friend must, in all situations that remind them of that friend, once again accept that they have lost them and that renunciation is necessary for them. Various situations, memories and desires remind a person of that friend, and in each of those cases, they have to experience separation. We said, in the chapter on the object constancy, that grieving is also an ability that develops along with the object constancy, just as ambivalence tolerance develops through the process of working through.

Note: You can find more details about the methodology of work with transference and examples of transference analysisin the manual “Psychoanalysis and non-directive counseling”, Jovanović, N. 1985 ^[157])

Psychotherapeutic work on the development of basic emotional competencies

Are “mature defense mechanisms” the maximum range of human development? They are not. Instead of defense mechanisms, people can develop basic abilities to process emotions or emotional competencies that are not based on distorting reality, but on testing and mastering it. Those emotional competencies have already been discovered in psychodynamic theories, in four psychoanalytical psychologies: “classical psychoanalysis – drive theory”, “Ego psychology”, “psychology of object relations” and “self psychology”.

Work on the development of basic emotional competencies is a specific contribution of the OLI IPP approach to psychotherapy methodology. All the mentioned emotional competencies are already mentioned in the literature of the four psychoanalytical psychologies on which the IPP is theoretically based. However, they are not indicated as emotional competencies and it is not determined in which ways they can be developed in the psychotherapy process. They are listed in the literature as “development achievements”, scattered in numerous books and articles, but not placed next to each other, their mutual relationship not defined, as well as participation in building more complex abilities and without certain techniques that can develop them. OLI IPP provides the necessary structure, definitions of emotional competencies, stages of development, ways of manifesting deficits in each of the basic emotional competencies, ways of recognition, and numerous techniques for the development of these competencies.

Recognition of the development of eight basic emotional competencies – how to work on their development

How can the development of basic emotional competences be recognized?

1. With the help of tables that list the forms of expression of mature and immature emotional competences.
   1. According to the dominant type of anxiety of the client
   1. According to the content of “narcissistic pride” – a type of imbalance in the narcissistic sector of the personality.
   1. By means of diagnostic tools developed at OLI IPP.

Forms of manifestation :

The OLI IPP has clearly defined forms of manifestation of stagnation for each of the 8 emotional competencies at the emotional, behavioral, cognitive and conative levels. As well as forms of mature expression of each competence.

1. Tables of manifestations of the development of emotional competences:

Table 1. – Manifestations of developed and undeveloped neutralization and mentalization

Ability: Neutralization: psyche regulator The ability to neutralize is the ability of a person to keep their thinking reasonable by neutralizing their instinctive energies (sexual and aggressive) turning them into neutral energy that serves to solve problems, think rationally and reach goals. Metallization:the ability to reflect on one’s inner state, the capacity to understand the fact that others have their own beliefs, desires and intentions..

Manifestation of deficiency: Inability to neutralize:A person whose cognitive functions are powered by unneutralized energy has a distorted picture of reality. If cognitive functions (perception, thinking, memory) are powered by aggression, a person will look for and see signs of danger and aggressiveness in reality, they will look for negative components of reality that will justify their aggressiveness. Their perception will be focused on the negative, threatening aspects of reality, on the negative qualities of other people… In this way, they will interpret every information obtained, process it, remember only bad things… If the cognitive functions are powered by unneutralized sexual energy, the person will also distort reality , to see sexuality in everything, to eroticize those cognitive functions that are not sexual, will see only those aspects of a person that fit into their sexual needs – or needs for pleasure, tenderness… -irrational thinking, overwhelmed by aggression or libidinous need, blinded by emotions, impulsive behavior, irrational behavior. The experience “itis stronger than me , ithas taken over me , I have to get it or do it at any cost …I don’t careabout the consequences …” Inability to mentalize:not being able to think about one’s inner state, not being able to understand the fact that others have their own beliefs, desires and intentions. A person’s inability to understand themselves and others. Insecure affective attachment. A person is subject to drastic changes in mood and self-representation, they are at the mercy of external and internal events. – psychological equivalence – the phenomenon that mental states are equated with physical reality; omnipotence of subjectivity – a person’s belief that their mentalizing is infallible and that theyare always right – A person understands actions only in terms of physical limitations or observable goals; this understanding is logically followed by the belief that thoughts and feelings change only through action. – the person has a problem to separate fantasy from reality, and in their functioning the “as-if” way of functioning appears again ; as a defensive reaction to this, hyperactive mentalizing can occur – an attempt to see mental contents even where they are not there, as, for example, in the case of crazy ideas of relationships;

Manifestation of developed ability: Neutralization: Descriptions such as: remains sober even in emotionally charged situations , prudent person , realistic person , thinks with a cool head,objective person … speak about the cognitive functions of persons capable of neutralization. -Planning, reflection, the ability to take a distance and look from an objective perspective… -Strong feelings do not threaten rational thinking, but become a person’s driving fuel for solving problems, reaching the goal. Mentalization : the ability to think about one’s inner state, the capacity to understand the fact that others have their own beliefs, desires, and intentions. Reflection, understanding of one’s own state and the state of others, secure affective attachment.

Table 2 – manifestations of underdeveloped and developed neutralization and mentalization in the cognitive, affective, conative and behavioral domains

Neutralization:
Emotionally	Cognitively	Conatively	Behaviorally
– strong emotions: anger, despair, horror, – an unstoppable need – a feeling of being overwhelmed by emotion – loss of ability to self-regulate, loss of control over emotions – inability to delay gratification, impatience Mentalization: -Insecure affective attachment – Misunderstanding of one’s own and other people’s emotions – raw, unprocessed emotions – The person is prone to drastic changes in mood and self-representation, they are at the mercy of external and internal events. –	-irrational thinking, overwhelmed by affect – a distorted picture of reality – inability to perceive problems – inability to solve problems constructively – emotional thinking – if that’s how I feel – that’s reality. – the inability to take a distance, look from another perspective. -paranoid thinking – opinion determined by need – it must be what I want it to be – inability to hear, to listen to the arguments of others Extreme: schizophrenia – distortions in thinking, dissociation, hallucinations Mentalization: The inability to think about one’s inner state, the lack of capacity to understand the fact that others have their own beliefs, desires and intentions, – psychological equivalence – the phenomenon that mental states are equated with physical reality; omnipotence of subjectivity – a person’s belief that their mentalizing is infallible and that they are always right – they understand actions only in terms of physical limitations or observable goals; this understanding is logically followed by the belief that thoughts and feelings change only through action.	Loss of control over behavior, emotions and thoughts – Experience it is stronger than me – Will is subjugated by affect – the will is dependent on bursts of energy, unstable, impulsive, reckless, it does not lead a person to real independence, but to self-will, various forms of imposition on others, impulsive behavior, manipulations. Mentalization: Misunderstanding of motives, own and other’s intentions. Lack of experience of the self as a source of will. – the person has a problem to separate fantasy from reality, and in their functioning the “as-if” way of functioning reappears; as a defensive reaction to this, hyperactive mentalizing can occur – an attempt to see mental contents even where they are not there, as, for example, in the case of paranoid ideas of relationships;	-Impulsive behavior, reckless behavior -irrational behavior, without taking consequences into account – haste, rush head through the wall behavior – manipulative behavior, imposition – Mentalization: Social awkwardness, strange behaviors that are the result of misunderstanding, misinterpretation of other people’s motives -frequent conflicts arising as a consequence of weakened social judgment, or running away from social situations out of fear, awareness of one’s own weakened social judgment.

Table 3 – Object wholeness

Table 3	Manifestations of the object wholeness deficit in the emotional, cognitive and conative domain
	Problems that arise due to the lack of object wholeness
E M O T I O N A L	– Big swings in mood and feelings. Impulsivity. Poor emotional control – between euphoria and despair, love (idealization) and hatred (satanization) – great dependence of the emotion type towards another person on whether the need is satisfied. – “black and white” emotions, “split emotions”. Chaotic changes in emotions (with borderline personality disorders), devaluation of others and inability to grieve (with narcissists), Intolerance of indifference (in the paranoid) – lack of empathy for others – the ability to only “partially empathize”, Empathizing only with “the same as me” – only if the emotional states match – large oscillations in self-perception, tendency to belittle oneself or others – Irritability, gets angry easily – Pathological grieving process – Inability to forgive, excessive forgiveness, pseudo-forgiveness
C O G N I T I V E	“Black and white” – irrational thinking. Inability to integrate conflicting aspects of reality. – the inability to integrate positive and negative qualities of people, events, activities… makes a person unrealistic, unable to see and accept that no one and nothing is ideal or satanic, that people, the world, life, are not black and white. Tendency to prejudice. – inability to understand the other’s position. – opinion determined by emotional state – inability to see the “other side of the coin”, the one that does not correspond to the current emotional state – large fluctuations in self-image. Paranoid ideas, magical thinking, megalomaniac ideas, grandiose self-image…
C O N A T I V E	– self-will – selfish will ( attempt of “illegitimate” ways of “connecting” with the object, disrespecting other people’s boundaries, freedom… achieving “benefits” that are not developmental – Lack of will, parasitism, – fantasizing instead of will – fantasy “one day” – Manipulation of the will of others, a strong need to control objects – Treating others as extensions of oneself – Will that does not lead to separation and individuation (which is the prime function of will)
B E H A V I O R A L	– Chaotic behavior, moody behavior, extreme changes in behavior when a need is not met – tendencies towards excessive reliance on others for self-regulation, addiction (to people, substances, pleasures), gambling, erotomania, various forms of addiction, delinquency – frequent changes of partners, jobs, activities. – seeking satisfaction without effort – vindictiveness – inability to forgive. Excessive forgiveness – masochism.

………………..

Table 4 Object constancy

Ability: object constancy: “stabilizer” of the psyche – what makes a person stable and independent, with clear boundaries between themselves and others.

Manifestation of deficiency: An adult who has not developed this ability will, in their emotional relationships, tend towards dependence, possession or control of the beloved object, constant physical presence…or loss of feelings as soon as the object of love is not there or does not satisfy a need. They can also have such a relationship with other “objects”, which do not have to be people. In relation to work, for example. An activity that a person normally likes, a job that they like, can be abandoned as soon as it does not satisfy the need in an easy way, if it asks something from the person that is not easy for them, which requires a certain sacrifice. The person is short of breath , has great fluctuations in working abilities and expects success overnight. They lose their will when things don’t go easily, when there is no immediate reward for activity, when gratification is delayed. A person has an excessive need and tendency to rely on others to fulfill needs and tasks, they cannot do it alone. -excessive optimism, someday fantasy: persistent search for perfectly good objects in the external world. This is often accompanied by the fantasy of someday, in which one expects a day when there will be a complete absence of pain and conflicts in life. The expectation of a lottery win , a magical solution … A fantasy if only (that) didn’t happen – living in the past. – Inability to grieve, paranoia (intolerance of indifference), narcissistic personality disorders, addictions

Exercising developed ability : independence involving closeness and distance. People with well-developed object constancy are capable of great closeness and affection , but they also feel self-sufficient, secure and free, so they have no desperate need for others. The object constancy gives them a clear sense of their own boundaries and the boundaries of the other person . They know where one skin ends and another begins . When they are separated, they can handle it perfectly well. They have the ability to be alone. Their life is not marred by the fear of losing a loved object, the fear of loneliness, the worry of how they will cope if they lose their partner. That’s why they are not forced to control their partner, their children, their parents… they can give them space. Empathy for another person is developed. A clear awareness of what is wanted and desired. Awareness of the value of the goal and when needs are not met, perseverance. The ability to keep the idea of the value of the goal within oneself even in difficult moments. Optimism – the awareness that, after the effort, the reward will still come (even if there is a risk that it will not happen), the ability to accept uncertainty, risk. Ability to delay instant gratifications, to invest in longer-term goals.

Table 4a. Manifestation of object constancy in the emotional, cognitive, conative and behavioral domains

	Problems arising from lack of object constancy
E M O T I O N A L	-unstable, erratic feelings. Lack of basic trust. Intensified fear of loneliness, abandonment. Intensified jealousy, possessiveness -strong symbiotic needs, problems with boundaries: symbiotic merging or running away from relationships due to fear of losing boundaries ( need – fear dilemma) – falling in love quickly, obsessing over the object of love, quickly expressing the need for complete closeness ( as if we have always known each other… ) – followed by the fear of loss and the need for possession. -In the absence of a loved object, a person cannot keep them within emotionally. -unstable self-regulation – the presence of another is necessary for a person to be able to regulate their emotional states -loss of feelings as soon as the object of love is not there or does not satisfy some need. – lack of stable attachment to a certain activity, job – lack of stable self-perception – large oscillations of self-image, self-esteem and self-confidence – Intolerance to indifference (in paranoids), pathological process of grieving. -Inability to forgive, excessive forgiveness, pseudo-forgiveness
C O G N I T I V E	Lack of constancy of reality – a person cannot tolerate changes in the environment without psychological disturbance or adaptation disorder – they lose their head, especially with the fear of abandonment. Irrational thinking. -excessive optimism, someday fantasy: persistent search for perfectly good objects in the external world. They expect a day when there will be a complete absence of pain and conflicts in life. Expectation of winning the lottery , magical resolutions …magical thinking. -Various forms of idealization or unrealistic devaluation in thinking – Paranoid elements in thinking -Grandiosity in thinking
C O N A T I V E	– The person is short of breath , has great fluctuations in working abilities, and expects success overnight. They lose their will when things don’t go easily, when there is no immediate reward for activity, when gratification is delayed. Lack of independent will – a person has an excessive need and tendency to rely on others to fulfill needs and tasks, they cannot do it alone. Or they are willing to do something only when they are with someone … – forward – backward will – great oscillations of motivation – dashing, then falling into a stupor . – Will that does not respect the boundaries of others, narcissistic manipulation of the will of others.
B E H A V I O R A L	– in emotional relationships, a person strives for addiction, possession or control of a loved object, constant physical presence – calling and chatting every hour… – establishes “one chases – the other runs” type of relationship. Either sticks or runs. -Manipulative behavior, controlling others, seeking special privileges… -An activity that a person normally likes, a job that they like, can be abandoned as soon as it does not satisfy the need in an easy way, if it asks something from the person that is not easy for them, which requires a certain sacrifice. -tendency to scams, gambling, attempts of getting rich overnight… – promiscuity, sex addiction, various forms of addiction… -searching for a charismatic leader, guru, joining sects… -vindictiveness – inability to forgive. Excessive forgiveness – masochism.

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Table 5 – Manifestations of underdeveloped and developed frustration tolerance

Ability: Frustration Tolerance : The ability to cope with the discomfort that the failure to satisfy some of our needs causes in us

Manifestation of deficiency – defense mechanisms – denial of the existence of need Denying the psychological need for growth and development, “I would like to be perfect, but that perfection must be obtained as soon as possible” and, if possible, without much expenditure of psychic energy. Since this is not possible, the only outcome is the denial of this imminent human need. The person will “dally”, “dawdle”, “chill”… and slowly fall behind in development – Devaluation of need, in order to avoid anxiety due to the inability of a person to cope with their frustration. In this way, devaluing the intensity of a certain desire, and its non-fulfillment does not create that intensity of frustration that a person perceives as impossible to tolerate. Minimizing ambitions, own abilities. Envy towards those who did not diminish their desire and themselves. – Displacement or projection of need onto other people . A person identifies with the other as if the other were themselves – a twin, and through the other they try to fulfill their own need, without the risk of frustration that the failure to fulfill the need would bring if they tried to satisfy it themselves. It can be a club they support, a public figure of whom they are a “fan”, another idol… their own children through whose successes “they live through”… – Reactive formation-turning in the opposite direction. For example, actively moving towards a certain goal turns into passively waiting for it to happen. – Breakthrough of impulses – inability to tolerate frustration and satisfaction of needs at all costs, impulsive behaviors, antisocial behaviors, addictions… – lack of tolerance for specific frustrations: “oral”-tolerance to the frustration of the need to receive: the person cannot bear the absence of the object of love. Someone always has to be there (they constantly call, strangle, suffocate, plead). They can’t be alone. They cannot bear the frustration of the need to receive, feed, psychological “feeding”. Alcoholism, tablet addiction, addiction to drugs, addiction to others. Expressed impatience, inability to delay instant gratifications, they have to get everything immediately, “it’s stronger than me” feeling… “anal”-tolerance of frustration related to giving: for every deprivation or sacrifice, they usually seek compensation. Frustrations in this domain are about giving and taking. The first is perceived as a frustration of the first degree, and behind the second, although it seems more relaxed, there may lurk the danger that the other gives only in order to have the right to ask something back. -closure in one’s own world, trying to realize the illusion of self-sufficiency. With such persons, “nothing enters” and “nothing exits” a system that tries to close itself from the outside and the inside. – a multitude of social contacts, not even one of which is allowed to have emotional value. defiance , that is, the huge frustration that arises when a person has to obey the will of another usually, but not necessarily, superior person. “No one can tell me what to do” – delays : ” I’ll do it, stop bothering me already …” – a compromise creation, which essentially means obedience to the will of the other, but at the same time resistance from submission. -absolute submission to any authority(behind which there can often be a passive aggressive and destructive impulse towards them that is inaccessible by direct perception).   -“oedipal”-intolerance to the frustration of rivalry. – a person cannot let go of another “you’ll be mine or nobody’s” – Avoiding the “third” in everything, competition, -Excessive demand for certainty in partner relationships, jealousy, controlling partners, limiting the possibility of a “third” appearing, “she must be innocent – so that she wouldn’t compare me with another” … in work, limiting to functions in which they do not “stick out”, avoiding the possibility of comparison, self-obstruction – in order not to get into the position of “exposure” – rivalry. Overemphasized fear of success-fear of failure. Phallic organization of personality, overcompensation of inferiority in emphasizing something that symbolizes sexual power, struggle for power between the sexes… – Intolerance to narcissistic frustrations – problems with maintaining self-esteem, expressed sensitivity to self-image injury, vanity, self-image oscillations, lack of self-cohesion, self-fragmentation. – the need to merge with the idealized object – the idealization of the partner and the need to merge with them, the feeling of defragmentation, “falling apart” related to separation. – The need for idealization – cannot bear the imperfection of the object, primitive idealization – The need for mirroring – expressed need for admiration, exaggeration of oneself, “being in the center of attention at all costs”, grandiosity, malignant narcissism…or shy narcissism, withdrawing into fantasies about grandiosity. -Alter ego need-twinship- intolerance of difference, conformity, dogmatism, or aggressive attempts to make others the same as themselves. – Need for benign opposition – inability to experience opposition as benign and encouraging, any opposition is perceived as hostility, “either you are with me or against me”, or avoiding any conflict. Provoking the self-object to “stop” the person, set them limits, by “crossing the line” or, often, by self-destructive behavior that is a “call” to stop. – The need for efficiency – the feeling that a person has no influence on others, listlessness and withdrawal or aggressive behaviors aimed at reaching out to others, to influence others by force. – The need to be attuned – the experience of internal out-of-tune state, out-of-tune communication, insensitivity to one’s own conditions, misunderstanding of one’s own and other person’s conditions, non-empathic communication, intolerance of people – the feeling that the person is being out-of-tune in communication, or that they can exhaust others, that they have no sensitivity for their needs…   Manifestation of developed ability: A person does not give up on their desires and goals. They are able to handle failure and dissatisfaction, which leads them to change the way they try to meet needs. They learn from their own failures. They correct unsuccessful ways, replace them with new ones, change the strategy, adjust the amount of required effort, the quality of effort… They are flexible. -tolerance to the frustration of rivalry: a capacity that can be called courage. When another is defeated (actual victory), or when a person defeats their own infantile narcissism and, in a way, defeat themselves (temporary defeat in which the winner is sincerely congratulated – the capacity for fair play competing. It shows the capacity for frustration tolerance that defeat brings, which enables entering into other competitive activities despite the risk of defeat – frustration). – the ability to assume a leadership function, without unconscious phobic reactions from the position itself, and projective identifications, such as “I see subordinates as less valuable – they are waiting for my mistake”. – readiness to tolerate the function of conquering new objects (persons or activities) invested with desire. “What I have conquered, I will have to defend” – Tolerance to the frustration of possibility of losing a loved object. -Stable self-esteem, cohesive self Capacity for reciprocity in relationships.

Table 5a – manifestations of undeveloped and developed frustration tolerance in the cognitive, affective, conative and behavioral domains

Frustration tolerance The ability to cope with the discomfort that the failure to satisfy some of our needs causes in us
E M O T I O N A L	-denying the psychological need for growth and development – devaluation of need, in order to avoid anxiety due to the inability of a person to cope with their frustration. In this way, devaluing the intensity of a certain need, and its non-fulfillment does not create that intensity of frustration that a person perceives as impossible to tolerate. Envy towards those who did not diminish their needs and themselves – uncontrollable emotions – break-through of impulses to satisfy the need to one’s own detriment or the detriment of another. lack of tolerance for specific frustrations: -“oral”-tolerance to the frustration of the need to receive: the person cannot bear the absence of the object of love (fear, anger, jealousy, helplessness…) – Expressed impatience, inability to delay gratifications, the need must be satisfied immediately, “it’s stronger than me” feeling… – great impatience “anal”-tolerance of frustration related to giving: Frustrations in this domain are related to “give” and “take”. The first is perceived as a frustration of the first degree, and behind the second, although it seems more relaxed, there may lurk the danger that the other gives, only in order to have the right to ask something in return. -emotional restraint, blocking of emotions, pronounced control of emotions… -Defiance, spite, stubbornness, -“oedipal”-intolerance to the frustration of rivalry. – Intensified feelings of jealousy, possessiveness…the object of love (person, job) cannot be let go to another – “you’ll be mine or nobody’s” Intensified fear of success-fear of failure Intensified envy of the opposite sex or rivals of the same sex. – intolerance of narcissistic frustrations – unstable self-esteem, vanity, narcissistic vulnerability, hypersensitivity, feeling of fragmentation – “falling apart”
C O G N I T I V E	Irrational life philosophies: “I would like to be perfect, but that perfection must be obtained as soon as possible and, if possible, without much expenditure of psychic energy.” “life must be comfortable” – rationalizations: “it’s not that important”, “sour grapes”, -“losing one’s head”, irrational thinking or not thinking when impulse overcomes reason. lack of tolerance for specific frustrations: -“oral”-tolerance to the frustration of the need to receive: -parasitic life philosophies, self-centered thinking, a person’s belief that the world owes them something because of deprivation -distorted sense of reality-opinion colored by desire “anal”-tolerance of frustration related to giving: excessive intellectualization, obsessive thinking, ruminations…authoritarian or exploitative philosophies of life, compulsive thoughts. Too abstract thinking, thinking without emotions, formalized, “dry”, “methodological” thinking. -“oedipal”-intolerance to the frustration of rivalry. Rationalizations of avoiding rivalry, “I’m not one of those who like to push through others…”, “I’m not an exhibitionist, I don’t like to stand out…”, “he who flies high, falls low”…”honest people don’t push each other.. .”, irrational beliefs about love and relationships-“true love is when you don’t ever even think about being with someone else…”, demands for certainty-“always”, “to the grave”…Sexual stereotypes. And generalizations: “all men are…all women are…” – Intolerance of narcissistic frustrations – a distorted image of oneself and one’s own value, “too personal” interpretation of events and communication as a violation of one’s own value.
C O N A T I V E	Diminishing the will. Minimizing ambitions, own abilities, striving to be average – reactive formation – turning in the opposite direction. For example, actively moving towards a certain goal turns into passively waiting for it to happen. – self-will, loss of control under the pressure of impulses, the person is driven by impulse and not by their own will. lack of tolerance for specific frustrations: -“oral”-tolerance to the frustration of the need to receive: – inability to delay gratifications, will is subjugated by need – Lack of “independent will” – the person has an excessive need and inclination to rely on others to fulfill their own needs and tasks, they cannot do it alone. Or they have the will to do something “only when they are with…” “anal”-tolerance of frustration related to giving: “counter-will”, negativism – the person feels the enormous frustration that arises when they have to obey the will of another usually, but not necessarily, superior person. “No one can tell me what to do” -postponement: ” I will do it (eventually), stop bothering me…”-a compromise creation, which essentially means submission to the will of the other, but at the same time resistance from submission. -surrender of the will-absolute obedience to any authority (from which there can often be a passive aggressive and destructive impulse towards them that is not accessible by direct perception).   -“oedipal”-intolerance to the frustration of rivalry. Willingness to go only to the “allowed limit”. Lack of will when approaching the goal – fear of success, comparison, – in work, limiting to functions in which one does not “stick out” – the will to take revenge on a rival or partner – intolerance of narcissistic frustrations – the will is harnessed by the needs of preserving the self-image, avoiding or overcoming narcissistic vulnerability. A person is more concerned with their vanity and the feeling of their own value being threatened than with the life tasks they need to solve.
B E H A V I O R A L	– The person will “dally”, “dawdle”, “chill”… and slowly fall behind in development – shifting or projecting this desire onto other people . A person identifies with the other as if the other were their own twin, and through the other they try to fulfill their own need, without the risk of frustration that the failure to fulfill the need would bring if they tried to satisfy it themselves. It can be a club they support, a public figure they are a “fan of”, another idol… their own children “through whose successes they live”… – impulsive behavior, disregard for one’s own well-being and the well-being of others, norms of behavior, self-protection…impulse takes control of behavior. lack of tolerance for specific frustrations: -“oral”-tolerance to the frustration of the need to receive: Someone always has to be there (they  constantly call, choke, suffocate, plead). They can’t be alone. -Alcoholism, tablet addiction, addiction to drugs, addiction to others. “anal”-tolerance of frustration related to giving: – for every deprivation or sacrifice, they usually ask for immediate compensation. -closure in one’s own world, which is an attempt to realize the illusion of self-sufficiency. -a lot of social contacts, not even one of which is allowed to have emotional value. -absolute obedience to any authority (behind which there can often be a passive aggressive and destructive impulse towards them that is not accessible by direct perception). – Stubborn behavior, opportunism, defiance – Stubbornness, stinginess -procrastinations (postponement – when something needs to be given, fulfilled… they would rather not give it to others), they promise easily – but do not deliver – Do it, then “screw it up”. They give something, but then devalue it, or overemphasize it’s importance so much that the other person is disgusted by such giving. -“oedipal”-intolerance to the frustration of rivalry. Avoiding the “third” in everything, competition, Excessive demand for certainty in partner relationships, jealousy, controlling the partner, limiting the possibility of a “third” appearing, “she must be innocent – so that she wouldn’t compare me with another” … in business, limiting to functions in which they do not ” stick out”, avoiding the possibility of comparison, self-obstruction – in order not to get into the position of “exposure” – rivalry. Revengeful behaviors towards rivals or partners. Intolerance to narcissistic injuries – preoccupation with self-image, struggling to be in the center of attention, bragging about grandiose undertakings without real foundations, aggressive efforts to make others admire them, or to be the same as a person, to make others to prove love, value to them, to prove that they care ..or withdrawing into fantasies about a grandiose self and an ideal object.

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Table 6 – manifestations of undeveloped and developed tolerance to ambivalence

Ability: Ambivalence tolerance  – the ability to tolerate conflicting feelings towards another person, oneself, activities… with a predominance of positive feelings. The ability to decide. To initiate something.

Manifestation of deficiency: -Mechanism “two in one” – at the same time, in the same activity, conflicting feelings towards the same object (person, activity) coexist with each other, without any indication of conflict: I do something, but so as to undo what I do. — Temporal splitting (splitting in time) – opposite feelings are divided in time: “one day I love, another day I hate, one day I work, another day I neglect or spoil what I did”. – “Defensive splitting” – shifting one side of ambivalence to a third person. A person defends themselves from ambivalence towards an important object by projecting one side of ambivalent emotions onto a third person. – Repression of one side of ambivalence and reactive reinforcement of the other – repression of the negative side by exaggerating the positive (I become a perfectionist, I want to do something so “well” that, in the end, I fail to meet my own standards, so I give up, or I get sick of it, or perceive it as too difficult, so that I can hardly make myself do it…I am constantly worried about work…it burdens me so much that I don’t want to do it at all… -repressing the positive side by emphasizing the negative: “it’s so difficult and complicated… so it’s easier to devalue it: the college is stupid, it’s only for nerds, I don’t even need it…” overemphasizing negative traits of other people or activities – which allows the positive aspects to be repressed. – Superficiality. It is, in fact, splitting the relationship into small pieces. This results in the discharge of tension through “a large number of small holes”, on several channels, none of which is of sufficient importance. “A little bit of everything, not enough of anything” strategy. A person does not get attached to a single object or activity and does not develop the intensity of attachment that would lead to strong emotions of love and hate, thus avoiding the conflict of ambivalence. The strategy “he wanted a lot, started a lot…but didn’t finish anything”. Preoccupation with numerous activities without delving into any of them. -Mechanism of not thinking: This mechanism is also often used by adolescents. Not thinking is not the same as repression. The person is aware of both sides of their ambivalent feelings but, when those feelings come into conflict, the person solves the problem by directing their mind to something else (usually it is “chilling” at the computer, listening to music, watching TV…)…with the expectation that “things will sort themselves out”. Unlike repression, which represses certain contents and emotions into the unconscious, in not-thinking they remain conscious, either side is not devalued (“I don’t care about that…school is irrelevant…”), it is not denied (“that is not even a problem”), but when one has to make up their mind, make and implement a decision, they don’t think about it. The mind is occupied with something else and thus the unpleasantness of the conflict is avoided. Usually this is expressed in sentences like “Oh, let it go now, I can’t think about it now…”, which are included in situations where something needs to be put into action.

Manifesting developed ability: A person is able to decide whether to stay in a certain relationship or activity, despite negative feelings towards that person or activity. “Will or won’t do”. When they want to, they really want to (despite being aware that they have some negative feelings towards the relationship or activity). When they don’t want to, they make a clear decision and do not engage in a relationship or activity. When they work, they do not obstruct themselves with ambivalence, they do not “put pistons under their own wheels”, they do not procrastinate, they do not overdo it either. They work in accordance with the requirements of the task – goal they have set. Not too much, not too little. As much as is necessary to achieve the goal. With no major fluctuations in working abilities (unless they are influenced by health).

Table 6a – manifestations of undeveloped and developed ambivalence tolerance in the emotional, cognitive, conative and behavioral domains
Tolerance of ambivalence -(the ability to tolerate conflicting feelings towards another person, oneself, activities…with a predominance of positive feelings. The ability to decide, to decide. To move toward or away from something.
emotionally	cognitively	Conatively	Behaviorally
– at the same time, in the same activity, conflicting feelings towards the same object (person, activity) coexist with each other, without any indication of conflict between them – fusion of love and aggression -opposite feelings are divided in time: “one day I love, another day I hate” -splitting in time – repressing negative emotions by exaggerating positive ones – excessive concern for the object of love, person, job – repressing positive emotions towards the object by emphasizing negative ones: “it is so difficult and complicated… so it is simpler to devalue it” – Superficiality – splitting emotions into a larger number of objects – people, activities – shallow emotions – thereby avoiding the ambivalence of stronger conflicting emotions towards one object	-contradictions, Ambivalent will. “I will-I won’t”-will -oscillations between the “goodwill” and “ill-will” I want to do something so “well” that, in the end, I fail to meet my own standards, so I give up, or I get sick of it, or it’s so hard that I can hardly force myself to do it… I’m constantly worried about work. ..it burdens me so much that I don’t feel like doing it at all… -will becomes obsessive, in thinking – not recognizing contradictory points of view -confusion in thinking – perfectionist attitudes – superficiality of thinking, – inability for dialectical thinking – “unity of opposites” – for understanding of different aspects of a person, phenomenon, problem – compulsive thoughts – excessive generalizations “always”, “never”, “must”… – inability to hear a different point of view, to imagine the opposite as a possibility -“magical thinking”, prejudices, stereotypes in thinking – vagueness, “I don’t know what to think through” -“not thinking” in situations where ambivalence is felt – preoccupation with something else	rigid, perfectionist – the person feels that they “have to”, not that they want to – when the positive side of ambivalent polarity is repressed, the will can turn to expressed “self-will”, “malice will”, recklessness. – paralysis of the will, inability to make a decision	-A person does something in such a way as to undo what they are doing. “like a cow that gives milk, but then kicks and spills the bucket”)- fusion of opposites in the same act. – one day I work, the next day I slack off or spoil what I did – splitting conflicting behaviors in time. -Performing “disservices” – help in which there is also damage, with a counter-effect -indulgence, excessive wooing of others. “Adapted Child”, “Elder child” -passive aggressive behavior -inability to say “no”-refuse something (also the inability to actually say “Yes”) -making promises without fulfillment, or with procrastinating, partial fulfillment… – procrastination -superficial performance of a larger number of activities-superficial connections in a larger number. -“A little bit of everything, not enough of anything” strategy. – Being too busy with numerous activitieswithout delving into any. – a person is much more concerned with others than with their own development. – Doing nothing important, occupying the mind in situations of ambivalence.

Table 7 – manifestations of undeveloped and developed will in the emotional, cognitive, conative and behavioral domains

E M O T I O N A L

Dysfunctional emotions – emotions that do not lead to change of state, problem solving, independence and individuation Lack of will – apathy, listlessness, inability of a person to move, invest energy, lack of energy to maintain movement, loss of ambition, “will to live”. “counter-will ” – spite, defiance, ambivalent emotions, Reckless will – anger when things don’t go the way the person wants Will without neutralization: anger when “it is not according to their will”, devaluation of the object, hatred, revenge. In case of lack of libido neutralization: “non-retention” – need must be fulfilled – without empathy for feelings of others. Intense impatience, “short fuse”. In case of deficiency of object wholeness: bursts of will, optimism, euphoria – “love”, when the object is perceived as ideal, bursts of hatred, depression, helplessness, fear, when the object is perceived as bad. In case of deficiency of object constancy: excessive dependence of emotions on the presence or absence of the object, on the satisfaction of the need… In the case of the problem of ambivalence tolerance: the fusion mechanism – the fusion of love and aggression in the same act, the mechanism of splitting in time – the alternation of intense “pure” positive and negative emotions in time (“sometimes I adore you, sometimes I hate you”), the mechanism of repressing one side of ambivalence – excessive concern for the object, intense feelings of shame, doubt, indecision, tornness. For frustration intolerance problems: Oral:an intense feelings of frustration, fear, panic, helplessness, mistrust…when a person is without an object or their needs are not met. Anal: intense feelings of frustration, anger, being used, when a person has to give, fulfill obligations…emotional restraint, blockage of emotions, excessive control of emotions…Defiance, spite, stubbornness…Oedipal: strong feelings of frustration of rivalry – jealousy, fear of the “third”, fear of standing out, fear of success and failure, feeling guilty about success, fear of initiative – taking the risk of responsibility for starting something. Narcissistic – horror when the self-image is disturbed, narcissistic hatred, the need to take revenge on those who shake the false image.

C O G N I T I V E

– An opinion that does not lead to adaptation to reality, independence and individuation. An opinion that “justifies” the shortcomings. -Irrational thinking, beliefs that support the type of “will” that a person exhibits. – with deficiency of neutralization: emotional thinking – thinking overwhelmed and distorted by affects. Lack of insight into one’s own behavior. Rationalizations of impulsive behavior – “it’s spontaneity, sincerity, open expression of emotions, passion”… inability to think critically, inability to solve problems constructively, inability to take a distance, look from another perspective. Paranoid thinking, thinking determined by need – “it must be what I want it to be”… lack of will for insight and change, will to understand – rationalized by the philosophy of “openness”. Inability to think, plan, set priorities. Inability to hear, to listen to the arguments of others extreme: schizophrenia-distortions in thinking, dissociation, hallucinations       In case of object wholeness deficiency: “Black and white” – irrational thinking. – inability to integrate positive and negative qualities of people, events, activities… makes a person unrealistic. An opinion is determined by an emotional state. Failure to see contradictions. The inability to see the “other side of the coin”, the one that does not correspond to the current emotional state. Large fluctuations in self-image In case of deficiency of object constancy: oscillations in cognitive abilities, abilities to solve problems – depending on the presence of the object. Lack of “constancy of reality” – a person cannot tolerate changes in the environment without psychological disturbances or adaptation disorders, “loses their head”, especially in the case of fear of abandonment. Irrational thinking.Excessive “optimism”, “oneday” fantasy: persistent search for perfectly good objects in the external world. They expect a day when there will be a complete absence of pain and conflicts in life. Expectation of “winning the lottery”, “magical resolutions”..magical thinking. Under great pressure, paranoid elements appear in thinking . In the problem with ambivalence tolerance: fusion of libido and aggression – confusion in thinking. Temporal splitting of ambivalence – contradictory opinion, big changes of opinion depending on the emotional state, the side of ambivalence that is “in power” at that moment. Repression of one side of ambivalence – (repression of the negative) – perfectionistic attitudes. Rigid thinking – inability for dialectical thinking – “unity of opposites” – for understanding of different aspects of a person, events, problems, compulsive thoughts, excessive generalizations “always”, “never”, “must”… inability to hear a different point of view, to imagine the opposite as a possibility, “magical thinking”, prejudices, stereotypes in thinking. Superficiality of thinking, not delving into the problem, vagueness, “I don’t know what to think”, “I don’t bother with it”…   In frustration intolerance problems: Irrational life philosophies: “I would like to be perfect, but that perfection must be obtained as soon as possible” and, if possible, without much expenditure of psychic energy. “life must be comfortable”. -rationalizations: “it’s not that important”, “sour grapes”, “sweet lemon”… lack of tolerance for specific frustrations: -“oral”-tolerance to the frustration of the need to receive: -parasitic life philosophies, self-centered thinking, a person’s belief that the world owes them something due to deprivation, a distorted sense of reality – thinking colored by desire “anal”-tolerance of frustration related to giving: excessive intellectualization, obsessive thinking, ruminations…authoritarian or exploitative philosophies of life, compulsive thoughts. Too abstract thinking, thinking without emotions, formalized, “dry”, “methodological” thinking. -“oedipal”-intolerance to the frustration of rivalry. Rationalizations of avoiding rivalry, “I’m not one of those who push through others…”, “I’m not an exhibitionist, I don’t like to stand out…”, “he who flies high, falls low”…”honest people don’t push each other.. .”, irrational beliefs about love and relationships – “true love is when you don’t even think about someone else…”, demands for certainty – “always”, “to the grave”…

C O N A T I V E

Forms of “will” that do not lead to independence and individuation – parasitic, manipulative will   Lack of will – listlessness , inability of a person to move, invest energy, lack of energy to maintain movement, loss of ambition, “will to live”. “counter-will ” (for two-year-olds it is a normal developmental stage), manifests itself as “I won’t” that opposes the will of others, what one “must”. -Reckless will – the will to “have it one’s own way”, regardless of the consequences for others, age-inappropriate self-will and a will that turns against itself. Deficiencies of will related to deficiencies of other basic abilities : Will with undeveloped neutralization: “spontaneous”, “impulsive”, “unarticulated will” – dependent on bursts of energy, unstable. “Obsession” with instinctual impulses. The will is not a “rider” but a “horse”, impulsive, thoughtless will. -does not lead a person to real independence, but to various forms of imposition on others, impulsive behavior, reckless (affective) manipulations. Will with problems of object wholeness and constancy: Wholeness: arbitrariness – selfish will – (an attempt at “illegitimate” ways of “connecting” with an object, disrespecting other people’s boundaries, freedom… achieving “benefits” that are not developmental. In acts of will – another person (or work, activity) is not experienced as a whole, but as a “partial object” – something good that serves to easily satisfy needs, or something bad that needs to be destroyed. – parasitism, fantasizing instead of will – fantasy “oneday” constancy: “short-tempered will”, “dependent will” – The person is “short-tempered”, has great oscillations in working abilities and expects success overnight. They lose their will when things don’t go easily, when there is no immediate reward for activity, when gratification is delayed. Lack of “independent will” – a person has an excessive need and tendency to rely on others to fulfill own needs and tasks, they cannot do it alone. Or they have the will to do something “only when they are with…” – “forward-backward” will – big oscillations of motivation – “vigor – then falling into a stupor” Will and ambivalence tolerance problems “fickle, capricious will”, “obsessive will” – Ambivalent will. “I will-I won’t”-will. Constant oscillations between the “goodwill” and “ill-will”. -I become a perfectionist, I want to do something so “well” that, in the end, I fail to meet my own standards, so I give up, or I get sick of it, or it’s so hard that I can hardly force myself to do anything… I’m constantly worried about work …it burdens me so much that I don’t feel like getting into it at all…the will becomesobsessive, compulsive, perfectionist – the person feels that they “have to”, not that they want to. When the positive side of ambivalent polarity is repressed, the will can turn to expressed “self-will”, “malice will”, recklessness. When both sides of ambivalence are condensed into one action, a person may show a strong will to do something, but will do it in such a way that it produces a counter-effect. Pleasing will”, ” obsessive will” – If the negative side of the ambivalent polarity is repressed, the will is “harnessed” – the person denies their own will by forcing themselves to please others. It can be turned into the opposite – the need to destroy the previously loved object, to be lazy, annoying, revengeful… Such a will is always directed towards the object and “has no time or energy” to deal with oneself – one’s own development…repressed – a person can be tied to something they feelthey hate – “something binds them”, yet they want to leave, to leave another person, job, activity.finish anything, does not delve deeper… it is blurred into a larger number of relationships or activities. Lack of tolerance for specific frustrations and will : -“oral”-tolerance to the frustration of the need to receive: -“Unrestrained will” – inability to delay, will is subjugated by need – desire -“Dependent will” – Lack of “independent will” – a person has an excessive need and tendency to rely on others to fulfill their own needs and tasks, they cannot do it alone. Or they have the will to do something “only when they are with…” “anal”-tolerance of frustration related to giving: “counter-will”, negativism – the person feels the enormous frustration that arises when they have to obey the will of another usually, but not necessarily, superior person. “Nobody can tell me what to do.” -delays: “I’ll do it (eventually), so stop bothering me …” – a compromise creation, which essentially means submission to the will of the other, but at the same time resistance from submission. -“Obedient will”- surrender of the will – absolute submission to any authority (from which there can often be a passive aggressive and destructive impulse towards them that is inaccessible by direct perception). -Obsessive will: “I must do…” – the will feels like a persecutor of the personality. -“oedipal”-intolerance to the frustration of rivalry. “Permitted will” – The will to go to the “permissible limit”. Lack of will when approaching the goal – fear of success, comparison. – in work, limiting to functions in which one does not “stick out”. Will without initiative – “when I’m told, then I’ll do”. – Tolerance for the frustration of narcissistic needs The will can be harnessed for the purposes of building an unrealistic, grandiose image, instead of realistic self-realization that would lead to individuation and mature self-esteem. Narcissistic frustrations, which lead to narcissistic injuries, can subjugate a person’s will and turn it toward revenge and exploitation of others, in order to overcompensate for the narcissistic injury.

Table 8 – manifestation of developed and undeveloped initiative

Ability: Initiative: The ability to take responsibility for starting something, the characteristic of starting a new idea or method, the ability to think and act without the request of another person. “Initiative is a personality trait in which a person has the ability and tendency to initiate: to initiate activity, including accepting rules and giving or helping others, without being asked to do so.” Initiative is, therefore, the ability to initiate, to start something independently, the willingness to take the first step, as well as to take the responsibility for it, to persevere in the activity started. Initiative is when “I recognize and do what I think should be done before someone asks me to do it”…Mature initiative has a developed sense of reciprocity.

Manifestation of developed ability: Proactivity. A person is able to develop activities or projects, has confidence and conviction that it is okay to do so, even if there is a risk of failure or mistake. They have a sense of purpose and direction, ability to make decisions, collaborate with and lead others, ability to define personal direction and goals, ability to take initiative and take appropriate risks. -Person possesses a certain excess of energy that allows them to forget quite quickly many failures and to head towards new desirable areas with enthusiasm, even if they seem dangerous. -In relationships, they have a clear sense of reciprocity. – The person is brave, directed towards achieving their ideals and goals that are in line with them.

Manifestation of deficiency: – Lack of initiative : A person cannot start anything on their own, they wait to be “told”, for someone else to start… In love, they always expect the other person’s initiative – almost nothing starts from them, theyare reactive. In work, they can accept and work on what others have started, but start nothing themselves. There is an aversion to any risk, lack of initiative. Avoiding any highlighting, showing, exposure… – intrusive initiative. A person initiates things, but does not take into account others, “pierces ears” with their voice, intercepts others while talking, imposes their activities, do not allow others to take the initiative… They exploit others, they are reckless… and they must be the first in everything. They have no sense of reciprocity. There is only defeat or victory. Everything is a competition. Exhibitionism – excessive need to “show off”, to dominate, “for all to see”…entering into relationships or activities for the sake of “proving themselves”. In the area of instinctive motivation: The direction of the initiative is reversed (toward pregenital ways of satisfying needs), the quality of the initiative is colored by the characteristics of the way of satisfying needs at a certain stage of libido development: “Oral initiative” : a generally expressed desire to seek stimulation, absorb, feed with stimulation… The trigger is hunger, physical or psychological… “Anal initiative” : The person will initiate mostly activities that are directed towards control (of themselves and others), towards planning (instead of concrete action), towards collecting, delaying…Their activities may be accompanied by stubbornness and passive forms of aggressiveness. The direction of the initiative is ambivalent (it goes in both directions), and the quality is colored by anality. “Phallic initiative” : Phallic initiative has a direction towards separation or individuation, but its quality is colored by the peculiarities of the phallic stage (intrusiveness, lack of sense of reciprocity, heartless initiative at the expense of others, insensitivity, struggle for power…conflicts regarding initiative can express through self-restraint (and sometimes in relative sexual impotence or frigidity.) Or one can, in contrast to guilt, overcompensate by exhibiting tireless “initiative” through the quality of “perpetual action” at any cost. In the field of object motivation: the direction of the initiative is reversed: the activities initiated by the person are not aimed at separation, differentiation and individuation, but at the control of the object, at the manipulation of others and attempts at “illegitimate” ways of “merging” with the object, disrespecting other people’s boundaries, freedom… realization of “benefits” that are not developmental. Repetition of patterns of early object relations for their mastery is the primary motivating force. The quality of the initiative is colored by the specifics of the stage of development of object relations that the person repeats (in the phase of relations with partial objects – an initiative aimed at controlling and using people because they are experienced as an extension of a need, in the symbiosis stage – an initiative aimed at merging, in the stage of separation-re-approach -initiative is “capricious”, changes direction, is colored by need-fear dilemma – chasing and running away…). If the need for reparation dominates (repairing the damage caused to the object by one’s own unconscious aggression), the initiative focused on repairing the damage, humanitarian activities, sacrifice… dominates. In the area of ego motivation: the direction of the initiative is towards the repetition of automated, developmentally unproductive mechanisms of adaptation. A person “plays games”, initiates activities with a predictable scenario in which they use familiar defense mechanisms, manipulative “counter-skills”, in order to avoid discomfort, psychological pain. The initiative leads to the repetition of adaptive habits, it does not lead to new adaptation mechanisms. The person is “stuck”. They do not explore new possibilities. In the field of narcissistic motivation:The direction of the initiative is reversed, because attempts at compensation are aimed at creating unrealistic ideas about oneself (grandiose self – convincing oneself and others that the person is what they imagine they are) and others (idealized parental image), and not at realistic self-realizations that could restore the narcissistic balance . The quality of the initiative depends on which narcissistic needs are thwarted and attempted to be compensated by unreality. Their initiative can be directed towards finding self-objects in the world (searching for gurus, leaders, idealized figures), or towards confirming their grandiose self through those self-objects – to be reflected in them (“mirroring”, giving recognition, admiration from the idealized object), to merge with them, to control them (you are powerful and I can control you… therefore I am powerful) or to experience, through relationships with the idealized self-object, the “twin” or “alter ego” function of the self-object ( “You’re big, and I’m your twin, so essentially I am the same size”). In more mature variants of narcissistic needs, the person recognizes the other as a separate person (as an object) and takes the initiative in asking the object to join their exhibitionistic needs (look at me, applaud to me, praise me…).

      In the OLI IPP there are also tables that show the manifestations of the lack of development of each of the basic emotional competencies in complex abilities – capacities for love and work (you can find all the tables in the book: “The ability to love and work – OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy”. Jovanović, N. 2013).

            Deficiencies in the development of basic emotional competences can also be recognized through the more complex emotional competences that they, like Lego blocks, make up. In practice, it is much easier to recognize deficiencies in more complex abilities because they show up as specific traits. But it is difficult to change and develop complex abilities if we do not deal with their constituent parts – basic emotional competencies. The following diagram shows how basic emotional competencies are linked into groups and create more complex competencies.

Diagram 1-Diagram of basic and complex emotional competencies

It is usually easier for clients (and psychotherapists) to recognize the underdevelopment or development of emotional abilities of a medium level of complexity: “It’s hard for me to wait…” (patience, delaying gratification), “I can’t calm myself down” (self-regulation ability), “it’s difficult for me to be alone, I’m always looking for some company…”. But it is very difficult to achieve these desirable states and qualities without the development of the first four basic emotional competencies.

2) Recognizing deficits in basic emotional competencies according to the client’s dominant type of anxiety

Types of anxiety and emotional competences

Why would a person be so afraid of life, or something in life, that they get panic or anxiety disorder? The most logical answer to that is: because they feel that they lack some ability, or abilities, with which they could overcome the situation or problem.

In OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, we do not deny that panic states or attacks can be based on many things that are discussed in different psychotherapy schools: unconscious causes, trauma, compulsion to repeat for the sake of mastery, irrational beliefs, life script… All of this is true. But why does someone keep some content in their unconscious that they could become aware of and overcome? Why do they repeat the trauma instead of realizing it, psychologically processing it and overcoming it? Why does an intelligent person create and maintain irrational beliefs about themselves, the world, and life? If they were to think about the way they think on their own, and without the help of a therapist, they might realize that they have irrational beliefs. Life constantly confronts us with our irrational beliefs through the consequences we face. Why don’t we learn from those experiences?

I believe the answer lies in basic emotional processing skills – emotional competencies we have not developed that would allow us to cope with life’s problems and the emotions they cause. When they do not develop the necessary abilities, a person tries to solve life’s problems as best they can without those abilities, using, as a substitute, various “expensive” and ineffective defense mechanisms.

Every defense mechanism is some kind of lie, a distortion of reality to make it easier for us. Of course, these were forms of adaptation to the environment in which the person grew up and had their own developmental function. The problem with infantile adaptive mechanisms is that the adult can develop more mature mechanisms and abilities to process emotions that serve to adapt rather than distort reality.

In the OLI method, we approach anxiety problems by building or unblocking the basic abilities to process emotions that are not working, and which is the reason that anxiety reactions or disorders occur.

The work method can therefore be presented in several steps:

✓ Discovering “counter-skills” (“bugs”) in the processing of emotional information, the way in which the client creates their problem by trying to master some developmental task in an inadequate way.

✓ Facing the client with defenses, “counter-skills”, unsuccessful forms of adaptation.

✓ Educating about emotional competence, which is a healthy adaptive mechanism. Showing “how to do it”, procedural learning.

A panic attack can occur when a life situation requires us to use any of the above abilities that are not developed or are blocked. Actually, when we want and desire something, but we have no way to achieve it. When the counter-skills are not enough to lead us to something that is important to us, to master the anxiety, and the basic abilities are not developed to replace the counter-skills, great anxiety arises that can grow into a panic attack and panic states. We will not panic if we give up on a goal that is very important to us. If we kill the desire, the need, give up the goal and numb ourselves, we will be caught by depression instead. Panic arises when we want something, but we can’t have it. It is, in a way, a friend, as strange as that sounds. Panic is an internal warning that something is wrong, that “we can’t go on like this anymore”, that we have to change something in order to achieve what we want in life, or to kill our own desires and needs. Panic is an internal call to grow up, to develop abilities. A panic attack is a chance. If we use it, it will make us develop and become more competent. If we don’t use it, it will force us to abuse even more expensive counter-skills that lead to numbness, unreality, and self-deception. We must replace counter-skills with abilities because “there can be no work without tools” (as we say in Serbia). Basic emotional competencies are our tools for dealing with life. Each of them is a tool for healthy management of a certain type of anxiety. (Senić R. Jovanović N. 2011 ^[158])

There is no single anxiety disorder (Jovanović N. 2014 ^[159]). Each of the abilities we will list has its own specific form of anxiety that occurs when the ability is not developed. And the psychotherapist’s approach is determined by the type of anxiety and the defect in some emotional competence that he is trying to develop or unblock in the client. Let’s see what emotional tools are necessary and what kind of anxiety their deficit brings.

Neutralization and mentalization – anxiety of being overwhelmed

➢ Without developed neutralization, a person is in the power of their instincts (“as if without a head”), impulsive, irrational and inarticulate. Without mentalization, they do not mentally process their impulses and act as if “something happened to her”. Verbalizes: “It’s stronger than me”, “I don’t know why, it overwhelmed me”…

➢ Overwhelming anxiety: is related to “obsession”, “madness”, “out of control”, “losing one’s mind” – diffuse fear of one’s own impulses and possible consequences.

Object wholeness – haunting anxiety

➢ Without the object wholeness (the glue of the psyche) – the ability to experience the other person (“the object”) and oneself as a whole, the experiences of the other person or the self are split into a black and white world of good and evil (we could say that the person is “unglued”). The basic mental operation is categorization.

➢ Persecutory anxiety – fear of destruction and disintegration: “I will be destroyed”, “I will fall apart”, the mechanism of splitting and projection dominates, anxiety due to one’s own destructiveness – “the evil in me will destroy all the good” .

Object constancy – separation anxiety

➢ Without the object constancy (psyche stabilizer), the person is “unstable”, dependent on others. They do not have a stable mental representation of the other and themselves and the possibility of self-regulation. Expressed “need-fear” dilemma (strong desire for symbiosis and fear of suffocation, loss of self, boundaries, “I” in a relationship). Depending on the stage of development of object constancy, different anxieties can dominate:

➢Anxiety of helplessness , “alone in the universe”, “The world is empty, without an object” – the phase of symbiosis.

➢Anxiety of “suffocation”, “losing oneself in relation” – the stage of differentiation of self and object.

➢Anxiety of losing support, “there is no going back” – phase of “re-approach”, guilt over separation.

➢Separation anxiety – loss of object, inability to wake up alone, fear of loneliness, of independence – phase of separation.

Frustration tolerance – Frustration Anxiety (“I can’t take it”)

➢ No tolerance for frustration – a person is not immune to the frustrations brought by life, love and work, they “crack under pressure”.

➢ They have an “Achilles’ heel”, a specific frustration that they cannot bear, a fear “That is my worst nightmare”.

➢ Specific intolerances – anxieties of not being able to bear frustration, can be: “oral” (frustration of the need for reception, care, protection), “anal” (frustration of the need for autonomy, retention of “ownership”), “phallic” (frustration of exhibitionistic, rival needs. ..).

➢ Intolerance to the frustration of narcissistic needs – hypersensitivity to the violation of self-image (grandiose self) and the image of an idealized object (idealized parental image) – anxiety of narcissistic injury (shame, embarrassment…)

Ambivalence tolerance – deciding anxiety, mistakes

➢ Without ambivalence tolerance, a person is indecisive, unable to face conflicting emotions towards someone or something (or towards themselves) and to weigh and “cut”, to make up their mind and make a decision. A mature decision requires “measurement without cheating”, an honest weighing of all the emotions we have towards the object.

➢The anxiety of deciding, directing, fear of making a mistake , of the “other side of the coin”, loss of control, ambivalent emotions towards the object.

➢The anxiety of taking responsibility .

Will – anxiety of self-support, persistence

➢ Without will, a person is short of breath, without energy to continuously support their own desires and goals. Or they manipulate and impose their will on others.

➢ Anxiety of lack of self-confidence – can I trust my own perseverance, will, self-discipline …

➢ Anxiety of losing freedom, autonomy , from being used, “they will impose on me, they will control me, they will use me…” – a person with an underdeveloped will “arranges” themselves to be controlled, and then resists control.

Initiative – anxiety of standing out, rivalry, “castration anxiety”

➢ Without initiative, a person is reactive, they do not have a “key” to their “engine”, they need to be started by someone else. They are afraid to start something independently and take responsibility for it.

➢ “Castration” anxiety – “they will humiliate me”, “they will remove me from my position”, “punish me for standing out, for exhibitionism, pretensions to something that does not belong to me…”.

➢ Anxiety of rivalry, defeat, “impotence” , symbolization of “smaller penis”, “rival will defeat and humiliate me”.

➢Anxiety of narcissistic injury.(Related to “phallic narcissism”)

      The type of anxiety, therefore, can direct us towards which “tool” for dealing with a certain type of life problem is missing. Which emotional competence is the “weakest spot”. Of course, it usually is not just one, because the deficiency in the development of one competence leads to deficiencies in other, related competences.

Implications for work technique

In OLI Integrative psychodynamic method:

➢ We do not approach every type of anxiety in the same way.

➢ In fact, we do not “treat” anxiety, but focus on emotional competence that is not developed – which is a psychodynamic mechanism of overcoming that anxiety.

➢ We correct “software errors” that are the background of the “clinical picture”.

As each of the listed basic emotional competencies has its own algorithm, the steps that take place in our mental apparatus when we apply it, we can more clearly determine the types of learning and psychotherapy techniques that contribute to the development or unblocking of a certain ability. The taxonomy of therapeutic goals that we developed for a clearer classification of psychotherapy techniques and types of learning in the psychotherapy process helps us in this.

➢ Therapeutic techniques are “sorted” according to what ability and at what stage of development they can trigger or unblock.

➢ The OLI method also provides a taxonomy of psychotherapy goals, indicating what types of learning take place in the process of psychotherapy and what abilities are activated through a certain form of learning.

Table 9 – Taxonomy of therapeutic goals

Types of learning – knowledge	Basic emotional competences-processes
Neutraliza- tion and mentalization	Objectwholeness	Object constancy	Frustra- tion tolerance	Tolerance of ambivalence	Will	Initiative
Conceptual – declarative	T	E	CH	NI	QU	E	S
Procedural	T	E	CH	NI	QU	E	S
Metacognitive	T	E	CH	NI	QU	E	S

Techniques of “broad spectrum” and “targeted” techniques

✓ Most often, it is not clearly defined what a technique is for, what it actually develops.

✓ Usually these are general assumptions such as “expanding awareness”, “dealing with unaccepted aspects of oneself”, “taking responsibility” – “general practice techniques”, something like a broad-spectrum antibiotic, like a net that we throw into the water, without knowing what we will catch.

✓ If we know the basic abilities for processing emotions, “what they do in our head”, we can choose specific techniques that serve to develop that ability and the form of learning through which mastering the ability is most effective.

Examples of the classification of techniques according to the emotional competences they develop

Object wholeness – techniques of “gluing the experience” :

• “Holding”, “containment”, “maintaining optimal distance” – Psychoanalysis

• “Focusing” technique (EugeneGendlin)

• Reframing (NLP)

• Personality Circle, Belief Validity Testing, “Devil’s Advocate” – REBT

• “Linguistic approaches”, “work with metaphors”, “projection games” – Gestalt

• “Grounding” – Bioenergetics

• “Centering” – Radix

Object constancy – techniques for stabilizing mental representations :

• Constancy of relationship – transmission of ego functions through identification and introjection and metacognitive education – Psychoanalysis

• Training of self-regulation skills – Biofeedback, autogenic training…

• “Characteristics Market”, “OLI Protocols” – OLI Method

• Techniques for working with “confluence”, “retroflexion”, “projection”, “introjection”, “Rhythm of contacts and withdrawal” – Gestalt…

Frustration tolerance – techniques of endurance, encouraging, desensitization …

• “Optimal frustration”, “abstinence rule”, frustration with empathy – Psychoanalysis

• Frustration tolerance training, cognitive restructuring, challenging demands, the idea of failure, gain and loss analysis… – REBT

• “Experiments”, visualization of a frustrating situation… – Gestalt…

We will not list detailed techniques for all basic emotional competencies in this manual. The “Collection of Techniques for the Development of Basic Emotional Competences” contains a large number of techniques from different psychotherapy schools, as well as techniques developed within the framework of IPP, classified according to the taxonomy of psychotherapy goals. Some of the techniques with an indication of which emotional competence development they are used for is already presented in the book “The ability to love and work – OLI Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy” (Jovanović, N. 2013)

Contact before the techniques

OLI IPP is not a technology

In order for these techniques to really help a client develop the ability to process emotions, it is necessary that they be applied through good, deep emotional contact with the therapist.

– OLI IPP is not a technology for change where contact is secondary .

– OLI IPP is a “full contact” approach . Abilities are acquired through the identification of the client with the abilities of the psychotherapist, through the transfer of functions and the so-called “procedural learning” (direct “receiving” of emotion processing functions).

3) Recognizing a deficiency in some of the basic emotional competencies according to the content of “narcissistic pride” – a type of imbalance in the narcissistic sector of the personality.

 

“Everyone scratches where it itches”, our people say . Every person cares about their self-image, their sense of self-worth. This aspect of the personality, the maintenance of balance, self-image and the experience of self-worth, is dealt with by the “narcissistic sector of the personality”, says Kohut (1971) ( ^[160]1984) ^[161]. In that area where, consciously or unconsciously, a person feels that they have not developed emotional competence, there is an experience of deficiency, of inferiority. A person can fight against this feeling by avoiding situations in which these competences are needed, so as not to feel shame, inferiority, worthlessness… or by building false, exaggerated images of their competences in an attempt to overcompensate for the feeling of inferiority (“pumping up their ego” – which we often see in narcissistic structures as a defense).

According to the content of shame, narcissistic sensitivity and vulnerability, we can see what basic emotional competence is lacking and what kind of inferiority a person is defending against. We can also see this from “narcissistic pride” which is a compensatory defense and serves to hide inferiority by highlighting opposite traits in the personality. Since the defense is a compensation for the feeling of inferiority, the greater the inferiority, the higher its opposite rises. Most often, these are some exaggerated values of a person, their exaggerated competencies and abilities. Extremes in behavior and pride in exactly these exaggerations (a person has too much or too little of something, and is proud of these extremes as their “specialness”. For example, “I am never aggressive…” or the opposite “If anyone even looks at me the wrong way, I’ll hit them right away…”, “I’m always ready to help everyone, I never refuse”, “it never happens to me that…”).

Behind self-enlargement and self-diminution (hidden narcissist), there is some defensive attempt to maintain balance in the narcissistic sector of the personality which, again, is related to the lack of some of the basic emotional competences – as a defense against inferiority related to the lack of that emotional competence. We again reach the fact that the development of the missing emotional competence is the “cure” for the problem of imbalance in the narcissistic sector of the personality and the cause of narcissistic vulnerability.

Kohut says that, under normal circumstances, a developing child has two pillars of the narcissistic personality sector of two important psychological constructs:

1. Grandiose – exhibitionistic self (which under normal circumstances will evolve into self-assertive ambitions, realistic self-esteem )
2. Idealized parental image(idealized image of the parent and the values – ideals which evolve into internalized realistic values and ideals ).

What can happen so that the development of the narcissistic sector of the personality goes the wrong way? The answer to this question is important to us in order to know how, without repeating the pathological process that led to developmental delays, development can be directed towards the formation of more mature, realistic structures, pillars of the narcissistic sector of the personality (“bipolar self”) through the psychotherapy process.

Pathology in the first area results in a fixation on one’s own grandiosity, and pathology in the second area results in deficits, in which the root of the pathology is in fixations on archaic idealizations of others.

Development under normal circumstances:

1. Self-assertive ambitions ( from the grandiose self) :
2. Regulation of self-confidence
3. Enjoying physical and mental activities
4. Fulfillment of goals and ambitions

There is a gradual transformation of the archaic grandiose self, through parental mirroring, into the self-assertive pole of the bipolar self. How does that happen? A parent is able to recognize a child’s talents and skills and to mirror them and thereby encourage their development. The message they send to the child is “you are interesting, your talents are interesting (even if they are not a replica of my talents, skills… – the parent does not reflect or recognize only their own talents in the child), you are capable, valuable”. That reflection is realistic, it is not an overemphasis like “here is a little genius”… Every progress in the development of some skill, effort is also reflected… “you are better at it than you were in the past. It’s good that you made an effort…”. Kohut says that innate talents are the bridge that connects these two pillars of the bipolar self (the grandiose self and the idealized parental image). The emergence of innate skills and talents takes place within this twin self-object matrix (when the parent can “descend to the level of the child”, for the child to experience them as a “soul mate”, a “twin similar to itself”, then the parent satisfies the “twin self- object needs” of the child, as Kohut calls them). Higher mental functions appear with the transformation of the grandiose self and the idealized parental image.

In unfavorable circumstances, pathology occurs:

1. In the field of self-assertive ambitions pole
2. Lack of self-confidence and self-regulation. A feeling of inadequacy and a constant need for reassurance and confirmation.
3. Inability to enjoy physical and mental activities – a feeling of emptiness and despair
4. Inability to persevere in advancing towards goals – lacks a sense of meaning and purpose.

1. Pole of values and ideals under normal circumstances – the child develops:
2. Self-soothing, self-satisfying functions
3. Regulation of feelings and urges
4. Capacity for enthusiasm and commitment to ideas

The gradual transformation of the archaic idealized parental image within the idealized self-object matrix will create the other pole of the bipolar self (realistic ideals, self-regulating functions).

If the parents did not satisfy these basic self-object needs of the child, the bipolar self of values and ideals occurs:

• Deficit or inability of self-regulation and self-soothing . This is often reflected as, for example, a tendency to diffuse anxiety, insomnia, eating disorders…Behind these inabilities of self-regulation is the unconscious expectation of some idealized parental figure or some means that will somehow magically perform all these functions of calming and regulating anxiety.
• Lack of self-regulation manifested through uncontrollable urges towards addictions (dependence on means that compensate for the functions of calming or “reviving”, “filling the void”), perversions, criminal acts…
• Inability to be excited about something, to invest interests in something, or to pursue ideals with commitment . This inability is also often accompanied by the desire and expectations for some ideal parental figure who will move them, inspire them, enlighten them, spiritualize them, “give them the meaning of life”. This often makes a person susceptible to the influence of individuals or groups that they see as such “motivators”, “gurus”, initiators… (susceptible to sects and various bearers of some “special missions”). Actually, we can say that people with problems in the narcissistic sector of the personality are connected for an idealized parental image, susceptible to the influence of persons with a grandiose self. These are often “compatible pathologies”.

One of the maneuvers used to replace the idealized parental figure is the person’s effort to be the kind of “ideal mother” (that they themselves needed) for others. A person will “live for someone”. It gives her the meaning of existence, a way out of the feeling of worthlessness. The person will become a mother or a father that they never had. Of course, like any compensatory structure, this leads to exaggeration, idealization of the parental role now assumed by the dissatisfied child, excessive sacrifice and subordination to the needs of the other person for whom the sacrifice is being made. If such compensatory needs are directed at one’s own child, it leads to “spoiling” the child, encouraging the child’s fixation on a grandiose self, a prolonged feeling that it is the “center of the world”, that this position belongs to it, and thus encouraging the ingratitude towards the parental figure. The unconscious desire of people with this kind of defensive maneuver is that, one day, they too will receive what they give, as an expression of gratitude of those to whom they submit and dedicate themselves by making sacrifices. The opposite usually happens. By giving without a sense of reciprocity, “selflessly”, they receive ingratitude, they are taken for granted, as if the purpose of their existence is to be an extension of someone’s needs.

It makes sense to remember that a narcissist is like an addict with two desires that drive all their actions:

The first is the need for attention, admiration and confirmation that they are the best (the content of narcissistic pride determines what they are the best at).

The second is the urge to hide their fragile ego, the “glass legs” on which they build a false image of their greatness, to protect themselves from being judged as insecure or less good than they show themselves to be.

When we look at the value system of a person with a narcissistic personality structure, the key addictive motivation related to self-image, it is not difficult to predict the type of problems with which such a person will come for the help of a psychotherapist, as well as when they will come. It will appear, mostly, when the “glass legs” of the image are shaken, when they lose control over the image of themselves or the “providers” of narcissistic support. The value system that drives them, in fact, leads them to a situation where, apart from a false picture, an “image”, they have nothing else as a basis for a sense of security, self-esteem and self-confidence, an image of themselves… They have no real relationships through which they would build realistic security through connection, belonging and reciprocity. In order to change this kind of situation, the psychotherapy process is faced with a big, reconstructive task of changing “from the ground up”. What awaits both the psychotherapist and the client of the narcissistic structure on that road?

The tasks of the psychotherapy process can be roughly classified into three groups:

1. Establishing a relationship : which will be difficult, considering the basic value orientation of a person with a narcissistic structure and the convulsive need to preserve size and dominance “on glass legs”. The relationship needs to be placed on a different basis – reciprocity. Respect for the other as a person and fair and equal exchange. Why is it so hard?

– Due to the loss of narcissistic pride and the danger of feelings of inferiority . A fair and equal relationship is not based on games of power, superiority and inferiority, “pride of the winner”… A person with a narcissistic structure has a strong fear of losing dominance and grandiosity because, from previous experiences with significant others, they are convinced that only these positions exist and function like a switch – “You’re up, or you’re down.” Reciprocity does not exist as an experience.

– Loss of developed counter-skills, manipulative habits and secondary gains derived from such communications. As a war veteran who has adapted to the war situation and is left without his “arsenal”, “combat tools”… and who lacks the skills needed for peacetime living conditions. A person with a narcissistic structure has yet to learn these skills of reciprocity in a relationship. Dealing with it How much they don’t know how to relate, how much they have missed, leads to feelings of depression and self-loathing, which can start the vicious cycle of defense mechanisms again. Changing the value system towards respecting the needs of other people confronts the narcissistic person with the injuries they have caused to others through their manipulative skills. This leads to a feeling of guilt that is often unbearable, so, for defensive purposes, the splitting mechanism is used again (“I was good, they were bad… they had it coming”).

– Fear of betraying trust. What if a person with a narcissistic structure “remains naked”, vulnerable in front of the therapist, but turns out that the therapist actually pretended all the time and, at a critical moment, when the client is most vulnerable, slips away or, in some other way, betrays them, injures them, retraumatizes them.

2. Recognizing and acknowledging narcissistic vulnerability. Acceptance of “such a person”. Accepting the imperfect self. Self-loathing, shame, guilt, worthlessness, depression… If a person with a narcissistic structure was (initially) seen and accepted as valuable as they were, they would not even hide themselves and create a false image in order to be seen as valuable and experience themselves as a valuable person. In psychotherapeutic work, the client’s confrontation with their own defenses usually proceeds gradually and through certain steps:

– Recognition of certain narcissistic hypersensitivity. Usually, clients in psychotherapy first express some feeling of hurt in their self-image, anger, rage or shame, or fear of being hurt, of being this way or that way (worthless, worn out…the content of “shame” depends on what “values” are integrated into narcissistic pride) and that they must not allow it. Let’s remember, the narcissist is driven by two key needs: 1. The need for admiration as a compensation for the feeling of worthlessness and 2. The need to preserve that false image from collapsing, so that the overcompensation would not collapse and self-loathing resurfaced . In order to prevent this from happening, defense mechanisms, counter-skills, and self-manipulation skills come into play. The next task of psychotherapeutic work is the recognition of these defense mechanisms.

– Recognition of defense mechanisms that protect narcissistic vulnerability. It is very important that the psychotherapist is aware of how difficult this situation is for a client with a narcissistic structure and that this recognition of defense mechanisms is not experienced by the client as “breaking in”, “unmasking”. When the client’s sensitivities and their defenses against narcissistic injuries are recognized, “The emperor remains naked” and “everyone sees it.” Such recognition can only be developed in a relationship of trust between the client and the psychotherapist and when the client is ready to recognize and “acknowledge” their defense mechanisms on which they maintained their “kingdom” in such a relationship. It is important that when “the emperor remains naked” (as we say in Serbia), he does not remain alone and that this stripping goes gradually, at a pace that the client can bear. Psychotherapy is not “toppling a house of cards.” With a sudden collapse of narcissistic pride and defense mechanisms, the next task could be experienced by the client as “mission impossible”. Not only does the client feel exposed and vulnerable, but they also realize that they “have nothing”, they have no real connection with significant people, they have built their life and relationships on lies. They only had people they managed to manipulate into admiring their false image, to satisfy two of their addictive needs. What will their relationships be based on if they give up manipulation, marketing, self-promotion… Will anyone want them? Do they know how to connect with people differently? Is it too late for them to learn that? What about pre-existing relationships? Will the people with whom they based some kind of relationships on their narcissistic patterns reject them, or will they reject others because they no longer need them, because those others are not capable of more mutual forms of connection either. Is the client’s entire environment a circle of people who support the same value system? Where can they find people who aren’t like that…? At this stage of the psychotherapy process, the client is faced with a situation similar to that faced by a rehabilitated drug addict. Their surroundings were, for the most part, people who shared their addiction. Who should they be with now and how to do it? It is necessary to create a “new world”, a “new life”… This is the introduction to the third phase of psychotherapy work with persons with a narcissistic personality structure:

– Creating a new value system through different relationships , learning reciprocity, renouncing secondary gains from narcissistic manipulations… This process generally begins through the client-psychotherapist relationship, and later slowly generalizes to other client relationships where this is possible. Without the experience that there is such a thing as reciprocity and mutual respect and that the client has the capacity to participate in such a relationship, it is difficult to generalize such a relationship to other relationships outside the therapeutic situation. In addition, people with whom a person with a narcissistic structure was in a relationship will not trust the changes that have occurred. They probably already got “burned” by their “pretenses” and will react with hesitation and mistrust to the client’s different behavior (“what in the world does he want from me now, so he behaves as if he is…”). Another possibility is that others “needed” the client “just the way they were” due to the fit with their pathology. They can be really disappointed when the false image that a person with a narcissistic structure has put in front of them is shattered. “What do I even need such an ordinary person, he/she does not impress me or does not offer me a “colorful lie” of security…” The fears of “narcissists” often have a realistic basis. First, they learned from the significant people who raised them that the real self is not good enough to give it a sense of value. Second, by building their narcissistic mechanisms, they surrounded themselves with people who need such mechanisms to “patch some of their holes” in an unstable self-image. Some who are hurt in a relationship with a narcissist will hardly wait for them to “confess” something in order to take revenge on them, or wait for them to weaken so that they can escape from their “spider web”, for “the wheel of fortune to turn” so “who was down, now will arise”. For a person who has begun to change and adopt new patterns of connection, it can be a confirmation of fears. “I knew this would happen…why did I even risk…”. It will not be easy for the client to accept the consequences of the previous way of functioning as well as the temptations of new patterns. Things simply will not go “smoothly”. They have to be prepared for that. The attitude that everyone will “gladly accept” their changes is not realistic.

How to connect deficiencies in the narcissistic sector of the personality with basic emotional competencies and techniques for their development:

• Neutralization: deficiencies in the ability to neutralize instinctual urges are most often related to the development of an idealized parental image. They are manifested through:

• deficit or inability of self-regulation and self-soothing . This is often reflected as, for example, a tendency to diffuse anxiety, insomnia, eating disorders…Behind these inabilities of self-regulation is the unconscious expectation of some idealized parental figure or some means that will somehow magically perform all these functions of calming and regulating anxiety.
  • Lack of self-regulation manifested through uncontrollable urges towards addictions (dependence on means that compensate for the functions of calming or “reviving”, “filling the void”), perversions, criminal acts…
  • Techniques for the development of neutralization and the therapist’s ability to neutralize (through function transfer and procedural learning) can improve the ability to neutralize and develop the idealized parental image into a more mature self-regulatory structure, reduce idealizations, and develop realistic ideals.

• Mentalization: deficiencies in the ability to mentalize are related to the inability to understand others, make a “mind map”, empathize (except with the narcissistic needs of others that can be used for manipulation and satisfaction of own narcissistic needs). The inability to mentalize one’s own needs that are not related to the self-image and that are degraded – because they do not agree with narcissistic needs. Clients’ mentalizations are mainly a reflection of the mirroring they had from significant figures and inadequate mentalizations (misunderstandings) of their emotions, conditions and needs. More adequate mirroring by the therapist, understanding of self-object needs and transference, in addition to techniques for developing mentalization, can develop different “internal working models” and create a basis for more mature mentalization, and thus more mature relationships based on a better understanding of oneself and others.

• The objectwholeness: in the narcissistic sector of the personality, deficiency in this competence is most often expressed through the opposition between the “superman” and the “wretched” self, a sharp polarization between the aspects of the personality that are positively reflected (the superman self in me) and not reflected or negatively reflected (the wretched self – irrelevant, despised…). The relationship to one’s own split aspects is projected onto the relationships with others and also makes it impossible to understand and accept others (except for their superman self, which leads to idealization). Techniques for the development of the object wholeness and the relationship between the psychotherapist and the client can help in the development of a more complete perception of oneself and others and the acceptance of separated aspects of the personality, which enables a better balance in the narcissistic sector of the personality and the evaluation of oneself and others as a whole, with both virtues and flaws.

• Object constancy: the imbalance of the self-image in the narcissistic sector of the personality also depends on the stage of separation – individuation that the client has reached. Clients who are stuck in the symbiotic phase seek a sense of fusion with an idealized object and their self-image varies depending on whether they are in a symbiotic relationship with an ideal other who helps them self-regulate, self-soothe, who inspires, motivates them… Then they feel loved unconditionally, without any demands and expectations, worthy in themselves, special – just because they are loved by a special person and they both are one being. However, any threat to symbiosis is experienced tragically, creates great anxiety and can lead to a complete destruction of self-image and feelings of worthlessness. For those stuck in the differentiation phase, the self-image depends on the image of the object. Any de-idealization of the object leads to the destruction of the self-image. Problems related to the phase of practicing and re-approaching can lead to large oscillations of self-image, grandiosity in manic phases (“I can do everything, I am superman”) to feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness in depressive phases when a person, like a defeated child, guilty of the need for separation, returns to its mother and seeks refuge (if she would have it again). The need for symbiosis and the need for separation alternate (“need-fear dilemma”, the need to merge and the fear of losing identity in the relationship, due to the impossibility of building “optimal distance” in relation to others).

• Ambivalence tolerance: The most common danger to self-image is related to the recognition of the “other side of the coin”, to imperfection, the existence of another side of the personality that is not so “pure”, which may be envious, selfish, aggressive. The defense against the conflict of ambivalence is most often repressing the other side of the coin into the unconscious and building narcissistic pride on that “bright” side, which must be exaggerated in order for the repression of the opposite side to be effective. Depending on what is repressed, a “counter-trait” is built: “honest – too honest,” “neat and clean like a pharmacy,” “never aggressive – or never weak,” “pedantic – perfectionist,” “selfless, always makes others a priority, retains nothing for him/herself”, “will always do you a favor, never refuses…”. The superego strongly criticizes the indicators of the existence of the opposites and there is a feeling that some kind of terrible punishment may follow. Anal character traits are often the content of narcissistic pride.

• Frustration tolerance: The person feels that they have an “Achilles heel”, that they are particularly sensitive to the frustration of certain needs and that they cannot bear it. They build two types of strategies: either a) they avoid situations that could lead to need frustration (or degrades the need) or b) they develop mechanisms of manipulating others in order to force them not to frustrate their need. Fears about self-image are mostly related to fears that they won’t be able to handle something if it happens and that it will mean their worthlessness or furious devaluing of others.

• Will: in the case of problems with the will, two strategies also appear in the self-image: the strategy of avoiding activities that require a developed will: choosing goals that can be done “as a campaign”, making a life philosophy out of it…”I will not be a slave, I want to work as much as I want to, and when to, and how I want to…” or strategies of imposing a strong will on oneself or others. With avoidance strategies, pride develops in relation to “relaxation”, “I cannot be reined in”, while with imposing strategies develops pride in strength of will, order, work and discipline, “soldier mentality”.

• Initiative: Most often, pride is related to phallic narcissism, assertiveness, “macho” or “femme fatale” behavior, conquest, victory in rivalries. But fears of losing narcissistic pride are also related to the possible loss of those superior phallic positions, humiliation, symbolic castration.

• By means of diagnostic tools developed at OLI IPP

In this manual, we will not specifically talk about diagnostic tests for recognizing the development of basic emotional competences, because that is dealt with in a separate edition:

Deficit neuroses and conflict neuroses – the difference in approach

 

Implications in therapy

I mentioned at the beginning that Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy is theoretically based on the findings of four psychoanalytic psychology: classical drive theory, object relations theory, ego psychology and self psychology. Basic emotional competencies were extracted from these theoretical frameworks. The work method is integrative and techniques from various psychotherapy schools are used. What determines the approach is the assessment of the development of basic emotional competencies – how built up the client’s Ego is, their basic “Ego strengths”.

Even in psychoanalytic psychotherapy (which is a modification of the methodology of classical psychoanalysis for working with “more severe pathologies”), there were discussions about what kind of technical modifications are required by new theoretical knowledge about deeper disorders in the organization of the personality. It became clearer that the unconscious conflict is not only a conflict between impulses and defenses, but that all character defenses, in fact, reflect a defensive constellation of self and object representations directed against opposite, repressed or dissociated self-object representations that are the expression of instinct derivatives. Every defense is related to the object relationship. Transference, as already pointed out, always reflects some object relation. With the extension of the application of the analytical method to persons with “deeper pathology”, the questions begin to arise as to how much the specificities and organization of the personality of such persons require deviations from the standard “technique” (the so-called “parameters of deviation”), and how essential these deviations are to justify the separation of the “classical psychoanalysis” for people with a neurotic structure from “psychoanalytic psychotherapy” for people who have not reached “object constancy” or “ego intactness.”^[162]

The difference in personality organization^[163]

The nature of the conflict to be analyzed

– Early defects in development (pre-oedipal) lead to the pathological development of the oedipal conflict (which does not mean that it is absent, only that the manifestations are changed). Early dyadic interactions with the pre-oedipal mother and primitive defense mechanisms centered around splitting severely distort triadic oedipal relationships. Splitting, e.g. can make one sex “good” and the other “bad”, increase castration fear and penis envy, etc.

Transference distortions

– In the transference, partial, unintegrated representations of the self and the object prevail, which are manifested in very unrealistic experiences of the analyst and self. In such transference manifestations, it is very difficult to establish a genetic connection with some real relationship with the person in childhood, as is possible with analysands who have achieved a “relationship with the whole object” – the person, or “constancy of the object”, as it is called in analytic theory. Persons who have reached this stage of development can contain preserved testing of reality even in states of deep transference regression, which allows the analyst to remain in a position of “technical neutrality”. In persons with “identity diffusion syndrome” who have not reached object constancy, partial reactivations are alternately object relations that are contradictory, conscious but dissociated from each other. They are not repressed or unconscious but, in defense against the devastating guilt that would arise with the awareness of ambivalence, split from each other. The reality testing function can be significantly weakened. Some analysts consider this a reason to deviate from technical neutrality.

Regression in the communicative process

Persons with a well-integrated tripartite structure are usually able to verbally communicate their subjective experience to the analyst. In states of regression, especially in persons with borderline personality organization, words cease to be an appropriate means of communication. Significant communication is predominantly non-verbal, with dramatic acting-out. The analysand is more and more oriented to the immediate environment, the room, the furniture, the color of the analyst’s voice, rather than the content. In such situations, Kernberg considers two “technical means” useful. One is related to the role of the analyst as an “auxiliary ego” . Maintaining a position of neutrality, the analyst tries to cognitively integrate the confused and contradictory manifestations of the analysand’s immediate behavior, their speech, the nature of the performance and the emotional reactions it causes in the analyst himself. The second is related to what Winnicott calls the “holding” function of the analyst . “Holding” implies three aspects of the analyst’s relationship with the analysand: a) respect for their autonomy, not pressuring (not interfering) the analysand in such sensitive areas where their “true self” can appear ; b) the analyst “remains alive” despite the analysand’s aggression, their “cruelty” before the integration of the representation of the good and bad object and self; c) the analyst’s empathic availability and provision of an emotionally supportive environment in states of regression .

Kernberg, although here emphasizing the role of empathic understanding on the part of the analyst, points out that this does not mean that empathy is a substitute for interpretation. Although it is very helpful, the empathic, maternal function of the analyst is only a prerequisite for realizing the possibility of the analysand’s insight into their intrapsychic conflict, a prerequisite for interpretation. It is a prerequisite in working with all types of analysands. However, in deep regressions, the analyst empathizes not only with the analysand’s central experience, but also with what they cannot bear and must dissociate or project. This discussion points to the need for the psychotherapy process to be adapted to each client, that there are not always good “standard procedures”, but the development of the client’s emotional competences must be assessed and monitored and the approach adjusted accordingly. People with “deficit neurosis” should work on building “Ego strength”, basic emotional competencies. For clients with so-called “conflict neurosis”, on analyzing the conflict and unblocking competencies that are blocked or “infected” by the conflict. For this reason, in Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy the therapist always works (follows the client) on two levels: the content level and the process level.

Content analysis and process analysis

The OLI psychotherapist works on two levels: the level of content and the level of process. Listening to the content presented by the client, talking with them about this content, life events, relationships, love and work, the OLI therapist pays special attention to the patterns that the client applies, to the typical ways in which they process their experiences and the emotions that these experiences cause.

Therapeutic techniques of different schools are included in the work with the client if they can contribute to the development or unblocking of a certain basic emotional ability. It is the basis for the integration of techniques from different schools, whether they originate from psychodynamic, behavioral or some other orientation.

Why is an orientation to emotion processing patterns crucial for Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy? To clarify this, we will again compare the functioning of a human with the functioning of a computer (human, of course, is an incomparably more complex system than a computer). When something is not working on the computer, the user sees it on the screen. Some irregularities appear… you can’t read the text or see the image… Any user who is familiar with how computers work doesn’t think that the screen is broken, but rather the software that processes the data and creates what is seen on the screen, or hardware – some mechanical part of the computer. When a person has “broken hardware,” they go to a doctor, neurologist, surgeon, or other specialist for a particular human hardware, or organ. When the “software” (data processing program) doesn’t work for them, they turn to psychological experts.

The emotional states for which they come to therapy are, in fact, a screen or “clinical picture”, as it is usually called by experts in the psyche. The image cannot be repaired, only defects in the hardware or software that create it. Psychotherapists do not deal with organs (hardware), but with abilities and skills that the client does not have sufficiently developed. So we cannot fix someone’s self-esteem or depression or impatience or any other undesirable state, nor can we create any desirable state, unless we “fix” the basic abilities that process emotional-cognitive data, which will lead to a change in emotional state. Every person creates their states by processing what happens to them. The psychotherapist’s job is to help the client to develop or release from the “virus” those basic, executable software for processing emotions, because their improper operation creates those visible problems and disorders that we call “clinical picture”.

Sometimes people are aware of the lack of certain skills and turn to psychotherapists (more recently, life coaches) for help with the desire to learn certain skills, such as communication, planning, organizing skills… However, mastering skills is not possible if not based on certain abilities. You can’t teach someone to dance if they don’t have the ability to coordinate their movements, or someone to sing if they can’t control their vocal cords. Before being able to master skills, it is necessary to develop the abilities that make that mastery possible. There is a well-known saying (in Serbia) that “without tools there is no crafting”. What are the “tools” necessary for life? What are the basic cognitive-emotional-conative abilities that are developed in the process of psychotherapy? Freud said that the goal of psychoanalysis is the development (or release) of the capacity for love and work. Abilities to love and to work. However, the capacities for love and work are very complex abilities. They are, like Lego bricks, made up of clusters of less complex abilities. As a complex molecule made up of different atoms.

Like all abilities, the ability to love and work goes through certain stages of development. When we work on the development of certain abilities, we must know the stages of their development. We can’t jump the stairs. We need to know what the next development step is. The famous developmental psychologist Vygotsky (1983 ^[164]) stated the fact that education can only take place in the “zone of further development”. The zone of subsequent development is what the child is able to do, but cannot do alone. It needs “a little help from a friend” or a “competent adult.” Since psychotherapy is, in its essence, a process of subsequent, corrective education (and not treatment), it is necessary for the psychotherapist to know which is the zone of further development of the client with whom he is working on the development of some of their abilities. If we work on what the client can do themselves, we waste both their time and ours. If we are working on something that is two or more steps away from its current development potential, development cannot happen. Dependence on or aversion to the psychotherapist may develop.

In order to know which is the zone of further development, we need to know how, in what order, by what development steps, the abilities we are working on develop. Therefore, for a well-managed therapeutic process, it is necessary to know: where we are starting from (the degree of development of some basic emotional competence in the client, in which stage of development is that ability), where we need to arrive (what the developed ability that is being worked on looks like), and which way we are going (through which stages the development of that ability goes through). In addition, through getting to know the client, we can also see numerous deviations of certain abilities – we call them counter-skills , which the client has developed instead of what they should have developed. Counter-skills are dead ends on the road to development. Just as it is necessary to know which way the development of abilities is going and where it should lead us, it is important to know where it can go astray, and how it can return to the development path from dead ends.

Recognizing, elucidating counter-skills (we also call them “getting the job done” skills, because they bring a certain emotional benefit, but also great damage, primarily due to stopping the client’s development), their recalculation (recalculation of gain and loss through the process of emotional accounting), renouncing them and their replacement with basic developmental abilities, are necessary for the process that leads to change.

One of the important features of Integrative Psychodynamic Psychotherapy is the possibility of integrative application, according to clear criteria of when and why the techniques of different psychotherapeutic approaches can be used. The techniques we use in the OLI method come from different psychotherapy schools, from behavioral (schools that deal with behavior modifications, without going deeper into unconscious dynamics) to psychodynamic ones. We also use psychophysiological methods such as biofeedback and neurofeedback, methods from the psychology of success (coaching), and various other forms of helping people. However, the method of integrative psychodynamic psychotherapy is not eclecticism, a generalization without clear criteria that guide us on when, with whom, with what problems, how and why to apply a certain technique. The criterion for the application of different approaches and techniques is the knowledge of the basic emotional abilities we work on, the stage of their development (as well as deviations, substitute counter-skills), knowledge of what can help in the development of a certain ability at a certain stage. It is known that certain types of psychotherapy suit some clients, while others do not.^[165]

But we don’t understand enough why they work for some and not for others. We can see the answer to that question precisely in the knowledge of basic emotional abilities and the stages of their development. Every psychotherapeutic technique is aimed at the development of some ability. However, most often it is not clearly defined what it serves, what it actually develops. These are usually general assumptions such as “expanding awareness”, “dealing with unaccepted aspects of oneself”, “taking responsibility”… By defining the effects of a certain technique in this way, it acquires the status of a “general practice technique”, something like a broad-spectrum antibiotic, like a network which we throw into the water, without knowing what we will catch. If a certain psychotherapy technique coincides with a developmental need, with the level of development of a certain basic ability, the zone of further development of the client, then “something is caught in the network”, a certain change occurs in the client. The therapist’s ability to empathize, his intuition and his ability to establish good contact with the client helps a lot in this.

Intuition, however, cannot be transferred to others. When we talk about the technique of working on the development of emotional competences, we also offer criteria on the basis of which we choose a therapeutic technique, which are based on the recognition of the development status of certain basic emotional abilities, the stage in which the development of abilities is stopped, and a clearer understanding of what a certain technique is for – what and why it can develop or the development of which abilities and at what stage it can encourage.

3. The final phase – consolidation of changes and working through the separation anxieties.

Clients who apply for psychotherapy usually did not successfully grow up through one of the stages of separation – individuation, so it can be expected that problems and separation anxiety from those stages will be reflected in the end of the psychotherapy process. Just as in adolescence, when the adolescent’s task and need is separation, separation anxieties and conflicts from earlier stages of development are repeated (that’s why it is said that adolescence is “a second chance”, because everything is “stirred up” again and can be put together differently), that usually happens in the psychotherapy process as well, even though separation themes are worked through during the process. For this process to work well, it is important that the client knows that they decide about the end of psychotherapy, not the psychotherapist. A psychotherapist is not a doctor who will mark the end of “treatment”.

The therapist’s task in that period of the psychotherapy process is to:

– together with the client, do an evaluation of the previous work, reconstruction – abbreviated presentation of the work, “connecting the dots”: problem – insights about the cause and origin – insights about counter-skills – resistance to change, secondary gains – resulting changes. Something like a short “case report” where the key aspects of psychotherapy work will be summarized and connected. The question “is there anything else you’d like to work on” – is an introduction to separation topics.

-recognizes separation themes and unspoken separation needs and anxieties – when it becomes clear that the goals set by the client as the goals of psychotherapy work have been achieved, the question arises as to why they are still in psychotherapy. Clients often state reasons such as “to stabilize these changes a little more, to be there just in case” or “I need you to participate and be a witness and rejoice in my successes…”. These reasons are part of the development process and can be worked through. For example, “what do you feel is not yet stable enough in your changes?”…”what could happen, so you need me “just in case”?”, could be the questions when it comes to the need for therapist support in the beginning of separation. The need for prolonged positive reflection can be both developmental and a form of gratitude. We did something together, let’s look forward to the results together. This need, however, does not have to be satisfied only through the psychotherapy process. The client and the therapist can agree on the ways in which the client could convey the “news” to the therapist, some new successes in life, it can be occasional meetings as needed by the client, or agreed evaluation meetings for a certain period of time (for example, for a month, or several months)…

– recognize separation resistances – there is no new content from the client, yet it seems as if what caused them to come to the therapy has been resolved. But the client does not announce the end of the therapy. Why are they still in therapy?

In practice, we encounter two key reasons: the feeling of guilt for leaving the psychotherapist (parents), and the client’s fear whether they will be able to return if something goes wrong (fear related to the phase of re-approaching in the process of separation-individuation). The questions can be “translated” as follows: “What will you do without me” and “What will I do without you”. Same as in relationships with parents (or later love partners), when a child may feel guilty about separation needs because it is leaving an “empty nest” or scared because it feels that “once it crosses the threshold of the house, there is no going back…”. In therapy, they may feel that “the therapist is already tired of them… that he can’t wait to get rid of them”, imagining that when they vacate their place for another client, the therapist will no longer want to see them if they need him. It happens that when the therapist brings up separation topics by asking what the client still wants to work on, do they have new goals, or are they thinking about ending the therapy… the client experiences it as if the therapist wants to get rid of them.

At this stage of the psychotherapy process, it is important for the psychotherapist to be sensitive to these separation topics and to talk openly with the client about them, about the feelings they both have regarding the separation that follows. The therapist can also openly express his feelings about the separation, unless they are such that they can cause guilt or fear in the client (the therapist is angry and won’t accept them anymore or has an attitude: “I don’t know how you will do without me, if something goes wrong, come immediately…”). It is okay for the therapist to feel that the client is dear to him, that he will miss him…but “life goes on, clients separate…it is good, both sad and joyful, like when our children become independent, but it is more joyful because we believe in them…”, conveys the attitude “I’m still interested in you, I’d really like to hear what’s going on with you, and I’m here if you need me…”.
– creating (together with the client) a plan for completing psychotherapy – when the separation themes and resistances have been worked out, we can discuss with the client the how to bring the psychotherapy process to an end in the way that best suits them (e.g. reducing the frequency of meetings, a trial period of separation, an agreement that they can return or have occasional consultations if needed…).
– completion of the psychotherapy process – the client confirms that they can continue on their own, that they have successfully achieved the goals they set for themselves in psychotherapy (not all life goals, but it is important that they feel capable of achieving them independently) and schedules with the psychotherapist the last session, which is usually devoted to the evaluation of the process, expressions of gratitude, further plans in life, exchange of emotions about the separation with a hug… Sometimes psychotherapists ask for feedback on their work (I think it’s very useful) about what was crucial in the process, what had the most positive impact on the client. I was often surprised by how much what clients were saying didn’t match what I thought was most important (e.g. some key insights, good interventions and connections). What the clients brought up were usually some “small things” related to the relationship through which I showed them how much I respect them as people and how much I care about them, not only professionally, but also as a person. I mostly didn’t even remember those events, it’s something that I perceive as “everyday, normal… what’s there to even talk about…only respect for other people, empathy…that’s how it should normally be”. However, that “ordinary” and “normal” respect for another person’s autonomy and human interest and truthfulness are usually missing in the experience of people who turn to psychotherapists for help. Although this is a “methodological” manual, in the end we return to the beginning: the most important thing is the relationship and the values woven into it, for the technique without such a relationship is unproductive.

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